I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

I am sorry for your situation - it sounds like a horrible, scary, embarrassing night.

But there is a lot of adult stuff going on here with the budget and the ex and the guilt and the blame. Way above a 10 year old's head.

I agree with the posters saying do send him to your mum's for a bit, especially if she gets the overall situation.

Some of those glamping places are a bit unsuitable for DC. I've stayed in a few. They set them up like romantic couple retreats. The DC are very much an afterthought!

So you think he intentionally tried to set it the dressing gown on fire? It really doesn't sound like he meant to do any of the things that happened.

Is he okay? It sounds like yesterday was difficult for all of you.

And I think you could push quite hard on him keeping on saying that it was an accident.

At 10, that is not good enough, and frankly, it sounds like he's settled on that because he actually does realise the enormity of what he's done, and he's desperate to shift responsibility.

Maybe that could be the focus of some talking between you?

Agee that sending him to his grandmother's - with her agreement that this is NOT a treat - might be useful.

I can’t afford to pay him for cleaning the car or whatever. I’ve tried so hard to save for Christmas and for the bloody glamping break and they’ll still get all their presents, they’ll just come from their dad instead and he’ll make it very, very clear that they’re not from me. I’m so tired of trying so hard to make things nice for them and it all just being broken.

So, underlying your feelings of frustration and anger might be an ex problem rather than a DS problem?

It was an accident OP.

When I was guessing what he had done I thought it was going to be he had turned on the engine of a car or boat and crashed it (endangering himself and his brother).

He was clumsy, heavy handed and panicked but he doesn't deserve punishing.

There is a reason that most of us won't leave 10 year olds home alone and certainly with a wood burner going - because they can be daft!

Everytime I leave the house leaving my 12 year old for 10 minutes I say to him "what do you do if there is a fire" and we go through "leave the house, not try to put it out, not burn to death...leave the house" I do this because he is 12 and would have poor judgement so flat straight up "leave the house" no ifs or buts.

I think it's unfair of you to say to your son (if you have) that he could have killed himself and his brother. If the dressing gown caused a fire you would walk out of the tent not helplessly burn to death! It is your job to be alert to risks in a new environment your kids are not mature enough.

You have had a horrible shock but everyone is safe.

Would paying an insurance excess of a couple of hundred quid really ruin Christmas at this point? If it would then why are you camping somewhere fancy? Why not buy a tent off ebay and camp somewhere cheap/ordinary if finances are tight. The shower blocks will be built to withstand the heavy handed too!

Not sure if it will help, but it’s worth distinguishing between his actions and what it means to you and your family.

It sound a bit careless but is ultimately accidental. It merits a firm conversation about why he should do better but also an explanation that you were shocked and scared if you thought he could have been killed etc. However I wouldn’t personally punish a 10 year olds for behaving in a child like way and I don’t think he should feel your anger or responsibility for wiping out money you were saving for a Christmas.

Even if it is an accident due to his stupidity (that is some compounded stupid there), he should be more upset that you are upset. Not try to minimise his mistake and ignore your distress. He should at least be able to act contrite. So add insensitivity to the list.

OP, I would be very upset like you and be in tears at dashed hopes. I would send him away to someone else for a few days. You need space away from him. And also make him pay it back in chores when he gets back. If he does not take the chores seriously, then I would start to wonder whether there is something a little off with him.

Hopefully the owners will be able to claim on insurance. They can see you are upset. I hope they are kind and decent people and will do the right thing. Times are hard for a lot of people but some people are more able to ride it out then others.

Please don't make it a competition between you and ex - who provides the best presents / holidays /trip to wherever.
Kids needs need love. / tolerance / patients / an ear / support / kindness - someone to play and have fun with.
Kids aren't stupid.
They can spot a Disney dad.

Years on adult children remember how they felt with a parent - not that they got the latest gizmo.
I was really happy when ex got DD some dead expense stuff - saved me buying it and I got to see her happy.

This is awful for you OP. The thing that stood out to me was that he did not acknowledge to the owner what he had done or apologise. I think you should make him go and apologise in person to her. That would make you feel better to some extent, as it is only you now dealing with the consequences. And it would bring it home to him that there are consequences to being careless or stupid. I imagine it would make her feel better too in view of all the damage and difficulty it has caused her.

He definitely needs to apologise to the owner.

I would get him to write her a letter.

And things can be accidents but cause damage and hurt and upset and inconvenience to other people. He needs to understand that.

What's he like normally @MumOfFury? Does he own up to doing stuff, take responsibility etc? Or is this entirely in character?

It sounds like you are an amazing mum, and if they don’t appreciate that now (they probably do!) they certainly will.

And you clearly are giving them a great childhood.

Do send him to your mum for a few days, it sounds like you could really use a break.

I really feel for you @MumOfFury trying to make things nice for your kids and it going wrong.

As an Airbnb owner I would say guests and children are always destroying something, usually in the most bizarre ways.

To be honest I usually write it off through gritted teeth.

In your situation it would help me if you left early so I could get in and try to rectify the damage myself before the next guests arrive, so it might cut costs for you to offer to leave.

Bless you OP. This is awful for you and I'm so sorry your break has ended in such stress. I do agree with others that there's a lot contributing to your stress levels which will wash straight over ds's head and should not be his responsibility to care about. I think you're just going to have to chalk that up to bad luck. You won't teach him to have empathy for you or the site owner by being angry at him/arbitrarily

Sorry @MumOfFury I missed the glamping bit.
Just try not to worry, the owners will sort everything out and I can't see them suing a dc, it was an accident.
If you are asked to pay then arrange a monthly s/o.
Do not give them all the money up front.

Your ds is only 10. He's young yet.

If their df does make a point of the gifts only being from him at Christmas then he's a dick and it's the dc who are affected by his actions.

Re: the apology.
He hasn't hit this situation before and doesn't know what to do so yes absolutely it would be useful to explain to him how to apologise, write a sorry card etc. It will be a learning experience for him and hopefully the owner will appreciate it.

For those saying it was an accident, the OP indicates that several times, her DS took a deliberate action, even when warned not to. That is what needs dealing with.

he’d slid the door open to turn the shower on, realised the shower was cold so wanted to give it a few minutes to warm up but it was spraying all over the bathroom. That’s when he decided to start bashing it. I was right outside yelling at him to stop

and

he didn’t put the dressing gown on the clothes horse. He moved the protective grate thing and which the clothes horse was in front of and put it on top of the wood burner. We have one at home, he knows fully well to never even think about touching it.

These are all deliberate actions in complete defiance of what he'd been told to do: he slid the shower door, locked it, then tried to push it as if it were a door. He moved the protective part f the log burner.

These actions need dealing with - they weren't accidents.

Excellent point.

Also hard on you though OP to have to deal with the consequences. This really will blow over.

Oh you poor poor pet.
I really feel so sorry for you.

The stress of it all.
Of course you are upset.

Indeed it is very convenient for him to keep repeating it was an accident 🙄absolving himself of any responsibility.

As for the not apologising to the owner?
I would absolutely lift him out of it for that.

Now THAT is bratty and would infuriate me.
Get him to apologise properly.

Send him to your mother for a break.
YOU definitely need a break.

I'm so sorry that life is so difficult for you, when you are clearly trying so hard.

@Trying9877 of course I don’t think he was deliberately trying to set fire to the dressing gown. A previous poster had said I was to blame for telling him to put it on a clothes horse that is left by the log burner. I was clarifying that the clothes horse was on the room side of the log burner, rather than between the log burner and the fire guard. He saw there were clothes on the clothes horse and instead of moving them/ hanging the dressing gown on a free bit/ or on the back of a chair he moved the fire guard and put it on top of the log burner. Despite knowing very well that he is never, ever to do this.

@LuftBalloons
"These actions need dealing with - they weren't accidents."

So you believe that the child intended to break the door? Intended to set fire to the dressing gown?

I think it's worth making him write a letter of apology to the owners.
First so it reinforces that his actions have unintended consequences and secondly it may make the owners feel more charitable towards you on how they handle the situation.

Sorry OP, sounds really tough.

My sympathies, OP, my son also did an incredibly stupid, dangerous and health-endangering thing (and no I’m not going to elaborate!) at a similar age. We were raging. After we’d calmed down a bit, we sat him down for the “serious chat”. We said he’d done something incredibly serious, and he needed to demonstrate to us that he had respect for others, could be trusted on his own again, and was able to contribute to the smooth running of our household. We removed privileges (could be anything: trips to shop on own, pocket money, screen time, play dates, being in a football match) and told him he had to get 50 points to earn them back. Then we made a chart and got him to do tasks, kind of like community service, as his punishment. So loading the washing machine was 2pts, tidying his sister’s room was 3pts, making us both a cup of tea as another 2pts etc. We stuck the chart up and praised him every time he showed us the behaviour we wanted to see. I’m not sure whether it was the right thing to do, but he did get his point (I think we stopped before 50 because he’s got the point) and he’s never (touch wood) done something so stupid again. Hope this might help and hope you’re ok - take care. X

My ds broke a door once through sheer carelessness. Yes he wasn't deliberately trying to break it, yes he was just a kid, but it cost us a whole load of money and hassle to get it replaced. So I understand how angry you are feeling.

You'll get it sorted and it will all be fine, but it's also fine to be cross right now.

Do you happen to know anyone (a friend?) who works in the police force who could informally come around and talk to your DS about actions and consequences? Or is that too much?

I could easily see my 10yo doing something like this. He's a good lad, just obviously doesn't think in the moment, and doesn't listen to me in the moment either.

I'd let the dust and your nerves settle and then have a serious chat. I think it's ok to tell him that it's wiped out your savings for Christmas and that your worked so hard for - and that that's the better outcome of the whole situation. That what he did could have killed you all so you are lucky that it's just Christmas that's affected. Maybe start planning - with the kids input for a quieter Christmas - see can you plan activites like a walk in the woods or a gingerbread house assembly, or a pile of duvets and do a movie marathon. Or board games.

Yes they'll get much smaller presents from you, and their Dad might gloat but fuck him. It will teach the kids both the value of savings and how easily an accident can wipe them out, but also it could teach them that Christmas can be about more than presents - and honestly, that's probably the most important lesson of all. They can always get [insert Christmas must-have] for their birthday or Christmas next year, but this year, it's a quiet one.