I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

I know it’s hard but wait and see what they say. It might be okay.

Are you back from holiday now?
Can anyone take them and you go and stay at your mums for a couple of nights? You sound worn out.

Oh OP I really feel for you. Your ds won’t understand how upset you are and will probably only realise as an adult the impact of his actions. I’d be tempted to pack him off to your mums so you can calm down.

I was expecting something way worse than this...hes 10....it sounds like he's just made a few expensive mistakes.

I've done similar with shower screens before and when I was in my 20s I put wet clothes over an electric fire to dry....burnt a massive hole in my top and set off all the fire alarms in my uni house!

Okay, What I was trying to say was, you seem intent on a "he knows not to do this", but he DID do what he did. So you are either wrong about his intention or you are wrong about his capacity for rational thought. To me, it sounds like he was entirely out of his depth and he started to panic, and I make poor decisions when I panic, so I can empathise. Your reaction is strong, I'm sorry but it is, this could be making the situation worse with regards to him apologising and taking responsibility. He's probably looking back and remembering how he FELT at each stage, and because he knows what he was feeling it makes more sense. You're assuming what he felt then, and you are assuming what he feels now. Just talk calmly.

I think you need to have a serious conversation. IMHO I think 10 is often to young to really understand punishments like taking away toys/gadgets. Some are still needing immediate consequences to have impact. I think explaining the consequences of his actions would work best with my son. But trying not to 'blame'. My guess is he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. 'oh it's ok mum will sort it out'.

Starting off saying, understand he didn't mean to do it and was an accident - BUT there are consequences of being careless and reasons you need to do what asked. Ask if he understands why it's so serious. What could be do to avoid anything like this ever happening again.

Be honest and explain why you are so upset - could have burnt down the tent harming them etc. That it's spoilt someone else's holiday because they could no longer stay in the tent after the accident. But also the £ cost. Be truthful (if it's the case) and say that the only money available to pay for it is savings. That would mean much smaller Christmas presents, no going to McDonald's or other treats for a while....

I wouldn't necessarily make it punishment, more the consequences the whole family will have because of what happened. Being more careful and considerate with someone else's property would have prevented it.

Something like that?!

So you believe that the child intended to break the door? Intended to set fire to the dressing gown?

No, that's clearly not what I said. But the DS seemed to actively ignore@MumOfFury 's instructions, and indeed everything he'd ever been told. He was panicking , and had no impulse control, but what he did were deliberate actions, not accidents.

He needs to learn to consider the consequences of his actions! …. I fear you will have more (hopefully less stressful) incidents over the next few years! (From experience).

anger and money and potential loss of life and property are good places to start ……. But all actions have consequences is a lesson it took a few experiences to drum into our 10 year old boy for a few years! (& a couple of trips to A&E!)

OP this reads like one of those comedy films where things just go from bad to worse and the audience cringe Whilst it’s awful to you and has made things hard for you he is just a 10 year old child stuck in the role of Mr Bean . It’s an accident , he didn’t intend to break the shower or burn the dressing gown .He’s 10 year old and has an immature brain just by virtue or being 10 he isn’t a mini adult . He probably deep down feels awful . You have my sympathy and I hope you manage to minimise the expense as much as possible . Please don’t let this be a wedge between your son and you .

Don't beat yourself up Too much. Things happened and he panicked. A letter of apology is good.

No, none of this was deliberate. More like a stubborn temperament meeting a shaky grasp of natural consequences and a complete ignorance of Murphy’s Law (‘if anything can go wrong, it will’). Very, very common in older children and adolescents, especially boys.

The long-term solution to this is more responsibility: regularly doing tasks that matter, that need doing right and having to sort them out yourself when they’re done wrong. However, that doesn’t help you right now, OP. I think for now, all you can do is sort out the financials, give yourself a break by sending your DS to his granny and look on the instilling of responsibility as a long term project (hate to break it to you but that can take up to 15 years or so to bear fruit…)

Just to clarify, that’s more responsibility for him, not you. It reads a bit confusingly now I look at it.

He's 10 and he's panicked and made things worse.

You need to be careful not to overreact and harm your relationship with him

A letter of apology. A contribution to the costs from his pocket money perhaps. But these sounds like accidents covered by insurance.

But no I can't see anything that would make me want to send my child away to my parents! That's wildly disproportionate here

I think any costs should come out of any birthday/Christmas money he receives and his pocket money.

He needs to learn consequences.

Oh I feel sorry for both of you. If you're not used to sliding doors I can see why your DS was baffled why the door just wouldn't open and kept pushing at it. Then he was horrified by what had happened and grabbed the first thing to try to clear up. Bished that in the mayhem by putting dressing gown on the wood burner.

I can see why you were frantic and furious but for me it would be that kind of anger that courses through you when a child runs into the road. He wasn't being deliberately or wantonly naughty. And the consequences could have been so much worse. I bet those dressing gowns don't cost the owner £75 a pop for starters and if you're lucky she will charge you cost price. As for the door she may be thinking that it could have fallen on your DS and hurt him, in which case she would have felt awful that the fittings had come away so apparently easily. That may explain why she is being so nice about it too - could have been far worse all round. None of this was because of out of control drunkenness which is I think what most glamping or airbnb owners dread most.

And I am sorry btw. You sound utterly worn out. I think you could probably do with a really big hug!

Just to clarify my mum lives 3 streets away and we see her most days. It’s not like I’d be sending him off into the sunset on his own. I just need a bit of time away from him as I am in such a bad place and don’t want to say something hurtful/ have him see me in floods of tears again.

I did something a bit silly at his age. It didn’t put anyones life at risk, but I did not hear the end of it for a long time, more from the wider family. It made me feel belittled and fed up and hated visiting other people so I asked to stay at home. i never felt the same after even when my parents had to intervene. All I am saying is, he’s a child and they do silly things, explain, discipline and maybe they pay a share moving forward until costs are covered. Then move on.

We as parents just see the bigger picture, maybe as his defence kicks in he will not accept there was an issue when there was, he’s just not in a place to see it yet.

I've read all your other responses but not responses of other Mumsnetters on this one...

Has your child been tested for ADHD. Genuinely not trying to make excuses, and I know he's "only" 10. But the lack of thought re consequences and his nonchalance about what's happened (and general clumsiness with one disaster after another) sounds like a lots of ADHD symptoms.

Might not make you feel much better but viewing from this angle may help you (and him) at least a bit. Living with those with ADHD ain't easy, that's for sure!

As usual, a lot of people seem to think the owner's insurance makes the OP's liability go away. It doesn't. The owner's insurance company is entitled to come after OP for the full amount of the claim. If the OP had insurance, that would help, but there is no guarantee that the owner's insurance will reduce the amount OP has to pay.

Oh FFS. It was one event in an unfamiliar situation. Why does every remotely negative childhood behaviour have to have a label?! How on earth did past generations survive when they actually had to take responsibility for their actions?!

These things happen. It was a mistake, and then the first mistake might have caused panic and then another mistake was made…and so on.

As long as he apologises and puts some pocket money towards it, there’s not much you can do. He didn’t do it intentionally. Sometimes common sense can be lacking in adults too (my sister once pulled a sliding door off a fridge in a supermarket. She was 52).

God I was absolutely crackers at 10, and 20.

I feel sorry for the little fella. At least he is ok and nobody got injured.

you are only mad because of the money, and it might be ok yet!

al the best and I’m sorry if things are tight for you, I hope you win some money, and laugh about this one day soon.

If you’re struggling and need a bit of space, maybe your mums is a good idea for everyone concerned. Time to calm down, regroup and have mental space.

How about one of his gadgets is sold and the proceeds put toward the costs? I recommend CEX if you have one in your town. Its his nonchalance that would (and does with mine) piss me off the most - it doesn't matter, just an accident, but there ARE real consequences. If he loses his switch or console that's a very real and relevant consequence - he loses of something of value in order to make whole the owner of the things he damaged.

He was impulsive and reacted in an immature way. He is ten. He isn't a bad kid at all. In the moment he was bad at decision making and problem solving and went for a fast solution rather than thinking it rhough. He likely never gave a thought to possible damages or negative outcomes as he was fixated on the specific problem in front of him - getting the shower to stop spraying and getting the robe dry. Your yelling (which I get) likely ramped up the crisis response and shut down his thinking even more. It added to the chaos. He isn't good in a crisis - many 10 year olds aren't.

He isn't upset because he isn't looking at this with adult eyes. Thankfully he doesn't know the emotions of the kind of harm he could have caused and he has no idea of financial ramifications on a large scale. He likely doesn't deal wiht money much beyond a few pounds on holidays and pocket money. He has no financial responsiblities. I am sure looking back he knows he made poor decisions but he isn't going to see it your way at all...nor should he as you want him to stay somewhat naive to that kind of heavy emotion.

You can send him to grandmas for a few days for your sake. You did have those emotions and they have clearly distressed you and you likely need a bit of time to bring yourself back down to a state or calm and get your head around the mess.