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Original poster

I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

387 replies

MumOfFury · 19/08/2022 13:49

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

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Ellemnope · 19/08/2022 18:47

MumOfFury · 19/08/2022 14:34

He damaged an item at a place we were staying - he thought the door was on a hinge, it was on a rail so didn’t open when he pushed it. He bashed it until it fell off the rail, breaking the door and the rails (both of which were bespoke) in the process. He tried to clean up mess with the very expensive dressing gown the place had provided and which is told him to be very careful with if he insisted on wearing it.

I told him to hang it up to dry while I attempted to fix the door. He saw the clothes horse in front of the wood burner had some clothes on already so he put the dressing gown on top of the lit wood burner. We have a wood burner at home and he knows very well to never ever touch it or get too close to it. By the time I came into the room it was full of smoke and the dressing gown had a burn hole going right through it. If it hadn’t been so wet it would’ve absolutely caught fire.

Waiting to hear back from the owners about smoke damage, the cost to repair the door and rails and how much of it (if any) is covered by their insurance.

It was mostly an accident and they should be covered by insurance.
He shouldn’t have kept pushing the door but kids can be a bit 🤪 at times!
I’d not have a go at him but get him to do some chores around the house as punishment.

fatgirlslimmer · 19/08/2022 18:50

You haven't mentioned if this is totally out of the ordinary behaviour for him or just an escalation of his usual self.

Won't the owner / company have business insurance to cover accidents?

Or is she considering this deliberate damage, even so I think they should have insurance to cover it?

I would be asking her to go down that route.

Happymum12345 · 19/08/2022 18:58

He is 10. I understand how frightened and frustrated you must be, but he is just 10.

Lower your expectations of him and what he does. Praise him like mad when he achieves & does things as he should. Let this go now, especially if he has said sorry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds Families General parenting
ivykaty44 · 19/08/2022 19:02

“it was an accident!”

it wasn't an accident though and he needs to learn the difference

he wilfully kicked something until it broke and thats not an accident - he could have unlocked the door and asked for help

the dressing gown was a case of not thinking about what he was doing

he probably need more responsibility (relative to age)given to him so he learns to be responsible for stuff and actually become more sensible

Hobeau · 19/08/2022 19:02

OP, you've had a horrible shock and my financial situation is also shit, so I get why you'd be upset about that. But you need to draw a line under it now. "Floods of tears" are not necessary. At this point, you need to model resilience and show your son how to work your way through these problems. You've told him you're upset; you've cried. This is all understandable. But anything more would now start to seem like emotional blackmail. You need to remain absolutely calm and decide what sanctions, if any, are appropriate. You might have to tell your son that you are still upset and angry and that you will need time to think about how to handle this (because consequences imposed when you're upset and angry are never useful - and they can have the effect of punishing you!) I have several times had to say to my children that I am really, really cross and upset and that I will have to have some space to work through it. But you can't dump your emotions on a child who's too young to understand them fully.

CaitoftheCantii · 19/08/2022 19:04

@NeedMoreMilk nothing nasty about pointing out the responsibility is on the parent to check holiday accommodation before unleashing their kids on it…

op is a shining example of what happens when you don’t… so it’s all on her, and she can direct her anger at herself not her son. Her behaviour is nasty, seeing as you want to throw that accusation around.

NeedMoreMilk · 19/08/2022 19:25

@CaitoftheCantii but what was she supposed to check? The door wasn’t broken or dangerous or not fit for purpose. Other than not allowing her son to shower alone there’s literally no way she could have prevented what happened from happening?

Yes, perhaps with the log burner she should have specifically reminded the children that they weren’t to touch it, just like they don’t touch the one at home. Hindsight is a marvellous thing.

I still think your first post was unnecessarily nasty. Kicking someone when they’re down, sprang to mind.

BreatheAndFocus · 19/08/2022 19:26

I agree with the above suggestion to sell something of his to put towards the cost. It’s the principle, as much as anything. He might then register it a bit better and not be so nonchalant.

Assume nothing about his understanding. I’d go through the sequence of events with him and get him to think about what might have happened as a consequence. Then tell him he needs to contribute towards the cost plus whatever other punishment you’ve decided on - and then move on. You can’t keep dwelling on it and it will end up making him resentful when actually what you want is for him to reflect, and understand, and make some (small) recompense.

Deal with this then let the anger go. Shout and rant it all out at a willing friend.

Leafer · 19/08/2022 19:29

What a stressful situation all round. I understand your anger but it does sound like some of it is misdirected and maybe, from the context provided, also to do with finances and your ex.

as for his reaction, maybe he simply doesn’t care which is very bad behaviour but maybe he’s feeling ashamed. Did you scream and yell? (Understandable in the moment) this may have sent him into a complete shut down. As you remained there another night and the place still smelled of smoke next day etc, he may have been feeling totally embarrassed about ruining the holiday. Maybe not but just trying to offer other perspectives.
i think sending him away sends a really serious message and feels very harsh. If you must, do for your own sake. I would try very hard to have a calm and reasonable discussion with him about this in a few weeks or more to really spell out why you were so angry. He may be able to hear you better then.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 19/08/2022 19:32

It’s simple really. He’s 10, he over-reacted, became overly emotional and impulsive and made a mistake. But he’s 10.

How do you teach him to control his emotions in future? By being a role model.

So get over your anger and be a good role model.

ScreamingBeans · 19/08/2022 19:37

I think you're getting his unintentional stupid 10 year old's actions confused with the horrible consequences for you. He doesn't have a sense of money and how awful it's going to be for the next few months and how you are going to feel shit about not being able to buy good Christmas presents like Disney Dad.

You need to try and separate the 2 things. I don't underestimate how bloody awful his mistakes will be for you if you have to pay for them, I've been in that movie myself and it's bloody terrible and I really feel sorry for you, it's awful that you have to suck this up. But you do have to suck it up, you absolutely must not lay that adult awfulness on your child.

ancientgran · 19/08/2022 19:37

CherryBlossomAutumn · 19/08/2022 19:32

It’s simple really. He’s 10, he over-reacted, became overly emotional and impulsive and made a mistake. But he’s 10.

How do you teach him to control his emotions in future? By being a role model.

So get over your anger and be a good role model.

He also needs to learn that is you get something wrong you apologise and saying it was an accident isn't the get out of jail card he seems to think it is.

My GS got something wrong the other day, lots of upset but when he calmed down I said how disappointed I was. His reply was, "I know, I've got lots of grovelling to do." I instantly felt it was over, he acknowledged he was wrong and that was what he needed to do as the OPs son does.

SunnyD44 · 19/08/2022 19:38

I hope this isn’t real. Poor kid.

Yes he had an accident which is very frustrating and annoying when it’s costing you money but your reaction is way OTT.

Do you usually struggle with parenting?
Is there anything that has happened recently that is making you feel extra stressed out?

ancientgran · 19/08/2022 19:38

Can you unintentionally kick a door down?

CaitoftheCantii · 19/08/2022 19:39

@NeedMoreMilk check how the door opens, how the shower works - ffs, he’s 10, and not at home - once you’ve done that and told them ‘ the door slides here, so don’t go mad trying to pull it’, at least he’s been shown…

Do you just let your kids work it out for themselves and then punish them for getting it wrong? Ffs…give them a break from the responsibility…🙄

ancientgran · 19/08/2022 19:40

SunnyD44 · 19/08/2022 19:38

I hope this isn’t real. Poor kid.

Yes he had an accident which is very frustrating and annoying when it’s costing you money but your reaction is way OTT.

Do you usually struggle with parenting?
Is there anything that has happened recently that is making you feel extra stressed out?

Like being short of money and facing a bill that will possibly be for hundreds of pounds and the child isn't even bothered about what he's done?

CaitoftheCantii · 19/08/2022 19:41

@ancientgran well, I’ve seen a fair few adults do that… kids, not so much unless utterly frustrated and overcome with adrenaline…

Violinist64 · 19/08/2022 19:42

EasilyDistracted77 · 19/08/2022 17:10

Do you happen to know anyone (a friend?) who works in the police force who could informally come around and talk to your DS about actions and consequences? Or is that too much?

This is a brilliant idea. He has behaved in a totally thoughtless way and, as we all know, the outcome could have been far more serious than it was, bad enough though it is.

l hope you are feeling better - all our sympathies are with you.

ancientgran · 19/08/2022 19:43

CaitoftheCantii · 19/08/2022 19:39

@NeedMoreMilk check how the door opens, how the shower works - ffs, he’s 10, and not at home - once you’ve done that and told them ‘ the door slides here, so don’t go mad trying to pull it’, at least he’s been shown…

Do you just let your kids work it out for themselves and then punish them for getting it wrong? Ffs…give them a break from the responsibility…🙄

The OP said he slid the door open so I'm sure as a 10 year old he could be expected to work out that if you slide it open you probably have to slide it shut.

diddl · 19/08/2022 19:46

Was this the first time he'd used the shower?

CloudCatz · 19/08/2022 19:48

What he did is very confusing.

If he slid the door open to turn the shower on, why did he think it was on a hinge? He literally just slid it open, so why not just slide it shut? Wtf?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/08/2022 19:52

Hobeau · 19/08/2022 16:27

Giving kids a hug and letting them know their actions don't matter because it was an accident is how you get adults who show no respect for other people's belongings and who won't take responsibility for any action that might mean they have to reimburse someone

No. The opposite. Punishing children with unreasonable anger for mistakes leads to them lying about what they have done, because they're too afraid of the unreasonable consequences to tell the truth. They have to know that there are consequences for thoughtless behaviour which damages other people's possessions, but they should never be afraid to own up and to try to put things right.

It's fine to be cross and to explain why. It's fine to impose a natural consequence. But it isn't fine to be so angry that you feel you can't be around your child at all.

Pardon me, but do you not think there is a middle ground here? Because although you’ve quoted that part of my post, I’m not sure you actually disagree with me, and neither I nor the OP have mentioned punishing children with ‘unreasonable anger’.

Thus far the OP has said that her son is completely unbothered so I’d say he’s neither afraid nor actually bothered at all by the consequences so far.

Winter2020 · 19/08/2022 19:54

I would just like to say (as some people have suggested it is a good idea) that I think it would be completely dreadful to link an austere Christmas with this incident.

Have a low budget Christmas if you need to but don't tell your son that it's his fault. That is something that would stay with him until adulthood.

I can imagine it as an anecdote for "stately homes" - "One year we had no money at Christmas and my mum told me it was my fault because I caused an accident on our summer holiday"

Same with dragging any punishment on for months to be honest. Don't go out for food or buy takeaway fine - but don't keep telling your son that's his fault for months on end that's just cruel.

Christmas is about being nice to your kids not crushing them.

SunnyD44 · 19/08/2022 20:00

Like being short of money and facing a bill that will possibly be for hundreds of pounds and the child isn't even bothered about what he's done?

@ancientgran

I hope you don’t have kids yourself if you seriously think this is ok.

The majority of the world is short of money and have large unexpected bills, it’s not an excuse to act like a bitch.

You’re a liar if you say you’ve never had an accident or made a mistake.

Imagine making a mistake and someone being angry at you over it like you did it on purpose.

CrapBucket · 19/08/2022 20:02

Oh OP massive hug for you and Flowers

I get it. Being a single parent makes this stuff so much harder. Its the dynamic, its all on you and its hard going.

One thing at a time.

You are all safe.
No one is hurt.
Any costs can be paid back to the business in installments. You do not need to almost bankrupt yourself for this.

Your son does need to realise his mistake. He probably does but doesn't know how to talk to you about it all. I think if you were to listen in to a conversation between him and your mum, you would find out.

You have done all you can on this situation for the time being. Honestly now, you all need a bit of reassurance. Do something comforting and normal and low key, like having jacket potatoes and beans and putting on an old DVD.