On holiday with 4yo and it’s awful - is this normal??

[SatelliteFish]

On holiday with 4yo DD and it’s awful.

She’s loving the fun bits, but if she’s not eating ice cream, swimming, bouncing on a bouncy castle etc she’s having a meltdown, mis-behaving or moaning. Won’t eat a single meal nicely, won’t go to bed nicely, won’t do anything nicely unless it’s a fun activity.

Epic (and I mean epic) meltdown today because I wouldn’t buy her a lollipop because her behaviour had been terrible. I said no and explained why & stuck to my guns. I do try to be strict and have some discipline but just feel like a failure.

It’s our first holiday abroad (Europe) due to Covid and DH and I are seriously thinking it will be our last. It’s not enjoyable. I’m looking at flights to leave early.

We’ve looked forward to this holiday for literally years, saved up etc and after this week it’s back to work / grindstone for the next year.

Is this normal? What age do holidays with kids get better??

Please no sarcastic comments. I’m sat here on my hard-earned holiday (first In four years) in tears. If you don’t have any supportive words please kindly pass by this thread.

Oh and DD doesn’t have any additional needs as far as we are aware.

She attends a very good pre-school and they speak very highly of her.

You need to establish a holiday routine quickly, lots of down time if she's not a napper. Get up, breakfast, pool, go indoors, change clothes, lunch, read stories. Go to beach, take snacks, come back, rest, shower, rest, dinner etc, bed when tired, not when directed.

I am sorry.
It will get better :) and one day you will look back and laugh.

Oh OP I hope you're ok. I too have had awful holidays with my DC. My youngest is ND, has ASD, and I can vividly remember having been sent to lunch myself by my DH to get a break, and I was trying etc eat a bowl of soup at the restaurant with years streaming down the inside of my sunglasses.
This was the year before covid, and DS was 7. Generally he copes very well as long as we're there but the change in food was an absolute nightmare.

Take a breath, try and take some time to yourself, and be kind to each other.

Yep normal. We took our 4yr old on a European beach holiday for him to suddenly decide he hates sand, didn't like the pool or the sea. Was very grouchy for the first few days. Then we got a bit of a routine going and got better. Keeping things low key, calm and predictable helped.
We'd get up in the morning and potter about, do breakfast in a similar style to at home. Then maybe go for a swim for a bit or out somewhere. Lunch then back to the apartment for siesta if not eaten in - not necessarily sleep but certainly a chill for a couple of hours with books/iPad etc. Then perhaps back to pool/beach for another couple of hours. Late afternoon cocktail and snacks at pool bar. Then back to apartment to shower and more chill time. Then out for dinner as soon as restaurant opened if feeling confident or eat at apartment. Back by about 8-9 for his bedtime. Then we'd open a bottle of wine on the terrace! Nothing exciting, but it was relaxing, once we got a routine going that worked. Same shit, different location is pretty accurate. It's just hotter and at least there's no work and it's acceptable to have a cocktail at 4pm :-)

Late nights just didn't work at all it always ended badly. Any sugary snacks/ice cream without the opportunity to run about like a crazy child in a play area or something afterwards also a recipe for a meltdown with ours. Another thing was didn't understand 'treats' and being able to have an ice-cream one time and not another - so it became a routine that he could have an ice-cream after lunch and snacks at the pool bar on the evening but not other sweet stuff etc between.

Been on other holidays since and it's got easier since, but a daily routine still makes life easier for us!

Currently on holiday with two other families, including 6 kids from 2-17. It's a rare moment when someone isn't having a meltdown. Spreading the load with other families seems to help, mine are older so are entertaining the little ones a lot, and therefore getting fussed over by the little ones' parents, and leaving me alone (everybody wins!). We're taking it in turns to do pool/ walks to the beach/ games at the table so other adults can go for a relax. Food is being offered but no one stresses when it is refused. Sometimes one or more children just need a quiet hour in front of some cartoons. Expectations on all sides are pretty low and we're all having a good time despite many ups and downs!

As someone told me this week, holidays with young children are "chores on tour". Very accurate.

It's not a holiday, it's doing something different and trying to create a few nice memories.

But what you're describing is normal. We just got back from a week with our 4 and 1 year olds and I'm utterly exhausted by it all. Such a relief to be home - even though I'd say it's been one of our more successful trips.

Generally we've preferred 3-4 day things though because the failing to go to sleep thing really wipes me out.

When we were little, Mum employed The Grip. She’d get us by the upper arm with her thumb and middle fingers and squeeze, just enough to let us know she meant business — it hurt, but not too much — and she’d lean down and whisper, “Do we need to go to the car?”
Lol I don’t know what I thought would happen in the car, but I never found out.

I have a 3 year old and a 3 year old and this is exactly why we haven't taken them away yet (apart from to the inlaws!). Such hard work. I don't think your daughter's behaviour is out or the ordinary for a little one on holiday, most likely over excited, over tired and out or routine. Just make the best of it that you can and don't expect it to be a relaxing trip.

Holidays and 4yos. This is why the all inclusive with the kids club was invented.

And is also why so many young families go on holiday with grandparents or with other parents. Or to a resort with a kids club for 8 hours of the day!!!!!!
Kids get bored. Too hot. Tired. Miss their predictable life at home. Too much sugar. Under exercised. Too many E numbers. Not enough sleep. Over excited. Over exposed to parents they don't normally spend so much time with and quite frankly it's just overwhelming. For the kids and for the parents!!!!

Plan better next time and you will all have a good time. Plan stuff for adults. Plan stuff for the kids. And splurge on childcare. You won't regret it.

I seem to be one of the few that always had lovely holidays with my kids. I have also taken them long haul from age 1. And yes of course the holidays were different and we had to adapt and accommodate their needs. Very sad to read how many people don’t enjoy holidays with their children.

Normal.
Currently on holiday with 9, 6 and 3 year old.
6 and 3 have been relentless. 6 the hardest... crying on walks, refusing to eat, refusing to wear suncream.
9 year old has been a total dream!
It will get eat easier!!

@AdriannaP everyone's different. Didn't you know that? what's enjoyable for you isn't enjoyable for others.

My Dd 4 - refused to eat anything but these little yogurts from the hotel shop. Refused to drink from cups (luckily I brought out breaker from home) and only apple juice.

Regularly melted down every 10seconds.

Holidays with small children is like going on holiday with tempmental terrorists doing a assault course in heat. It was not fun.

That said I went to a v child friendly hotel so loads of smallies and every kid was melting down and no one batted a eye lid, that helped somewhat. My friend said she didn't go on holiday with hers until they were about 6 and less prone to ear splitting noise.

I'm gonna get shot for saying this but I have been there recently and I totally get it. Any chance for quite time ie kids YouTube on your phone ? I found that overestimated kids sometimes also need some chill tfo time.

It does get better but in mean time hang on in there op.

@CakeCrumbs44 yes, I used to be a little bit judgy about kids clubs too until we tried it.

My DS really responded to the structure and familiarity (in that it is a similar situation to school or nursery), and was calmer and more content knowing that there was a framework to the day.

I agree with other posters that it's likely to be loss of routine etc. DS announced to the whole plane (coming home) that he never ever wanted to go on holiday again. He was 3. Others passengers thought it was funny. I was in agreement that he was never going anywhere again!

It gets better I promise. Once he was 6/7 then it was so much easier with sleeping and eating etc. Share the chores of looking after her so you both get some downtime and do something you want to do. And reduce expectations - I wouldn't force a bedtime on holiday.

Can you get to a beach? I found my dd slept like a log after a long day at the beach. Or even a lido......

Overstimulation and overtiredness most likely culprits.
Try to keep things very low key and simple with mountains of rest time. And early to bed.

Omg wish I hadn't said anything. 9 year old has woken in a foul mood today 😒

I haven't read all the comments, so apologise if repeating.

Expectations is the key.
Get some paper.
Make 2 timetables.
One is the days, ticking off days until we go home, and then draw picture of plane/ferry and on the next day draw a picture of your house/cat etc so she can see how many days and that you are going home afterwards.

2nd timetable is for today.
Firm guidelines as to what is going to happen.
First breakfast, everyone eats toast
THEN swimming pool.
Put meals and snacks on it.
Put treats on it.

Draw pictures so she can 'read' it.

Then talk her through it. Say things like - it is so exciting being on holiday, but it is a bit funny not knowing what is going to happen next because it is different from home. So here is a plan so you can see. Look this is when we have ice cream, just once. Once we have done that then there isn't another ice cream on the day is there?
Look how we have breakfats first, and then swimming pool. Can't go to the pool until we have had breakfast.
Talk her through the day.

Then chill. So you and dh sit at table having toast. If she dances all over the place and won't sit down, ignore her, and just say - breakfast first then swimming. If she misses breakfast, well the world won't end, take the battle out of it.
Once you and dh have finished breakfast make a bit point of looking at the timetable, What's next? Oh swimming time, let's get our swimming things ready. Each time look at what is NOW and what is NEXT. So swimming time and then after swimming bakc to the apartment for lunch anc chill with ipad.

At every activity change blame the timetable. Oh no now is time for lunch, that is what it says so that's what we're going to do.

Family holidays can often be more hassle than they are worth. We've had some years where we've just done a handful of day trips rather than a holiday abroad.

If you want the kind of holiday you had pre DC find a babysitter and go without them or go somewhere with a full time kids club.

DC's will get hyper in the heat, with changes of routine, parents being off work, different food, different bed etc. That's a lot of change to cope with!

Lower your expectations: feed them whatever they'll eat; let them stay up late; do DC's focussed activities eg pool/beach.

I do think that all these comments about 'do UK holidays' are honestly nonsense.

We have always taken our kids away. The difference is that we went to easy villa, usually with pool, and self catering.
Then our expectations were that we would be parenting all week, not sitting by the pool sunbathing.
Kids had routine, different to home, but routine. Kids basically played in pool all morning, dh and I took turns.
Then after lunch dvd and chill until after 3 pm due to heat and sun.
Then back in pool.
One of us cooks so food is reayd on table at 6, just as pool starts to get shady and cold.
Food, family board games, and bed, at not too late after normal time.

Dh and I took turns gettign up in the morning, and let them chill with TV until breakfast.
No, it wasn't restful for dh and I but it was nice and family based. Mostly fine, not too much in the way of melt downs, but we worked hard to chill.

@steppemum

Working hard to chill? Now that sounds like utter nonsense.

With all types of holiday (UK and otherwise), it's very difficult to predict if children will enjoy them and go with the flow, or end up being a complete and utter nightmare.

I think it's sensible if you can to plan a holiday with some elements that the adults will enjoy, regardless of whether the kids are playing ball or not. And that means childcare - whether kids club, babysitter or taking turns to give each other a break. And I have no judgement for tired parents wrangling fed-up kids who hand over the ipad or tablet at meal times so they can eat their food in peace (so long as the kids use headphones!). People have mentioned low expectations as being key... assuming the kids will be a nightmare and you will both require some time away from them is quite a sensible strategy to manage expectations!

I remember after one (UK but still not cheap!) family holiday around that age, I asked DD what the best bit of the holiday was and her answer was “seeing a pug in the playground” 😬

I could’ve stayed at home, gone to the playground opposite our house, and paid someone fifty quid to walk a pug about and saved myself a fortune 😂

Sums it up for holidays at that age really! But hey ho 😂

don't be ridiculous
Obvious what I mean
You put effort into making a situation that works so that each person gets some chill, time.
It takes effort and planning with small children
But perfetcly possible