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Original poster

Am i expecting too much from my working partner as a stay at home mum?

113 replies

AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 20:33

Hi,
Was wondering if anyone could give there opinion on this. I'm a stay at home mum to my son who is nearly 10 months old and my partner works Mon-Fri.

There is a never ending conflict between us as he believes he shouldn't have to do anything for our son or for me because he is the parent that goes to work and financially supports us.
He never wants to go on days out with us on the weekend as he says they are his days off to relax. Meaning he would just sleep all day and go on his phone if it was up to him. He also goes straight to sleep when he is home from work. Is this normal?

If i ask him to do something ie give baby dinner most of the time he will do it but he will complain about it. This is the case with pretty much everything i ask him to do, and in my opinion asking him to feed/ bath or watch his child isn't asking too much as i do literally everything else.

I've tried to express to him how down it makes me that he has no interest in me or our son and how my life isn't easy like he thinks it is but he just doesn't care

It's put a huge strain on our relationship and i feel like im just living with a stranger, and being with him is just starting to make me feel depressed because of how negative he is. I'm starting to feel like i can't ask him to do anything because of the comments he makes just gets me down.

Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice on how what to do and how to go about it?

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 12/07/2022 20:40

Sorry OP, but no this is not normal.
Firstly it's sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his DS.

What does he say when you ask him why he doesn't want to spend time with him (or you for that matter)?

It doesn't sound healthy that he wants to go straight to bed from work, is he depressed maybe.?

Did he do his fair share before your DS arrived

AliceW89 · 12/07/2022 20:42

Sadly, this behaviour is relatively normal in the sense that is common…but it certainly isn’t correct and is nothing more than misogyny. You both work 9-5. Therefore time and tasks when he is at home should be split equally. It’s so incredibly sad he’d rather be on his phone then spend time with his baby at the weekend. Are you planning on being a SAHM or are you going back to work at 12 months?

FLOWER1982 · 12/07/2022 20:42

Nope. Split everything once he is home. Where is your time to relax? I’d think about going back to work if I were you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Wendarl · 12/07/2022 20:44

No, it’s totally unacceptable and you are right to be angry. I would really recommend the book “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky. Honestly, it will help you so much, to see how unfair it is but also on how to have a decent conversation with your partner about this stuff.

i have been a stay at home parent and I’ve been a working parent and in general being the stay at home parent is far tougher and more deserving of the physical and mental break!!

if my husband didn’t see this I’d be getting a divorce. At least as a divorced co-parent you get some time off!!

ithoughtitmihtbenicetochat · 12/07/2022 20:45

FLOWER1982 · 12/07/2022 20:42

Nope. Split everything once he is home. Where is your time to relax? I’d think about going back to work if I were you.

I went back to work, and now I do it all and work.
Which hasn't helped.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2022 20:45

Did he want a baby? I can’t imagine showing so little interest in getting to know your child, which you can obviously only do if you spend time with them and interact with them. I’d be heartbroken in your shoes, never mind the lack of any effort at pitching in with life apart from his job and his bloody phone.

Is he depressed? What was life life before you had your son?

If you’re considering leaving him I think you’d find life easier and happier if you did. You wouldn’t have a useless lump getting under your feet and making you feel lonely and miserable.

LittleBearPad · 12/07/2022 20:46

Go back to work. You’ll have your own income which will give you choices

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 20:47

AliceW89 · 12/07/2022 20:42

Sadly, this behaviour is relatively normal in the sense that is common…but it certainly isn’t correct and is nothing more than misogyny. You both work 9-5. Therefore time and tasks when he is at home should be split equally. It’s so incredibly sad he’d rather be on his phone then spend time with his baby at the weekend. Are you planning on being a SAHM or are you going back to work at 12 months?

He was not open to me working, even part time as he says it is only right for my son to be with his mother. I had even offered to find a new job and just work at the weekends but he didn't want to have to look after our son whilst i was working He actually said it was because he goes to football every Saturday and has done since he was a kid so couldn't give that up.. It also seemed that if i went back to work it wouldn't be financially worth it as all of my wage would go on childcare.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 12/07/2022 20:51

Ok OP you need to:

  1. Plan how to get back into work
  2. Work out childcare for when you are working.
  3. See if any family members can put you both up for a few months when you eventually split from him. If not plan how you are going to survive without him.

Oh and misogynists like your partner only listen to other men.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 20:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2022 20:45

Did he want a baby? I can’t imagine showing so little interest in getting to know your child, which you can obviously only do if you spend time with them and interact with them. I’d be heartbroken in your shoes, never mind the lack of any effort at pitching in with life apart from his job and his bloody phone.

Is he depressed? What was life life before you had your son?

If you’re considering leaving him I think you’d find life easier and happier if you did. You wouldn’t have a useless lump getting under your feet and making you feel lonely and miserable.

He tells me he definitely isn't depressed and that it's normal because he is tired from work...

He wanted the baby when i found out and he also has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship and even sometimes i feel like he bothers more with him just because he doesn't live with us as he lives with his mum

Is it because our son is younger? He seems to have more fun with his 5 year old but even then i think it's cos he only has him every other weekend..

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 12/07/2022 20:52

I don’t think it’s normal I’d feel the same as you do, what’s the point of having a little family if the father doesn’t want to be involved with his little boy! Did he want a child op! Is he depressed? Or just bloody lazy

VerveClique · 12/07/2022 20:52

Get the job.

Make him parent.

Childcare is a family expense.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 20:53

CambsAlways · 12/07/2022 20:52

I don’t think it’s normal I’d feel the same as you do, what’s the point of having a little family if the father doesn’t want to be involved with his little boy! Did he want a child op! Is he depressed? Or just bloody lazy

At this point i think he's just lazy!! he did want me to have this baby and even has another son from a previous relationship..

OP posts:
Avacadoandtoast · 12/07/2022 20:54

He sounds an absolute delight.

You would be better off without him - much happier too, I can almost guarantee it.

RoseMartha · 12/07/2022 20:56

Does he go to the football when his older son stays with you? Or does he expect you to parent your step son?

I see lots of red flags with your situation. He also is being controlling and abusive. I wonder why he and his ex split. Maybe history is repeating itself.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 21:20

Wendarl · 12/07/2022 20:44

No, it’s totally unacceptable and you are right to be angry. I would really recommend the book “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky. Honestly, it will help you so much, to see how unfair it is but also on how to have a decent conversation with your partner about this stuff.

i have been a stay at home parent and I’ve been a working parent and in general being the stay at home parent is far tougher and more deserving of the physical and mental break!!

if my husband didn’t see this I’d be getting a divorce. At least as a divorced co-parent you get some time off!!

Thank you for the recommendation! Desperate for him to see things how i do..

OP posts:
Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 21:35

RoseMartha · 12/07/2022 20:56

Does he go to the football when his older son stays with you? Or does he expect you to parent your step son?

I see lots of red flags with your situation. He also is being controlling and abusive. I wonder why he and his ex split. Maybe history is repeating itself.

He usually takes his other son. Season ended a few months ago so he hasn't been going and still he feels like the weekends are for himself to relax rather than spend time with us
I question where my time to relax is because my job is 24/7 and he just makes out like that doesn't matter because his labour job is harder physically

OP posts:
AliceW89 · 12/07/2022 21:36

He was not open to me working, even part time as he says it is only right for my son to be with his mother.

Stinking misogynistic bullshit. He just can’t be bothered doing any parenting or housekeeping whatsoever so is making you his default maid alongside the default parent by emotionally blackmailing you with faux concern about your DC.

You are in a very precarious position not working and not being legally tied to this man. Who owns the house you live in? What happens when he decides you are both too much work so ups and leaves and you have no income? I would urge you to return to employment even if the majority of your salary goes on childcare.

He prefers his 5 year old because they are generally easier than babies, he can play Disney dad and then he can ship him back off to his exP when he’s had enough of him.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 21:56

AliceW89 · 12/07/2022 21:36

He was not open to me working, even part time as he says it is only right for my son to be with his mother.

Stinking misogynistic bullshit. He just can’t be bothered doing any parenting or housekeeping whatsoever so is making you his default maid alongside the default parent by emotionally blackmailing you with faux concern about your DC.

You are in a very precarious position not working and not being legally tied to this man. Who owns the house you live in? What happens when he decides you are both too much work so ups and leaves and you have no income? I would urge you to return to employment even if the majority of your salary goes on childcare.

He prefers his 5 year old because they are generally easier than babies, he can play Disney dad and then he can ship him back off to his exP when he’s had enough of him.

I should've mentioned i'm 21 and he's 27, we live together in my parents house. This obviously gives me an advantage as me and my son will never be homeless.. however we have argued in the past and i have asked him to move out, even for a week for some space and he refused. He would have nowhere to go if it did come to that which makes me feel guilty.
I quit my job after him never being open for the conversation about me going back, i felt like it was the only option because i couldn't afford childcare on my own.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2022 22:00

Kick this lazy fucker out. It's no mystery why his previous relationship didn't work out, is it? Don't stay with a man who blatantly has zero interest in his own child. I'd be showing him the door right now.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 22:09

Thinkbiglittleone · 12/07/2022 20:40

Sorry OP, but no this is not normal.
Firstly it's sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his DS.

What does he say when you ask him why he doesn't want to spend time with him (or you for that matter)?

It doesn't sound healthy that he wants to go straight to bed from work, is he depressed maybe.?

Did he do his fair share before your DS arrived

He just tells me that he's too tired all the time. I've asked him to get checked at the doctors incase it's low iron or something but he just thinks i'm nagging and wont even do that. I tell him that it's not normal to be like this but he just says "you don't see how hard i have to work" He just moans and says things like "do i have too" or "i can't be arsed" if i wake him up on the weekend to do something with the kids. But he insists he is not depressed or anything like that, it seems he has convinced even himself his behaviour is normal which is why i needed other peoples opinions because i just don't get it!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2022 22:28

What do your parents think of this dynamic? I can’t imagine this is how they imagined your life being tbh. And as if he can just refuse to leave. You/your parents can take his key or change the locks, put his stuff outside and tell him not to come back. It’s not hard. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t do that. You don’t need him to support you as you have your parents and he adds nothing to you or your son’s lives.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2022 22:29

Are your parents also hosting his contact with his son EOW? He’s 27, he has a job and 2 children. He needs to sort his own place to live and your parents aren’t in any way obliged to house him.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 22:30

After seeing some of the comments on here, i asked him if he could make his own lunch for work tomorrow to which he responded no and proceeded to beg me to do it. I asked him why he couldn't do this himself and he came up with an excuse about his body aching and him being tired from work. Yet he still finds the time to sit downstairs on his phone for hours before coming to bed? He said if i didn't make it he wouldn't have a lunch at all and would go hungry.
He's also just sulking and not come up to bed like he had said he would.

I know this behaviour is not normal for a 27 year old man but i literally don't think he will ever see this. I don't know if this is a lost cause or if i should just come to terms that being a single parent might be easier than this.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2022 22:34

It’s a lost cause. It’s a lost cause. It’s a lost cause. Please tell your parents how fucking useless he is and kick him out.