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Original poster

Am i expecting too much from my working partner as a stay at home mum?

113 replies

AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 20:33

Hi,
Was wondering if anyone could give there opinion on this. I'm a stay at home mum to my son who is nearly 10 months old and my partner works Mon-Fri.

There is a never ending conflict between us as he believes he shouldn't have to do anything for our son or for me because he is the parent that goes to work and financially supports us.
He never wants to go on days out with us on the weekend as he says they are his days off to relax. Meaning he would just sleep all day and go on his phone if it was up to him. He also goes straight to sleep when he is home from work. Is this normal?

If i ask him to do something ie give baby dinner most of the time he will do it but he will complain about it. This is the case with pretty much everything i ask him to do, and in my opinion asking him to feed/ bath or watch his child isn't asking too much as i do literally everything else.

I've tried to express to him how down it makes me that he has no interest in me or our son and how my life isn't easy like he thinks it is but he just doesn't care

It's put a huge strain on our relationship and i feel like im just living with a stranger, and being with him is just starting to make me feel depressed because of how negative he is. I'm starting to feel like i can't ask him to do anything because of the comments he makes just gets me down.

Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice on how what to do and how to go about it?

OP posts:
AliceW89 · 12/07/2022 22:41

Assuming he is paying your parents rent/expenses for the 3 of you…I think you need to lay it out to your parents just how dire he is and see if they would be willing to host you and the baby for as much as you can afford… then you can find a job, try and find some childcare and kick him out. The fact he has got nowhere to go is not your problem. He’s a waste of space and emotionally blackmailing you.

wwyd2021medicine · 12/07/2022 22:42

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
DH was working 60 hours a week, came home, bathed and entertained DC while I cooked dinner, put washing in etc and put DC to bed after dinner or whatever while I cleaned up etc and we both then slobbed in front of the tv
Equal time off
Not quite as clear cut as that as even with babies I sometimes got ahead of the game and it was more relaxed in the evening but generally we didn't stop until we both stopped

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 22:42

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2022 22:29

Are your parents also hosting his contact with his son EOW? He’s 27, he has a job and 2 children. He needs to sort his own place to live and your parents aren’t in any way obliged to house him.

His son does stay here yes. You aren't wrong and i know i shouldn't put up with this. I know I will never be homeless due to living with parents however I don't know how I could cope financially as a single parent as rent, food, car payments etc are all paid for by his income. He also works for my dads company which would make things a little more complicated as i don't want to put my dad in an awkward situation.

OP posts:

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Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 22:46

wwyd2021medicine · 12/07/2022 22:42

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
DH was working 60 hours a week, came home, bathed and entertained DC while I cooked dinner, put washing in etc and put DC to bed after dinner or whatever while I cleaned up etc and we both then slobbed in front of the tv
Equal time off
Not quite as clear cut as that as even with babies I sometimes got ahead of the game and it was more relaxed in the evening but generally we didn't stop until we both stopped

I've tried to explain to him so many times that other men do this for their partners/ families and he will not believe me. Says he doesn't know anyone that has to work full time and help out. If he does help out (after he has complained for 30 mins) it will be 5 minutes before he gives our son back to me saying he's been at work all day he should get to relax.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 12/07/2022 22:48

Please get ridnofbthis entitled man child. Do not do his lunch tomorrow tell him to leave tonight. Apply for benefits you are more than entitled to them op . Even if you claim for the short term

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/07/2022 22:48

Rid of this*

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/07/2022 22:49

Also have you spoken to your parents about this. They can throw him out and he can do fuck all about it

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 22:51

AliceW89 · 12/07/2022 22:41

Assuming he is paying your parents rent/expenses for the 3 of you…I think you need to lay it out to your parents just how dire he is and see if they would be willing to host you and the baby for as much as you can afford… then you can find a job, try and find some childcare and kick him out. The fact he has got nowhere to go is not your problem. He’s a waste of space and emotionally blackmailing you.

Having worked since i was 16 i'm finding it really difficult to come to my parents about this, I hate asking for money or help as I just feel so guilty as none of this is there fault so why should they have to pick up his slack...
But i know they will always help me and we will never go without anything we need.. it's just a really difficult situation because my partner works for my dads small business aswell.

OP posts:
popapoppadum · 12/07/2022 22:52

No, no, no. Kick him right out. He sounds like an absolute piece of work. Awful man.

DH works full time while I am a SAHM and then once he's home he helps out with EVERYTHING. Helps with the kids, dinner, bath, bed etc. And weekends are family time because he loves his kids and wants to spend time with them.

Your life will be so much happier without this man. Start planning for your future, it may seem scary but I bet you won't regret it! Good luck OP

Jalepenojello · 12/07/2022 22:54

When I was a SAHM, the second my partner walked in door it was 50/50, in the early days it was a case of me throwing baby at them and taking 15 minutes to collect myself first. Weekends are for family activities and DIY etc. Downtime when kids are in bed and 50/50 on night wakings too. The fact is I DID manage most of the housework while he was at work, but had I not it would never have been an issue. I remember making lunches for him in the early days but he just took over one day, it was never a conversation or expectation I would do it.

Your partner is not a partner at all. They are a grown child.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 22:56

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/07/2022 22:49

Also have you spoken to your parents about this. They can throw him out and he can do fuck all about it

In all honesty it was only the one time i had asked him to leave after an argument, I even had to write a letter to try and get through to him (4 pages long) ultimately asking for him to go to his mums for a week (so i could figure out if i would cope better without him) and he had just said he couldn't go back there and that i was just being "silly" and in the end i probably just moved on from it.

He has said before if i was serious about him moving out then he would never come back, basically implying he would never see his son. Which makes me worry what the future will be like as i do want my son to have contact with him still...

OP posts:
Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 23:00

popapoppadum · 12/07/2022 22:52

No, no, no. Kick him right out. He sounds like an absolute piece of work. Awful man.

DH works full time while I am a SAHM and then once he's home he helps out with EVERYTHING. Helps with the kids, dinner, bath, bed etc. And weekends are family time because he loves his kids and wants to spend time with them.

Your life will be so much happier without this man. Start planning for your future, it may seem scary but I bet you won't regret it! Good luck OP

This thread has definitely opened my eyes and made me realise i'm not crazy for thinking the way i do..
Thankyou!

OP posts:
spotcheck · 12/07/2022 23:03

Dear lord.

Unsaddle yourself from this horrible man.

You will never convince him to see the unfairness of this- it suits him to manipulate you into thinking he is right so that is what he is doing. Lazy worthless man.

I bet your parents will be delighted to see you shot of him.

OP do you really want to derail any chance of future career success so you can be this man’s maid?

junebirthdaygirl · 12/07/2022 23:08

Even in the 1960s my dad came home from work and was straight into playing, minding interacting with us kids. He is completely off the wall and a horrible father.....not a father at all actually. He is very immature and l wouldn't even bother asking him anymore. Just distance yourself and plan a life for you and your little one. And whatever happens do not get pregnant again .
And by the way he doesn't get to decide if you work or not. Imagine at 27 having such an old fashioned idea of a womans life. He is a total tosser.

spotcheck · 12/07/2022 23:10

He has said before if i was serious about him moving out then he would never come back, basically implying he would never see his son. Which makes me worry what the future will be like as i do want my son to have contact with him still

Never give in to threats. My ex pulled this shit all the time. Just another way to control you. Again- you can’t make him be a good dad.

Mellie555 · 12/07/2022 23:10

AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 22:42

His son does stay here yes. You aren't wrong and i know i shouldn't put up with this. I know I will never be homeless due to living with parents however I don't know how I could cope financially as a single parent as rent, food, car payments etc are all paid for by his income. He also works for my dads company which would make things a little more complicated as i don't want to put my dad in an awkward situation.

Show quote history

15 years ago when my son was 2, I was working full time and so was his dad. But he would never lift a finger when he came home from work, even tho we both worked

i once dared to Complain about this and he replied ‘you’re not the only f’ing mother who works full time and has kids!!’

I left that day…and he hasn’t bothered with his son since. Last time we heard from him was about 10 years ago

15 years on I now earn £100k a year, own my house, have amazing holidays, nice car, nice life.,,,, and he works as a chef in an old peoples home earning about £18k 🤣 (btw I’m not slating anyone who doesn’t earn huge money - I’m just showing a) how karma always gets u and b) how I decided I wasn’t gonna let the situation bring me down and how I turned it around so that I never had to depend on a man financially ever again

bakewellbride · 12/07/2022 23:11

You are not crazy op! What is your boyfriend's job and why is it so tiring for him? My husband is a paramedic, he is often up at 4am for work and is under extreme pressure throughout the day, often making life and death decisions, sometimes working night shifts. At home he is absolutely brilliant. Always grabs the hoover and cleans and tidies. If I worry about him being tired he tells me not to worry and insists that we are a team and that he wants to do as much as he can. He does absolutely loads with our kids. Always does the nursery run when he's not working because he says he likes it. Looks after them, up in the night. We don't view it as 'helping out'. Please, please do not let your boyfriend convince you his behaviour is normal, it 100% isn't. Also his threat of never coming back is just awful and so manipulative. I hope your parents are able to support you through your situation. You must open up to them about what he is like. Flowers

Butterbean9 · 12/07/2022 23:11

What are you getting from the relationship? He doesn't sound like a very good partner and he's a crap father who had no interest in his child.
But his life sounds great. You do all the parenting and even make his lunches! While he sits on his phone or sleeps.
You would be far better off without him, and if he decides he won't have contact with your son, he'll be better off without him too

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 23:15

bakewellbride · 12/07/2022 23:11

You are not crazy op! What is your boyfriend's job and why is it so tiring for him? My husband is a paramedic, he is often up at 4am for work and is under extreme pressure throughout the day, often making life and death decisions, sometimes working night shifts. At home he is absolutely brilliant. Always grabs the hoover and cleans and tidies. If I worry about him being tired he tells me not to worry and insists that we are a team and that he wants to do as much as he can. He does absolutely loads with our kids. Always does the nursery run when he's not working because he says he likes it. Looks after them, up in the night. We don't view it as 'helping out'. Please, please do not let your boyfriend convince you his behaviour is normal, it 100% isn't. Also his threat of never coming back is just awful and so manipulative. I hope your parents are able to support you through your situation. You must open up to them about what he is like. Flowers

His job is nothing compared to your husband's. He does civil engineering so basically anything groundwork. I get that at the moment the heat in the uk must make it hard to work out in this heat but if i'm honest, he has only been doing this job for a few weeks and before he had worked in retail and was the exact same... would fall asleep when he got in not help etc and i could never understand as i have worked retail before and find being a SAHM 100x harder... Thank you for reassuring me that this is all not normal, for so long i've just had to shrug it off because i fell into believing him.

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 12/07/2022 23:19

@AlishaLouise being a sahm is definitely very hard indeed - it's 24/7! You sound like you're doing a great job though and I'm sorry you're not getting the support you deserve. You should be proud of yourself & please speak to your parents.

LilyMarshall · 12/07/2022 23:25

He is a sexist, lazy controlling man. He is also a shit father, threatening not to have anything ondo with his son if you dont accept his shitiness.

he has got to go.

Original poster
AlishaLouise · 12/07/2022 23:26

bakewellbride · 12/07/2022 23:19

@AlishaLouise being a sahm is definitely very hard indeed - it's 24/7! You sound like you're doing a great job though and I'm sorry you're not getting the support you deserve. You should be proud of yourself & please speak to your parents.

Thank you so much for this comment, i'm going to push myself to be honest with them as I only have one child but with him feel like a mother of two!

OP posts:
Penfelyn · 13/07/2022 01:13

OP, I'm a single, full-time working parent of two young kids so I get exactly how hard it is. And believe me, being a single parent is a 100% better than living with this waste of space of a man you have. When kids are in bed my time is my own. My bed is my own. I only have myself to consider and my own messes to clean, and I sure as hell wouldn't fix a man-child's lunch for him. Call his bluff, I can assure you he won't go hungry. At most he'll go off in a huff and complain he was hungry (but in reality will have bought something to eat outside).

Please stop doing anything for him, I mean anything at all. Don't fix his food, don't wash his clothes. Better yet, kick him out. I know it's hard and you care about him but this situation is the result of HIS choices and HIS behaviour. What a dick !

After you kick him out you'll most likely find your life has improved immensely.

And if he chooses to not see his son, frankly, I'm thinking that's probably for the best as what kind of exemple is he setting him ? Not one I'd want either of my sons to follow !

I'm sorry, OP, it must be so hard.

But I'm going to predict the future and here is what will happen if you kick him out.

  • He'll refuse to go
  • When he sees you're serious he'll blackmail you by threatening to never see his son again. At this point you can tell him that's up to him and he'll hurt only himself.
  • Eventually he might go (your parents may have to enforce the kicking out part)
  • He'll give you some abuse on the phone, then he'll try to make you feel sorry about him.
  • He'll tell you how sad he is about the whole situation, and he might even promise to change.
  • But if you ever let him back in he'll be back to his old ways before you have time to blink.
If it were me I'd kick him out and be glad to never see his sorry face again.
stayathomer · 13/07/2022 01:26

Dh wfh I work in a retail setting 8.45 to 6 5 days a week and while it’s not right, I’ve found on my days off I just want to stay home. I know it’s not right but I’m so tired I can’t even believe it. I’m not excusing anything but I am just saying I know how it feels to just want to not move (however I do more cleaning, most washing and all the organising, looking after kids and do play football/read a story etc when I get home)

timeisnotaline · 13/07/2022 01:58

Christ please talk to your parents, it sounds like he’s only been working for your dad for a few weeks? You sound so beaten down - he’s a random employee who is from the sounds of him far from the best employee going, you can’t prioritise your dad having some shit bloke do a few weeks of work for him over your life!
personally no woman should be in a relationship with a man who thinks women shouldn’t work and also don’t help at home. My Dh is in construction, works full time (as do I when not on mat leave) , he leaves about 6am after washing any pots from last night and emptying the dishwasher. He picks up our 4yo from childcare on the way home on his childcare days, gets in the door and either takes the baby or starts getting dinner on. Saturday mornings he takes the older 2 to football and swimming except when he has to work Saturday. And that’s similar for all his many civil engineering friends of which he obviously has many! His boss just went on paternity leave, and my Dh is going on paternity leave when I go back to work.
im just trying to say this guy isn’t worth the air he uses op, there are so many better men out there and you are very young. You are lucky to have your parents; explain to them, kick him out and call the police if he won’t go.