Am i expecting too much from my working partner as a stay at home mum?

[AlishaLouise]

Hi,
Was wondering if anyone could give there opinion on this. I'm a stay at home mum to my son who is nearly 10 months old and my partner works Mon-Fri.

There is a never ending conflict between us as he believes he shouldn't have to do anything for our son or for me because he is the parent that goes to work and financially supports us.
He never wants to go on days out with us on the weekend as he says they are his days off to relax. Meaning he would just sleep all day and go on his phone if it was up to him. He also goes straight to sleep when he is home from work. Is this normal?

If i ask him to do something ie give baby dinner most of the time he will do it but he will complain about it. This is the case with pretty much everything i ask him to do, and in my opinion asking him to feed/ bath or watch his child isn't asking too much as i do literally everything else.

I've tried to express to him how down it makes me that he has no interest in me or our son and how my life isn't easy like he thinks it is but he just doesn't care

It's put a huge strain on our relationship and i feel like im just living with a stranger, and being with him is just starting to make me feel depressed because of how negative he is. I'm starting to feel like i can't ask him to do anything because of the comments he makes just gets me down.

Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice on how what to do and how to go about it?

Thank you for the advice it's much appreciated. First step is to tell my parents for sure..

This is not normal behaviour at all! I'm so sorry your going through this.
I am also a SAHM to DD 13months. Husband works full time and does his fair share.
He is a father, not a fucking baby sitter. He needs to have some responsibility to his child, otherwise what's the point of being a parent? Was your child planned? I can't understand his reluctance!!

Our son wasn't planned no, we had split up a month before i found out. We used to work together and i had just started a new job and was moving on.. so i thought. He was happy when i told him tho... and we gave it another go. He didn't treat me very well when i was pregnant but i wanted to give him the chance to change when baby was born. And tbh he did! for 6 weeks only.. he had 6 weeks off work and he did everything for our son. As soon as he went back to work his mindset completely changed and has been this way ever since. I think he just somehow had convinced me this was the way it was meant to be but deep down i knew it wasn't fair!

I'm currently on mat leave with my 4.5m old. Partner works 8-3 outside on the railway so also in the heat.
Yes he is tired when he comes in but he is always keen to see his daughter and spend time with her! He does get some time to relax as she is happy to play on the floor for short periods and not need constant interaction but he chooses to spend time with her and also often cooks dinner/puts washing on/loads and unloads the dishwasher in the evening.
At weekends I will sometimes go out with baby and my sister and give him a few hours to relax but he always says he actually misses us when we are out. And the other day we do things together.
I don't generally leave her alone with him as she is incredibly clingy and just screams but he would actually like to be able to do that more. He does some housework at the weekend- I normally need to point out what needs doing but he happily does it.
I do night wakings but that's because she co-sleeps with me, we are going to be sleep training soon and have already discussed that he will do half of this at weekends and has taken a days holiday to offer extra support when we start. However he will get up with her if she wakes early (5am this morning) and look after her until he goes to work.
He does his fair share of bottles and nappies and we do bath time together.
So no your partners attitude is definitely not normal.

Sounds like you're a great team!
He seemed to be more inclined to help when our son was younger but ever since he needed to be watched constantly he just cannot be alone with him for more than 5 mins without giving him back to me... He is a very active 10 month old and gets around and into everything very well so i know more than anyone how it's not exactly relaxing like he wants too. He will not look up off his phone for longer than 2 seconds when he is looking after the baby and many times i have caught him asleep whilst supposedly looking after him (to find DS in front of tv in strapped into his chair). I know it's not normal and i can't excuse his behaviour any longer just wish i could understand why he has no interest in us at all...

OP I second @timeisnotaline in saying please talk to your parents without your partner there.

Also don't be surprised that part of the reason your dad has given your partner a job is because he is going out with you. If he's lazy at home then it is likely he's just an adequate employee.

Before you speak to your parents make a list of what you want e.g. him to leave the house, you to go back to work, your child in childcare, some support while you sort yourself out.

Explain to your parents how little your partner does for your joint son, describe how he is trying to control you by saying you can't work, point out you want a future for yourself and it isn't the 1950s, tell them you want your partner to leave their house as soon as possible, and then using your list explain what you want including what help you want from them.

I know it's not normal and i can't excuse his behaviour any longer just wish i could understand why he has no interest in us at all...

He's a selfish man-child.

Thanks for the advice i'm definitely going to make a list as i have a habit of forgetting things when it comes down to it.

When DD was born DH was working full time, commuting and was an older Dad (over 50). Yes, he was tired but he got on with it and did all the cleaning and a lot of the laundry. We took it in turns to do bedtime. Your partner is young, why on earth is he so tired?!

Now I work full time and DH is a SAHD. He does all the cleaning and most of the laundry and almost all the schoolruns. I do most of the cooking. We still take it in turns to do bedtime.

Compare how much 'free' time both of you have - we worked it out so we both have similar amounts.

I just want to give you a big hug! This is not normal behaviour for a partner. I can't believe that men like this exist! My partner used to work a full time job then 2 evenings as a doorman and he still did most of the cooking and did his fair share of the housework when I was on maternity leave.

Also want to add that he constantly tells me the reason for him being tired, not wanting to go on days out or do anything with us is because he is "too old" (his words) and the only reason i want to do these things is because i'm much younger than him and have more energy. At 27 most people are only just starting to have or even think about kids surely? How will he cope being a dad for the rest of his life if he is "too old" now🤦🏻‍♀️

Thankyou! I didn't realise quite how bad he was until coming on here and hearing how everyone else lives and shares duties equally!
He has lived here for a year and he has not once done any of his own washing, dinners etc. I guess that is fault of my own for just getting on with it and allowing him to be this way. Not anymore tho.

I strongly suspect your parents are only tolerating this situation for your sake. I suspect they'll do a merry dance when you push him out the door. I'd sit down with your parents and share your feelings. Perhaps you can plan together how to get this situation sorted. This wasn't even normal in my parent's generation. My Dad shared everything when he was at home because that's what's fair.

I've told him many times it's not normal to be so tired and maybe he needs to get checked, low iron maybe?? But he has always just shut me down saying i won't understand because i'm only 21 and he's "old". Again just trying to justify being lazy but he has totally convinced himself that the way he is is normal and i just enjoy moaning for the sake of things.

They do question why he has to go straight for a nap when he gets in as they too work full time and come home and get on with chores etc and are much older than him. But you're right, they don't say much as they won't want to get involved. Occasionally i have had a moan about him to my mum but she too seems to make out like it's okay for him to do that because he's working and financially supporting me and my son. Im not sure she's the best person to talk too as she seems to be the one doing everything in her own marriage - maybe that's why i've allowed it for myself for so long... but i will try and open up to them about how it makes me feel.

I feel so angry for you and your DC, please protect your DC from a man who doesn’t want to spend time with him. Also is this the role model you want for your DC?

I think your parents are probably quiet or on the fence thinking it’s for your benefit, talking to them asap is your best option.

His behaviour is not normal protect and live yourself and child Op

It's not what i want for my son no, in the past he has just managed to manipulate me into thinking my son would turn out worse without having a father figure but i now know this can't go on any longer.

He’s 27. Claiming he’s too old is pathetic. I commented above on what my Dh does while I’m on mat leave with our 3rd, we are both 40 next year. Similarly all of our friends. Anyway just ignore what comes out of his mouth, it’s all just hot air arranged into whatever words he thinks will get you to do everything for him and bub and leave him alone. he doesn’t care what the words are, just that he doesn’t have to do anything for his child.

OP - get rid of the useless twat.

You can claim UC - they Will also help with childcare.

This is definitely not normal. There's no point in me echoing what others have said but seriously, you and most importantly your child deserve much better than this. Do you really want to bring your child up with a father that clearly wants as little to do with them as possible?

He's talking cobblers. The average age for fathers when a baby is born is more than 33. That's all births, not just first children. He's had two at far younger than that.
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/bulletins/birthcharacteristicsinenglandandwales/2020

His excuses are ridiculous. My DH was 50s when DD was born and is now 60s with a primary aged child. No, he isn't going to win the father's race at sports day but he's perfectly capable of looking after her full time!

Even if your mum did more of the chores did your dad play with you, interact with you etc? He was presumably doing the same job but it doesn't sound as if he was completely detached.

I would focus more on that aspect when discussing with your parents as they might say you are expecting too much for him to do all the laundry for example (I don't think you are) if that is not how their relationship works they might not understand. He isn't interacting with your son at all an what sort of example is that setting for your son's future relationships? In the future maybe you will meet someone else who will be a father figure for your ds but you want to make sure he is setting the right example for him.

My little boy is 14 months I'm still on maternity leave but will be returning to work for 2 days shortly.

My DP works mon-fri but when he gets in he is pleased to see us spends an hour playing with DS before he has to go to bed

At the weekend we share the feeding and changing and spend days together as a family

I realise that this makes me very lucky and I'm very grateful to my DP for working so hard and being so considerate when he's at home

I don't think I would be able to cope if I didn't have his support and get some time to myself

Your partner sounds hard work and his behaviour is unacceptable not to mention so sad he's missing out on so much with your DS

I'm not sure what the answer is but your definitely deserve better

You sound like an excellent team and your little boy is so lucky to have you both!
I'm definitely taking all these comments on board to work out my next step. Thankyou

Thank you to everyone that's commented advice on this thread, definitely taken all on board.

Pic of the amazing boy he's going to miss out on😌