Am i expecting too much from my working partner as a stay at home mum?

[AlishaLouise]

Hi,
Was wondering if anyone could give there opinion on this. I'm a stay at home mum to my son who is nearly 10 months old and my partner works Mon-Fri.

There is a never ending conflict between us as he believes he shouldn't have to do anything for our son or for me because he is the parent that goes to work and financially supports us.
He never wants to go on days out with us on the weekend as he says they are his days off to relax. Meaning he would just sleep all day and go on his phone if it was up to him. He also goes straight to sleep when he is home from work. Is this normal?

If i ask him to do something ie give baby dinner most of the time he will do it but he will complain about it. This is the case with pretty much everything i ask him to do, and in my opinion asking him to feed/ bath or watch his child isn't asking too much as i do literally everything else.

I've tried to express to him how down it makes me that he has no interest in me or our son and how my life isn't easy like he thinks it is but he just doesn't care

It's put a huge strain on our relationship and i feel like im just living with a stranger, and being with him is just starting to make me feel depressed because of how negative he is. I'm starting to feel like i can't ask him to do anything because of the comments he makes just gets me down.

Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice on how what to do and how to go about it?

He's an absolute joke. Weekends are for both of you to relax. Early mornings and evenings.. both of you should do stuff

@AlishaLouise omg what an absolute cutie your little man is what a lovely photo

Thank you🥰

Oh dear. So he only parents his other child once every two weeks, you had an early warning right there.

No it's not OK that he's not pulling his weight, that he's trying to stop you going back to work, that he believes that his life shouldn't change a bit. I could go on.

I'll skip to the advice part. File for divorce with 50/50 responsibility. Get a job. Live happily ever after without this walking boil of misogyny. The sooner you do it, the sooner your life will improve.

@AlishaLouise I'm sorry I know I've already said my bit but your situation won't stop playing on my mind

I know it's different but before I met my current DP I was I. A relationship for 10 years no children but it took me stepping outside of it to realise just how bad it was

I strongly believe you and your son deserve so much more (sorry if I'm overstepping) I would be so mortified if my DP did t even acknowledge our child the bond they have now is so precious and made me love my partner so much more

I just want you to know that it will be scary parenting alone but I'm sure you will feel a sense of relief when you don't have all the other worries on your shoulder

Don't apologise i appreciate the advice and support.. I'm really glad i came on here and heard what everyone has had to say about their own situations because it's just what i needed to hear. I felt brainwashed by him and had no idea what was actually normal/ acceptable as a parent & partner but it's made me feel better knowing it isn't me, it's him!

He would definitely keep us entertained when my mum was cooking dinner and things like that so i get what you mean!
My partner will (reluctantly) do this also if i ask him multiple times and listen to him complain for 5 mins, so it just seems i'd rather juggle things myself than asking him cos it just makes me sad he thinks looking after his son is a burden.
I hate the idea of being a burden to my parents whilst i get back on my feet but i know they will do anything to help so i feel grateful for that and will talk to them sooner rather than later.

I was in this EXACT position. When DS was 2, I packed all his shit in bin bags and chucked him out 👋

*not DS- my ex “D”P!

😂😂

My ex would help with housework, but always made me feel as if he didn’t want to be with me or the kids. He’d prefer to go out with friends, or cycling etc than have family time together. He argued that it was just stress from work.
He finally decided that he’d prefer to live with someone else, with no children. His house is tidy and he sees his children when it suits HIM to do so.
I was from a large family, and knew that I wanted to have one of his own. He was from a small that THOUGHT that he’d like to have a large one. But he actually didn’t want that at all. It’s sad, but sometimes people are just not compatible.

Best advice I can give, is to try to talk to him about it. If he wants your relationship to work, then something needs to change. Make time for each other. Get a babysitter and have date nights/ start a hobby that you can do together, when your LO is in bed. Sometimes, men can feel pushed out and less important once their partner has a baby. Let him know that you still love him, and both of you need him.

So if you worked full time he'd be ok with you doing nothing with your son, no housework, napping and playing on your phone all the time would he? I think not!
Not that you'd do that if you did work full time. Its just one of his many excuses. He is a lazy manchild and probably a misogynist who thinks child and house work are 'womens work'.

As for being too old at 27 that's laughable! Just another excuse not to have to do anything. My partner is 46 and we have a very active 2 year old and he does lots with her like a father should.

Please end the relationship. You and your son deserve so much better than this waste of space who adds nothing to your lives.

He sounds awful. You don't get time off when you are a parent of under 5s. Work is the change that is as good as a rest. The minute you get home you had better be ready to take the child that your partner has been dealing with since 6am!

I haven't read the whole thread but I have skim read your comments OP.

Wow, just wow. I'm so glad you're seeing sense from this post!

And just to add my voice to some of the topics.
My DH is a firefighter- he does 2 day shifts and 2 night shifts. Between the 2 night shifts and the day after them, he parents our toddler/does chores so I can work and sometimes picks up the other 2 from school (he'll be looking after all 3 of them in school hols!). He might have a snooze on the sofa once I'm off work early afternoon but that's only if he's been out all night on a shout.

So unless your DP has something medically wrong with him, there should be no reason that he's that tired from work!

And as for being old. My DH is 42!
Also a teacher who taught me back in the day, got married in later life (late 50s?) and they then went on to have twins. He took early retirement to be a SAHP as his wife was younger and had more working years left. He now has 2 teenagers and seeing him on SM, you would not think he's in his early 70s!....so age has nothing to do with anything!

I hope you get the support you need from family and friends to be able to leave. Sounds like it'll be good riddance if he's threatening to never come back if you throw him out!

This. This is not how families work in 2022. He won’t beleive you, because he doesn’t think you are really a person the same way he is. He will have to be shown that if he won’t put the effort into having a family, he doesn’t get to have a family. If he won’t respect his wife and son as people with valid rights to their own free time and to his as a husband and father, and your right to choose to work, he doesn’t deserve to have a wife and son. He’s a misogynist dinosaur, and they should not be allowed to go on being misogynist dinosaurs without accepting the consequences. Which is that women in general, and you particular, neither need nor want his 1950s view of how a family should function or what a woman should do with her life. Sorry OP, but the sooner you get out the better. He won’t change.

Only had time to skim through, but another vote for reading "fair play" and I'd also recommend reading "The organised mum method" and her other book "The organised time technique".

I work part time. The way we treat it is that I do everything that can be done during DH working hours, so all cleaning, shopping (online ordering), meal planning, cooking, DDs school admin, healthcare, SALT, dog and a bit of DIY. Then when DH is not working we share the stuff that can only be done then (bedtime, childcare, weekend meals etc). When I work DH takes care of DD & dog and has his own cleaning and washing to do.

The aim being that we can both, together and separately, enjoy the weekend and evenings, after DD has gone to bed, without any chores.

The expectation for what I could reasonably achieve in the day has changed over time, dependent on DDs sleep, naps, illness and now playgroup/preschool attendance.

Basically, your partner is being a dick.

This is absolutely NOT normal and he is gaslighting you to believing it is because he is LAZY AF.
im actually in complete shock that your parents are allowing him to act like this in their home and I’m in shock that he dares act like this in their home.
Plenty of dads work full time and they still come home, play with their kids, do housework for the house they live in, clean up the mess they make, make their own lunches like big boys.
your partner is not a partner he is a burden, you won’t realise how depressed he is making you until you Chuck him out and feel how much weight is lifted from your shoulders.
telling you he won’t see his son is just another control tactic so you won’t kick him out, he’s literally saying it to scare you. I would call his bluff and ask him to leave.
if your mum and dad have the same dynamic where she is the person who does all domestic chores then they probably aren’t the best people to speak to about this.
But just so you know you do not need a reason to want to split up, all you have to say is you do not want to be with him and that you’re incompatible. Which you are.
he will pull out all the stops once he realises you’re serious but you need to not fall for it because I promise you there are better men out there.
im 3 years down the line from becoming a single mum to 3 kids, I can honestly say it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, I was miserable with my ex, I was acting like a single mum even though he was there living with us, he could have contributed to the housework and childcare at any point but actively chose not to because he was lazy, once he left I felt like a new person, you can do this too, it will be hard but it will be amazing eventually.

I’ve heard this before and I don’t think it’s normal.

To put into perspective, I gave up work at the start of the year and DP now works full time. He finishes at 6, comes home and plays with our 2.5 year old until bath time around 7, which he does, and I then put him to bed.

On at least one of his days off we go out or stay home as a family.

Prior to this we both worked part time and were completely 50/50, looking after our son on alternate days.

Give him my email, I'll explain to him that I do it and most men I know with children do it. I'll even video a message to him if he doesn't believe it. You're both entitled to equal leisure time, that's the fundamental principle of co-parenting

Another vote for LAZY AF.
OP, he doesn't have an iron deficiency. People suffering from medical fatigue do not just say 'I can't be arsed' when this stops them from being able to do things. I suspect they don't view making a sandwich for themselves as more work than a huge tantrum at their girlfriend to do it for them. And I'm pretty sure they don't spend every Saturday playing football.

Your partner's only affliction is that he is a lazy tosser who cannot be bothered and the only cure is that you need to get rid of him.

OMG kick him to the kerb!! That's not a father; that's not how a father behaves! What do your parents think about his behaviour? I've daughters of 25 and 23 and I would do time for some ars£hole who treated either of them like that!!

Hopefully your parents can support you - and don't let this waste of space leech off them any more. He's selfish and useless and the longer you are with him, the more he will break you. Best wishes xx

Give him my email, I’ll send a daily email of what my husband who works hard full time in construction does. I gave him the baby at 5:30 this morning to settle before he left and went back to bed!

To change her nappy as well as settle her just to be clear.

Op, did he sort his own dinner yesterday? Leave him to it, like you said

OP, you say "partner"--am I to assume you are not married?

As an unmarried stay at home mother, you are in a financially vulnerable position.

I strongly advise you to start looking into daycare and getting back to work. And I would mentally prepare for being a single parent; I hate to say this, but you will almost certainly end up as one.

He sounds beyond pathetic.

"27" and "too old....?" "Iron deficiency" ?Jesus H Christ.

It's funny how women nearly always seem to find the time and energy to take care of their children, whether they have a child at 15 or 45, whether they have an iron deficiency, whether they are ill or have just had major surgery et. etc etc.....