Am i expecting too much from my working partner as a stay at home mum?

[AlishaLouise]

Hi,
Was wondering if anyone could give there opinion on this. I'm a stay at home mum to my son who is nearly 10 months old and my partner works Mon-Fri.

There is a never ending conflict between us as he believes he shouldn't have to do anything for our son or for me because he is the parent that goes to work and financially supports us.
He never wants to go on days out with us on the weekend as he says they are his days off to relax. Meaning he would just sleep all day and go on his phone if it was up to him. He also goes straight to sleep when he is home from work. Is this normal?

If i ask him to do something ie give baby dinner most of the time he will do it but he will complain about it. This is the case with pretty much everything i ask him to do, and in my opinion asking him to feed/ bath or watch his child isn't asking too much as i do literally everything else.

I've tried to express to him how down it makes me that he has no interest in me or our son and how my life isn't easy like he thinks it is but he just doesn't care

It's put a huge strain on our relationship and i feel like im just living with a stranger, and being with him is just starting to make me feel depressed because of how negative he is. I'm starting to feel like i can't ask him to do anything because of the comments he makes just gets me down.

Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice on how what to do and how to go about it?

This. Only I got myself a job, found a flat, took ds and left.

My ex seemed to think because we had a child together, he had also acquired a life-long unpaid house elf, while he carried on playing tennis, reading the paper and going to the pub with his mates. It was telling that when we left, 2yo ds didn't notice his dad wasn't there any more.

Kick him out OP, your life will be instantly better. He won't be any loss at all. He can't be bothered with his own child, doesn't help at all and is making you unhappy. What does he contribute?

He is literally taking the piss, get rid of him, he offers nothing to the relationship.

No he sounds lazy, does he know that it's not the 1950's ? has he ever had a full day on his own with his child? I would definitely be arranging a spa day for myself and then afterwards have a conversation with him about his experience of the full day with his child whilst acknowledging how demanding it can be also emphasised the joy and fun of bonding and making memories he's missing out on, he needs to understand that although these times are draining they are not forever and when there gone there gone.
A conversation with him about splitting some of the household chores and hopefully being able to building in some family/daddy time for him is needed if he ignores you then you need a reassessment of your marriage.

Did someone suggest an iron deficiency? I’m anaemic post birth. iron levels 10 in a recent blood test. I do get very tired. But I changed the baby, fed the baby and changed the baby wt midnight, fed the baby again at 3am and 5am. I got two older children up and out the door to childcare and basketball training and have since done 10,000 little chores - bathed baby, washed car seat, scrubbed pooey clothes, emptied dishwasher etc you all know the drill. There are no excuses unless someone is going to suggest maybe he’s just had a couple of limbs amputated and the op hasn’t noticed?

I was in exactly same position when mine were younger, before I went back to work and even when I worked 12 hour night shifts he’d claim his job was more physical so he didn’t help at all, I’d still do both school runs, he was asleep constantly when I was awake yet always on his phone or PS, he’d cancel coming on days out, even on days due to go on holiday he’d say I’m not coming, he’d act as if being a parent was a chore and show lack of affection, even on a few hours sleep a night, I’d still do all the housework and interact fully with them.

We did marriage counselling the counsellor told him he was selfish and he still didn’t care.
i realised he didn’t value me as a mother or a partner so I told him to leave, best thing I ever did.

Looking back, I now know he was depressed and didn’t know how to parent because his parents treated him the same, he had control and anger issues and the depression made him sleep all the time.

the biggest questions I asked myself after I’d tried counselling was, will he ever change, will I regret this when my kids were older and moved out.

I made my decision off those, I’ve been single 3 years and me and my kids are happier, my sons behaviour changed in a few months, he became so cuddly and loveable, he knew how to express himself emotionally and his behaviour at school improved, these things I never even noticed because I was constantly treading on egg shells at home trying to be the perfect wife when realistically whatever I did would never be good enough.

This is completely unacceptable. Why did he agree to have a child if he doesn’t want to spend any time with him. You should absolutely not be making his food or washing his clothes or looking after him in anyway, looking after a baby is much more intense than going to work. How pathetic that he says he will just go hungry, is he not embarrassed to be behaving like an incapable child? He clearly has no respect for you, why is it ok for your entire life to be turned upside down by a baby but everything gets to stay the same for him. Something major needs to change or it’s time to get rid.
They have found that being a stay at home mum is the equivalent of working 2.5 full time jobs. When do you get your time to rest? Perhaps he needs to spend a solid 24 hours with the baby to understand just how much work it actually is. I recently went back to work after a year at home with my baby and I can tell you now, work is a lot easier and I used to think my job was very intense.

I’ve actually reactivate my account I haven’t used in over 4 years to reply to this….

whilst the iron deficiency or depression may be an option it’s the vile attitude that’s bothered me so much

my fiancé works full time, he did have the odd moan at the start but nothing at all like what you are describing, especially after he had some time off whilst I recovered from an op and he had to do everything that involved medium to heavy lifting (I couldn’t even pick up our 5 month old or pull a hoover) or being on the floor ie nappies. He’s soon realised just how much I do (not that he ever said otherwise I think he just wanted more free time but realised quickly I don’t get it either)

my fiancé also has another child who he sees a minimum of twice a week. I’m never expected to do anything involving his child I obviously wash his clothes and cook his meals whilst doing it for the rest of the family but I’m not expected to watch him alone or anything like that

I honestly think this man is a manipulative emotionally abusive twat. He’s saying he’s too “old” because it’s something he has over you. He’s knows you are younger and he can say “well you wouldn’t know” it’s an excuse, he’s looking for anything he has over you and can use which is also exactly why I presume he isn’t interested in you going back to work because he will also lose that leverage also. My fiancé is 33 and says the only thing he’s getting too old for is major hangovers! Even that I think he’s joking and it’s more so because he doesn’t drink much and as a parent you still have to get up and on with it.

honestly look into universal credit. You will get the element for yourself and child one for your baby. They won’t make you look for work yet whilst you baby is so young and when you do you can claim back childcare fees I believe up to 80%. If you are wanting to work straight away they can help you. You could potentially get housing cost also to get your own place if needed. Look on an entitlement calculator and see if there’s anything else you can get. You would get help with prescriptions if not they would be free even after your babies 1 if you are on uc.

with regards to him threatening to not see the child my fiancés ex agreed to a change of day then last minute kicks off saying she won’t allow him to see his son ever again and within a day she’s asking him to have him extra times then is even originally planned so he’s either bullshitting or even if he’s not think of it this way. Imagine you have a friend and they point blank don’t want to see you and make that obvious…. Why would you want to hang out with them? You don’t right? Their loss and that’s a friends I think this being a “father” is so much worse because he should really want to and have that unbreakable bond so if that’s not there whilst that’s awful it’s dads loss not your child’s.

This might not be relevant or even crossing your mind just yet but say you do leave and move on you could find the best step dad to your child ever. I have a friend who met a man when her child was around the same age after her sons father was as useful as yours sounds and her new partner is just that a PARTNER he is the most wonderful parent to that little boy and helps around the house so much, works full time, they go on days out all the time and they’ve all never been happier. So don’t think you will be alone forever or he will miss out on a father figure.

if you aren’t ready to leave yet go through your day and everything you do, think would you have to do it or would it take as long if you had left him. By that I mean when you are washing the pots there would be less there without your partner and his other child (not that the child’s done any thing wrong but it’s something to factor in) they’d be less cooking, less cleaning, less washing etc you wouldn’t have to do jobs like making his pack up like his mother. Your life would probably be so much easier. It’s not like he’s helping anyway! Or even one day literally don’t do anything he’s caused ie his pots, his washing, his cooking and you’ll soon see how much easier it is or when you see what’s not been done you’ll realise how much you do in a day that you wouldn’t have to if you leave.

I would honestly be going to an advice place to find out legally what help you could get but I would look into entiledto calculator online and get rid. Don’t let yourself need him because he’s thriving on that and you are more than capable alone, it’s him that will be drowning when he hasn’t got you. Not to quote little mix but he’s the man be you’ve got the power here. He doesn’t do ANYTHING for himself. You can look after the house l, you can be a fantastic mother and you can and have worked in the past. You’ve got this he’s the man child that can’t do anything. I was really hoping to see a post from you saying you’ve left him. You deserve so so so much better

happy to help in anyway I can, I’m 23 so not far off your age and I can’t believe you are doing this all alone❤️

I am so sad to read your post OP you’re LB is beautiful. I’m 30 this year and my DH is 34 he works 4-5 12hr nightshifts a week and still makes time for his son who is 4mths in fact he’s the first person he goes to when he comes back, he can never wait to come home and see him. He does everything I don’t do, so if I don’t have time to hoover he’ll hoover he makes the dinner when he’s off dishes cleaning garden etc. He looks after our LB while I organise myself and the house in the morning before he goes to sleep (this bit is a massive help and he knows it)
This “man” that you have there is no man and I would kick is a* out everyone is correct, check what you are eligible for on UC and be done with him that is not how a loving couple who respect each other and their family behave
Good Luck to you and your son wishing you the best and stay safe in this heat

Thank you so much for your kind words & advice! Really appreciate everyone on this thread :)

Lazy and selfish. Only thinking about himself. The bitterness and resentment will only build up massively over the years. Get rid now so child will only ever know his dad living elsewhere. More traumatic when they are teenagers believe me. I was fed up doing every lift every meal whilst he disappeared enjoying himself. Easier alone as there is no expectation that anyone else will help

Hi @AlishaLouise
Im so invested in this I’ve actually made an account to reply, just wondering if you have an update as this situation is worrying, the behaviour you are describing is not only wrong it’s emotional abuse. It’s classed as Domestic abuse. You are being gaslighted, put down, blackmailed, controlled financially, prevented from working, prevented from having any free time, your child’s emotional needs are not being met by his father, this would have a damaging effect as he gets older.
You sound like a really strong lady from your replies, from experience it takes a lot to make the decision to be alone, but it’s 100% easier to be a single mother than to be a single mother & deal with what you are going through.
I wouldn’t worry about your finances, that is the only hold this waste of skin has over you, check online on a benefits checker, you may be surprised as to what you would be entitled to receive, you can work towards employment later.
You may actually fine you have more money to spend on your child & yourself as I can imagine anything spare after the bills/basics isn’t yours to spend as you please from what you’ve described.

I hope you manage to sort everything out & wish happiness to you & your son xx

Hi thank you for your message. I never expected so many people to see this thread and took a few days to process everything i had read on here.

I spoke to him about how I was feeling and at first he was just saying the usual things making out i had my expectations too high & was unreasonable. But after a while he started to realise that he is in the wrong and i do need more support from him around the house and with DS. He has made more of an effort since but of course that doesn't excuse his actions.

I haven't forgotten everything that's happened and haven't made a decision if i'm going to stay with him i've had to just put it on hold until i can speak to my parents, who are currently out of the country.

I'm not going to get my hopes up as i know men like him won't ever change and i need to do what's best for my son, just didn't want to make any rational decisions until my parents were back.

Again thank you for the support!

He has another child? But doesn’t he just do nothing at the weekend? why did you have a child with someone that failed his first?