Just slapped my daughter across the face..

[emilytankengine]

..and I feel like the worlds worst mother. I just completely lost it with her because to be honest she's been a complete bitch for a few months now (she's 11 so probably teenage hormones).

But before we had a huge row over her treatment of her younger sister and she spat at me and shoved 2 fingers up to me . I know I was wrong to hit her but really don't see why I should put up with being spat at.

She has been awful towards her sister in particular. DD2 was diagnosed diabetic a few months ago and things have been hard enough for her without DD1 upsetting her as this affects her blood sugar levels and it's me who has to deal with that. I don't understand why she is so spiteful given what DD2 has to go through, she doesn't know she is born.

DD1 is in her bedroom banging round while DS (aged 2) is in bed! I'll be so if she wakes him!

At the end of my tether tonight

Go and apologise. Make the first step as an adult and she may calm down and apologise herself.

Hitting the face is completely not on, at all. You owe her an apology and in future count to 10 and think of taking time out before confronting her. There really is no excuse for hitting anyone in the face.

With a 2 year old brother and a little sister who has taken a lot of your attention because of her illness and with your dd1 being at a difficult age my guess is that she feels a bit neglected. I would apologize to her and try to spend some quality time with her to get to the bottom of her feelings.

maybe she's jealous of the time and attention that her sister is getting from you because of the diabetes?

I think you know that hitting her was a BAD thing. You should apologise to her for that , but she's old enough to be able to understand an explanation of why you flipped.

I would then make sure that she gets some special time with you on a regular basis; shopping, a film, whatever, that is not dependent on how she treats her sister.

Agree with Rhubarb and you should apologise. try and talk to her about why it happened.

Is she feeling like her sister is getting all the attention now? Obviously, your dd2 isn't enjoying having diabetes but from her sister's perspective she may be getting 'special' treatment to try and make up for it. She's 11, which is close enough to teenage to warrant self-obsession, I would have thought.

Good luck. But please, don't hit her again.

agree with the other posters. Slapping around the face isn't on, so humiliating for some reason (and painful). I am not being judgey judgey but it is true.

She shouldn't spit at you and give you the v, of course not. But she is probably feeling frustrated. 11 is such a funny age for girls (my dd is 12) - they are not quite teenagers yet, everything is changing and it's hard. I found that in the last year my dd has needed more emotional support and advice/help than ever before.

Please try and take her out on her own and have a chat about how she is feeling, what school is like etc. Try and have some one to one time. I am notsaying you have neglected her, but she is probably easier to leave to her own devices than your diabetic dd and your toddler. But try and imagine that she feels left out and possibly disregarded.

you are very much in the wrong.. but i expect you know that or you wouldnt have posted. perhaps you need to think about how you are going to behave towards her in future, next time she is being rude and difficult and stroppy..... because one thing is certain, there will be a next time. she's only 11, a child not a teenager. i cannot imagine calling my own child a "bitch". no wonder she feels angry and difficult. you should apologise imo.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I too have a 11 year who has 3 younger sisters, she can be do angry sometimes. While I don't hit as a rule, believe me some days I would love to smack her hard across the face, but thats not gonna solve anything only make me feel worse.

What we are doing with our dd is havng a calm talk with her, what I find is (aswell as hormones) but she gets angry about the smallest things and it builds to an explosion.

So now (hard as it is) she is going to spend some time writing how she is feeling whats annoying her ect. and we will go through it togethter to try and limit the angry outbursts. I am too trying to do the same, saves alot of fighting.

I do understand its hard to walk away from it when you have younger kids to look after. But sometimes if she gets too bad I take the small ones with me and leave the house (If its not at bedtime) this way the situation is diffused.

Alot of the time my daughter just needs to talk and express her anger but does not how to do it in a positve way. Also she uses negative behavior to let me know she is not happy. So I am trying to teach her that I will lsiten more if she goes about dealing with things in a positive manner.

It must be hard for them becoming a teenager, but that is no exccuse to be spat at. When things calm down , explain that this is not of, and try to talk about things.

I know its easier said than done believe me I hqve to work on it everyday. Don't think its just your daughter but it takes effort of you both to deal with this.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I too have a 11 year who has 3 younger sisters, she can be do angry sometimes. While I don't hit as a rule, believe me some days I would love to smack her hard across the face, but thats not gonna solve anything only make me feel worse.

What we are doing with our dd is havng a calm talk with her, what I find is (aswell as hormones) but she gets angry about the smallest things and it builds to an explosion.

So now (hard as it is) she is going to spend some time writing how she is feeling whats annoying her ect. and we will go through it togethter to try and limit the angry outbursts. I am too trying to do the same, saves alot of fighting.

I do understand its hard to walk away from it when you have younger kids to look after. But sometimes if she gets too bad I take the small ones with me and leave the house (If its not at bedtime) this way the situation is diffused.

Alot of the time my daughter just needs to talk and express her anger but does not how to do it in a positve way. Also she uses negative behavior to let me know she is not happy. So I am trying to teach her that I will lsiten more if she goes about dealing with things in a positive manner.

It must be hard for them becoming a teenager, but that is no exccuse to be spat at. When things calm down , explain that this is not of, and try to talk about things.

I know its easier said than done believe me I hqve to work on it everyday. Don't think its just your daughter but it takes effort of you both to deal with this.

I know you don't need anyone to tell you you were wrong and after the night I have had I can totally understand why you snapped.

Take care.

I know I was totally wrong to hit her. I've never even smacked her bottom before today not ever

good! what made you snap tonight? was it the stress of all you have on your plate or her behaviour do you think??
do you think parentline may help? they offer phone support to parents wh are finding things (particularly) hard.

It was the spitting that made me snap. Sticking up 2 fingers was appalling but I could have lived with that. Swearing at me I've had several times before. But I draw the line at spitting. It's disgusting and I felt degraded.

I'm still shaking and feel very ashamed. But I'm still furious with her for spitting. How have things got so bad?

she seems so angry, As angry as you were when yu smacked her. She needs to talk her anger through, help her instead of rejecting her you will be a better woman for it. It must be horrible for her to feel like that all the time, maybe she does not understand to how to deal with it and unless you teach her its just gonna escalate!

All I can say is I can symathise fully & try not to beat yourself up abt what's done. Spk to her now so you don't both sleep on it x

I'd be seriously pissed off if anyone spat at me, even if it was one of my kids. So i guess i can understand why you lost it. But i'm not gonna give a sermon as you know you shouldn't have hit her.

You know the diabetes thing really may be an issue here...

In my family i was the one who had diabetes. A lot of people used to fuss over me for it (which had its minuses as well as it's pluses) and i guess i got a fair bit of attention for it. I have 2 older brothers. Well the middle brother used to say that when we were kids he used to wish he'd get diabetes cos then someone might have noticed he existed

I think you have a lot on your plate. I mean toddlers are a lot of work too aren't they

my mum slapped me round the face when i was around 11. i have never forgotten it.

say sorry. you sound really really stressed, and so will she be and pre-pubescent. spend some time with her? she sounds in dire need of attention tbh.

and you sound in need of a hot bath and a glass of wine.

Agree with Sophable.

I've never forgotten the one and only time my mum smacked me around the face.

We all know it's wrong to slap anyone but kids today...how many of us would have got away with that behaviour to our own parents? We knew they would punish us for it, and in most cases that would involve slapping, so we didn't do it. How the hell do you control a teenager who wants to indulge in this behaviour? I've two teenage daughters, who've both been treated exactly the same, one behaved like yours for three years, and has now left home, the other never has and never would, so I can't see how it's always the fault of the parents (which is often hinted at)

You have all my sympathy and I only wish I could tell you some magic way of making it all right, but I can't. However even if you feel it was wrong to slap her, for goodness sake don't turn it into a reward instead. What is the world coming to when a child spits at you and sticks two fingers up and the only response society will allow is extra one on one, more attention, more treats? It all makes me feel very very

Me neither.

It was with a fucking warm fish slice she had just used to flip bacon with in the pan!!

anorak there are a billion reasons why two children from the same home are (always) treated differently.

it's not about 'fault' but parents and LIFE shape children. your 'difficult' daughter may have experienced you and life very very differently from the other, and in fact both you and life will have been different.

violence is not an answer. there but for the grace, massively, but it is not right ever.

No answer, having a very hormonal 10.9 year old I know exactly how it can get to slapping point. Not done it yet. But please just say sorry and don't brood on it too much. I remember my mum slapping me across the face as well but I didn't grow up hating her.

Think it's good if, as suggested, you can get her to write down why she's angry. Big If though.

Actually, my mother would have gone spare too. She was very short-tempered and could hurl me from one end of the room to the other. I grew up with no respect for her and very angry and resentful.

I was also very ignored. The 5th of 6 children and a hoard of foster children she took on board. These children always always got more attention than me because they came from poorer backgrounds. I was the invisible one. My problems didn't matter.

Anorak, my dd is a completely different child to my ds. Some of that is just life, I was a sahm with dd and I'm a working mum with ds. But it is also personality, he is much more hard work, more stubborn, louder, confident etc.

Of course the rules change as you have different expectations of your children, for instance I expect dd to be good and quiet because that is who she is, so it often seems as though ds gets away with more.

I now work with difficult and misbehaved teenagers and the one thing that comes through time and time again is the complete lack of respect they have for adults, because they are given none at home. They have no consistency, no rules, they are often ignored due to divorce or other siblings and so their behaviour is attention-seeking. Most of these problems could be solved by consistency, fairness and respect.

I know some people will slate me for saying this but for a few months she really has behaved like a complete bitch. She's always been a bit of a handful and fiesty but lately I have started to feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.

She has definitely got worse since DD2's diagnosis and has been very moody towards me ever since. Diabetes has affected our whole family but if I so much as mention it, either to her or to DD2 or anyone else for that matter in earshot of her she walks off in a huff. It's like she's jealous! If it was me I'd be thanking my lucky stars I wasn;t the diabetic one.

I agree it's totally wrong for a mum to slap a child around the face and YET, if my 11 year old DS SPAT at me I can;t swear I wouldn't do the same thing. You REALLY need to clamp down on being spat at. What on earth will be next?

Yes, sit down and talk to your DD sympathetically about why she is so angry but make it absolutely clear that there is to NEVER be a repeat of her behaviour.

Do you have a partner to back you up here?