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Original poster

Just slapped my daughter across the face..

102 replies

emilytankengine · 16/01/2008 20:51

..and I feel like the worlds worst mother. I just completely lost it with her because to be honest she's been a complete bitch for a few months now (she's 11 so probably teenage hormones).

But before we had a huge row over her treatment of her younger sister and she spat at me and shoved 2 fingers up to me . I know I was wrong to hit her but really don't see why I should put up with being spat at.

She has been awful towards her sister in particular. DD2 was diagnosed diabetic a few months ago and things have been hard enough for her without DD1 upsetting her as this affects her blood sugar levels and it's me who has to deal with that. I don't understand why she is so spiteful given what DD2 has to go through, she doesn't know she is born.

DD1 is in her bedroom banging round while DS (aged 2) is in bed! I'll be so if she wakes him!

At the end of my tether tonight

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Rhubarb · 16/01/2008 21:59

Do you call her a bitch on a regular occasion? Do you remind her of how lucky she is? She is not you, just because you would do such and such does not mean that she should do that or behave like that.

controlfreakyhunnibabe · 16/01/2008 22:02

do you really think of her in those terms? do you call her a bitch?

Original poster
emilytankengine · 16/01/2008 22:04

Yes Janni but he works away Monday to Friday. He is better with her than I am but even he loses his cool at times. She has always been daddy's girl.

His way of dealing with DD2's diabetes has been to spoil her in the way of material gifts. I have told him off for this but he says it isn't fair that she has to get shots and fingerpokes so he's compensating I think. I know this has annoyed DD1 and I have told him he is unfair here

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stickyj · 16/01/2008 22:05

You are normal, angry and pissed off. \I would never have done that to my mother but in this "nanny" state we are made to feel guilty about stuff that in the olden days we wouldn't have batted an eyelid at. My parents weren't "abused" kids just told their boundaries.SO was I. Kids today, including mine who can be totally horrible, assume it's their right to have rights and be precious. They have to accept that some stuff is right/wrong and that they are kids, until the day they walk out the door and earn their own living.

I would hug her and tell her that what she did was wrong, and that you had had a really shit day and MAYBE, JUST ONLY MAYBE over-reacted a bit. I certainly wouldn't grovel and make yourself look desperately sorry, 'cos you know what, she'll be telling all her friends what you did and making her out to be the hero at school. Apologise and walk away, make her come to you and say sorry too, then you can have a girly fest and be buddies.

emkana · 16/01/2008 22:06

She's only 11 you can't expect her to think that way all the time. Honestly what I think she needs from you is some TLC and attention.

Original poster
emilytankengine · 16/01/2008 22:07

I would never call her a bitch. I am not calling her a bitch now. I am saying she is behaving like one. And no I wouldn't even say that too her. I haven't even sworn at her

OP posts:
controlfreakyhunnibabe · 16/01/2008 22:07

i'm picturing you with your fingers in ears going lalalalalalala....
you've called her a bitch in 2 seperate posts on this thread....

Rhubarb · 16/01/2008 22:07

Your dd1 feels pushed out. It's not her fault that her sister has diabetes. She's going through a rough time hormonely, she was previously daddy's princess and is now demoted to Cinderella. She probably feels threatened and ignored.

She needs a bit of tlc herself. Reminding that mum and dad still love her very much. She needs to spend time with you.

This isn't about punishing bad behaviour, but understanding why that behaviour is happening and stopping it at the core. She sounds very angry and unhappy and you sounded distant and angry and resentful back.

liath · 16/01/2008 22:09

An 11 year old isn't going to react logically to a sibling's illness. I think the diabetes could be a big factor - she isn't mature enough to realise the implications for her sister but will feel resentful of all the attention it gets her.

You don't sound like you like her very much at the moment - not surprising if she spits at you - but it's going to lead to an awful downward spiral.

controlfreakyhunnibabe · 16/01/2008 22:10

sorry. xposts.
your op did say "she's been a complete bitch for a few months now".
to think about her in that way suggests to me you are both v angry....
comunication seems to have flown out the window.

Janni · 16/01/2008 22:10

Hmmm that's a tricky one, emily. We have a DD with cystic fibrosis so I know it's easy to fall in to the trap of feeling sorry for them..But it does ABSOLUTELY no favours and can really set up resentments among siblings.

Is there any psychological support available in your area for families with a diabetic child?.

We regularly see a psychologist when we go for hospital appointments and they are just as concerned to know how our two sons are doingas they are about our DD who is their patient.

If your DH must give gifts etc on returning at w/ends it is VITAL he treats the children equally.

Greensleeves · 16/01/2008 22:10

You've hit a child in the face emily,. surely you can understand that that's emotive for some people? That's why people are being critical.

I think you should apologise, properly and without any 'but you....' clause. Nothing justifies hitting her like that.

Do you get any time to yourself, any breaks from the children? It sounds very stressful - a stroppy 11yo, a recently diagnosed diabetic child AND a 2yo. You must be frazzled.

spicemonster · 16/01/2008 22:10

I can understand why you did it - spitting is absolutely horrible. But her dad buying her sister gifts? No, no, no. That's really bad. I know it's not your fault but you've got to stop your DH doing that.

Children need things to be fair. And it isn't fair on DD2 that she has diabetes but that doesn't mean she should get material goods as compensation.

Leaving aside how she's behaved, I think she needs some attention. Can you do something just with her? Sounds like she needs to feel special although I appreciate she's probably not your favourite person right now.

Original poster
emilytankengine · 16/01/2008 22:11

I still love her. Things are becoming a little clearer. I have let things get so out of hand

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2008 22:11

emily - i think your positions have become polarised, and it seems that you are probably very alike and neither wants to be seen to 'give in'.

Its tough being 11. Quite a big change happens at this point in life (secondary school etc) without issues at home.

I would imagine her hormones are starting to kick in too, and that can cause HUGE behavioural changes on its own.

She is your daughter. Your baby. You both love each other. Write off the last few months and start from scratch, on an even footing.

Her sister's illness cant have been easy for her to take on board either.

kittywise · 16/01/2008 22:11

poor you {{hugs}}. You're a human being. Maybe it will have shown her that spitting was a bridge too far. I really hope things get better for you.

MrsCarrot · 16/01/2008 22:14

I was slapped round the face and poked in the nose, not sure if she poked me in an attempt to not slap but it was worse, so humiliating. I haven't forgiven my mother really, it's not accepptable in any way and won't help your relationship.

I don't know the answer, I've started a thread myself today about getting in a rage with my six year old daughter but I'm certain there is a better way and you need to find what works for you. People here have very good advice.

NKF · 16/01/2008 22:14

Forgive yourself. Ask her to forgive you. Make it up with her. Give her a cuddle. Draw a line under the last few weeks and go on from there. Go out for the day with just her. Whatever it takes to feel loving and close again. Good luck.

Original poster
emilytankengine · 16/01/2008 22:16

I have just been to her room and told her that I shouldn't have hit her and that I was wrong

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handlemecarefully · 16/01/2008 22:17

Apologise to your dd - you accept it wasn't right to slap her around the face. You were sorely provoked but it was still wrong, as you are aware....

However I don't think she should go without punishment either (not physical chastisement - something more appropriate!)- her behaviour was inexcusable and she needs to be accountable for it - 11 years old or not.

And when the dust has cleared you need to build / mend bridges - it sounds like there is some unhealthy festering resentment here and you need to really understand each other and bond again

handlemecarefully · 16/01/2008 22:17

x posts.

What did she say?

Greensleeves · 16/01/2008 22:19

I disagree HMC, now that the OP has retaliated by hitting her daughter in the face I think it would be hypocritical and unfair to try and impose a punishment calmly. The opportunity to that, and the moral high-ground, have been lost. Unless the OP is going to let her 11yo think of a suitable punishment for her as well - slapping in the face is as bad as, if not worse than spitting IMO.

Original poster
emilytankengine · 16/01/2008 22:21

Well for once she didn't give me a load of abuse. She shrugged. But it's a start

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 16/01/2008 22:21

ummmmmm.....yes I see your point

spicemonster · 16/01/2008 22:23

That's good ete. Sounds like you're all having a pretty rough time. I hope you manage to put this behind you - clean slate - and start again.