Just slapped my daughter across the face..

[emilytankengine]

..and I feel like the worlds worst mother. I just completely lost it with her because to be honest she's been a complete bitch for a few months now (she's 11 so probably teenage hormones).

But before we had a huge row over her treatment of her younger sister and she spat at me and shoved 2 fingers up to me . I know I was wrong to hit her but really don't see why I should put up with being spat at.

She has been awful towards her sister in particular. DD2 was diagnosed diabetic a few months ago and things have been hard enough for her without DD1 upsetting her as this affects her blood sugar levels and it's me who has to deal with that. I don't understand why she is so spiteful given what DD2 has to go through, she doesn't know she is born.

DD1 is in her bedroom banging round while DS (aged 2) is in bed! I'll be so if she wakes him!

At the end of my tether tonight

Emily - from another point of view I think your dh really needs to look hard at how he is treating Danni. Yes she has diabetes and it is a very hard thing to come to terms with.

However he has to look at the long term side of things. She is always going to have diabetes. it is part of her life now.

What sort of woman does your dh want her to grow up into - one who sees it as a burden, who thinks everyone should feel sorry for her and that everyone should always be nice to her - a weak, selfish sort of character. Or does he want someone who is strong, who can say; yes this part of me is a real bugger, but I have to get on with life, be treated equally and be a strong independent woman.

The way to bring her up like that is to be gentle and compassionate with her treatment. Understand what she is going through but do not treat her differently otherwise, not showering with gifts and extra attention. She is not suddenly a poor different little girl because she has this illness, she is still the same child who now has an illness to treat.

I understand it is difficult for all of you and I don't think any family in this world could adapt to something so life changing in a smooth manner. So don't be too hard on yourself or the rest of your family.

Your daughter is very lucky that you are so understanding and accommodating of her feelings. Having a sick sibling is part of life and she needs to learn to deal with it. There are many ways for her to feel valuable and useful in this situation.

My brother was very ill with a diabetes diagnosis when he was four and I was 13. I spent months going straight to the hospital after school, walking two miles there and two miles back, passing my sister on the way back as she walked to take over from me (she was 11) and hold the fort till my dad got there. Our mother was drunk in bed all this time. At no point did I ever spit at my mother or put up two fingers to her, although I'm sure I felt like doing many times. All I wanted was for her to stop doing what she was doing and I would have been happy.

I can see that there was a bigger age gap between us as siblings but my sister and I were close to the age of your daughter.

As for how it all turned out - my mother has been dead for 13 years and my brother and I have a great relationship - he is quite a difficult and troubled person but I am the one person he listens to in all the world.

I don't mean to sound holier-than-thou, I just think many teenagers today are malcontents who turn everything into a negative experience when a little attitude change could turn it into the best it could be. They are tuned in at all times to their rights and expect to take from the world all the time without putting anything in to give them the right.

Their own experience would be so much more rewarding and fulfilling if they could make this simple attitude change.

And don't take this as a criticism of your parenting, I have teenagers myself who suffer from the same debilitating problem. I don't know if anything will ever make them happy.

You know I've been thinking about this all the time I've been out shopping today.

How come these days we think it's absolutely out of order for a parent to slip up in any way, be that a slap, shouting, saying hurtful things etc to a child, yet the child can say and do whatever they want and we feel sorry for her/him and want to give them extra attention and attend to their every need? Suppose emily had spat at and stuck two fingers up at her daughter and then the daughter had slapped emily? Most people I think would have made excuses for the daughter and told emily she should apologise for her outrageous behaviour.

Yet emily has to be responsible for keeping her daughter within reasonable bounds - and society gives her no means by which to do this - we all try to guide our children the correct way and nurture a sense of responsibility in them but if they choose not to adhere to it they don't really have a lot in the way of consequences to worry about, because we parents have so little we can do to enforce anything.

And all these children whose behaviour has no consequences that they can tangibly understand - are they all going to magically change into the kind of adults who wouldn't ever raise a hand in anger to a child, as soon as they reach adulthood?

Sadly I think not. We are raising a generation of people who think the world revolves around them and their precious feelings and expect to have everything handed to them on a plate, right now. Many of them are showing all the characteristics most of us find completely unacceptable in a parent. Watch this space for the next 20 years...

Dont punish yourself, we are parents not saints. we can all sit here saying "Oh how terrible" but you are a mum whos having it hard at the mo, and your dd is obviously feeling it to, so she reacts badly and because you are under stress you lash out. I was hit as a child, more than most, my mum had a hard time! but I,m still here. the worst thing about this is that shes gonna make you pay, shes going to bring this up everytime she wants to sulk n get attention,

Go and tell her you love her, shes your baby and you want to make sure she knows shes as important as everyone else.

good luck,

I've been thinking about this too. My mum was under huge strain when i was diagnosed diabetic, so much so that others say she almost went through a bereavement.

Can i just say something from Danni's point of view? I used to be quite jealous of my older brothers cos they didn't have diabetes. At diagnosis i can't say that i took it badly but i did get lots of attention and at first diabetes was a bit of a novelty for want of a better word. Everyone was constantly telling me how well i was doing, how brave i was etc.

But then reality kicks in. Life goes on, diabetes became as much a part of me as the nose on my face. People stopped going on about it but i still had to get on with it. One of my brothers was great and always looked out for me, didn't have Easter eggs cos i couldn't have any etc. But the other one used to tease me a lot over it and he used to really play my mum up. Now we're adults he says he used to wish he had diabetes cos then people would have known he existed. That makes me really sad.

I think the fact that you're dealing with this now is great Emily, it's save trouble long term.

How old is your younger daughter?

Danni is 9 and Stephi is 11. Paddy when Danni was first diagnosed I too felt that I had to grieve for the healthy daughter I'd lost.

We have had to make lots of changes that Stephi resents. For example none of us have dessert now. How should I deal with that? It seems a little unfair to say to Stephi and Toby here are some sweets but Danni can't have any.

Well things have been calm so far this weekend. DH is home so at least I have had a bit of a break. Stephi has been a little better since our talk. Although sullen I am not getting the same level of cheek today. I feel she is making some effort.

I have noticed today that Stephi has been having some "symptoms" of diabetes herself. But these symtoms miraculously disappear when DH is out of the room!!! Should I ignore it?

I think I would still serve dessert occasionally for the others, and perhaps factor in a small portion for Danni as part of her allowance. Perhaps only once a week or something. Danni has to learn to live with this situation.

Another way to do it is to use sweeteners such as splenda to make your desserts.

Your daughter will be fine. My brother is 37 years old now and still annoying us all!

Is Danni on novorapid and levermir or and other regime of multiple daily injections? If so there's no reason for her to avoid dessert so long as it's accounted for in her insulin doses. I certainly don't avoid dessert every single day!

Emily i don't want to upset you but are you sure Steph is faking these symptoms?

Very interesting Anorak, I do agree with what you are saying. Has your eldest daughter always been difficult or was it a teen thing, out of interest.

Is it acceptable that someone calles her own daughter a BITCH? I think that this language is completely unnaceptable. Maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself - calling your daughter a bitch, in her face or behind her back, is very disrespectful. If you have that attitude with her, no wonder she's causing you trouble.

Hello sandyballs, my eldest daughter caused more trouble to my family than I could ever tell you here, I had numerous threads about it. She is 17 1/2 now and we no longer have contact. She was too damaging to the rest of my family. My other children are fine, one being a normal healthily rebellious teenager. It's too long a story to go into here, thanks for asking.

Blueberrypancake I didn't call her a bitch I said she'd behaved like one. I have admitted that I was wrong as some of the more sympathetic people on this thread have been kind enough to acknowledge. If you knew what I'd been through you would understand why my emotions have been running high.

I,m sorry but Blueberry, we are mothers, there is no handbook, we make mistakes. Emily has explained her position clearly, and spoken honestly abpout her feelings. It is not for you to judge, an offer of guidance or reassurance would be more welcome, glass houses and stones come to mind (that is assuming you are human and falible). May you never have to deal with a child with an illness and the stresses it puts on other members of the family. I'm sure you are the model mother, I'm not I cock up all the time.

Better to be helpful than hurtful.

Thanks Normajean

Paddy - Danni is on 2 injections a day which whilst very restricting is all we can cope with right now. I must admit I am looking forward to to a time when we can get our lives back when she goes onto a different system perhaps.

In town at the weekend I made sure Stephi got treated to a chocolate brownie!

Talking of sugar, I really don't think her symptoms are genuine. They only became extreme whilst DH was around. He fell for it of course and Stephi lapped up the attention. He has just been on the phone asking if I'd taken her to the doctors. Am wondering whether to play along and take her? What does anyone think?

Emily, I haven't had time to read all this thread but just to say that I really feel for you. My eldest drives me to distraction sometimes. It is so hard and you have been really honest.

Hi Emily ... just read your post and I agree with Christie. I'd take her to the doctors and get her checked out. Worst that could happen (which is actually the best) is that she's absolutely fine and it was a waste of time. If you don't take her, she'll feel like you don't believe her.

Personally, I think if I'd been spat at by my daughter, I would've found it extremely hard not to slap her (and I've never hit my dcs, rarely shout). Spitting is so extreme and degrading. Sounds like you're making progress which is great news.

Hi Emily .... I've skimmed this thread and really empathise with you and your family. Our youngest DS was dx with Diabetes just a year ago and, like you, our life is governed (to an extent) by managing his blood sugars, twice daily injections (so inflexible) and all the other 'no's' that seem to go with Diabetes. I feel like his older brother (6) has often suffered as a result of diabetes - although this is something we're making a big effort to put to rights at the moment through one-to-one time with him and making sure that they take turns choosing what to do, what to eat etc etc. It's hard to strike the right balance.

Re your comment about not having deserts anymore ... our kids usually have yogurt or fruit after a meal so that continues as normal. We started off trying diet yogurts as recommended by dietician but they were too lumpy for our then 3 year old so we reverted back to Fruit Tumbles, Frubes, fromage frais etc etc. We've discovered that these don't play havoc with his blood sugar after a balanced and carb-laden meal. We had about 6 selelection boxes make their way into our house over Christmas and have dealt with many parties and the resulting party bags stuffed full of sweets. Neither child misses out ... chocolate is now an after dinner treat and they might get half/quarter of a bar of something every few nights; the selection boxes are still going strong but neither child comments on the fact that they get less than their peers or before diabetes (not that they got that much then either). So, I guess what I'm saying is that even on twice daily injections your daughter can still have deserts and with a mix of carb counting (try keeping a food diary for a while if you don't already do this) and trial and error, you'll learn what sends her blood sugars haywire and what combinations of food don't have too much of an effect. I've even made chocolate brownies recently and DS gets half after dinner with no ill effects.

This isn't of much use to you in how to deal with your older DD but I don't think you need advice there - you've talked to her and you're on the right track. However, perhaps sometimes having the food you used to eat as a family will make the rest of the family feel less that diabetes governs their lives also and it might take away any guilt your DD who has diabetes might feel (now or in the future) about how her medical needs influenced family life.

HTH and please try not to be too down on yourself.

Oh re your older daughter ... why not put a clean lancet in the little one's finger pricker and check her blood sugar before a meal? If it's elevated, take her to the Dr and if not, keep a close eye ... she might even have a UTI if she's running to the loo quite a bit.

That's exactly what I did Millie just before bed. Her reading was 9.1. Don't know what to think?

That's a little high Emily. I'd be happy with that reading before going to bed but for a non-diabetic? How long after food was it?

3 hours. But I can't be sure she didn't sneak some food into her room. To be honest her symptoms seem to have disappeared now that DH has gone back to work! But I've told her that if she isn't feeling any better tomorrow we will go to the doctors.

The extra attention seems to be working a treat. Stephi has a history of being the jealous type. When DS was born 2 years ago she had an outburst that we loved him more because he was a boy!

In fact Danni has been more of a pain today but I think that was because her blood sugar levels were low

spend loads of time talking/listening but don't reward her to make yourself feel better. she might well use this episode as a yard stick and it may well backfire on you.
Genuine remorse and positive attitudes towards change is going to be more beneficial than trying to butter her up
Big virtual hugs to you all {{{{}}}}

Any chance of checking her before breakfast in the morning - isn't that when you ought to get a good low reading? If it's elevated, it would be best to get her checked out - no harm done.

Or, maybe just take her to the GP anyway and that way you put everyone's mind at rest.