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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

dd has just said something awful to dh, please help i dont know how to deal with this?

116 replies

bashme · 16/01/2008 18:44

after him trying to confiscate her phone (for not turning up to her lunchtime detention) she shouted 'youre not my real dad'

a bit of background, dd is the product of an abusive relationship where I was verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused for 3 years. He had no contact with her, and didnt pay any CSA until she was 8 years old when he took me to court for access. I fought all the way but lost the case. He now phones once a fortnight (when he remembers) and sees her once a month at his mothers (who has always had contact). When i was forced by CAFCASS to tell her about her biological father we explained that her dad would always be her dad and but that she had a biological father who was her related to her by blood.

dh would have died for dd, he's been here since she was 3, she gets everything she wants, we live in a nice house, have holidays and he also pays for private health insurance for the whole family.

He's devastated, not an emotional man but I can clearly see he's gutted, we both feel sick.

I dont know what to say to dd, i cant even look at her right now I am so upset . I know youre all gonna favour the softly softly approach but i really feel like telling her the truth about the good for nothing loser!!

BTW ive namechanged

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 16/01/2008 18:48

How old is your DD?

MaureenMLove · 16/01/2008 18:49

Oh you poor thing! I take it she's a teenager? Your DH must feel horrid right now, as do you, but I'm afraid I think I'd opt for the softly softly approach too. She was clearly wound up by the phone thing, but shouting at her is only going to make things worse. I'd give it a couple of hours for you all to calm down and then talk to her. Is she usually a good kid?

dejags · 16/01/2008 18:51

You poor things. Kids can be terrible sometimes.

Maybe a few hometruths wouldn't be such a bad thing. Wait until you've calmed down though.

Feel so terrible for your DD's real Dad (your DH). If only she knew.

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 18:53

She's nearly 12.

Shes a bit gobby and thinks she's chocolate since starting high school. I have always remained silent about what sort of man he is but I really feel like going up there and telling her that I almost lost her because he kicked me in the stomach when pg (along with disappearing for days and sleeping with other women)
I wouldnt mind but shes only known him for 3 years

OP posts:

throckenholt · 16/01/2008 18:53

I think he needs to sit down quietly with her and explain that he may not have been there when she was conceived - but he has been there all the time since she was 3 - so he is the best father she has.

He needs to explain that saying hurtful things when you are angry is usually something you regret when you calm down.

And he needs to have a quiet talk to her about why she is getting things like detention and why she didn't feel that she should go to it.

He needs to stay calm and adult and let her talk without him getting angry.

dittany · 16/01/2008 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scootergrrrl · 16/01/2008 18:54

Maybe you could talk to her about what a real dad actually does, as in provides the wherewithall for them to be born, as it were, or feeds, clothes, care for, loves them etc for years.
Poor you and DH. Good luck to you both.

MaureenMLove · 16/01/2008 18:55

Don't do it yet. She needs to calm down. If you tell her all that now, whilst she's in a shitty mood, it'll just make things worse.

crokky · 16/01/2008 18:55

I would explain to her that in fact, DH is her REAL dad, although he is not her biological dad. A real dad is someone who loves and nurtures his child, not someone who abuses the child's mother and does a runner. I would do it calmly later.

throckenholt · 16/01/2008 18:55

and maybe over the next few weeks you need to start to explain to her what was wrong with the life you had with her biological dad. And explain that it does not necessarily have any effect on her relationship with him - but he is not worth alienating her real dad for.

And explain that reliability is something to appreciate.

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 18:55

throck he cant talk to her right now. He said he's finished with her and feels sick. He told her to put her shoes on and get out
Now he's just sitting here looking at nothing.
I cant blame him, if I worked all the hours god sent, bought everything someone wanted, kept them warm and safe and was always there and then they said that, I would be pretty pissed off too, adult or no adult it still hurts the same

OP posts:

captainmummy · 16/01/2008 18:56

Wait until youve calmed down, and tell her a bit about the b**rd, followed by 'i know it's an easy hit, but you cannot talk to your (step)father like that. It's hurtful and will damage the relationship you have with him, who has been your real father in all ways.'

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 18:57

dittany are you suggesting that when a child gets detention and they dont bother going then I just get the school to deal with it and there are no repercussions at home? Sorry but we dont parent like that.

Shes upstairs crying in her room, Ive been up and said that I cant talk about it right now and that I think she may have changed things forever

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 16/01/2008 18:59

I have alays told my two eldest dd's that it takes an amazing man to give everything that a father gives and take everything that a father has to take (good and bad) and to do that purely through choice and the love of that child not biological responsibility or obligation.

Perhaps you need to remind her of this.

LoveAngel · 16/01/2008 19:00

I know he must be really hurt, but he is the adult in the situation. Perhaps he could sleep on it, and then have a calm talk with her tomorrow about the whole thing? She may be gobby, but she is just a kid, an angry kid at that, and probably feeling confused. She knows your DH loves her and she oviously loves him enough to be able to push the boundaries like this. Sounds like she is testing him to me. Cut her some slack at this stage, eh?

DoodleToYou · 16/01/2008 19:00

Message withdrawn

MaureenMLove · 16/01/2008 19:02

Dh is cross too, but saying that to her is actually a little childish imho. He needs to be the grown up here. I know he's hurting and I know he is upset, but think about how much stuff your 12 year old has got going around in her little head. I'm not defending what she said, but she is still only 12! She's still not really old enough to understand how hurtful what she said is. He doesn't really want to see her out on the street does he? Or is this just the straw that broke the camels back?

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 19:03

doodle she is 12.

CAFCASS arranged for her to meet him at their centre for 3 occasions so she had to be told who he was. It was very upsetting at the time.

She's not horrendously spoilt, but she does get what she wants at Xmas and things but certainly not on a daily or weekly basis

OP posts:

dittany · 16/01/2008 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 16/01/2008 19:03

at 12 I think she's old enough to know the truth.

Maybe I wouldn't shout, but I would sit her down and tell her. why does she think her father wasn't in the picture for 8 years?

bossykate · 16/01/2008 19:04

um. isn't it perfectly normal for adolescents to say things like this? if he were her real father, she'd have said she wished she was adopted... i thought it was part of the job description for adolescents.

i'm very sorry you and dh are upset but you are the adults and it's important that you don't overreact.

i wouldn't overcode this comment by loading your dd with tons of crap from your previous relationship and guilt at not being grateful enough to your dh.

there is a book which deals all about this type of stuff, i'll have a look for it and come back.

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 19:05

No of course he doesnt want to see her on the street hes certainly not that horrible, but he is terribly hurt and I really feel like things wont be the same.

What hurts is things like the health insurance and life insurance, dh has made sure that if anything happens to him that both the children get the same (we have a child together too) and they really are treated equally on all counts.

Oh i'm just gutted i wanna cry and scream and sob my heart out

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 16/01/2008 19:06

At the end of the day she only verbalised a biological fact that you are all aware of. Kids always aim below the belt...

Just tell her she's lucky to have your DH aswell as her real dad ( I personally wouldn't slag off her real dad to her atm).
Then tell her how much it hurt DH and ask her to think about why she wanted to hurt him like that.

MaureenMLove · 16/01/2008 19:08

I agree Bossykate, I think it is a statement that was going to come out either now at 12 or before she was 16! Dh really should have expected it at some point.

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 19:08

thanks bossykate, I suppose you are right (I told my mother I must have been adopted).

A lot of you are talking sense, I think I can ask her things like 'why do you think he didnt see you for 8 years' and remind her of all the things dh does for her. I do think shes too young to know about stuff that went on and it would just be a cheap shot from me, but when she's old enough I will tell her the truth.

She calls him by his name and calls dh dad, its so weird that shes said this to him

OP posts:

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