Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

dd has just said something awful to dh, please help i dont know how to deal with this?

116 replies

bashme · 16/01/2008 18:44

after him trying to confiscate her phone (for not turning up to her lunchtime detention) she shouted 'youre not my real dad'

a bit of background, dd is the product of an abusive relationship where I was verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused for 3 years. He had no contact with her, and didnt pay any CSA until she was 8 years old when he took me to court for access. I fought all the way but lost the case. He now phones once a fortnight (when he remembers) and sees her once a month at his mothers (who has always had contact). When i was forced by CAFCASS to tell her about her biological father we explained that her dad would always be her dad and but that she had a biological father who was her related to her by blood.

dh would have died for dd, he's been here since she was 3, she gets everything she wants, we live in a nice house, have holidays and he also pays for private health insurance for the whole family.

He's devastated, not an emotional man but I can clearly see he's gutted, we both feel sick.

I dont know what to say to dd, i cant even look at her right now I am so upset . I know youre all gonna favour the softly softly approach but i really feel like telling her the truth about the good for nothing loser!!

BTW ive namechanged

OP posts:

sugar34plum · 17/01/2008 21:08

btw im almost 35 now with 6 kids of my own even my dd1 is almost 12 has no contact with her bio dad but adores dh but i too am awaiting the day of this scenario although i hope it doesnt come!

How are you all doing?

ELF1981 · 17/01/2008 21:10

I shouted that at my dad once.

I was slightly older, I was just turned 17 and it didn't help that my dad was suffering a breakdown at the time. There were loads of issues going off, lots of fights, and it came to a head one new year over something so stupid.
We had a massive row, I was swearing at him, told him he wasn't my dad, he told me he'd washed his hands of me and didn't want to talk to me again.
It took a while (partly due to his mental health) but things went back to normal, and we have a fantastic relationship now.

Believe me, she'll be feeling guilty. Even now when I think about it, I cringe

NappiesGalore · 17/01/2008 21:13

oh fgs, this is stupid now.

dh is an adult.

she is 12

it was a stupid angry thing to say but UTTERLY NORMAL.

you both need to have a word with yourselves and get over it. your dd is a CHILD.

grow up.

magnolia74 · 17/01/2008 21:13

Oh I can imagine how hurt your dh must be but please urge him to talk to her, tell her how terribley hurt and upset he is but that he still loves her very much.

My dad has been with my mum since I was a baby and adopted me when I was 3, I was told at the age of 11 that he was not my real dad and I think it was his unconditional love for me throughout my nasty teenage years that makes me realise just what a wonderful dad he is.

I think if your dh cannot face her it is going to make things worse

Tortington · 17/01/2008 21:16

ithink that you should note that she feels safe enough to be able to scream that - its a compliment.

astrophe made a good point - if you create an environment where she feels she can say sorry she will.

if anyone should instigate the talking hear its your dh

guilt is very powerful - i think you've done enough. tell your dh to get down of the cross for gods sake.

sugar34plum · 17/01/2008 21:17

nappies galore hardly helpful! if you dont like a thread why reply?

NappiesGalore · 17/01/2008 21:24

actually i did reply in depth yesterday.
and my last post was prob the harshest ive ever posted on mn.
i just cant believe that a grown man is still acting this way. its ridiculous. the fact she feels safe to say stuff like that is the biggest complient ever. the fact she thought everything would be ok today also indicates she is under the impression she is unconditionally loved. which is fantastic. it eans her parents are doing a great job.

part of which is being undone by her grown stepfather sulking like a sodding teenager.

she will say and do much worse that this in the years to come from time to time. you need to know she needs you as parents to rise above it. lead by example and deal with your anger/feelings in a more mature fashion.

RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 17/01/2008 21:26

I am sorry but I am sitting here boiling with rage at the way your DH is dealing with this. I am adopted and I know what it feels like to be expected to feel grateful for everything a biological child takes for granted. How can one angry remark, uttered by a 12-year-old in the heat of the moment change years of unconditional love and acceptance. Your DH is behaving like a childish, selfish arse. You are both reinforcing her belief that his love IS conditional, if he can turn it off like that because of what she said. She is a child, FGS, she can't possibly be expected to understand the implications of what she said. Now more than ever is the time for your DH to show her that he does love her, that he IS her real Dad, instead of going into a passive-agressive sulk and confirming all her worst fears about her place in your family.

Tortington · 17/01/2008 21:27

nappies beat me to it

i think the reason we came out with a different view is becuse we have a diferent view sugar -

DontCallMeHun · 17/01/2008 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NappiesGalore · 17/01/2008 21:33

rosa said it better than me.

am also really quite angry about this tbh.

sugar34plum · 17/01/2008 21:36

i guess we do im seeing it from my own experience also think i may have missed why the anger is at the dh as so many of you feel this will go read through again

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 17/01/2008 21:38

In my opinion she said the one thing that she knew would get a reaction. And she said it because she felt safe to say it. Secure in the knowledge that she would get a rise out of him, but that things would be the same and he wouls till be there for her.

In my opinion, 9 times out of every 10 that a teenager verbally lashes out at their parent, it's not to irrevocably damage the relationship. It's because they know they can without risk of losing that person

Your DH could do some serious damage here to her sense of security, self and family if he's not careful, and could play right into the hands of her Bio Father......

magnolia74 · 17/01/2008 21:38

I have been thinking about this for a bit and it is so very sad that your dh is hurt that she said 'you are not my dad' but by refusing to talk to her and not want her at a family party he is not acting like a dad at all

Zazette · 17/01/2008 21:41

So if he is sure he IS her real dad, and really wants to feel like that, why does he respond to an absolutely bog-standard bit of adolescent name-calling by wanting to EXCLUDE her from his family event? Does he have some kind of urge to make what she said become the emotional reality? because he's going about it the right way, if so...

sounds like you and her are handling this beautifully - good for you. time for your dh to grow up, get over himself, and stop playing the martyr

Cam · 17/01/2008 21:46

Forgive and move on

bero · 17/01/2008 21:47

I agree with those who say your dh is being very unreasonable.

One or two things in earlier osts worried me. In your OP you said something like 'she has everything she wants, nice holidays, why is she doing this?' and in another that you were particularly hurt because of your dh's equal financial provisions for your children. IMO, if yur dh does feel like your dd's real ad and can thus be so hurt that she says he isn't, then equal provision is as it should be, surely, not something she should feel especially grateful for? I grew up with (biological) parents who used material provision as a guilt trip and stranglehold, and tbh see traces of that here.

She must be feeling dreadful now. What does your dh want her to do? I can't help feeling there's something slightly manipulative about his behaviour now.

shimmy · 17/01/2008 21:48

My god - poor poor dd. To be told that she has changed things forever becuase of one hurtful comment. How many of us can honestly say we'e never said similarly awful things to those we love.

How insecure do you want her to become?

bero · 17/01/2008 21:50

And no wonder your dd wants you to tell her what to say to dh. She must be feeling pretty bewildered.

mumeeee · 17/01/2008 21:52

It is normal for teenagers to get angry with their parents and say hurtful things to them.
I'm sorry your DH is feeling hurt but it is not fair not to talk to her.
She is only 12 and probably does not realise how much she has hurt him. He neds to forgive her,move on and let her come to the family party.

Olihan · 17/01/2008 21:52

Read this last night but didn't get time to post.

To be frank, if your dh is going to over react like this at every bit of adolescent behaviour your dd throws at him then he may as well move out now because it's only going to get worse.

I agree completely with Custy and Nappies that he needs to remember that he is the mature adult in this situation and start behaving like it.

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 17/01/2008 21:53

At the moment she needs unconditional love. For your DH to say " I don't care if he is your biological father, I am yuour Dad I love you and that will never change. Now make me a cup of tea"

....or similar

Dinosaur · 17/01/2008 21:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

gonaenodaethat · 17/01/2008 22:00

I also agree with Bossykate. She probably has no idea how hurtful this is.
I think that once everyone has calmed down you'll be able to make her realise that using this fact as a weapon is unacceptable. I don't think you have to tell her about her bio dad's shortcomings to make this point.

madamez · 17/01/2008 22:01

Seconding nearlyb everyone: your DH needs to get a grip. Sure he's hurt, but he's the grown up here and for him to start acting like a snotty adolescent will do far more damage than any thing an actual adolescent can say or do - and bannign her from a family party is a surefire way of making her rebel like mad because she will feel that she is not loved, not important, and nothing she does matters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5