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Parenting

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Original poster

dd has just said something awful to dh, please help i dont know how to deal with this?

116 replies

bashme · 16/01/2008 18:44

after him trying to confiscate her phone (for not turning up to her lunchtime detention) she shouted 'youre not my real dad'

a bit of background, dd is the product of an abusive relationship where I was verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused for 3 years. He had no contact with her, and didnt pay any CSA until she was 8 years old when he took me to court for access. I fought all the way but lost the case. He now phones once a fortnight (when he remembers) and sees her once a month at his mothers (who has always had contact). When i was forced by CAFCASS to tell her about her biological father we explained that her dad would always be her dad and but that she had a biological father who was her related to her by blood.

dh would have died for dd, he's been here since she was 3, she gets everything she wants, we live in a nice house, have holidays and he also pays for private health insurance for the whole family.

He's devastated, not an emotional man but I can clearly see he's gutted, we both feel sick.

I dont know what to say to dd, i cant even look at her right now I am so upset . I know youre all gonna favour the softly softly approach but i really feel like telling her the truth about the good for nothing loser!!

BTW ive namechanged

OP posts:

throckenholt · 16/01/2008 19:09

yes he is hurt - but you must both realise that adolescents often have a knack of saying the most hurtful things in the heat of the moment - they don't actually mean it for real.

You have to be grown up about it - and not let it get to you. You have to show her by example that sort of behaviour is not on and gets her nowhere. But the way to do that is not by getting angry and hurt and lashing out. You have to remain patient and calm, and talk quietly to her about life.

To be honest - this sort of scenario is likely to recur over the next few years - but if you want to come out of it with a good relationship between you all then you have to play the long game and not rise to the short term emotional volcanoes.

Greensleeves · 16/01/2008 19:10

I think telling her details about your life with her father is an appalling idea I'm afraid. I feel sick with disgust that he kicked you in the stomach when you were pg, and ran out on his child - but those are ADULT experiences and she is an eleven year old child. If you inflict these inappropriate facts on her now it will because you are angry with what she has done and you want to do something serious that will upset and shock her - which is exactly what she's done to your dh - it's even less acceptable behaviour in an adult.

Similarly I don't think you should be telling her that she's changed things forever - she's 11, she's a child and she was upset and angry when she lashed out with a cheap shot. I feel sorry for you and your dh that she has hurt you, but you are overreacting a bit IMO. Children of this age DO make cruel remarks - things like "you should have had me adopted" or "I didn't ask to be born" - in her mind this is probably similar.

I the fact that she screamed "You're not my dad" at a time when he WAS being very much a dad, and she (like any naughty child) resented it - in a way it demonstrates that she does actually know he loves her as a dad and she trusts him enough to lash out at him and expect to be forgiven as he would forgive his own child. Don't make her feel as though she's destroyed family life by doing this - let her know she's hurt you both, but not that it's "changed things forever" - you'll make her very insecure.

Sorry if that seems harsh or unhelpful - it is meant to be helpful.

bossykate · 16/01/2008 19:13

get out of my life but first take me and alex into town

i'm sorry you and your dh are upset but i think you need a quick crash course in adolescents before coming down with tons of guilt and crap on a perfectly normal - yes sorry but it is - comment.

SofiaAmes · 16/01/2008 19:13

She is 12. Her hormones are starting. Boys and bitchy girls and all sorts of new territories are opening up. Her behavior is totally normal. Which doesn't mean to say that it's acceptable. She will probably get to a place where she can and will apologize and even mean it. And I can guarantee you that she will do it again because she's figured out the button to push. (I was an awful teenager and I had been an really nice child and am a really nice responsible adult.) If your dh had been her bio father, she would have found something else nasty to say to him.
She has enough on her plate with a new school and a new body, new self-awareness and new problems....I wouldn't pick now to tell her how awful her bio father was/is. I'm sure she knows it inside of her already. Give your dh some love and attention and remind him how important he is and how traumatic it is to parent a teenager (12 counts as one nowadays) whether or not they are yours biologically.

Let everything calm down a little and your dd will apologize without you needing to make her so do.
It may also be helpful for you and your dh to make some plans between the two of you about how you will deal with these situations in the future. (ie how to remain calm in the face of a hysterical irrational teenager who is sure you have ruined the rest of their life by preventing them from doing some minor whatever)

yurt1 · 16/01/2008 19:14

Agree with Greensleeves. I had very loving parents and I remember saying exactly the same to them (er they were/are my real parents- I was just being spiteful) at about that age. It's hormones. Really don't make it too big a deal.

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 19:14

thank you greensleeves and I take on board what youve said. I have just posted that I think telling her anything about that time would be innappropriate.
I just said what I could when I went upstairs, i didnt want to shout but I just did what i could at the time. Saying she'd changed things may not have been the best choice of words but it was all i could find other than completely losing it and shouting which I didnt want.

OP posts:

bossykate · 16/01/2008 19:15

i really am sorry you are both so upset and also dreadfully sorry about your previously relationship

i don't mean to sound harsh or patronising.

dittany · 16/01/2008 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoanCrawford · 16/01/2008 19:17

Just wanted to say exactly what Greensleeves has said. She has done it far better than I ever could. Don't be too hard on your dd bash

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 19:17

bossykate you dont sound patronising at all and I am definately going to get that book, it looks like it might get a bit of a bashing over the next 4 years or so

I think I will try and get dh to read this thread when he's feeling a bit better

OP posts:

SpawnChorus · 16/01/2008 19:18

Bossykate said everything I was planning on saying (but probably more eloquently). I can understand how very hurt your DH (and you) must feel though.

MaureenMLove · 16/01/2008 19:18

We all say things in the heat of the moment, it must have been an awful moment for you all. Give her some space now and let her calm down. How's DH now? Is he a little calmer? When she is calm, maybe not even today, have a hug and a chat and I'm sure you can all work it out.

BTW, I think you were totally right about taking the phone away! Teachers and parents are supposed to work together, afterall!

chonky · 16/01/2008 19:19

I said exactly this to my (step)mum when I was about 8.

Agree totally with what greeny says. I can look back now at the age of 32 and realise what a foul thing it was to say to my mum, but at the time I was just simply angry and it was the first thing that entered my head. I very much doubt that I truly meant it at the time. My mum was upset and angry, and I don't blame her, after all she'd done all the caring for me whilst my biological mother had done feck all. Credit to her that she was able to move on from it and put it behind us.

Wotzsaname · 16/01/2008 19:19

I think there is some good advice here.
Agree that no good will come of telling her the true history. She is not ready to hear it.

I lost my dad when I was young. Your dh is just taking a bashing from a 12 year old. She is only venting as a teen would. We can say terrible things I know I did!

Please, be the adult and remember she is going to say these things even if both parents were her 'real' parents.

Hope your dh can understand.

lljkk · 16/01/2008 19:21

I'm afraid she'll come up with much more hurtful things to say, over time (this is just a stark truth with teens).
So your DH needs to get over it...truth is, and he knows it and she knows it, he IS her dad, even if he's not her "father".
If she's anything like my 8yo she'll be wanting cuddles and not even understanding why he's still upset, later. He needs to get a much thicker skin about it, in the long run. Sure still tell her off when she's said something hurtful, but don't let it actually get to him (or you) so much underneath.

Think you've had so great advice on this thread, btw.

Karen999 · 16/01/2008 19:22

Have only read the OP but can sympathise. Please remember that she is at that age where hormones etc can kick in and she will want to rebel....she will go for the achilles heel and for you and your dh that is the fact that he is not her real father. Try not to get to upset about it. Its only a reaction to her not getting her own way. Believe me, the things that I said to my parents at that age are umnentionable.

I can totally see where your dh is coming from but taking on some else's kids is never easy and has she ever said that to him before? In all the years that he has been there for her has she ever treated him like that?

I appreciate that you live in a nice house, holidays etc but this is not the be all and end all. Perhaps your dd can detect that things were bad with he biological dad and in some kind of weird way she feels like she is protecting him?!

Could you speak to her about how she feels about things? I am sure that she prob feels really bad about upsetting your dh. Maybe it is worth getting some kind of counselling for her....

Dottydot · 16/01/2008 19:25

I think it's inevitable they're going to say stuff like this - it's true and they instinctively know it'll hurt...

dp and I are fully aware and signed up to the fact that at some point in time, ds's (aged 6 and 3) are going to say to each one of us that we're not their real Mum. They'll probably demand to go and live with their Dad and say all sorts of stuff to hurt us. We know this but it doesn't make it any easier. I would definitely be expecting it though and there's no point thinking it won't happen again.

don't be too hard on your dd - she lashed out and used the most emotive weapon she had to hand - as a 12 year old that's her job and it's probably to yours and your dh's credit that it's taken this long for her to get cross enough to say it!

choccypig · 16/01/2008 19:28

I think BossyKate is right. Your DP shouldn't take it personally, all teenagers get like this at some point. The next one to expect is "I didn't ask to be born" to you. and then "I wish you weren't my real mum" etc.
SOunds like I know it all, which I don't, but I can remember being a teenager myself.

NappiesGalore · 16/01/2008 19:29

no way should you go and tell her what a total shit her dad is. and CERTAINLY not in anger. you and dh need to be the adults here. she is a child and prob has no idea of the hurt her words cause.

she is no doubt confused about her dad and prob knows theres things she doesnt know - but i dont think gory details will help her. you will taumatise the poor girl! when you are all calm you can talk about all the issues which led to this outburst and how it hurts you/dh to hear her say that but bad mouthing her dad will only come back to bite you on the bum, and hurt her. im sure its not your intention to hurt her?

your x will be seen for the shit he is by her in the fullness of time, but she needs to work it out for herself.

NappiesGalore · 16/01/2008 19:32

on a lighter note, i know a girl whose mother used to respond to all screaming ' i hate you all' storming about door slaming outbursts by smiling sweetly and saying, 'oh julie, i love you too' which she found utterly infuriating and really quite diffusing at the same time.

since you are in for a few teenage years yet, you might like to start practicing that one.

MrsCarrot · 16/01/2008 19:34

My mum chose to tell me all about the hideous things my father had done when I was 12 or so and I really couldn't cope with it. She obviously thought I was mature enough and thought I need explanation for his absence but although I was quite mature, it was a lot of horror to take on board.

You really don't need to think about those things happening to your mum as a child, it's traumatic, and such a sensitive age.

It must be very upsetting for you both but I agree with others that it sounds like a normal teenage below the belt remark. She needs to know not to upset people like that but she doesn't need to have images of your abuse in her head. I am still traumatised by it tbh.

pooka · 16/01/2008 19:40

Not to in any way belittle the massive massive role your dh has in your dd's life, and how generous it is to make financial provisions for both the children equally, I get the sense though that she might feel that she is in a precarious position, particularly when things are said about her leaving and about things having been irrevocably changed.
Yes, your dh has welcomed her with open arms. But to expect a 12 year old to be grateful for the contribution is almost to highlight the difference between her and your shared child. Would you be expecting the same sense of gratitude and appreciation of parenting provided by your dh from your shared child as from your dd?
I'm simply saying that as others have said, children make cheap shots. You and your dh need to rise above it and above all reassure her just by being consistent, reasonable and adult.

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 19:41

Well i have been up to speak with her. She is very upset but maintains that the idiot is still her 'real' dad.
So I asked her to tell me the things that make a real dad. Every one she said I asked 'does dh do that' answer 'yes', so we have boiled it down to the fact that although not related by blood (which means shite all and I know this from my father) a dad is someone who loves you, cares for you is there for you when youre happy/sad/well/ill etc.
Ive told her not to speak to dh tonight but to ask him tomorrow if they can talk.

OP posts:

pooka · 16/01/2008 19:44

Well that sounds like progress bashme. I think it is v important that when your dd asks your dh to talk to her, he mustn't say no or be huffy.

Original poster

bashme · 16/01/2008 19:44

pooka i dont dont expect her to be grateful but I do expect her to understand the difference between people who care and people who dont and that means people being there all the time no matter what the weather

OP posts:

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