dd has just said something awful to dh, please help i dont know how to deal with this?

[bashme]

after him trying to confiscate her phone (for not turning up to her lunchtime detention) she shouted 'youre not my real dad'

a bit of background, dd is the product of an abusive relationship where I was verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused for 3 years. He had no contact with her, and didnt pay any CSA until she was 8 years old when he took me to court for access. I fought all the way but lost the case. He now phones once a fortnight (when he remembers) and sees her once a month at his mothers (who has always had contact). When i was forced by CAFCASS to tell her about her biological father we explained that her dad would always be her dad and but that she had a biological father who was her related to her by blood.

dh would have died for dd, he's been here since she was 3, she gets everything she wants, we live in a nice house, have holidays and he also pays for private health insurance for the whole family.

He's devastated, not an emotional man but I can clearly see he's gutted, we both feel sick.

I dont know what to say to dd, i cant even look at her right now I am so upset . I know youre all gonna favour the softly softly approach but i really feel like telling her the truth about the good for nothing loser!!

BTW ive namechanged

Just following up from the other posts, my dad also brought up my 2 brothers (half brothers) from when they were 4 and 6 (their dad was an alcoholic/gambler). The younger one routinely used the line 'you're not my real father (and far, far worse)' in teenage rows (i had less ammo to use but was probably equally as poisonous). Anyway, it was horrible at the time but really just the 'best line' for a teenager to use when he was pissed off with his parents. My dad died a couple of years ago and my brothers were absolutely devasted because they loved him very much and considered him to be their real dad (as he viewed them as his sons)despite what they may have said in the past!. Long winded way of saying, please don't stress too much about it.

Oh absolutely. But that's why I was worried that in telling her to get her shoes and you saying that she had changed things, she would feel very much that the unconditional caring and all other things that go with being a parent could be withdrawn.

Your dd has said it to be hurtful, she's rebelling and it's an easy thing to grasp at. Tell your dh to wear it with pride means that she is secure enough in his unconditional love to say it.

agree with bossykate and greensleeves. Sorry it is bringing back all sorts of bad memories for you.

I screamed 'I wish I was adopted' at my parents at a not too dissimilar age

This is what I would do in our situation which is not the same as yours but involves a stepdad (real dad very hands on) but that comes with similar probs funnily enough
You may know instantly it won't work so obviously ignore me but this is what I did in similar circumstances.

It's a weird time for girls and I would be tempted to ignore her now and give her a kiss and a cuddle to say goodnight.

After school tomorrow, take her out for a coffee (bit grown up) and have a chat about what's bothering her, if it feels appropriate then explain why she has hurt you both (more dh) and remind her how much he has done for her because he loves her - stress this part. Also talk about family rules - inappropriate and unacceptable for anyone to be spoken to the way she spoke to your dh and will in future be punished.

If she still feels very upset and in cloud cuckoo land about your foul ex then I think I would be tempted to find a way to involve a third party (relation of yours or an old friend) and they could gently give her some background on him - from their perspective as long as you approved what would be said and it would not be too much information for her. That way you may avoid the 'she's just trying to put me off him' backlash as it has come from the third party (they need to explain to her that you wouldn't like them to talk about it ).

It's a tough time for her as well as you, so give her a little more leeway with her behaviour than you would normally (demonstrate that you can see she's growing up and recognise puberty). If she hasn't already I would say she's very close to starting her periods btw

think I waffled a bit too much, sorry

Bashme, I think that the conversation you've just had with her sounds like just the right thing to have done. I can also understand why your dh is so hurt - my stepdad would have been devestated if I'd ever said anything like that to him (really hoping I didn't; don't rememmber doing so).

I also totally agree with you that parents should support school and punish at home if necessary - otherwise, children have little respect for school and see home and school as forces apart, rather than 2 "institutions" that want to help, support and nurture them - so I fully understand why you and dh had decided to confiscate the phone.

She's probably feeling quite ashamed of herself, as well as angry with dh (and maybe you as well) but she will come round - espcially when you're handling this in such a positve, unbiased way. Hats off to you!

Bossykate - that book looks good - off to do an Amazon order!

be honest with her about your relationshiup with her dad but don't lay blame just be very factual

Wisteria - you talk so much sense!

but its just words tho. and shes twelve. she could be in a world or torment and confusion about absolutely everything, and hurting just as much if not more than you and dh.

my dad is a fantastic dad but was a bit of a rubbish husband to my mum as it happens, affairs all over the shop. the broke up when i was 10 and at about 12 i started to hear about his indiscretions. although i sill loved him i was devastated to hear that he could do such things, which led after all to my life and the life of my whole family falling apart (in my eyes at the time) and it traumatised me for many years.

hearing that hed beaten her up etc wouldve been much more intense than that.

its such a sensitive age - i was suicidal at that age. please dont be tempted to control her behaviour by hurting her.

obv if she was in any danger she would need to learn the truth to protect her, but that doesnt seem to be the case.

like cargirl so wisely said; it really is the people you love and utterly depend on that you lash out at. it actually means that she loves him, beleive it or not!

We do the same with regards to detention and the mobile phones,if they get a detention (usually a detention happens a week after the incident)so from the day its happened to the day the detention the mobile phone is confiscated-they dont get many detentions though it seems that punishment works.....BUT when it happens although they know the consequence they still hate me and wish xyz was their mum cos they wouldnt do such an awful thing ....so i think or i likke to think this happens in every house,having said that generally when they calm down and say sorry (maybe tidy their rooms or carry the show mountain back upstairs -where do all thses shoes come from???)it blows over and all is calm......until the next time,tbh i dont think its your job to explain the hurt dds dad the one she upset should explain to her how he "chose" to love her and how hurt he is.......i should leave it to him

perfectly normal response from a pissed off older child.

Not acceptable, but perfectly normal.

I shouted horrible things like that at my dad all the time. She's nmot being vile because he's not her biological father, she's being vile because of her age.

Bossykate and colditz are right. She's lashing out like a typical adolescent and just happens to have a convenient slur for your DH.

Yes Colditz you're right, of course. How's it going now, Bashme?

It was just something for her to say BashMe. It was always going to happen I promise you.. and I also promise you it says nothing about how much she loves and values her (step) dad.. it's was just an appropriate missle for a twelve year old to hurl! You better warn him, he'll hear it again at some stage, probably more than once..

My DH has been step dad to DS1 (15) since he was 2. DS has retained a good relationship with his father throughout but has obviously had a father/son relationship with DH too.. in fact, more so, because DH gets the good AND bad, xH just gets "weekend DS on best behaviour".

I warned DH years ago that at same stage, in the midst of adolescent angst, he is going to have "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!!" yelled at him, so when it happened, it was almost funny (I am not saying you and DH should feel the same.. but we were waiting for it.. DS is not a particularly difficult child, but I knew he'd say it one day because he could, because it's true and because it would be designed, in the heat of the moment, to hurt.)

So, as it happened, it didn't really have the effect DS was hoping for, and although they (DH and DS) have their fallings it, he's never bothered with that one again to date!

Please don't both be torturing yourselves over it; she is just being a 12 year old. If it happens again maybe DH could respodnd with "No, I'm not, but I love you as if I am", very calmly. That should take the hot air out of her even if she doesn't admit it outwardly!

Hmmm Not so much a softly softly but a GUILT appraoch i think, she obviously does love dh very much and for all intensive purposes he is her dad! We all say things we dont mean and at her age we often say things and dont realise the consequences of our actions. DH should sit her down quietly and EXPLAIN her how upset he is about what she said to him and EXPLAIN why.
I would suggest that if your dd is noramlly a relatively good and understanding soul she will learn from this and never say it again.
I myself said this once to my mums partner (like a dad to me) and i immediately felt riddled with guilt but really didnt know how to say sorry and i didnt mean it, i was also embarrased and couldnt find a way to bring it up so just hoped it was forgotten.. of course it wasnt - but i never said it again.

I don't have time to read all the responses as our dinner is almost ready, but your post hit close to home and I felt I had to respond. I am a stepmother who has been raising my two boys since they were almost one and almost two. Their birth mother has never made any effort to see them or have a relationship with them. DS1 is almost 12 and DS2 is almost 11. In moments of anger a couple of years ago they have both said that I'm not their real mum. I always expected they would some day come out with this so I was prepared. And I told them that a real mum is the one who is always there for them and what they said was very hurtful to me. I then just walked away but then treated them as normal after. DH got very angry with them, but I always tried to stay cool. In any case, they have stopped and I haven't heard this in awhile now, and they can both get pretty obnoxious to me, but they know who their 'real' mum is. They are only children and aren't always in control of their mouths when angry and they need to learn what is acceptable and what is hurtful. Your DD needs to know that she hurt your DH, but he shouldn't overreact or she will continue to use this to bait him. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Also, i found my mum crying in her room when i was 15, she blurted out that my dad was having yet another afair and told me all about their hurrendous past. I told her to leave there and then and that i would go with her. We left that day. My mum didnt run him down or call him names just told me the story so to speak. I continued to see and LOVE my dad, he was a pretty good dad to me but i hated him for what he did to mum. Of course they seperted, divorced and life moved along, it didnt have any disatrous effects on me at all but i was older than my years and understood. I have a very good relationship with both my parents and even though my dad was a wanker to my mum i still love/d him and would of hated it if my mum had ran him down to me.
Never throw up what your ex was like in a row, i fear it would backfire beacuse no matter what our parents do, we still love them. its the old thing - i can say my mums a bitch but nobody else can!!!!!!!

thank you so much for your replies.

Its not great here dd obviously thought everything would return to normal this morning and seemed shocked that me and dh were not fawning all over her!
dh normally wakes her cos he's up first but he couldnt face seeing her this morning .
I had a few words with her tonight but she still doesnt seem that bothered about apologsing, she basically wants me to tell her what to say.
dh now says he doesnt want her to attend (his) family party at the weekend. He says he wont always feel like this but he's so hurt and angry and that he cant put on a front and doesnt want the family to knwo what she said. Its so fucking awful I feel drained.

To make matters worse the thing that started this (the detention), has been cancelled the teacher made a mistake and should never have given dd the detention in the first place

bashme are you still on?

im with bossy kate...totally with bossy kate.

also, although the desire must be very strong...id urge you not to tell her precisely what a vile person her father was because her identity and sense of self is tied up with his...it could make her feel vulnerable and all sorts!

dont be side tracked this was about a phone!

yes still here in the hell that has become my life
dh is so stubborn! He has said that they will be friends again when he's less angry but that it will always be in the back of his mind.
I'm not sure if I agree that it was a throaway comment, a few people ive spoken with today have said 'oh she must have been speaking to someone to come out with that'.

I'm sorry about this. But I agree with bossykate. Children/teenagers say horrible things and are horrible sometimes.

A real dad (like your DH) hears it, is hurt beyond belief and loves and forgives the child anyway.

Easy for me to say, I know. But he is experiencing being a father to a teenager. I think you can reassure him that this is normal (if not acceptable) and tell him that this is what real fathers have to deal with and that his love for you all will win out.

Would it be too much for him to open a conversation with her by saying "You know how much I love you and you really hurt me by saying that. Can we agree that you won't say it again?@

If you make DD feel like things have changed forever, they will change forever. She will feel like theres no way back, and so there wont be.

Not to take anything away from the hurt your DH must feel, but I suspect that if your DD feels forgiveness is possible, then she will show that she is sorry.

i was your dd 20 years ago My dad married my mum when i was 6 months old and legally adopted me the day before i turned 1.

I was the nastiest teenager going.

I still remember the first time i screamed at him i hated him and that he wasnt my real dad and i didnt have to do anything he said. I will never forget the look on his face of pure pain.

I didnt register it at first because i was so full of anger and hormones!

Your dd will forever remember what she said and it will always be a regret to her. I gaurantee she didnt mean it. She is angry and wanted to lash out.Why choose him.? Because subconciously she knows that his her dad and he will love her unconditionly for always and forever no matter what she does.

The fact that he hasnt spoken to her is his choice but all she is waiting for is for him to hold her and tell her he still loves her.

I love my dad to death and he is my dad dna be b***keds!

He needs to know and believe she didnt mean it and right now she is hurting just as much as he is.

If he will he needs to go give her a hug and tell her he loves her no matter what and that he is her dad. He will always be her dad as she is his daughter and a fathers love is unconditional.

there will be other arguements and she may say it again but it is only a strike out to show she is angry and hurting.

I personally wouldnt advise telling her any horrible truths about her dad she wont appreciate it. My dad never slagged off my bio dad but my mm did and its her i never forgave for that.

It will all work out. xx