dd has just said something awful to dh, please help i dont know how to deal with this?

[bashme]

after him trying to confiscate her phone (for not turning up to her lunchtime detention) she shouted 'youre not my real dad'

a bit of background, dd is the product of an abusive relationship where I was verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused for 3 years. He had no contact with her, and didnt pay any CSA until she was 8 years old when he took me to court for access. I fought all the way but lost the case. He now phones once a fortnight (when he remembers) and sees her once a month at his mothers (who has always had contact). When i was forced by CAFCASS to tell her about her biological father we explained that her dad would always be her dad and but that she had a biological father who was her related to her by blood.

dh would have died for dd, he's been here since she was 3, she gets everything she wants, we live in a nice house, have holidays and he also pays for private health insurance for the whole family.

He's devastated, not an emotional man but I can clearly see he's gutted, we both feel sick.

I dont know what to say to dd, i cant even look at her right now I am so upset . I know youre all gonna favour the softly softly approach but i really feel like telling her the truth about the good for nothing loser!!

BTW ive namechanged

sorry if I'm reiterating something thats already been said, but you and your DH do realisethat childrne are generally only really horrid to the people they trust to still love them afterwards? If he breaks that trust by saying he wants nothing to do with her their bond may be destroyed forever. I can;t imagine my mum ever walking away from me no matter how foul I am to her (of course I'm not ). If a bio child screams "I hate you I wish I'd never been born", you don't cut them of even if what they said hurts.

She still so young, please don't credit her with adult reactions to her anger.

Agree with Kew

We had the same issues with our daughter whos 12(nr 13)and tbh I 've almost been waiting for it to be yelled out in a fit of anger for a while-pretty normal teenage anger thing.
My partner has been around since she was just 5 (her bio father has never seen her-his loss)-his reponse to her was to ignore it-perfect in my eyes-she didn't get the response she wanted and she knew she said something spiteful -I know how f*cking awful I was a teenager-said angry hurtful things but I KNEW who gave a shit about me and who mattered.Simple.

My daughter is thinking about her bio father,she's angry- he hasnt shown up in her life and us being here,we are bound to get the backlash...we deal with it.Its hard but we deal with it.

I hope your husband can see this for what it is...teenage anger and some hurt on your daughters behalf.

and having a shit-for-brains bio-father myself I can tell you it bloody hurts. I find it hard to understand at 43, it must be much harder to process at 11 that one of your birth parents who you ought to be able to trust implicitly is frankly disinterested in you.

Kew hits the nail on the head ENTIRELY

Haven't read the whole thread, but this sort of striking out is normal, surely? If it wasn't for the fact that your DH isn't in fact her real dad it could just as easily have been "I wish you weren't my real Dad". In terms of real intent it is on a par with my 5yo DS saying "you're the meanest Mummy in the world" and DH, however hurt, needs to remember who is the grown up in this scenario...

Remember how young she is. I have a 12 year old who still sleeps with a teddy bear and sometimes still comes into our bed - but who has told me that she hates me and that she wishes she was her best friend's mother's daughter! Op, you and dh have to be the grown ups here. What exactly does you dhe waht your girl to do?

I'm sorry, I wasn't going to write anything but I couldn't stop thinking about this. Your DD was furious. She was being punished for something she hadn't done, she felt she wasn't being heard and she flung her trump card at your DH. Frankly in her situation I would have done the same thing. Yes, it's hurtful but it's the truth!! How can she have changed everything forever by merely uttering the truth? I think they both need to apologise to each other. The poor kid has had an awful lot to deal with. I understand you being angry and upset but please please don't tell her about the horrific things her father did to you (especially about him kicking you while you were pregnant...sending hugs over that one, that made me feel sick). She doesn't need to know that stuff. Protect her.
I really feel for all three of you. Obviously the situation needs to be discussed further.
xxx

I do hope that your dh can find it in himself to be the peacekeeper here. I teach teenagers and they often lash out with really horrible things but it's not personal and they are sorry afterwards; often though they are not mature/emotionally literate enough to know HOW to say sorry. I often end up having to be the one to seek reconciliation, tell them that whilst what was said was upsetting, I know they are now sorry and giving them a chance to move on. That's what being an adult is about - learning how to rebuild bridges and move on, without necessarily needing somebody to grovel for it.

Good luck.

Not sure this will help but...

A friend of mine when we were both teenagers said something along the "I hate you I wish you never had me" lines to her Dad and her mum's reaction has always stuck with me.

She stopped my friend and said (in that scary mum voice) "I do not ever want you to speak to my husband like that again - do you understand?"

My friend gulped her apologies and we went away but I still remember the feeling of awe about the whole situation and my friend years later said that it was the realisation of her dad also being her mum's husband, someone her mum was willing to stand up for, that really floored her. And she never said it again.

Know that its too late for the OP but thought I'd throw it out there...

I know I said this to my step dad on many occasions, as did my sister.

I am sure he was hurt beyond belief as he did everything for me & my sister. First holiday, lost of days out, lots of treats, homework help etc...He didn't like children, got to a grand age of 45 with none of his own, but took on my mum & the 2 of us girls [5 & 7] with no second thoughts.

We got treated as if we were his children & I know we gave him a hard time. Mainly because at the time we thought our father had abandoned us. How come he can love us when our bio dad didn't? Of course he didn't love us, it wasn't possible....was it?

SD was an easy target, the most impact for the least work. Hurt him, hurt mum [cos it was her fault that dad left...wasn't it?]

But within an hour [or so] each time he came to us & said 'You are right, I am not your real father, but doesn't mean I love you any less because of it' He NEVER put bio dad down, he just reassured us that he did love us & at the time, that is what we both needed to hear. If he had sulked like this I think I would have lost all respect for him & doubted his love was genuine.

If anything, he was more of a father, because he loved us enough to take the crap and rise above it & to this day, even though him & mum are divorced [very badly] he is still someone I admire & respect because he let me be a child while he was the adult.

You will all be pleased to know that when dh came home tonight and went to the shop to buy dinner he asked dd to go with him. Apparently they had a good chat and now theyre friends.

We are all looking forward to family party tomorrow

Pleased that things are calming down at your end. This has been on my mind all day.

But Bashme, have you taken on board any of the things posted on this thread?

that's wonderful - so pleased bashme

Hurray! Glad there's a happy ending.
This might not be the last time that she'll lash out in that way though, so hopefully your DH will be more prepared next time and be able to deal with it straight away.

Fab!