I absolutely fucking hate my life

[pedropony76]

I have a 14m old DD and a 2m old DS and I just hate my life. So many details that I can’t even get into right now but all I want is for their dad to not be a shit dad. All I want is to get some sleep. All I want is to have more help but if I’m being honest, all I want is to not have these kids and go back to my old life.

I hate being a single mum in a one bedroom flat. I get minimal sleep and have to sleep with DS in the living room so we don’t wake DD. It’s such a joke I just hate everything and really wanted to rant. So tired of crying every night and struggling by myself why the world goes by

@stayingpositiveifpossible thank you for all of your help and nice words too, it’s much appreciated💗 I’ll look into that thank you xx

The kids dad was meant to come and see them today so I was planning on catching up on some sleep. He’s just called to say he can’t come because his mum is having work done at their house and he needs to stay inside for the workmen. I try not to be so miserable and so down but it’s just an absolute joke

see also my thread for single parent rights

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4582564-single-parent-rights-in-the-news-and-on-the-ground-ps-i-am-not-a-journo

It's very difficult if they let you down.

The trick is - to carry on with your life without them and not rely on them.

I know that is beyond hard I've had ten years of it myself.

But at least then if they offer something useful at some point it may be a bonus rather than a necessity.

In the end it is THEY who are missing out on their kids.

I like the motton of Homestart 'Childhood Can't Wait'.

(workmen can be postponed, but Childhood can't)

Keep your chin up OP

That sounds so tough. I have no advice but hope that you'll soon be sleeping a bit more. Hang in there

I know you said you stopped him staying over because he was disrespecting you. I get that.

However, I think right now, you should do what you need to do to get some sleep.

Let him come as late as possible, as close to bedtime as possible, and let him do a night shift. Even just one night this week. BOTH BABIES, not the easier one. He’s their father and he’s getting away with bloody murder. You’re on your own with 2 babies AND recovering from surgery.

Try not to engage with him at all. It’s quite possible that he’s purposely acting like that so that you’ll push him away and he gets off the hook. “She won’t let me stay over, won’t let me see my kids”. That old chestnut.

Of course I don’t recommend that long term for co-parenting, but right now your needs come first.

Oh op. That sounds so bloody difficult. Is your doctor keeping an eye on your c section scar? You've really had everything shit happen at once.

When I was your age my partner left me while pregnant and I gave birth on my own. I only had the one but I remember the sleep deprivation and feeling like I was going mad. He also didn't get a job until my child was 10, so all the worry of work and money and housing was on me.
I was in a hole of an apartment, there were bloody rodents.
It was one of the toughest times of my life. Looking back I have no idea how I did it, I was a fucking warrior honestly. And so are you.

It will get easier. Bit by bit, day by day. Slowly you'll heal, your babies will sleep longer stretches, your anger at your ex will turn to eye rolling, you'll find better accommodation. Things will improve and you'll feel happy again.

I have 2 girls with 17months between them and I totally understand how you feel in regards to exhaustion, I do have a husband but he worked full time and I was a stay at home mum and done everything including all night feeds because my husband would have to get up for work in the mornings.

They are now 6 & 7 and honestly they are the best, if someone told me back then that it would get easier I wouldnt have believed them. I literally put myself into autopilot just to get through it but somewhere along the line (I’d say roughly when they were 2 & 3) it got easier without me realising. Now they are so independent and the best of friends, they’re never lonely and hate being apart.

I felt like a bad mum back then as I was always running between them both or not wanting to do things with them because I didn’t have the energy but today I’m proud of myself when I think back on it. As for getting sleep, as hard as it is to do because your always worrying things maybe need done or your glad of a half hour quiet time, sleep when they do (I know it doesn’t come round often with having 2 kids close in age) but take the opportunity. I wish someone could have made me see clearly back then that housework and chores or taking their nap time to make phone calls etc really isn’t priority, you health and wellbeing is most important for everyone. Rest as much as you can, there’s always things to be done just do it when the kids are awake and its better for them in the long run as they learn eventually that they have to wait if you are busy with other things.

My point is, keep your chin up your doing a great job, your a great mum (plus taking on the role of dad by the sounds of it) every mum finds it hard but we make it through because we have to and it’s so rewarding in the long run. You’ll get to the point when you enjoy your new life even if it seems a long time away. Just focus on one day at a time and you’ll be ok.

I do some fundraising for Home-Start because they are a brilliant organisation for young families, offering such flexible support when parents are struggling. I echo all of the other PPs who have suggested contacting HS. Good luck

You’ve posted about this guy before right? That you was still in a relationship but didn’t live together and he would go back to his mums house I’m glad you have seen the light as it sounded like he was taking the piss out of you

I think London zone 1 you stand no chance with getting a council house tbh I would be amazed if you get one

Yeah I’ve got to the point of no longer relying on him that’s why I asked him to leave and no longer stay over. It’s still frustrating but what can I do?!

I appreciate the suggestions of letting him stay over once/twice a week but I just can’t. Him being here is detrimental to my mental health and it just isn’t worth it. I understand he’s there dad and yes of course he should have some sort of responsibility but I’m not forcing anyone to do the right thing anymore. It’s exhausting. If someone doesn’t care then they don’t care. There’s nothing I can do. I just turned 23 and I’ve been begging him to do the right thing since I was 21. I’m tired.

My GP is keeping an eye on my infection thank you. I’ve had two lots of antibiotics and it even healed at one point but because the lift has been out and I’ve been up and down the stairs with the buggy, it’s made it worse all over again. It’s sad to hear a few of you have been/are in similar situations but glad to hear you’ve lived to tell the tale

@BiscoffSundae yes! I’m the same person haha just with a new name.

Do you know what, I was still really trying to make things work but what made me see the light was when DS was in NICU. He was bouncing back and forth from intensive care, HDU and SCBU daily because he was THAT unstable. Yet his dad would barely go and see him.

Fair enough he’d stay with our DD because I’d be with DS from 9-5 but whenever he’d leave, he’d never go and visit him. He just wasn’t interested and I can never forgive that. I’ve honestly never known someone to be a piece of shit. I think the rose tinted glasses came off once I had DS. I realised he’d never change.

I’ll definitely get a two bed in zone 1 it’ll just take years of bidding like the rest of South London!

Just checked the lift and surprise surprise it’s still out of service. Called the lift company and they think it’ll be out of service until the beginning of next week. That’ll make it 4 weeks that it’s been out of use.

That really got me down especially as DD is so bored inside. She literally just walks in circles and gets bored of the tv, I feel so bad for her. Today I put her trainers on and let her walk up and down the landing which she enjoyed but I really need to be out and about with her. My hip is so bad so I know it’s not just be being lazy with the stairs but still.

Luckily my mum will come for DD tomorrow so she’ll have a nice journey and my mum always takes her out for the day which is perfect. I never knew having two kids was so hard. I really wish I just stayed with the one

That infection sounds nasty. Have they given you anything for it?

Do you have one of those stretchy c section support bands?

And you’re really prepared to be in this situation for years while you wait for a two bed to come up, for the sake of living exactly in that location? Doesn’t sound remotely sustainable to me, sorry. What’s plan b?

Have you got a housing officer that can put together an action plan for with health evidence to bump you up in the bidding process?

You might be able to get an independent advocate for this - I'm thinking Rethink Mental Ilness money advice worker, or CAB - def. get evidence from your G.P. to support your housing reapplication. It is a long hard slog that is true but it can be done.

@Aria999 it was horrible! Because DS was in NICU I never rested after the C section, it was hell. I got two doses of antibiotics (no clue what they were called!) and that helped close the incision back up. It’s only because I’ve been up and down the stairs that it’s triggered this pain. If I still have the pain within a couple of weeks then I’ll need to go for an ultrasound but I hope it doesn’t come to that. In all honesty my body just needs to rest. I think that’s what it is.

@Skinnermarink It’s really easy for you to type that behind a screen but you wouldn’t be the one struggling day in and day out because you have NO family around you. I’m not moving anywhere other than South London because I’d have even less support then I already do. If you think that’s a great idea then thank you for your suggestion

@stayingpositiveifpossible I do have a housing officer but she never gets back to me! The suggestion about evidence from the GP helping the housing application, I think that’ll be really beneficial. I also have long term neck and back damage which I had surgery for from when I had a terrible labour with DD. What is Rethink Mental Illness. I’ve never heard of it before

Well that’s up to you but I’m not saying you have to move to a different country. London is very well connected by public transport isn’t it? You’ll be surprised at how many people don’t have the support of their family or live miles away from them. In fact that’s pretty much everyone I know, and I’m in London too.

so yes, I do think it’s a fair suggestion actually but clearly you don’t, so sadly you really probably will be stuck in this situation for a long, long time. It would be lovely if we could all rejoin near our families in the areas we pick, I know I’d like to. Sadly, that’s not reality for many, so we make the best of it, and carve out a different support network.

This is not forever, although it feels like it now. You're fucking amazing keeping going, and don't let any fucker tell you any different. Yes to Homestart, they were amazing when mine were little. Local college for a nursery nursing student placement. Although you can't leave them with the kids, dd will have someone to amuse her, they'll help with all aspects of baby care including doing their washing, sorting bottles etc so it'll take some of the load off you. Also someone else to push a pram so you're not having to use the sling all of the time.

Forget the waste of skin that's their father, he actually doesn't matter and can get to fuck. Now go out there and get all the help that you're entitled to because you're brilliant!

Thank you so much for your kind words @Mabelface 🥲

@Skinnermarink I think proposing a move to a woman who is just saying how little sleep she gets, how little help she gets and how she is struggling to cope is insensitive to say the least.

To say that to someone who is still struggling with CS infection, has a 2 months olds who regular appointments with specialists due to their own health issues is just plain stupid.

Maybe in some months or years, the OP will want to review where she lives etc… But just now I doubt that she needs the stress of mouth somewhere new, nor do I think it would help her solve her CURRENT problems.

Thank you! @SingingInParadise

I thought it was quite patronising to be told how surprised I’d be that many people don’t live near their family and live miles away from anyone they know. That may be great for other people and their circumstances but it isn’t for mine.

I wouldn’t uproot myself and my kids away from all the support I have just so I can say I have a two bedroom flat. I’d be even more isolated and all that would do is make my mental health way worse. My son also has all his appointments here so it doesn’t make sense to move out of the area at all.

I have an extremely large bedroom which fits a king size bed and two cots. It’s not as if there’s three of us cramped in a single bedroom. The problem right now is because DS is so little, he wakes in the night and that can wake up DD. Or DD making noise in the night will wake DS up. As they get bigger and become more settled through the night then it’ll be a bit easier. I can always sleep in the living room and give the kids the bedroom too

Keep going, it will get easier. A couple of suggestions:

1. Have one nice goal per day. For example, walk to the park to feed ducks or watch something on iplayer with a cup of tea.
2. Do one small thing to improve life each day. That might be join a FB group for mums or might be just put on fresh bedding for the living room and make it super cosy
3. Talk, talk, talk. Join groups, meet mums, even sitting in a friends living room moaning for an hour will take a weight of your shoulders.

Don't be tempted to risk bad treatment for sleep, you absolutely can do this one day at a time. You have a wonderful life ahead of you as a threesome, this is just the toughest bit

Take care

Tonight has been extra tough. DD was awake in her cot for two hours refusing to go to sleep. I managed to put DS in his cot as he was asleep but he eventually woke up which means we’re back in the front room. I’ve cried about 5 times and I honestly can’t do this anymore.

I’ve given in and asked their dad if he can go back to sleeping here during the nights. I really didn’t want too but I get some dark thoughts during the night and I feel PND starting to creep back in my life. I don’t want to feel those emotions and I just want to be happy. The lack of sleep is affecting my patience with both of the kids and it’s really not fair on them. I don’t want him back here but I need to sleep more than anything and I can’t do this on my own.

Thank you for the encouragement and I know I sound so pathetic and full of self pity but I just couldn’t do it anymore

You're not pathetic, you're doing your best in an impossible situation. I've been alone with 2 babies since DC2 was 6 weeks old. If my "D"H was still in the same country as me I'd have driven to his place by now and left the kids there and demanded he have them for a while.
I mean, except I'm breastfeeding. But I like to fantasize about making him take responsibility. That's what you're doing. You're getting him to take some responsibility and parent his children.
I'm actually moving back to the UK to just outside the M25 next week to a small flat so I can get 'D'H to do some parenting. I feel sick about having him around me again after 7 months of being able to do what I want but OMG I need sleeeeep and to never again be sat in paeds or the mental health ward with a double buggy being told off by another shitty nurse for not having magic childcare!
And ignore posters spouting shite about getting rehoused outside your zone. Zones 2-7 aren't exactly a cornucopia of free housing (that's why I haven't lived in London since I was an adult), and if you don't have local connections i.e. immediate family or a job there, you've no chance of getting on their lists.
You're doing amazingly.

Apply for CMS who will take it directly from his benefit. If he is at all abusive please report every incident. The council have a duty of care to rehouse you if you are suffering DA, and it does not need to be physical.

The lift has to be fixed as a matter of urgency, please speak to the local fire station about it, it's dangerous not having a working lift. Sending lots of support, kick that dead beat to touch, ask his mum if she will look after the baby 1 night a week to show her loser son how to be a parent .