I absolutely fucking hate my life

[pedropony76]

I have a 14m old DD and a 2m old DS and I just hate my life. So many details that I can’t even get into right now but all I want is for their dad to not be a shit dad. All I want is to get some sleep. All I want is to have more help but if I’m being honest, all I want is to not have these kids and go back to my old life.

I hate being a single mum in a one bedroom flat. I get minimal sleep and have to sleep with DS in the living room so we don’t wake DD. It’s such a joke I just hate everything and really wanted to rant. So tired of crying every night and struggling by myself why the world goes by

so sorry you're in this situation OP. You do sound positive even though things aren't great. I hope life improves for you x

@PeekabooAtTheZoo thanks so much for the encouragement and I’m sorry you’re going through a somewhat similar experience. I hope you’re able to enjoy some time to yourself and get some rest whilst their dad has them!

I’m unable to go through CMS as he doesn’t work and also doesn’t get benefits so there’s nothing for them to take from him. He’s not abusive in anyway, just a piece of shit. Thank you for the suggestion of contacting the fire department, hopefully the lift will be fixed by the end of the week!

My mum is coming round this morning so I can go to sleep whilst she looks after the kids. She’ll then take my DD to her house and the kids dad has said he’ll come this afternoon and stay the night. I’m planning to get a lot of rest in my room. I’ve also made the decision to go to a hotel for 2/3 nights next month just to get some well deserved sleep. I hope that makes my mental health a bit better

Re your Housing Officer. (Which I'm assuming is employed by your Housing Association).

I would suggest trying to get someone who can advocate for you and liase with your Housing Officer, gather the paperwork together and negotiate on your behalf. It is the best hope of getting your HA officer to sit up and take notice your health is a massive challenge.

You can google independent advocates to see what is in your area.

www.advocacyproject.org.uk/what-we-do/advocacy/advocacy-referrals/

There is this one (above) which might be in your area. Obviously you have got your work cut out managing your health right now and your new family. The idea of an advocate is to help you in voicing your needs.

There may be a housing advocate. Rethink Mental Illness also has via their advice service a finance worker and advocate. You might also try the CAB.

Even if you don't think the above fits exactly do phone them and see if they have a housing advocate. It varies according to region.

DD is so bored inside. She literally just walks in circles and gets bored of the tv, I feel so bad for her.

I’ve found that introducing a Montessori approach to activities has been a godsend. They get very engrossed in an activity for a long time, and it’s all about playing independently without the need for an adult. Very handy when you have a newborn to take care of. There are lots of activities you can set up with stuff you already have lying around the house. There is an amazing long list here www.themontessorinotebook.com/montessori-activities-for-babies-toddlers-and-preschoolers/

Some e.gs for a 14mo: turning a lamp on and off, pushing a small ball through a tube, cut a hole in a cardboard box and post in leaflets/scrap paper, water pouring with a few containers, washing toys, transferring dried rice/lentils from one dish to another with a spoon

Another Montessori principle is to rotate so you only have some toys/activities out at a time. The rest you pack away in a cupboard/under the sofa/wherever you can fit. And then every few days/a week you swap all or some. When they wake up in the morning and see ‘new’ toys out the excitement is very sweet. They can tend to get bored/overwhelmed by having a lot of toys out at once, whereas if you have a select few on display they are far more enticing.

I know it can sound like a lot of effort when you are already exhausted, but it can seriously pay off as they learn how entertain themselves

Also you said you have some mum friends, could it be an option to have them over for a play and much needed socialisation with your daughter while the lift is broken? Even better, they could play while you nap with your son.

I think most mums would be so happy to help out however they could with all that you’re going through.

@pedropony76

I really feel for you and I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. Lack of sleep is so difficult to live with.

I don’t know if you’ve explored this option, but how much support could the kids dads family offer? Would his mum or dad be able to babysit occasionally, take the kids for an afternoon so you can have a sleep, or even come help you get out to the park or wherever without having to carry the buggy downstairs yourself.
I know you said your HV wasn’t that helpful, but if you went back to them would they be able to write a letter to support your housing bids? There also should be a team at the council that are responsible for making sure private let’s are up to standard, you could approach them to see if they can put some pressure on with regards to the lift.

That all sounds so hard right now.

Is there any comfort in knowing that things will get better?

The lift will get fixed.
Your body will heal.
Your babies will grow and sleep.
Your oldest will hopefully get some funded nursery hours when she's 2.

Today is still hard. But it will get better. It really will.

Let their father help but don't let him get inside your head. You know he's a pile of shit.

You're doing a great job. Keep going.

Thank you guys for the links and the above suggestions regarding support and things to do with my daughter.

DD stayed at my mum’s last night and will stay again tonight. My mum will then have her again Friday night which will help so much. As of last night, their dad came and looked after DS during the night. I got 8 hours and it was the best sleep I’ve had in a while. I’m looking forward to having another great sleep tonight.

My friend is coming round again with her 6 month old on Monday so I know I’ll be able to get a bit of rest on the sofa as she entertains the kids. I’m going for a night out on Friday with my sister as it’s much needed! I’m just trying to spend time with people I love so I can try and be positive. I know things will get easier with time so I’m trying to not feel like such a failure. Thanks so much for all your help and kindness guys xx

Glad to hear your update! That all sounds good!

Thank you for your help and kind words @Aria999 can’t thank you enough xx

Just come across your thread. Honestly you sound amazing. I've got one child and another on the way and am panicking about the exhaustion despite having a supportive partner. I have no advice but best of luck to you!

Second this ^^

Keep going OP xxx

Many of us understand how tough it is and have been there too. I hope everyone had been helpful to you xx

Thanks so much for the most recent comments!

My mum has said she’ll now have my DD three days a week as she can see I’m exhausted, especially as my son has a lot of hospital appointments. Their dad is back tonight and will stay every night. I’m so happy I can finally get some sleep!

The lift is still out. I called the company today and it won’t be fixed until next week. Monday will make it 5 whole weeks the lift has been out. What a joke

Sounds like you’re doing amazingly well to find strategies amidst all you have been going through.

The lift is still out. I called the company today and it won’t be fixed until next week. Monday will make it 5 whole weeks the lift has been out. What a joke

I think you should seek free legal advice from a local legal centre/university law centre/housing union.

Or if you felt up to it you could get a template online for a ‘letter before action’ to send the lift company/block management company/whoever is responsible. That usually terrifies companies into acting fast. But also you should be looking into compensation, you shouldn’t be paying full rent without a lift.

Section 11 of the Landlord and Tenant Act 1985 says that a landlord must keep ‘the structure and exterior of any part of the building’ in repair, provided that your tenancy began on or after 15 January 1989. This includes lifts.

The Equality Act of 2010 states that disabled, pregnant or elderly people* (‘people with impaired mobility’) must not be put at any disadvantage by the building’s fixtures and fittings:

fixmyblock.org/the-lifts-in-my-tower-block-are-always-broken-dirty-or-unsafe-to-use/

Hi op, just wanted to say I've read your thread.

My son was in nicu during the winter lockdown, despite being born late. He stopped growing towards the end of pregnancy, was induced then emergency c section and was so ill and nearly died. It really affected my confidence in my mothering ability. We then couldn't see anyone because of lockdown. I got really low. I was referred to an organisation here in Birmingham called Acacia where I got some telephone support from a lovely woman. I was never properly diagnosed but scored very highly for anxiety on the pnd/pna questionnaires the health visitor did.

I don't have any magical tips for you. Other than what you have gone through with your son being in and out of hospital is monumental and don't expect yourself to just be able to deal with something like that. It's the worst.

One day the fog and anxiety of it all will lift. One hour at a time it will feel easier.

Ds will get bigger and stronger, your lift will be fixed, dd will start to play more independently, you'll feel less bothered about ex p, your little ones will start talking, you'll get some free childcare and probably go back to work. All this will be like a very dark spot in your distant memories. You'll look back on it and shudder and think how much easier everything is now and how much happier and more confident you feel. I promise.

Sending you a virtual hug and hand hold. You're doing amazing. You're a goddess amongst mortals.

If it’s still broken, find out who your local councillors and/or MP are and ask them for help. They will chase up the shit landlord re the lift

Thanks again for the most recent comments and the links too!

Yep the lift is still broken, really hoping it’ll be fixed by mid week. Everyone in the building has had no hot water as of yesterday morning🙃 we haven’t been given any notice or anything so it’s all so shit really

Oh I forgot to add, I went out last night with my sister and had an amazing time. It was so nice to let my hair down and just live my life. The kids dad is already testing my patience but I’m just trying to bite my tongue so I can enjoy my nights sleep

Wow, I just think you are a superhero. I do not mean that flippantly. I clicked on your post because the title spoke to me. I have had the worst moments of my life since my second baby was born and it feels like it is unending and I will never be allowed to feel rested in my life, ever again. Daytimes are sometimes torture. Feel close to break down a lot of the time because of the sleep deprivation. But, I have a husband who is a very good father. He hears me say a lot that I simply can't understand how single mothers do it. So when I say I think you are a superhero, I genuinely think it. Having a husband around still doesn't mean I get to sleep, because my baby girl screams until I'm in the bed with her and then wants to feed all night long. But, at least I get fleeting moments of being able to get away from them.

Sorry if someone had already suggested this, but, as you have limited space indoors, could their father take them to the park in the afternoon, or even a local playgroup so you could rest and get an hour's uninterrupted sleep?
Are you in the UK?

my baby girl screams until I'm in the bed with her and then wants to feed all night long.

@LaBoda it sounds like you’re having a really hard time. Are you breastfeeding? Have you had any breastfeeding support?

Thank you @LaBoda I really appreciate your kind words!

Sorry to hear you’re also struggling, it really is difficult. Finding time to yourself is hard too and I wish I just stuck to one child!

Luckily their dad stayed last night and stayed with the kids today whilst I sat in Starbucks and had a nice hour to myself. I really appreciate these small moments which used to be my norm pre having kids. I’m really happy to hear you have a supportive husband as there’s so many married women that might as well just be a single mum!

I’m in the UK yes. SW London