I absolutely fucking hate my life

[pedropony76]

I have a 14m old DD and a 2m old DS and I just hate my life. So many details that I can’t even get into right now but all I want is for their dad to not be a shit dad. All I want is to get some sleep. All I want is to have more help but if I’m being honest, all I want is to not have these kids and go back to my old life.

I hate being a single mum in a one bedroom flat. I get minimal sleep and have to sleep with DS in the living room so we don’t wake DD. It’s such a joke I just hate everything and really wanted to rant. So tired of crying every night and struggling by myself why the world goes by

@pedropony76 the judgemental guy upthread's comments have been deleted by MNHQ because he's blatantly goading.

Bless ya hun 1st of all bringing up 2 young ones is not a easy breeze. Have you joined a paydays group (that's how I made friends many single mums ) my life turned round from hate to love ❤️

well said OP.

Oh no! Have you got a sling? They are great for getting out and about and babies tend to sleep so well in them. You can often find them for free on local 'freebies'/parent facebook groups if you post on them.

It was a statement of facts. No judgemental.

I’m also not under the care of the health visitor because I opted out.

Sorry, please ignore my previous posts, I had missed your post explaining, and your post about the sling and buggy and your c section scar pain.

I know you are exhausted but are you able to chase up the maintenance company about the lift? They have a legal obligation to fix it. You are suffering a temporary disability and sound trapped without it. I think the lift is really crucial to your wellbeing at the moment. It sounds like you've seriously been struggling with your mental health, and getting out of your flat is vital.

@pedropony76 - I just wanted to say how utterly brilliant and strong you sound. You have been through so much, it’s amazing how you are still keeping everyone alive and fed. Given what you have been through that is nothing short of heroic.

You sound to have picked up some good ideas. Even a tiny bit of sleep will help. Make the man do some parenting even if it’s just long enough for you to nap at your mums.

Your life sounds so tough - humans are not designed to raise children alone, it really does take a village.

I didn't have any local support so joined the Peanut app and met a local mum with a similar age baby. We spent lots of time meeting up in the park and getting to know eachother, which in itself was a great help. And then after 6 months we began taking it in turns to have eachother's babies to give the other one a break. Our toddlers are now best friends and we still have a reciprocal agreement, each having the pair of them once a week. It sounds like a fellow mum could be a far better support for you than your DCs Dad.

Again, this takes time and energy but is so worth it in the end for free childcare.

I'm sorry to hear you had such shockingly bad support with your mental health. Have you had a look at Pandas Foundation? There are probably also some small charities local to you that are worth contacting.

I know it's hard to do but reaching out to people will get you some support, rest and help you into a position where you can eventually enjoy parenting.

Can your mum stay at yours one night a week with both babies, while you go to hers and sleep? I think that one night would be far more helpful than 2 nights with just your 1 year old

Link for homestart Westminster hope this is Zone 1 (we are south west england)
Phone number on site

www.homestartwestminster.org.uk/

The thing with their dad staying here is that he has no respect. He doesn’t financially contribute towards his kids at all yet he’ll come to my house to eat food. There’s been numerous occasions I’ve asked him to bring his own food because I can’t keep replacing the things he’s finished and he just doesn’t care. I don’t want him staying in my house anymore because he just takes the piss. That’s why I feel like I’ve cut my nose off to spite my face. Because at least when he’s stayed over, I’ve been able to have a good nights sleep.

Can he take the kids out and you nap while they're gone?

@lonelydad2022 then why was it deleted by MNHQ? Goady.

God, from your description, it sounds like nearly all the things that could have gone wrong have.
2 babies so close in age IS hard, let alone when one of them is poorly and needs appointments etc….

I was ready to suggest Home Start but that’s already been done.
I would also keep a close eye on PND. I realised afterwards that a lot of the stuff I thought were due to the lack of sleep were actually PND. So if you carry on feeling really really fed up, I’d book an appointment with them just in case.

Otherwise, in a situation with a useless father/partner/ex partner, what has worked best for me is to, in my mind, cut them out if my life.
By that I mean, I spent too much time and energy getting angry and upset because they were having an easy life whilst I was struggling. When I managed to cut the ties (emotional ties?) with them for good, and stop expecting them to behave like a decent person, it helped.

The home start link has - befriending for two hours a week

plus money support

plus long term therapy on offer - for free

please ring them as soon as you can. if this is not the correct area perhaps they can advise.

I've reported this. I feel really awful language and not helpful.

Does your building have a what's app group, if so could you ask for help on there?

Follow this link to claim child maintenance online:

child-maintenance.service.gov.uk/get-help-arranging-child-maintenance/?utm_source=Referral&utm_medium=GOV_UK&utm_campaign=how-to-apply

It is easy to do and will take ten minutes odd.

Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding?

if bottle feeding I hope you manage to get to your mums for some nights off.

if breast feeding could you look into cosleeping? I know not everyone agrees with it so you might not want to. It’s so much less disruptive to sleep to not have to get out of bed to feed - you can both stay sort of asleep for feeds.

you have a tough job on your hands with two babies. My first is 4 and I have a newborn which is no doubt much easier. But I just want to say that these awful days with tiny babies don’t last forever - soon you’ll be able to access some free childcare for your eldest and then shortly after your youngest too, plus the sleep can only get better. You’re doing a great job single handedly and one day you’ll look back, wonder how you survived and be so proud of yourself and your kids.

Nextdoor app?

Thanks again for all the really helpful comments. It’s so nice to see how much help strangers are willing to give.

To answer a few posts, the kids dad does not work at all so I can’t claim CMS. I actually started a thread a few days ago asking if there’s anything CMS can do if a parent doesn’t work (like encourage employment etc) but obviously they don’t. He also doesn’t claim benefits so there’s absolutely no money CMS can give me.

DS is bottle fed as he needs prescription only formula milk to help him put on weight. My mum has severe mental health and as much as she says she can come over to help, she never does. There’s no way she’d stay here for one night with both kids or have both kids. I’m already super grateful for her taking DD even though I’d benefit more from her taking DS as he’s the one who doesn’t sleep as much as DD.

Thanks again for the Home Start suggestions. I’ve had a look on their website and will keep reading to get more info and will most likely contact them.

I haven’t started baby and mum classes since I’ve had DS because he was in NICU for so long. I also have an opening on my C section incision so it’s really difficult to walk. I have access to many free classes in the area so I will be trying to go at some point. Luckily I’ve made quite a few mum friends who I speak too often from previous baby classes.

I did have a look at Peanut when I had DD but I wasn’t really a fan.

I’ve also called the lift company 121 times, I know they hate me there! They have said the lift should be fixed by the end of the day today and I saw a notice on the lift saying it should be repaired on the 4th so that’s great news.

My mum has also encouraged me to forget about their dad and don’t spend too much energy focusing on him but I find it really difficult. Hopefully I’ll get there sooner rather than later.

To the poster who said they rather be disrespected and get some sleep. I had PND when I had DD and really don’t want to get back to that dark place, especially because I was suicidal really late in my pregnancy. I can’t put up with being treated like shit any longer, I just refuse to

@Jumperoo56370000 thanks so much for this really nice comment, alongside many others. You’re really helping a shit mum feel better about herself💖

keep posting OP you are a warrior

Turn2us have a grant tool which gives access to grants to overcome hardship

It is a bit fiddly to apply for some of them but usually they are a lump sum payment for people in certain situations. Do try...in the absence of Child maintenance it will help to tide you over