Am I silly to be upset with mil for pitting child front faceing in car seat when I asked her to rearrange face?

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my lo is 2. I've asked her since the beginning of time to do rear faceing and have explained how it's safer, prevents death and severity of injury during crashes. She seems hell bent on the idea that it hurts her legs when I've said multiple times it does not after lots if time researching it.

Everytime she has come to give me a lift somewhere it's always front faceing. Whenever she takes lo to the car she goes quick and seems to not one to go there to say bye. A new front faceing seats appaeard in her car, saying it was just another family child's car seat (it isn't) she slipped and said she hasn't used the other one for a while.

Am I silly to be upset after realising shes been ignoring my requests to rear face lo? And knowing she is ignoring my requests and actively trying to hide it Car? Car safety is a huge thing for me and I feel my trusts gone a bit. It just makes me wonder what else other requests are disrespected. I know this may not seem a huge issue for some, so am i being silly.

Unfortunately when you hand over care of your child to someone else you kinda lose the ability to have any say in what happens. Found that out the hard way myself.

i dont know what happens when people become grandparents but all the things they never let you do as a baby/child , well they seem to let the grandchild do it all. Late nights , too many sweets, junk food etc it can be incredibly frustrating as you end up between a rock and a hard place and the people who call you hysterical or tell you that you are over reacting aren't the ones dealing with the consequences of the decisions.

Ultimately she has no automatic " rights" to your child over night. She's your child . Say no. Go back to meeting in.coffee shops and parks etc.

I was ll set to say you were being unreasonable until I read that you provided the car seat. It's clearly all a point proving exercise to her. So end the game.

And how would you feel should there be an accident and your forward facing grandchild suffers injuries on a level which would not have occurred in a rear facing seat?

But again, this is not the issue. It's not MIL's child, therefore it's not her choice. If she doesn't like the rules, she's free not to drive the child around but it's not for her to go against the mother's clearly requested wishes.

I really couldn’t get hung up on a 2YO in a correctly installed and age appropriate front facing carseat being used by MIL for local journeys. If you want to make this your hill to die on then you’re entitled to do so, it’s your child and you have made your wishes clear, but he warned that it will cause a big fallout. Personally I don’t think it’s worth it.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset that she is not listening to you. However you are getting the statistics out of proportion. Yes rear facing is safer but your lo is very safe in a ff seat.

I had this conversation with my own DD as she said she couldn’t believe some of her friends had bought FF seats as they were unsafe.

Unfortunately when you hand over care of your child to someone else you kinda lose the ability to have any say in what happens. Only if you have a toxic relationship with the carer. I would never do this to my children if I care for their children. I respect boundaries. I had my kids and raised them my way. My kids deserve the same opportunity.

I agree if people do not respect these boundaries then maybe they are not the right people to leave your child with.

Well, you are absolutely within your rights to use RF and believe that RF is safer.

You can't really mandate what other people do. If she's using a legal and safe FF seat, then if it were me I'd rein it in a bit.

The other posters who say she can't be trusted etc are a bit hysterical. On MN RF is the only acceptable choice; in real life I've never, ever met someone who has chosen one for an extended period.

Well I never chose RF and neither did my parents or ILs.

By your standards we're all neglectful caters.

How ridiculous.

What does your DH say/do about the situation?

If you've bought her a rf carseat she should use it

I wouldn't dream of doing something with my gc that my dc had asked me not to do, even when I am saving them money on childcare especially where safety is concerned.

I'd tell her she's not having dc if she can't use the carseat you've bought for her

Yes, and my parents didn't use car seats for us at all, and people used to believe smoking was good for your health and give young children cocaine in cough medicine. 🙄

Know better, do better.

I don't get the responses OP, yes you can legally forward face but it is much safer to rear face for as long as possible. This is what is recommended in North America, don't know why there is such a big difference in advice across the pond.

Stop letting her take her in the car

Exactly. I have no skin in the game here, I don't have children, but faced with "safe" vs "safer" with no difference in cost or effort then why wouldn't you. Without the fact the MiL is going directly against the wishes of the child's mother for what? To be obstinate?

Yes I never get this argument. Also unless you’ve been in a major car accident whist front facing at a young age you can’t really comment on ‘living to tell the tale’ can you?

Been there, done that, yes there was a massive shit storm but it was sorted out, initially low contact but never alone with them ever again. They shot themselves in the foot with that when we had discussed our concerns over our child's safety and over-riding us as parents whilst we were in the same room. They ignored it.

And no I didn't use them for childcare.

This is about you specifically telling your MIL a parenting decision and her ignoring it. It is literally that simple. This isn't about what clothes to buy this is a simple rear facing seat request that you paid for and is linked to safety. Your MIL is being a dick. Stop your child going in her car but I would also be questioning what else she over-rides behind your back.

Hopefully your Dp/Dh has your back.

What's your DHs opinion, what's he said to her? I can imagine my other half being like well yeah we would prefer rear facing but......honestly I would think about DC relationship with her as much as she has gone behind your back on something minor. Their so many factors in whether someone will be hurt in an accident even down to the cars involved e.g. DS is much safer in a Land Rover vs a fiat 500

OP, you really need to calm down. At the age of two over 90% of world population if not more will have a child in a front facing seat. You disagree, your child, your rules, but only in your car. You outsource the driving-it is not your rules anymore. If it is really the only issue then I would let it go.

While annoying, your just need to decide if you want her to babysit for you or not. I assume she is doing you a favour in doing so? Over the years you learn that you cant control everything when you are expecting the favour of babysitting.

My 2.5 year old is still rear facing and will be until she's 4+, as per the guidance. I am also very strict on this. It does not hurt their legs.

Your MIL is wrong to go against your wishes, HOWEVER it is your duty to ensure your child is strapped in properly and that you are happy she's as safe as she can be. Blaming the MIL for rushing off is not an excuse for you not to have been doing this.

The only solution here is to stop MIL taking your child in her car. No arguments.

Not at all unreasonable to be cross and upset that she is deliberately ignoring your request and doing so in such a deceitful manner.

You disagree, your child, your rules, but only in your car. You outsource the driving-it is not your rules anymore

Comments like this are bloody stupid and miss the point entirely. So if the child's grandparent didn't want to use seat belts by this logic that's totally fine as it's their car and their rules.

She needs to respect your parenting choice. We rear-faced to four and DD didn't go in a car unless there was a rear facing seat.

Surely you should be taking the safest option of not using the car at all? Any reduction in risk is worth it, surely?

In all seriousness - I don't think she should have done it sneakily but given that you don't drive I do wonder what your DD is like in the car seat. You're asking her to do something that you don't actually do yourself and that a lot of children don't like. I had one who was forward facing by 18 months because he was just hysterical backwards and one who isn't fussed so is still rear-facing and will stay that way for the foreseeable.

given that you don't drive I do wonder what your DD is like in the car seat. You're asking her to do something that you don't actually do yourself and that a lot of children don't like.

In this circumstance then surely the MIL should have had a conversation with the child's mother, rather than lying and hiding it? Betraying the mother's trust really isn't good enough.

Wow I am genuinely shocked by the tons of most of this thread.

You have an interested mil who is interested in your child and wants to spend time with her and you want to cause a thing about somehing which is a tiny difference. As a pp said the bigger statistical difference would surely be to walk in the first place!

Peoples (in)ability to weigh up risk astound me. I wonder if soemtimes when we are anxious (i am on meds for qnxiety so not being cindescending) we hyper fixate on one thing and for some it becomes ff. At over 2 we are talking tiny tiny statistical differences.

I would really nurture the relationship. You see from so many threads jn here people that dont have gramdparents who spend time with their kids. Is this a visit every week? That'd fantastic! The other option is to take her yourself (far higher safety statistically not to use a car remember) and visit together as a family.

This is my point of view too. At 2 years old I'm not sure I'd be too worried between front facing and rear facing - can't even remember what my DC were in at that point. They were premature and smaller than their age for years, so probably rear-facing still but I honestly can't remember.

There are other benefits to front facing though. It can be difficult to see your child clearly if they're rear facing, even with one of those mirrors. The likelihood of being in an accident, and then the accident being so severe that a rear-facing child seat is needed to save their life at age 2 must be infinitesimally small. Conversely, there are a whole range of other things which could happen which must be way more likely - such as putting something in their mouth like a button etc - which would be easier to spot more quickly with a front facing seat.

So when you talk about "safety" it's not just road accidents you need to consider. And I think that there could be potential hazards which are safer in a front facing seat than a rear. Swings and roundabouts. At 2 yrs old I'd say that either option is pretty safe.

But the big issue I think you do have is with MIL deliberately and wilfully ignoring your instructions. This isn't about nanny letting their grand child stay up a bit later at bedtime or any of the other little treats grandparents like to do. This is about safety and MIL deciding to ignore your instructions because she thinks she knows better. Although I think on this occasion there's not much wrong with front facing seats at 2 yrs old, it's not actually her decision to make. It's yours. And I would 100% stop her looking after your child if she isn't doing what you ask re safety. She's doing this in full view - what's she doing behind your back? I have dug my heels in over similar. This is a deal breaker for me.

You have an interested mil who is interested in your child and wants to spend time with her and you want to cause a thing about somehing which is a tiny difference.

So you see absolutely no problem with someone lying to you and agreeing with your wishes then deliberately choosing to disregard them? This isn't about the car seat, it's about the grandparent thinking their wishes override the child's parents.