Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

Why not though?
You're not earning a wage, because you are caring for his child.

But by that standard, you can't be earn as much because your time is taken up caring for your baby. He can earn the same as before because you are doing both your share and his share of childcare. He can pay you to do his half of the childcare, then you will be able to afford your highlights, coffees etc.

Or he could just pay for the things you mention as it would be cheaper than the going rate for childcare.

Or even simpler, it's all family money now. There is no his money and my money. It's family money to be spent how you both see fit.

What would you think was fair if he was ill and unable to work? Would you expect him to fund his own haircuts or lunch with a friend?

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

Why not?
How are you supposed to afford to do anything if you aren't earning as much because you're on maternity leave?

WRT the lunches and highlights; that can come out of your allocated spending money, of which he has the same amount. While you're not working, both of your spending money will be reduced. He should not have more disposable income than you just because you are taking time out of the workplace to raise his child.

Yes you look at the total family budget and once everything is paid, each allocate yourself a set amount of 'fun' money to spend on whatever you see fit. You're going on may leave (& presumably seeing to the baby through the night) to allow him to continue working so yes family money should allow you some treats too - unless he wants to share leave and share the exhaustion that comes with night feeds too?

But by that standard, you can't be earn as much because your time is taken up caring for your baby. He can earn the same as before because you are doing both your share and his share of childcare. He can pay you to do his half of the childcare, then you will be able to afford your highlights, coffees etc

Or he could just pay for the things you mention as it would be cheaper than the going rate for childcare.

Or even simpler, it's all family money now. There is no his money and my money. It's family money to be spent how you both

Its a shame he sees it like that and doesn't see the value of you taking on his share of the childcare.
It should be family money, of course if finances permit you getting your hair done and lunches with friends will be important for you with a new baby. Keep up your confidence, feeling good and seeing people all very important.

But yes, he pays for all of those things

He can pay you to do his half of the childcare, then you will be able to afford your highlights, coffees etc.
You can't have it both ways.
If he's paying all the bills and putting towards baby stuff, she has an av £800 a month for coffee and highlights. If he's paying her for childcare then she pays towards the bills.

My ex-husband and I had separate money when I stayed at home with young DC ( which was what he wanted me to do). He “gave me” money if I asked , and at the time I actually believed he was generous to do this. He had a lot more disposable income than me and was able to make most of the decisions about spending because of this. I had no independence.
( Note that he is an ex! It was never a relationship of equals, and the financial set up was reflective of this).

Now I have remarried. Everything is pooled and has been since we first moved in together, despite the fact that DH earns more than me and that my DC are his step-children. I tried to work it out in the beginning, what percentage of food he should have to pay for, and bills - to make it fair as there were more of us, so he didn’t have to pay the additional costs of DC.

He looked at me like I had two heads and said that of course he would pay at least half at the very least, and that he didn’t want to divide things up as we would share what we had.

It is an equal relationship and we are always a team ( and more recently when I inherited some money, it went straight into the joint pot, because that is just how it is, I wouldn’t have considered otherwise )

It is sad that you are having to worry about this OP. I hope that your DH has just assumed he will make sure you have equal money, and will tell you not to be silly when you bring it up, as he wouldn’t dream of you not pooling your money up as you raise your baby together.

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

Charge him 50% of the going rate for a nanny then and use your wages for haircuts and lunches.

Why should you provide your childcare services for free?
What a total tool, did he miss the part where he married you and you are expecting his baby?

But yes, he pays for all of those things so he pays for all the bills, all the baby stuff and anything se OP wants and she banks her av. £800 a month for the whole of her mat leave?

Oh and the quote by @xyzandabc I quoted was in total agreement.
I forgot to put I quoted it to say they are exactly right

Exactly. If he wants you to stay at home for a year with the baby, why should you go without any treats or luxuries during that time?

Is he going to do the same?

And lunch out with an NCT friend isn't such a "luxury" if the alternative is staying in, crying with loneliness and tiredness over your baby. Sometimes you just need to get out, and sometimes that costs money.

The fairest thing would be for both of you to carry the baby for 4.5 months, taking an equal hit on earnings and pension etc.

Biologically this is clearly not possible so he needs to come from a place of understanding that he instead carry half the financial impact of you not working while you carry your joint baby.

And beyond that. If you both think you being home is right (so he doesn't have to go part time at work t cover his 3.5 days a week childcare) then he needs to equally share the financial consequence of that.

AND on top of that, carry half the cost of the baby itself.

Unless you treat all money like family money and so distribute it equally so that all benefit equally.

All our money has been pooled and shared ever since we got married twenty years ago. Regardless of who is working, how much each of us are earning and how many hours we are working, it's never been a question that we live with equal resources. I wouldn't have married him, let alone have had children with him if we weren't building a life as a team like this.

It’s family money , it’s his baby too , of course he should support you .

And when your child starts nursery is he expecting that to come solely from your income as well?

He should pay for all of the household bills and baby related things, you can use your £800 for lunch and hair etc.

You either have a joint account, both pay into it, take all bills out of it and split the remainder 50:50 as individual spends, (haircuts, treats etc)

Or if he's going to be a dick, keep individual accounts, each continue to pay a proportion of your salary towards the bills, but you invoice your DH £600 a month to pay for his 50% share of childcare for a under one child.

The first option is alot easier!

He isn’t querying essentials like baby things or bills from OPs post. That hardly sounds like "you pay for your baby and half the bills and ill change every fourth nappy"

Yes ! You have made a baby together you share the cost.

He goes to work to pay bills , treats holidays etc while you care for the baby

😂😂

This is Exactly why I wouldn't transfer my SMP to my DH

Yes, of course, Dh paid proportionately more into household expenses than I did as I was on mat pay. I saved the bulk of my money to use for day to day things, fuel, mobile phone, etc, the sorts of things we both pay for individually.

Realistically, finances will be tighter. You will have less money to contribute to the family pot overall, so your Dh will need to pick up more of the costs proportionately, unless you do shared leave and then whoever is working pays in more. It’s a bit of a lean time until they’re 3 usually and you just shuffle things around to make it work.

Wow his attitude of not paying for your hair or lunch is concerning. It should be joint money.

You say you currently both contribute the same proportion of your income for bills etc. so if you are handing over 100 per cent of your maternity allowance then he needs to hand over 100 per cent of his income too. After all the essentials are taken care of the “spare” money can be split 50/50. Anything less than this and you are being financially penalised by your husband for having his baby.
If whatever you are both left with doesn’t cover luxuries such a hair highlights then so be it but you shouldn’t be the only one to have to go without .