Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

Is it not his baby you are having? Erm why would you be scratching around and selling things when it sounds like he could easily cover the bills? Are you going to be a family?

My husband didn't support me through maternity leave, we have a joint account and all OUR earnings go into that, same with savings, there's just one pot. When I went on maternity leave bills were covered exactly the same as they always have been out the joint account, at the very end of mat leave I think we dipped into our savings slightly. I didn't ever see it as him supporting me, I had his children and we are a family, it doesn't matter who earns the money it's our money. I earn marginally more for what it's worth, doesn't make a difference either way though.

Without being harsh this is probably a conversation you should have had with him before thinking about children? P
We have no separate money - both of our incomes go into the same family pot that all bills come out of, and also we both have access to it for spending obviously. There is no division of 'his' and 'mine' only 'ours' despite one of us earing more than the other one. We are married though- obviously I don't think I would feel so comfortable about that arrangement if we weren't but then again I wouldn't want to have a baby without being married anyway- solely down to financial security rather than a moral thing.

Um... its his baby too.

He should totally support you!

All money in one account, then we each get the same amount transferred into our own accounts each month currently this is £130, to do with as we like, presents, non essential clothes etc. you are a team so should share all money. One day he may lose his job or become unwell so would he expect then to live as he is expecting you to live while on maternity leave?

Have you not read her follow up post?

This is half his baby. He is responsible for half the baby's care. Babies require care 24/7/365. He will participate in some portion of that while he is home from work. While he is at work, who will be looking after the baby? You will. Therefore, while you are on maternity leave, he should pay you for doing his half of the childcare during working hours. You should set the rate. I would suggest the hourly rate of an excellent nanny, and (if you are planning to also be the one to do most of the housework while on leave) IN ADDITION, the rate of a housekeeper. This is because if a nanny is caring for a baby, and the baby goes to sleep, the nanny has a break. You likely will not. While the baby sleeps, you will be tidying up and doing dishes. I would also charge him for nighttime care if you are the only one who will be handling night wakings.

Or he could just share his salary with you equally. But, if he's going to nickel and dime you over who is contributing what to the family, then make sure that he doesn't freeload off of you for the childcare you are performing for your JOINT child while he is off working on his career.

If this is not a conversation you have already had, you need to have it urgently and get things sorted properly. Not that you'll be living off 'his' but that you are a family, and have a family pot as such.

Have you never discussed this before?

To add, I recently became the sole breadwinner and I 100% expect to pay for everything my husband wants to do. Sure I don't expect him to buy a PlayStation without discussing it, but I'm not married to a pillock, so I wouldn't even be having a conversation about what he's "allowed" to spend. A marriage is a union of everything, including income and as I say historically women would be kept by their husbands. And my husband will be kept by me, because a) I love him (a relatively new concept in the history of marriage), and b) we are married. The lack of trust your husband appears to have is not the sign of a loving relationship.

But it’s joint money so you should have the same amount as each other. Would he think ‘ooh I don’t have enough money to go out for lunch or a haircut?’

Now if as a couple, your joint income falls so much that you both have to give up expensive extras such as highlights (and he can’t afford the equivalent either) then that’s different.

But you should have a joint account that you both access equally and one person shouldn’t be spending significantly more than the other.

Why though if he wants you to make the sacrifice to take care of your child and is unwilling to do it himself does that mean he still gets all the perks of the money he gets to earn because of that decision and you do not.

You are in effect covering childcare - presumably when/if you go back that will be a joint expense?

You are going to take a hit in doing this that he doesnt want to himself so why should you suffer in terms of your own spending money to do as you wish when on maternity leave

We have joint finances. All goes into one pot and comes out of one pot. Anything that's left after bills is for savings/treats. I don't understand how couples with children can work fairly without joint finances tbh. I returned part time after having DS1 so obviously a drop in earnings. I could have returned full time but that would have been full time nursery fees (again out of the joint pot). We agreed that part time was the best balance for the family as although this does impact my prospects somewhat, this would have been more significant for DH.

If DH is grudging you a haircut or a coffee on mat leave, I strongly suggest you have a serious discussion about finances both on mat leave and when you return to work. I also suggest you have a chat about expectations around practical baby care. It really is life-changing. Otherwise you'll be back here once baby is here, completely overwhelmed as DH "needs his sleep" while you're on your knees because it's "your job" while you're on mat leave. All while you're barely getting by financially. There are a lot of red flags here.

Except in her follow up post where she says he will resent her the price of a lunch with a friend.

I agree with @Nanny0gg - the OP is making all the sacrifices and she's going to have to justify every penny.

If I were you, I'd go back to work asap OP. He is going to resent every nappy, playgroup and coffee. And probably complain that the house is a mess when he comes home from his Important Job.

I can't even compute this question and I'm sorry you're having to ask it.

In the absence of joint finances, (n-800)/2 should be paid to you by him each month, where n is your non mat leave salary.

Then you figure out how to divvy up spending based on however you guys do things.

I'm a man, a dad, and I'm genuinely sorry you're in the position of asking this to MN while pregnant.

When we decided to have a baby we agreed that all of our money would become joint. He earns more than me but now (started after we conceived) all our money goes into a joint account and a small amount is taken out to go into each of our individual accounts each month for 'fun' stuff, it's the same amount of both of us regardless of the unequal earnings.

Yes, baby is a joint responsibility and you're taking one for the team taking the year out of work. Why should you loose out?
After we married we got a joint account and all pay goes into it and bills/spending comes out. So the last 3 months of my recent mat leave I didnt contribute to the joint account but kept spending as usual 🤣

Yes, absolutely the baby is joint as is your joint income. You need to chat about this ASAP and also discuss the first year and going forwards now but ideally it would have been better to discus such things before the conception stage.

I've not read the whole thread but it's clear there's lots of good advice. Children are a joint expense and he needs to pay his share.

FWIW here's what we did. We have always earnt similar (highish) amounts except when I was on maternity and put money into the joint account each month to cover bills leaving us with the same amount of spending money. When I was on maternity leave DH increased his contribution to the joint account and we reduced the amount we saved and used some savings so we still had similar spending money after the bills. When I returned to work DH and I both went PT, he was lucky with his employer that he was able to then increase to FT again each time I was pregnant to offset the loss of my earnings during maternity leave. As the DC have got older we've changed our hours to suit the family and so our FT wages are still fairly equivalent, we still balance our money into the joint so we have similar fun money and we save the same amount each month as well.

We just share. It's easier.

Yes, when you are stopping working for a while to have his child of course he should financially support you!

Yes of course! Is this something you have already discussed with him?

Don't forget there is also the option of shared leave. We are looking at maybe 6months each as he paternity package is really good.

Of course he should be paying for a lunch out or for you to get your hair done-if funds allow! Can he spend money on himself? Can he go for a meal out or get his hair done? He also needs to pay into your pension. Money is often tight when one person stops working, but the available money needs to be shared between you. He needs to stop thinking of it as his money. It’s family money to support a family -himself, you and the baby.

What a tight arse! Would moan if you wanted to go out for a coffee or have highlights? So glad I didn't marry a selfish git.

Of course he does, unless he's a complete tosser.

We don't have shared money but with DS when I thought I'd go back to work we kept it largely proportional. So if he's bringing home £2400 and you've got £800 then where does paying 1/4 leave you? If bills come to £2k that would be £500 for you leaving £300 and £1500 for him leaving £900. I'd then expect him to pick up most incidentals like lunches out, and give you money towards stuff for baby. CB goes in your name.

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

You are contributing towards his share of childcare fees your family would have if you would go back to work. He considers that fair?