Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

We had one pot and I never thought twice about using that money to go for lunch with baby group friends or whatever. Nor did he.

That is sensible Ballsaque, you're not married.

Work the other way around.

How much spare money does he have at the end of the month? Have the same and pay the what is left into the common pot.

You can’t go through all the things you buy ‘for yourself’ and that he buys ‘for himself’ and then decide if it’s ok if it ones from the common pot or not etc… basically letting the other person decide what is ok or not ok for you to do.

fwiw lunch with NCT friends might be the thing that will protect you from PND or overwhelm. Depending on how you look at things, the same event can be an essential or something superfluous. Starting from a point where he could have an opinion and decide for you whether something is essential or not makes me uncomfortable. Just like I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t like you to judge his own expenses for his hobbies/clothes/pub etc….
So either you have the same amount of spending money or neither of you is allowed to police what is or isn’t spent on a daily basis.

This is a joke right?

If things will be really financially tight while you’re on mat leave, then fun money will have to be very limited.. It’s not a good idea to cut it altogether unless there’s no other choice, but not being able to even take the bus into town for a coffee with a friend, or have an icecream while you walk along the beach, or buy yourself a new bra or jeans when nothing fits post-partum is pretty miserable.

OP I'm so sorry to say this, but I think you're going to have a difficult time ahead.

Will you both work full time after the one year period has passed, or will you go part time and have your earning potential and career progress hampered? Whilst raising his child and he continues to further his career?

You need to think very carefully as you are about to cause yourself issues it might take you a long time to recover from.

This man should not get to dictate where HIS money (as he sees it) goes. Why is he OK with you having less money then him? Whilst you're on maternity leave, will he be well off and you struggling? What sort of person is comfortable with this whilst their partner is raising their baby?

So many dreadful red flags here. You're setting yourself up for financial abuse. Please see it clearly before it's too late!

We share money. We each have an agreed amount of “fun money” which we can spend on whatever we want, the rest is shared. We agreed this before we got married and talked about it before DC. If one of us has a big expense that only impacts them then we talk about whether it’s the right time and what we might cut back on to make it work but it’s never an issue.

Equal spending money and equal leisure time is what is fair.

We share everything, and have a joint account, it's much easier. We also have joint savings and savings for our DD. During lean times like maternity leave, we work out a budget and share what's left over after bills, savings etc have been taken out.
We put off having DD for a few years until we were in the position to be able to afford it me being on maternity leave for a year.
I found a lot my new NCT friends were quite wealthy, and there were lots of lunches out and expensive trips, I took a flask and sandwiches!

Is he not planning on having any haircuts, coffees out, drinks with friends, leisure spending etc til you go back to work??

Unless that’s the case, he should be paying for all the NCT coffees and highlights etc!

the other way of doing it is he pays all bills etc and your mat pay is your own to do with what you wish.

it’s fairer if everyone shares everything though.

Charge him for his share of you doing all the parenting then! It is ridiculous that he would begrudge you a hair do or a lunch out while you are looking after his baby whole he works. Pool the money and whatever is left after bills etc..... should be halved so you both have the same spending money.

If he still refuses, I would seriously reconsider the relationship and look to going back to work sooner than a year and make him pay half of all the childcare bills etc...... any man that is happy to see his partner with zero money while he has all of his still as partner is bringing up his baby is an arsehole.

Of course they should. All wages in the pot to cover bills, food etc and split the leftovers 50/50.
He should also be paying towards childcare.

Do not leave your job or sell your car.

It's concerning me that he refuses to take more than 3 weeks off during the 12 months OP will be on mat leave.

I saw another thread today, a woman asking if her partner should be expecting to clean up after himself while she is on mat leave. This is heading the same way.

OP, there's a line in a song I heard.

All the things that we accept
Be the things that we regret

Draw your line now, and stick to it. For you own sake as well as your child.

We have a joint account. This question would never have arisen between us.

But if he's going to be like that, you need to present it like this: you've both had a baby, that baby needs childcare. You've both decided that you're going to do it. Financially, the cost of caring for the baby is the responsibility of both of you. Therefore, he should pay half. Calculate your personal loss of earnings over your maternity leave, and he owes you half of that.

@DogsAndGin

IME there will be problems ahead if your husband isn't willing to support you more. The fact you have to ask these questions demonstrates an unwillingness for him to be financially fair and then this...

‘DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave’

Why?

Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

Then he must put his money where his mouth is, & pay his share of funding that first year.

And by 'share', I mean proportionate to your reduced income during that period.

Given he won’t take shared leave I suggest you work out what he is saving by not doing so and he pays you that.

Anything other than a pooling of all the income and then, after all bills and household expenses, and an agreed amount to savings, then the rest Is split to give equal spending money to each parent. This is not for baby clothes or nappies or activities as these are joint.

having your own spending money to spend how you like, on highlights, or new golf clubs is vital and anything else sounds like financial abuse.

work out how much you will save on child care and charge him his half

and do not give up your job, he really will stitch you up if you become a SAHM.

If you're splitting finances 50/50, then you should split childcare 50/50. Only fair.

Imo OP these questions should have been asked before you got pregnant. Also what sort of relationship do you have where you don’t automatically assume that your dp will step up and bridge your finances.
Just because you’re the one giving birth doesn’t mean you should take the financial hit alone.

Agree with pp why is your dh happy for you to have less money than him when by staying at home you are saving childcare costs?
my dh can be frustrating at times (as can I ) but he’s not a selfish arse when it comes to family finances. Our finances are shared regardless of who earns what.

He isn’t querying essentials like baby things or bills. @Suprima He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

FFS.
The tight git would begrudge the mother of his baby lunch out with her friends?

Does he expect you to forgo your social life, & not go to the hairdresser, for a year, while he feels smugly generous for contributing to the nappy fund?

This man is another dud. Why are there still so bloody many of them? From the moment we married our money was pooled. Kids born, i was SAHM for 12 years. When we divorced 20 years later, assets were split 50/50. Still friends. Kids happy. Both happy

Is this jokes? Perhaps this works for you OP but it must be so hard to be financially calculative with your spouse.

DH said "With all my worldly goods I thee endow"
It has all gone into a joint account. His salary was larger than mine. I inherited more from my family than he did from his.
It was and still is Ours. It financed our children and will be our pension and will pay our nursing home fees and our funeral costs.
Are we unusual? We are not wealthy. A few years it was not easy there wan't much left at the end of month. Both of us had second jobs. Holidays in our rather old caravan.