Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

So many women see the children as “their” expense

Indeed. If the man doesn't want kids, you don't have them with him and look elsewhere for a father. But if you have kids together they are a joint responsibility and expense.

I would prefer it if women stopped earning less than their partners though. It really is time we stopped this patriarchal idea that men earn more than women and so it "makes sense" for women to give up work/work part-time.

As for maternity leave, wouldn't it make sense to take some shared parental leave? Yes you'd jointly take more of a financial hit but it brings it home to him that the baby is his, too

I find discussions like this very sad. Whatever income I and my DH have is just joint family money. Different if someone has a huge gambling habit etc.
If he wants you home with the baby then your money is joint and you don’t need to save and he changes nothing! What will happen when your baby needs shoes, do you have to split it 50/50?

YES
ML is an expense that you should both share.
That means he will need to out more money in the pot to cover for that. Just one, he will be putting more money in the pot when baby will be at nursery!

Fwiw there was an issue in your first arrangement anyway. You shouldn’t end up in a situation where he has some (plenty?) of spare money whilst you have little (none).
You need a full review of finance arrangements for something a bit fairer. When you do that, remember to include pension and more precisely loss of pension if you drop your hours to look after baby for example. Whether you are married or not, will also have an impact (eg if he can comfortably have saving when you can’t etc…)

I am about to go on Maternity leave - my husband will be paying the lion's share of the bills (mortgage, etc) and paying for a lot for our daughter ad-hoc she needs this or that, I want to take her to a swimming group, etc.
Throughout my pregnancy, I have known I will only be getting statutory maternity pay, so have been lucky enough with the support of my DH paying the lions share to save a bit of a nest egg up for the baby and me for treats/days out, etc during my Maternity leave.
So whilst he isn't as such giving me the money he is very much supporting our little family during my maternity leave. If I was to run out one week (I have given myself a set figure each week) I am without doubt he will give me money.

Surely anyway he puts more money into the pot so you both have the same left over to spend?

It seems to happen less no less these days but DH and I have “our income”. It doesn’t matter who earned it it’s in our joint account and we both have access. We both agreed that I would be a SAHM (so long as we could afford it) at least until the DCs were through primary school and we made that work.

neither of us have a “share” of expenses or “my” car. Yes legally the family car belongs to DH as you can’t own it jointly but in reality we literally share everything (except clothes I guess 😂).

should add that all our savings are actually in my name - originally for tax reasons and now because we can’t be bothered to change it and he trusts me totally.

Mine didn't. I had £600 a month income, no help. Massive shock to the system while he boasted about earning £980 a week. Brought us to the brink of divorce. Baby number 2, things were different. I've never really gotten over how much I struggled and how shit I felt.

I despair about this. Family money. Family money. Family money.

... that is unless you didn't conceive the baby with your husband.

If he refuses to pay, refuse to stop work.

DH and I have never had a joint account but it's still possible to have equity. Before we had DS1 I earned 30% more that DH so we added up all outgoings and I paid 30% more than he did. After putting away money for savings we then had the same amount of personal spending money.

But then I decided not to go back to work after DS1 was born and although it was a massive financial struggle, DH was never anything but totally supportive of that decision even though it meant a lot less money and more pressure in him. Surely marriage is about teamwork? Not everyone in a team contributes in the same way but everyone pulls their weight and supports the rest of the team?

Or maybe if he doesn't understand that you can just present him with a bill for half the financial value of all the childcare and domestic work you'll be doing whilst you are on maternity leave?

Wow thank you so much everyone! I didn’t expect so much advice. Thank you.

He isn’t querying essentials like baby things or bills. @Suprima He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though - and you’ve hit the nail on the head - it’s precisely that kind of thing that I’m trying to work out what is fair.

What we did when the kids arrived, was to pool all money as family money. Then we'd pay the bills, for absolutely everything. Whatever was left, some was saved, if we could, and the rest we had half each. This to us was the only fair way forward.

Btw I find it sad that you are talking about husband supporting their wife financially, as if this was something bad and to be avoided.
You are taking some ML for BOTH and your baby benefit. He should want to support that.

You are not a scrounger if he pays more. He isn’t supporting you. He isn’t paying for you to live a life of luxury. That’s not what being equal in a relationship means.
It’s ok if he is paying more. Both because he earns more anyway AND because you will still be working, albeit on a role that isn’t normally paid for - being a mum to a newborn baby, HIS baby.

The fact that you are asking at this stage is worrying.

Of course he should be supporting you AND HIS CHILD during your maternity leave. You are taking a hit financially during your year at home and possibly long term career-wise if he carries on refusing to do anything beyond his 'two weeks' of paltry paternity support. What about the child's sick days? Childminder sick days? Holiday cover? Doctor appointments for child? Drop offs and pick ups with childminder/nursery? The list is endless.

If he's not going to do 50% of all that, that needs to be discussed and addressed now.

Oh and refusing to stop work is not a joke. You'll need that job when you're a single mum

You should both have equal disposable income and leisure time.

he sounds like a selfish cock.

good luck.

Oh come on!

Do you consider this baby to be only yours and he as the father has nothing to do with the costs associated, as a family, of one parent earning less due to caring for said baby?

Or do you see him (as does he) as an equal partner and parent who is jointly responsible for the family finances?

And why on earth haven’t you had this conversation before deciding to procreate?

@DogsAndGin you probably need to both work out what is a suitable allowance for you both to have for a monthly personal spend and the rest should be joint spending or joint savings.

So because you are on maternity leave after having his baby you aren't allowed to get your hair done. Whilst he can carry on spending what he likes?! He sounds like a peach.

It's both of yours' money, though. Sorry, OP, that seems a bit concerning.

Why on earth shouldn't he pay for your lunch?

Could you redo your proportional income thing for bills but based on your maternity income of 800 a month? Would that leave you with enough spending money to enjoy Maternity leave? Better yet, pool all the money, take out bills, savings if there’s any scope for that, money for child’s basic expenses (nappies, clothes, some age appropriate toys) and then allocate the same sensible amount of spending money for each of you to spend on whatever you like no questions asked (clothes, coffee, take aways, presents, outings).

What's fairest is to pool all income, pay all joint costs, including all baby related costs and savings for annual and irregular joint expenses, then split what's left 50/50 as personal spending money.

That's what pays for your highlights or lunches out, likewise he pays for his personal non essentials out of his share. You have less money coming in as a household so it's fair that you both take the hit on the personal spending money.

Why are you querying what the money gets spent on? It's family money. You both get equal spending money. If you don't OP, be very very careful.

I supported myself (unmarried but together).
I bought the house in my name before we met and remortgaged to take out £10k to fund my maternity leave (self employed so just statutory MP).

It was an unplanned pregnancy so I haven’t prepared financially for it!

Absolutely. I wouldn't have married a man who wasn't committed to me and future children. Does your DH intend to feed and cloth them? Or is that your responsibility? How will child related appointments and tasks be shared (when you're not on mat leave)? And are you planning to return to work full time? All questions to be talked through pre-pregnancy really.

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though - and you’ve hit the nail on the head - it’s precisely that kind of thing that I’m trying to work out what is fair.

This is worrying

Does he think it’s fair that your pension and your earning capacity in your career will take a substantial hit because you are having your JOINT child?