Can’t cope anymore

[WorryMcGee]

I don’t know why I had a baby. It’s awful. I fed her three hours ago, did all the things they say like pausing for winding and not over feeding and staying upright for one hour after and none of it matters, she’s still bringing it up and choking. Gaviscon did nothing except constipate her, omeprazole does nothing, she’s not allergic to dairy, I’ve changed formula three times and that did nothing. Health visitor says feed her every two hours instead of every 3/4, well that’s bollocks as she is still vomiting, screeching, grunting and choking now three hours on, so how the hell can I feed her even more frequently. I can’t put her to bed despite the cot being so fucking tilted it’s almost vertical so I guess I will have to stay up all night every night until she potentially grows out of it. Everyone will say cosleep - I don’t want to, it’s dangerous and I won’t sleep properly for worrying I’ll squash her. I just want to run away, I’ve ruined my life. It’s a good thing she has a good dad so she has one decent parent. This isn’t PND it’s just the realisation that I’ve fucked my life up and there’s no going back now.

I know the ingredients list sounds off-putting, but it is really better than your child's gut being damaged because of eating something she is intolerant of or allergic to. Don't be purist about the ingredients. I know with a tiny baby you just want to feed them the healthiest food possible, but this isn't always possible with allergies and intolerances. The damage from a food they react to is way worse than sub-optimal ingredients.

At the end of the day, she needs calories and the right balance of micro and macro nutrients. Where these come from is less important. You can adjust her diet when she's a little older. She has years ahead to eat pure unprocessed food.

You only need to try it for a couple of weeks to see if it makes a difference. You could well find it is a complete game changer. All of the things that are making your life so hard right now could change if you give it a go.

I've been all through this with my DD, who was intolerant of dairy and a whole host of other things, including many fruits and veg, especially all and every orange one. At one point, as a toddler, she could eat a packet of plain crisps or McDonalds fries with no problems, but couldn't eat a carrot or an orange without copious vomiting for days. It was a head-bender and I felt like you do now about the 'crap' she was eating, but it was the best thing for her in her circumstances at the time. You have to play the hand you're dealt.

She's now grown out of most of it, except for dairy and gluten and eats an otherwise very well-balanced and healthy diet.

There's hope. But you must see if it's an intolerance or allergy, or you're stuck like this, with your DD in distress.

Hope you're okay this morning op, you were on my mind and I just wanted to let you know it will definitely get easier. You are doing better than you even know x

My niece didn't have anything that you mentioned either and still ended up with a milk allergy. The doctor changed her over. She's a different baby but it did take them until she was about 8 weeks. She's on SMA prescribed milk now.

I feel a bit better today as my husband practically frog marched me to the spare room at 10:30, gave me earplugs, told me I wasn’t allowed back in our room until 7am and put a chair behind our bedroom door 😂 I felt a lot of guilt (because I had the whole “if you could breastfeed you wouldn’t be able to do this because she’d need you” going round my head) but fell asleep about midnight ish and didn’t wake up until 7 when my alarm went off.

I'm pleased you got some good sleep last night. Hopefully it will mean you're able to review your situation with some sleep behind you and feel a bit more positive.

Try the formula today and see how you go.

He sounds like a good egg. These things can go one way or the other and what's important is to keep talking and looking out for each other.

I really feel for you OP. I would second various recommendations on here after having a similar situation with both my DC.

Baby Bjorn Bouncer, they do a newborn version now.
Carobel to thicken the Nutramigen.
Night Nanny for a week if you can afford it.
Ask the HV about Sure Start, in some areas they have volunteers who support parents who don’t have family to help.
Omeprozole if she’s still in pain after trialling the Nutramigen.
Lastly my DD is on Domperidone and has been from a very young age. It speeds up digestion so that the milk isn’t still in the stomach an hour later, so can’t be brought back up. They don’t like giving it to kids but it’s been the only thing that made a massive difference for us. The other changes gave us small improvements.

I hope the Nutramigen works and I’m glad you’ve found a nice GP.

How are you getting on op?

OP look into Gastroparesis if she is throwing up milk drank 3 hours ago. I was
(probably) born with it but its rare, didn't get diagnosed until I was 20 but it causes delayed digestion and chronic nausea. By all accounts I threw up relentlessly as a baby.

Aww my little girl was early 38 weeks and tiny with colic, argh, those first 6 months were really tough. She was literally strapped on to me the whole time, would not lie down in pram, totally not how expected motherhood to be. It got better at 6 months, put her in her own room, did sleep training as I needed to feel normal ish again and get some sleep. If I ever had another I would probably of five that at 5 months. Only thing that worked for us was colief and colic hold , if you have change Google it. It does get better xx

This is so awful. But it will pass

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this post with support and advice. There’s one post in particular that stood out to me - someone said what helped in the end was stopping chasing “reasons” and accepting they had a sicky baby. This is what I need to do. I’m gonna ramble here so I have it written down to show my GP on Saturday.

I’ve had three nights of uninterrupted sleep and now I feel like I can think more clearly. I think I have a lot of guilt about two things - 1) having a c section at 38+6 because I couldn’t cope with being pregnant anymore (she was breech but I elected to do it then. Now I know her, and she came out tiny, I feel guilty I didn’t leave her in until I went into labour…even though she was fine and had APGAR scores of 10 etc, she’s just tiny) and 2) not being able to breastfeed or pump milk to feed her. Because of this I have fixated on trying to “cure” the sicking up, and as an anxious person who is also a bit of a perfectionist I have ended up down an awful rabbit hole, Googling and stressing and having intrusive thoughts about how she’s sick and it’s probably all my fault. I’ve realised a few things:

• she is sometimes fussy after bottles because I’m not feeding her enough as I’m panicking about the sick. Offering her more yesterday meant no crying at the end of the bottle. She was not in pain, she was just hungry. Looks like she wants more than what the guidelines say and I’m a guidelines person 😐
• she sleeps in the sling because it’s dark and quiet, not necessarily because it’s upright. She’ll also sleep in the day if I take her to a dark quiet room with white noise, rather than downstairs. I have fixated so much on the spitting up that I’ve failed to realise my baby needs dark and quiet to sleep.
• by panicking every time she is sick I am making it worse because she gets overstimulated. She’s calmer with my husband because he doesn’t get the rush of anxiety/panic when she’s sick. He just calmly cleans it up and gets on with it whereas I start trying to burp her and fussing and picking her up etc.
• her skin is beautiful, her nappies are normal and she is putting on weight. The sick looks like more than it is. She’s not allergic to her milk. I am just looking for a reason why my baby pukes a lot and no other babies I know seem to.

Yesterday I tried really hard not to fuss over the sick, offer her more food and make sure she had naps in calm, dark environments. We have stopped the omeprazole, which I think might have made things worse. She barely cried all day. I think it’s actually me with the problem and I need to get help, so I will.

What a fantastic update OP, you sound like you're in a much better place than a few days ago. You sound like an amazing mum who cares deeply for their baby. Wishing you all the best going forward, and don't hesitate to reach out for support from health professionals, friends or family - the early weeks can be so very tough. x

This is a great update OP. It really sounds like the sleep has helped you to see clearer and access the right help and support for you.

Well done op for realising all that. Really really positive update. Breastfeeding is really not something to get worked up about- your baby is fed, if you could have done it you would but formula is a perfectly safe alternative. Mine were formula fed and they are absolutely thriving. I understand the feelings around not being able to breastfeed - been there, got the t shirt.

In terms of the birth - who is to say if you wouldn't have had a csec that your baby might not have have problems? Its not always a straight up choice between a "good" vaginal vs csec. I know some people who have had awful birth injuries and babies were born with problems because they were so fixated on a vaginal birth they refused any surgical intervention. You might have had a straightforward vaginal birth, but you might not (plus, labour is really really overrated. Its boring, and it hurts. A lot.) In addition, some people find that a vaginal birth actually can still cause mental trauma. And the fact she was breech- the data shows a c section is far safer for a breech birth. In my uneducated opinion, you did the right thing.

Your baby is here safe and well because of the choice you made to have a c section. You made a choice based on information you had at the time. How can that be wrong?

Good update :-)

Definitely don't go on the guidelines for feeding! I ff my first (by choice) and neither myself not any other formula mums that o know paid ANY attention to the guideline amounts in the box.

Some of us had babies that ate little and often, others more spread out but drank more. Cow and gate recommend that newborn babies have 5-6 bottles a day. We used around 10.

I tended to feed on demand, but offer if it had been 3-4 hours (during the day only). If baby drank it all, I'd try making an ounce more next time. If baby didnt drink much, I'd try making them an ounce smaller.

When your baby has had enough, they'll stop sucking, so you dont really need to control how much you are giving them - just how much they are offering.

Btw: my ff baby has barely been ill, and is strong and healthy. My bf baby has struggled with weight gain her whole life (not related to supply), and has a very serious health condition.

My third was like this. Only not crying if upright in a sling so I wore her everywhere. Cried when nappy changed or in pram.

Took her in desperation to a cranial osteopath aged 10 weeks and 15 mins later she was fixed. Never cried again. Happy baby

The theory was that her bad birth (cord wrapped doubly round neck and emergency c-section) had cricked her neck and she was in agony.

Just read all your posts and wanted to say you are amazing. I have felt like you, the guilt, the feeling like a failure. You didn't give up, you got some most needed sleep and worked out some solutions and are doing better already. You are AMAZING, really.

And this post made me cry. Your husband sounds lovely, I wish you both the best with your lovely baby. Soon the tough times will just be a distant memory and it will all be worth it. Keep going!

I’m so pleased your feeling better OP. Sleep can certainly be a cure for all sorts! My eldest always needed dark and quiet to sleep from a very early age. I hope you get the support you need and things carry on improving.

I didn’t breastfeed, he wouldn’t latch, and he had colic for the first 3 months. It was absolute hell. I felt exactly like you - I wanted my old life back, I’d made a huge mistake, my husband dealt with it much better than me. One time I pretty much threw him at my husband and ran upstairs screaming because I couldn’t stand the crying anymore. It really is hell, I know, it’s the absolute worst. BUT it honestly does get better, please just hang in there. I promise you once your baby is 3 months it’ll get so much easier. I remember calling the health visitor in tears with him screaming in the background, trying different milks and gaviscon and them not working with the teats, bottle teat flow being wrong, at one point I was trying to make a teat hole bigger with a pin with him screaming and I couldn’t get any milk through the hole!

we used comfort milk which stopped so much coming up and also used omeprazole which took about a month to work. We also used dr browns options bottle with a number 1 teat now he’s off comfort milk. When he was on comfort milk we had to use number 2.

please hang in there!!

Mine were also refluxy. DS1 was FF and it just used to pour out of him. I remember am actual waterfall coming out of his mouth once, was terrifying! We would feed him sitting up as much as possible and also give him a dummy straight after, both of which helped to a point.

I remember going to the sort of baby group where they take the baby so you can have tea and cake and being very nervous when one of the lovely ladies offered to feed him! 'Erm ok but you'll need this massive muslin...'

DS2 was (is) BF. Health visitor suggested I have a fast let down and to cut his feeding time in half. Turns out you can over feed a BF baby as he got a bit better after that.

Both had infacol before every feed. I can't remember when it stopped for either of them. Before they were a year old because they were both fine before starting nursery.

My lovely friends from my running club have bought me a present…huge bottle of Prosecco and what appears to be 8284782891 muslins 😂 oh dear

Once the reflux stopped with mine the snot arrived. So...much...snot...which we're in the midst of with the two year old. So the muslins still get lots of use!

Oh my god, I had to make a mumnet account just so I could respond to you. My LG has reflux and it was exactly the same as yours. I brought mine to hospital and we sat there for 5 days until they came up with a solution. You want liquid lanzoprazole suspension. Not the dissolvable tablets, they're shit and they don't work. The lanzoprazole is expensive, they won't want to prescribe it, but quite frankly, f them.

I know exactly how you feel. I have a 4 week old and it feels like I messed up my life.
Where did the nights go where I could sleep up to 12 hours, go to the toilet, eat and not wake up all the time to clean a dirty butt, being peed on and feeding.