Can’t cope anymore

[WorryMcGee]

I don’t know why I had a baby. It’s awful. I fed her three hours ago, did all the things they say like pausing for winding and not over feeding and staying upright for one hour after and none of it matters, she’s still bringing it up and choking. Gaviscon did nothing except constipate her, omeprazole does nothing, she’s not allergic to dairy, I’ve changed formula three times and that did nothing. Health visitor says feed her every two hours instead of every 3/4, well that’s bollocks as she is still vomiting, screeching, grunting and choking now three hours on, so how the hell can I feed her even more frequently. I can’t put her to bed despite the cot being so fucking tilted it’s almost vertical so I guess I will have to stay up all night every night until she potentially grows out of it. Everyone will say cosleep - I don’t want to, it’s dangerous and I won’t sleep properly for worrying I’ll squash her. I just want to run away, I’ve ruined my life. It’s a good thing she has a good dad so she has one decent parent. This isn’t PND it’s just the realisation that I’ve fucked my life up and there’s no going back now.

She has two decent parents. It sounds like you've tried so hard first at breastfeeding and now to solve this that you must be at the end of your tether. Six weeks is the eye of the storm. You've been at it long enough to get so, so tired and yet nothing has started getting easier yet. You are NOT shit at this. Of course it's easier for your husband, who didn't carry and birth her and is not the one watching her suffer all day every day. It must feel so horrible.

Could you try goat's milk formula? Re: posters who've said an allergy wasn't spotted in their case. I don't think it solves CMPA but my little brother used to throw up cow's milk but could tolerate goat.

Don't be afraid to go back to the doctor and tell them how bad it is.

Have you had any nights in the spare room while DH takes care of her? At weekends maybe?

I want to say this will pass but I know at 6 weeks staring down the barrel of another four months or so of sleeplessness that's pretty meaningless. But don't be hard on yourself. This is so, so hard. I don't consider myself as having had PND either but I was a basket case at 6 weeks simply due to circumstances... and who wouldn't feel like shit with no sleep, and in your case constant vomit to deal with, and watching your daughter suffer? It's normal to feel like you're failing sometimes but you're not.

(Co-sleeping isn't dangerous if you do it properly. Though it is less safe if you're not breastfeeding. Not suggesting you do it at all - I don't think it would solve your problem anyway, especially as you couldn't elevate her safely - but I had friends falling asleep in chairs holding their babies unable to keep awake any more instead of actually co-sleeping because they'd just been told "it's dangerous", and that's much more bloody dangerous.)

Like lots of us OP. The myth that EVERYONE new mother can breastfeed if she just tries long enough, wants it hard enough and is generally good enough is just that.

Can you negotiate with DH that he starts work at 9 a couple of wfh days so you can sleep I bit? Or that once he's finished you get a nap?

Go to the Doctors NOW. You have the start of Post Natual Depression.
Call in help from anyone you can.
Please do not soldier on, it will improve.

Hi OP. Just want to say how sorry I am that you're going through this. I felt exactly as you are feeling and I was diagnosed with PND. As @Bollindger said, it sounds like you are developing it too so get yourself to your GP quickly. This WILL pass although I know that's not helpful at the moment. Take care.

None of this means she isn’t dairy intolerant. GPs and HVs may tell you babies ‘have’ to have diarrhoea/constipation or skin issues for it to be a dairy intolerance, but that simply isn’t the case and consultant paediatric-gastroenterologists and allergists will tell you otherwise.

The only way to rule out a dairy intolerance is to totally eliminate diary for two weeks and see what happens.

She could also be intolerant of other things, it’s not always just dairy, though that’s the biggie.

Are you bf or formula feeding? Or combo?

Ah, sorry. Just seen you weren’t able to bf.

Simple then. You can trial completely dairy free formula for a fortnight. GP will likely cut up rough because of the cost of it, but stick to your guns. After all, if it solves the problem, then it’s a medical need for her and they have to suck up the cost as they would for other peoples’ medication. Or if it doesn’t change things, then they’ve only paid out for a fortnight’s worth of it.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time OP. Newborns are such hard work.

You need to tell your husband how you're feeling. You need him to do the night shift tonight. He can cope and can do it.

You need to sleep. In the spare room with ear plugs and properly sleep.

Then tomorrow you need to speak to the doctor. Have you had your 6 week appointment yet. For all you say it does sound like PND. I had it with my second even though she was a unicorn baby who slept and breastfed really well. It can reach any of us.

Also ask to speak to a dietician for baby. My son has CMPA and used to throw up loads when he had formula. Even if it's not that the dietician will likely suggest early weaning which can help as well.

This will pass and it will get better.

I’ve called a private paediatric gastroenterologist this morning. At least if he says it’s something I have to wait for her to grow out of I’ll know where I stand.

My husband does more than his “share” to be honest. He can only wfh once a week and his hours are fixed. He does everything he can. It’s just me that’s shit and can’t cope. It’s not just the lack of sleep, it’s the knowledge that this relentless cycle of feed and vomit and choking and crying and grunting is going to go on and on with no end in sight.

My husband had a brain tumour 18 months ago and is still on meds to prevent seizures. He never complains or tells me he feels funny but when he’s bone tired I can see he has “funny turns”, I can just see it in his face - he thinks I don’t notice but I do. He tries really hard to hide it and be positive all the time but I see it. So when he’s telling me to go and sleep I’m petrified that if I take him up on that offer he will get so tired he’ll end up having a full blown seizure.

Have you tried anti reflux formula? It really helped my daughter. She kept her milk down and was a lot more settled. Or carobel in her normal formula, thickens the milk and helps keep it down

In that case be assured that the cycle won't go on for ever.

My son is now 5 and although still has CMPA we don't get any crying and sicking.

He was VERY sickie as a baby but the prescription formula (he was combi fed) helped as did weaning. He was diagnosed at 4 months and started to be a lot more enjoyable at that age. We also were feeding less and knew that formula = sick so could prepare for it.

When we weaned it got better still.

Seriously though. Tell your husband how you feel and make sure you get a full nights sleep. Even with everything else, not sleeping will be making it all 100x worse.

That must have been so scary for you. Have you spoken about how that made you feel? Has he shared with you how he's feeling now?

Really need to talk to your GP. I suspect that and the new baby has led to some PND.

Would carobel make her constipated? Gaviscon caused such terrible issues with that and also didn’t stop the vomit so all it did was add problems. She’s been on Aptimel (terrible gas) HiPP Organic (the smell of that when it comes back up was so horrendous we couldn’t cope. Anything it came into contact with had to be washed immediately, it could make a whole room smell of rancid cheese, I’ve never smelt anything like it) and now Kendamil Organic, which she really seems to like drinking and doesn’t smell offensive at all when it comes back up, just like normal baby sick.

Fair enough op, sounds like he's doing all can.

But honestly, I know you won't believe it but you aren't failing. You're tired, you're fun of hormones, you're adjusting to a new life. It takes time and this is a really hard part.

I remember at 6 weeks it feels like it will be like that forever and that makes everything feel worse. It really really won’t be like this forever. It does sound like a dairy allergy, I hope the private dr gives better advice. Have you got anyone else who can come and take her for a couple of hours?

@Twizbe we do talk about it, and he has admitted that he has felt “twinges” occasionally recently. Scans are clear, so it’s the scar tissue, meds and tiredness causing it. He never ever complains or uses it as a reason not to share the load which makes me feel even more terrible when I have no reason to be coping this badly.

Actually the reason we have a baby is because when he found out he had the tumour, he was surprised to find that when he thought he might die he regretted not having had any children. I was on the fence, but him changing his mind changed my mind and we decided that if he didn’t die we’d have one. When he got an all clear I got pregnant really quickly and here we are. Thank god we said we’d only have one.

Brilliant that you’ve called a paediatric gastroenterologist and got the ball rolling. We didn’t do this until DD was 10 weeks, as I was trusting the GP fob offs till then, so you’re way ahead of us in getting help for your child.

I can remember the days when we were in it and I too felt like I wasn’t coping. The truth is it is a very, very hard position to be in. It’s difficult enough in the early days with any baby, but when you’ve got reflux in the mix it’s like that only squared.

You are not shit. You are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation.

I know it feels like there’s no end in sight, but there is. You are getting help for DD. She won’t be this little for long and they really improve as they get bigger, even if they don’t get over the intolerance (though many do). It’s just hard to see when you’re in the middle of it. In a short while, though, you’ll be looking back relieved things have changed and realising how short this time was. That said, it sounds like it would be a good idea to chat to your GP about how you’re feeling.

Glad you're getting advice professionally.

Would a generic Anti-reflux one be worth a try? Carobel never worked for us, strickly a gsviscon family but I know it has for other people.

I wouldn't rule out cmpa even if she's not presenting with many symptoms. I think I read somewhere that it can not show much in some babies. Your private consultation is a good idea. Keep the ball rolling with that.
Also, just an observation...if she was breast/combi fed for a month then on formula for the rest and you've tried 3 different formulas that's a lot of change for her little tummy.

I would push for a cmpa formula and stick it out for at least three weeks. I would also be getting an appointment for yourself to discuss the possibility of pnd. Do you have a sling you can keep her in? Also you can get newborn inserts for buggy's so you could switch her from the carry cot so she can sit upright a little? I switched my reflux'y son at 10 weeks because he hated the carry cot.

it's bloody awful isn't it. please don't beat yourself up re breastfeeding. the trauma of this stays with people through life (we didn't try to have another child for 6 years after our first because of the same situation) - I am so sorry for you. It WILL get better. But it is horrendous. People wouldn't have babies if they knew what it could be like - I guess that's the miracle of life blah blah. SYMPATHIES.

does anyone know why it’s worse at night? She doesn’t seem to do the clear fluid gurgling choking thing in the day in her bouncer or carry cot propped up on books, it’s just normal vomit that flows out. I could cope better with that as it’s mainly a laundry problem. It’s the high pitched noises, grunting, gurgling, choking and being unable to be put down at all at night that I can’t deal with. As soon as I put her down I see it rising up in her throat

@WorryMcGee I've been there. Believe me. It's really hard. I know.

If I'm honest, it does sound like PND. I didn't want to admit it myself. Lack of sleep and exhaustion is terrible. You will come out the other side of this. And when you look back you'll hardly recognise that this was you.

Hi
I know what you're going through. Both my kids had terrible reflux. I did breastfeed but it was hell and I switched to mixed feeding which saved my sanity and think in hindsight maybe switching to formula would have been even better. Please don't feel bad about that.

My eldest daughter saw a paediatrician and eventually a gastroenterologist. I wasn't taken seriously as it was my first baby but she threw up all the time. Couldn't lie flat. I was covered in sick. Couldn't go out to meet people for a coffee as she'd just vomit everywhere. In the end they put her on a big dose of Omeprazole, combined with ranitidine, domperidone and useless gaviscon. The Omeprazole worked in the end but it took a while. She had to have blood tests every week to check liver function as the dose was high.
But we were terrified of cot death so kept putting her to sleep on her back. It didn't work. She didn't sleep at all. Screaming and vomiting and funny noises.

Unfortunately she had it for a long time and ended up sleeping upright in a maclaren quest in the bedroom as it was the only way she could sleep. I once fell asleep leaning against the wall. I got very very depressed. I didn't have another baby for 5 years as it was so shit. My second also showed signs of reflux at two weeks but the experience was much better as I knew more about it. So we had reflux wedges everywhere. Under the change mat, under the play gym, under the pram mattress etc. I also used some special rolls that enabled her to sleep on her side while stopping her rolling over on to her front. I was nervous but she was fine and slept much better. We also tilted the big cot when she was bigger and I had a strap that meant she could be strapped to the mattress so she didn't roll down and hang her head with such a big slope.

My experience taught me that position is everything. And the experts said the same.
I got as much support as I could. She needed holding upright after every feed for about 45 minutes. It was like trying to hold a drink in a martini glass. One slight tilt and she'd spill vomit. So I asked for help from anyone who would be willing. You have to take shifts at it when it's this hard as it's a complete war.

But it does get better. I now have two healthy older children but I can still remember the dark days when they were little. No one understands unless they've had a similar baby. All my friends moaned that their babies woke every 2-3 hours when I would I have given my right arm for that much peace.

My tips would be seek as much specialist advice and meds as you can get as soon as possible. Don't be fobbed off by GPs and health visitors. CMPA was suggested with my kids but they tested at the hospital and she was fine. It was 'just' horrible reflux.

Buy as many props as you can - wedges, things to help keep the baby upright.
Take a break whenever you can and get away from the screams. Don't sit at home listening to them. It's really shit but it will get better. Our gastroenterologist told me that our daughter was one of the worst cases he'd seen but she got better. I was fobbed off a lot for months as a new mum and with my second we got help much faster as I knew what I was talking about.

Good luck!

@formerrefluxmum thank you for replying. I feel complete and utter despair. Just changed her nappy and it’s all come flying out/gurgling in the back of her throat and she last ate three hours ago. It’s pointless. Everything is utterly pointless

@WorryMcGee Would you consider showing this thread to your DH, or if you didn’t want to worry him another trusted friend or family member? As lots of PPs have said feeling like this is likely totally reasonable given the worrying time you’ve had and the horrors of sleep deprivation. On the other hand it could be the start of PND and talking about it someone who knows you might help to think about this.

Use all the supports you have, personal to see if anyone can help you and DH get some sleep and professional to support your baby to feel better and check that you are as ok as you can be. Your GP, the health visitor. They’re all mean to be there for you so please access them if you can (I know the NHS can be crap and so it’s good that you’ve been able to seek additional support too).

A lot of us have been in the pits in the early weeks (I cried hysterically at the lactation consultant for an hour about giving up breastfeeding, a fact that now mystifies me) and I think your posts have really struck a chord because it is such a difficult time. It does get better I promise but it’s so shit at the time. You can do this but you need and deserve help.