Can’t cope anymore

[WorryMcGee]

I don’t know why I had a baby. It’s awful. I fed her three hours ago, did all the things they say like pausing for winding and not over feeding and staying upright for one hour after and none of it matters, she’s still bringing it up and choking. Gaviscon did nothing except constipate her, omeprazole does nothing, she’s not allergic to dairy, I’ve changed formula three times and that did nothing. Health visitor says feed her every two hours instead of every 3/4, well that’s bollocks as she is still vomiting, screeching, grunting and choking now three hours on, so how the hell can I feed her even more frequently. I can’t put her to bed despite the cot being so fucking tilted it’s almost vertical so I guess I will have to stay up all night every night until she potentially grows out of it. Everyone will say cosleep - I don’t want to, it’s dangerous and I won’t sleep properly for worrying I’ll squash her. I just want to run away, I’ve ruined my life. It’s a good thing she has a good dad so she has one decent parent. This isn’t PND it’s just the realisation that I’ve fucked my life up and there’s no going back now.

Just changed her nappy and it’s all come flying out/gurgling in the back of her throat and she last ate three hours ago

Has any doctor checked that her throat doesn't have a physical problem/blockage?.

Wow you have had so much to deal with it's amazing how your holding it together so well. You have done six weeks just hang on another 6 weeks and it's likely this will be a distant memory. I get your worried about sleeping and letting your husband take the reigns but could you try a little 20 minute nap to start with? Your hormones are everywhere you haven't ducked your life up this is the hard bit that's why they call it the fourth trimester. The responses you get off your baby in a few weeks and the joy you will get from that will make the way your feeling a distant memory

OP I don’t have tonnes of advice but I just wanted to say this was 100% me with DD just under 2 years ago. I posted in here in full despair. She didn’t eat, she didn’t sleep, she was so unhappy, I felt like I’d ruined my life, my relationship, that everything was going to be shit forever. It isnt, not by a long chalk. Slowly, without my really being aware of it, everything got so much better when one day the sun was shining and I remember distinctly thinking ‘ok, right now everything doesn’t feel shit’. And then that feeling grew and grew and now hanging out with her is my favourite thing in the world, she’s the love of my life tbh.

I had DS just under 2 weeks ago (not planned pregnancy as I don’t think I could have faced it again so soon if it hadn’t happened accidentally) and it’s made me realise a couple of things:

1. Feeding. Oh my god, DS just… feeds. He just knows what to do. Sometimes he has a little bit of spit up but that’s it. I suddenly realise that DD’s epic vomits straight after every feed weren’t normal, that some babies just ‘get it’ and others don’t and the most important thing is… it wasn’t me! It wasn’t anything I wasn’t doing right or was doing wrong! It was just the baby I got first time around, and this time I’ve got one that doesn’t have any feeding issues. I genuinely thought I’d just been shit at feeding her, settling her etc, I can’t tell you how healing it is to realise that it was just pot luck that she wasn’t a kid who took to feeding. And fwiw I felt very, very dark about not breastfeeding any more and she’s the picture of health, I wish I could go back and forgive myself - it wasn’t my fault.
2. Loving them and being able to power through. Don’t get me wrong, I love DS to bits, but it’s a primal thing at the moment - I want to keep him alive. I don’t know him like DD, we’re not best pals yet, we’ve only just met. It’s soooo normal to not feel like the sacrifices are worth it for them yet - like giving up your whole life for this tiny howling thing seems a really unfair trade. It will come.

Please just give yourself a hug and, while you’re gritting your teeth and surviving this bit, don’t let yourself feel bad about any of it. You’re doing a fantastic job in really hard circumstances, anyone would feel like giving up at this point. You’re not failing, you’re trudging on, and I promise you’ll get there.

OP, I can't offer advice on your specific feeding issues as I haven't experienced those. But we had other feeding issues (tongue tie that couldn't be snipped because of Covid restrictions) that made our first 6 weeks absolutely horrendous. So I can relate in many ways to how you're feeling. I honestly felt like I wasn't going to survive I was getting so little sleep. I definitely had thoughts of what the hell have I done. I used to dread night time knowing I would be awake all night. There were definitely times when I felt I couldn't do it anymore. So please know that you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way.

BUT things did improve and they will for you too. In the meantime, ask for help, tell your GP/health visitor how you are feeling, see if there are local support groups.

DTs had awful awful reflux. It was reflux of prematurity and definitely not allergies. Some things that helped that I haven't seen mentioned yet:

Don't shake the formula to mix it, swirl it. Less air gets in that way.

I'm not sure what dose she is on but time it to around 45 mins a feed so it has time to take effect. Obviously won't be every feed but try and time it that was for the number of doses she is on.

GPs start off on the absolute lowest dose they can, go back and ask for it to be increased. As she puts on weight you will need to keep getting in adjusted. Mine were medicated until just turned one. They had domperidone too but I don't think they prescribe that anymore.

Does your buggy not tilt or can you put a wedge in it. Our bassinets tilted up and it was a life saver being able to walk them around.

Layer cot mattress / bassinet mattress with muslins, loads of them, so you can just whip them off when she is sick and avoid having to change the whole thing.

We had cot wedges as well as tilting the head of the cot mattress.

I wouldn't change formula now until you have seen the consultant.

Hope things improve OP, you sound like your doing a great job! Your DD is still so little and they change so quickly, so hopefully your out of the worst soon. Although when I was in the thick of it, I never thought it would let get easier and the weeks / months passed by. DD is 18mo now and things have started to get better.

I would visit the GP and ask if they have considered pyloric stenosis. My DD was referred to PEDS and her stomach valve wasn’t working correctly, but was investigated by pyloric stenosis initially. She used to projectile vomit a lot. We had tried omeprazole (helped a little), and gaviscon made it worse.

I want to give you a huge hug and a large cup of tea.

Have a look to see if NCT do a bumps and babies group near you.

I know you probably feel that going out is the hardest thing in the world right now, but these groups can be a godsend. Mine was a life line. It didn't matter if baby slept, screamed, sicked through the group. The volunteers were there to listen, give tea and help hold baby so you could have a break and unload a bit.

There are some tips here we haven’t tried yet, thank you.

Even wedges don’t stop it, honestly she has to be upright - we have wedges in carry cot and her bedtime cot is tilted so much that she has to be clipped in to stop her sliding. She is too small for newborn inserts in buggy, too small for her ergobaby carrier and only just got big enough for the bouncer chair (literally three days ago) she was breech and came via c section at 38+6 - only 6lb 6 to everyone’s surprise and lost weight when I was trying to breastfeed. She has only started gaining properly since we started formula feeding permanently two weeks ago. She is 7lb 7 now.

She was checked for pyloric stenosis and they don’t think it’s that. A family friend had a child with that (she’s also a nurse) and she doesn’t think it’s that either as the vomit is not projectile and doesn’t happen if you press on her tummy.

I sobbed at the health visitor who has recommended carobel, so waiting for gp to call me back.

No other practical advice as the other fab MNs have said it all. Just wanted to send you many hugs and promise you that the vast majority of what you're feeling is due to sleep deprivation. It's used as a form of torture for a reason. I used to hallucinate and sleep walk with a pillow as a baby when I was awful with first (nonsleeping) DS. I managed to get it sorted at about 10 weeks with him thanks to a vastly experienced health visitor, and it made such a huge difference that I went on to have 2 more. Let your DH help and give yourself a break from any guilt - this will all pass, I promise. xxx

Can I just say I was you 3 weeks ago.

Our daughter is 14 weeks old now and she was exactly like your baby until she was 11/12 weeks old.

One particular day it was so bad, she had been screaming for 8 hours nonstop so we took her to A&E.

I even made a post on mumsnet about it under a different username.

My husband and my mother couldn't cope with her screaming, so they took care of my toddler, while I had to deal with the screaming baby all by myself.

It was a very hard time. She spat up so much milk and was so uncomfortable. Gaviscon and anti reflux powder didn't help.

Sling, fresh air and being driven in the car helped a bit, but not much.

In the end it was around the 3 month mark when it got better.

Believe it or not, but she sleeps between 6 to 8 hours a night now!

She still screams occasionally, but nothing like she used to and overall, she's such a pleasant baby now.

So hang in there, it will get better for you! I didn't think it would get better for us, but in the end it was time that made her better. xx

My youngest was like this, she couldn't lay flat and even if her milk didn't come straight back up I would be watching over her to make sure she didn't choke. It's very very hard but it did pass by about 3 months.
Has she been checked for tongue tie? I wonder if a prescription milk from the doctor would help, or different bottle teats.
Sorry if already been suggested I only skim read replies. Hang in there Op it really will get better

Also cranial osteopathy helps some babies. Might be worth a look at.

I took her to a cranial osteopath last week, it didn’t help and I was so desperately hoping it would ☹️ we are using MAM anti colic bottles with the newborn teat, and infacol to help burps out. I was a bit sceptical about the infacol but I fed her earlier without it and couldn’t get any wind up at all. Probably going to pay for that stupid decision later but oh well. Currently wandering aimlessly around in the rain with her in the sling. At least the dogs are happy.

Oh she was checked for TT during the breastfeeding struggles. Two practitioners said no, one said very minor posterior TT not worth snipping (and she would have been paid to snip it so it really mustn’t have needed doing)

No it never made my daughter constipated nothing like gaviscon

I named our bedroom the Torture Chamber when our twins came along. It was utter torture, one had colic and the other horrid reflux where she was hospitalised because it was so bad. I was up and down like a yo-yo all night long feeding, winding, patting and sticking dummies back in. All fucking night long. It will ease off and I promise you’ll make it out the other side.

I won’t make it to three months. I will lose my fucking mind before then. I’ve made such a bad decision and there’s no going back now.

OP, you're in the trenches and it's hard fucking work but you are right that there is no going back, so it's a case of making your life as easy as you possibly can right now while things are at their toughest.

You need to speak to your GP. You say it's not PND, but some of things you're saying are classic signs of PND. You and your husband need to sit down and work out a routine that means you get some rest and time away and that also looks after his health. And hard as it is, you need to accept that in the short-term, things are going to be shitty and hard work because having a newborn sometimes is.

Every person who has gone through the newborn phase knows that it doesn't last, but it feels like it's never-ending when you're in it. But it isn't, it's a few weeks/couple of months out of your life and although it's exhausting and consuming, it's not how your life will always be.

Speak to your GP, speak to your husband, take each day as it comes, and accept that things are just shit just now. They won't always be, but for now they are and you just have to push through until they're not.

Every single word you've posted - every SINGLE word was me 6 years ago.
I genuinely didn't think I'd survive. I couldn't comprehend how I was going to get through it.
It does get better. I promise you, it does. I know that doesn't help to hear right now. So many people used to say "it won't always be like this you know". No shit Sherlock, but it's like this now and it's absolutely impossible.

All I can say is, this is the very worst. It's utter hell. But everything that comes later feels SO MUCH easier in comparison. When you finally, eventually get some sleep and can think straight again, whilst all the other parents are complaining about tantrums and potty training etc you'll think meh, it's all fucking easy in comparison to what I've gone through. You're doing the hard yards now and you have my every sympathy. I know it doesn't lessen how indescribably difficult everything currently is for you, but I promise you aren't the only one going through this and you will survive.

Please go see a GP though. I was started on medication and I think without it I would have ended up sectioned or something!

This was me a few months ago :-( now diagnosed with CMPA.
Baby had clear skin, normal poop, fed fine. But big vomits, every single day. My baby was breastfed and at 4 months I went vegan and it stopped overnight. CMPA has now been diagnosed by an allergist and my baby can have either breastmilk with me on a diet completely excluding dairy or an amino acid based formula. (He was confirmed CMPA through both a patch test and supervised reintroduction of dairy, at which point the vomiting would start again, it was brutal.)

I got nowhere with GPs and health visitors and tried gaviscon, etc. it just made the vomit chunky and my baby still deeply unsettled. He was also reviewed for pyloric stensosis, so it sounds like a similar care path to you.... Because he was otherwise healthy they just did not care that we were falling apart at the seams.

Please try an amino acid based formula: alfa amino, neocate, nutramigen puramino, etc... If it is CMPA, or a lactose intolerance, moving to these will confirm it very quickly and you'll see an improvement within days. These formulas have nothing that should upset your daughters stomach and I wouldn't want you to have to suffer any longer, in case it is something solvable. (As an aside, whilst these formulas are pricey if you try it and it does solve the issue, discuss with your GP and they'll be able to provide a prescription for them.)

If they don't help, then I am so sorry, reflux is awful. Sad baby, sad parents.

You haven't ruined your life, its just really hard right now, you are in the middle of something awful. Please reach out to friends or family to give you a break for a few hours or even an overnight if you are comfortable with that. No shame in needing help.

DC2 was like this and we ended up weaning early (16 weeks) which seemed to solve most of the problems. I remember ticking the days off until I could get to that point because it was so difficult.

I have no advice (we used to put baby rice in the milk to thicken it up, which helped, but that's a massive no-no) but just wanted to say that you're not alone.

You are living my life that I was living up until 2 weeks ago. On the verge of a serious breakdown with times where I’d scream at my partner to take our baby out of my sight because I could not bare it anymore. It was absolute torture.
I’d dreamed of breastfeeding and did everything you did to have it all come to a crashing halt less than 2 weeks in because my baby was constantly screaming in pain and I was so so exhausted and alone most of the time because my partner had to go back to work, I never had chance to recover from an awful birth let alone build up a milk supply and look after a newborn.
Turns out he has a milk allergy. He didn’t have many of the classic symptoms either but after a stint on Nutramigen where things improved initially and now we’re on Puramino, it’s like having a different baby. He’s finally off the gaviscon he was put on at just 10 days old (we now thicken with carobel), we’re weaning him off omeprazole and there’s minimal sick now after every feed. Also NUK bottles with a LATEX teat were a game changer for us. I’d tried A LOT of bottles and was honestly throwing money at things left right and centre to find a solution and these cheap bottles have helped with his wind no end.
you will get there I promise and things will get better although it might not seem like it now.
I now look at my much happier, very smily baby with absolute joy. There’s still a lot of hard times and I’m still working on my anxiety that has built up over the last 3 months but I can see light at the end of this incredibly difficult tunnel and start to enjoy my beautiful baby.

I know exactly what you're going through
It drove me insane when people would say keep her upright for 20 minutes or have you tried a wedge

She needed to be upright and I mean bolt upright every second of every day for the first 3 months otherwise she would choke and stop breathing.
I felt like no one understood, we slept on shifts with one of us holding her absolutely straight upright, we couldn't even recline.

And then one day I realised she wasn't as unhappy and she managed being reclined
She still won't lie flat, she's 6 months, on a high does of omeprazole and has reflux symptoms but NOTHING like thos first 3 months

Sending solidarity ❤️

Why is everyone diagnosing PND? It’s just as much normal depression. The sleep deprivation and endless screaming of a baby can cause that. OP could you pay a maternity nurse for a few nights? My heart goes out to you. It’s just dreadful.

I’ve just tried feeding her and it was impossible. 30ml and didn’t want any more so back in the sling she went and she’s just vomited in there as we walk up to the GP to probably be told for the umpteenth time that she’ll grow out of it