Can we stop forcing children to give and accept hugs and kisses?

[Pleasecreateausername]

Just a bit of a rant really. Does anyone else feel the same?

We don't want our DD who is 3 to be forced into giving or accepting hugs and kisses. We say that it's her body and her choice. It's just frustrating as I feel like this boundary is challenged almost daily and on most occasions emotional blackmail is used to get the hug e.g 'I will cry if you don't cuddle me'. Many times, the 'no' is not accepted and they just cuddle and/or kiss her anyway.

Our DPs definitely think we are being over the top - but how can a child navigate keeping themselves safe and understanding consent when they don't have a choice in the matter.

Any advice about how to make this boundary clear and accepted by people who clearly think we are being 'over the top'? I don't want to have to speak for DD, I want them to respect her when she says no.

I completely agree with this. I've always been a firm believer in never making my DD hug or kiss anyone (myself and her Dad excluded, never forced obviously but I mean we would ask for one) If she wants to wave goodbye, that's absolutely fine. I'm not a hugger generally myself so the thought of making her do it feels so gross

If my dd doesn't want to hug/kiss people she will usually agree to blow a kiss instead and no-one appears to have an issue with this.

Agree completely, never thought about it with my adult dc but ds is autistic no way is he hugging anyone he doesn't want to. And really children should be taught from a young age, their body their choice.

Totally agree with you. It’s awful when adults try to force small children to receive or give hugs and kisses.

Thankfully our family respected this boundary. They found us a bit odd at first, but they knew better than to say anything or lay any guilt trips. I had no qualms about launching into a lecture on body autonomy or the patriarchy in front of my 2 year old to set an example for her.

Before I had a daughter I was such a quiet, shy person, even with my family, but the second I see her boundaries being pushed or sexism being reinforced in the family, I found myself unable to keep quiet.

tldr: start lecturing them about consent every time it happens and they will stop. Plus your dc will get a good example of standing up for herself/hisself

I agréé, too. I also hâte seeing an adult kiss a child on the lips.

Is it a cultural or class or regional thing, my children are older now but no one ever tried to hug or kiss them and no one in my family has ever done that

YANBU. This is the only thing I have really ever had stern words with MIL about, TBH.

My own have grown up not giving hugs or kisses until they were older and if they did it was entirely their choosing/decision. I occasionally would comment how when little, I hated people who expected hugs and kisses and was drawn to those who didn’t try to hug me. I never seemed to need to repeat this.

Well, if you have people in your family who do that, then yes, explain it to them and ask them to stop.
But don't make it seem like a society thing.
Not something there has ever been an issue with in our families.

As the non parent in this scenario, I am very uncomfortable when parents insist their children hug or kiss me. I don't think children should ever be coerced to show affection to adults for a host of good reasons.

Yanbu at all. My dd refuses to hug me sometimes (she just says No when I say Can I have a cuddle) and I always respect that and don't act disappointed.

If any GP tries to hug her and she says no, I just say loudly "She doesn't have to if she doesn't want".

My mum is quite bad in general for telling dd to do this or that "sit on my knee and look at this book" and I've really had to nag her about it. I've said, save direct instructions for crucial things like "don't touch the oven". Otherwise it should always be "would you like to sit on my knee? How about reading this book, eh?" Otherwise she'll start to think all her direct instructions are optional.

We've taught ours to stay STOP firmly if someone is doing something they don't want (like tickling, hugs and kisses). When we are there we can explain to the person that we are teaching them that when they say STOP they can expect the person to stop, so that they know if the person carries on, it's not right or acceptable.

I agree with you. No kids myself, but I find it awkward when people try to make their kids hug or kiss, especially when the child themselves is reluctant.

I agree OP but my MIL insists on everyone kissing her cheek upon arrival and departure (cultural thing). It’s really frustrating because during covid we stopped obviously and I felt this was a good time to stop all together, but she burst into tears and said no one loves her anymore, so it’s now back. I don’t like it but we all feel the same so after she’s gone it will end. I love her dearly but I don’t approve of forcing this tradition on kids and adults alike.

I agree. My step mum told me I should have a word with my sons because they were reticent to hug her. Bearing in mind we hadnt seen her for months and months and they felt a bit shy. I thought it was disgusting that 1. she was giving me unsolicited parenting advice and 2. that my children should be forced to hug someone they dont want to. This isnt about being polite- we should all be polite, its about offering affection and contact when one person doesnt want to.

Totally agree. Mum to 5 DDs here and I’ve always said same. My DH didn’t understand my insistence on it when DD1 was little but gradually he’s come around to my way of thinking.

On the other hand, I do think children need to be taught how to greet people appropriately. Whether it's a hand shake, a kiss on the cheek (or two, or three) or a hug. There are societal norms that I think it is important to teach children about.

I've seen it with my DH. He was never encouraged to greet people properly, and in fact he didn't used to hug or kiss his parents on arrival or departure (he was so taken aback when he met my family of demonstrative greeters 😂)

Then he got a high status job that required minimum firm handshake and often women would expect a kiss (I.e going in for it) and the look of discomfort on his face was genuinely awkward. It took him years to learn to greet people confidently. He had to learn as otherwise it would have held his career back, genuinely.

On the other hand myself and my DBro were taught how to do it from a young age (relatives hugging kissing and shaking hands) and you can tell as adults it is second nature for us.

Don't allow your children to opt out of greeting people - it might then be something they have to overcome later in life.

I agree you should force a child to hug their relatives if they don’t want to but to describe it in terms of body autonomy is overstating it. If they didn’t want to brush their teeth would you put your foot down? Or is that not respecting their boundaries? Young children are often rude and don’t want to say ‘goodbye’ or follow cultural social protocols. They need to be encouraged to be polite. In some cultures hugging and kissing is very much part of that.

I really disagree with you @Holly60

Sorry posted too soon, I don't think it should be the norm to have physical contact with anyone. I'm very much like your DH and I'm still reticent to greet with hugs as an adult. I will smile and shake hands if offered, but would be extremely uncomfortable at being expected to hug or kiss someone in a work environment.

I think that is really unprofessional.

I also disagree. Greeting people in adult life is not some huge obstacle to overcome. A simple handshake is not a big deal to get your head around at all. Even if someone expects a kiss- why should their cultural tradition trump mine? People need to respect that others have different comfort levels with regards to greeting- you might expect a kiss, doesnt mean you are "entitled" to one!

On the other hand, the consequences of children being taught they should hug and kiss whomever asks them has the potential for serious abuse and has potentially far reaching consequences.

It depends who it is. I hug and kiss my grandchildren, as I did with my own children. There is no talk of 'bodily autonomy,' I do it because I love them.
Or are you excluding grandparents?

Forgot to add- in business circles, there are many religious cultures where trying to kiss someone of the opposite sex would be highly inappropriate and offensive to that person's religion, so this idea that you just blunder in kissing people and they just have to deal with it is utter nonsense. You wouldnt last 5 minutes doing that in some business meetings.

Handshake or high five or wave plus ´hello’ should all be options for kids greeting people. Physical contact should be 100% optional.
And there should be no expectation that all people in a group receive the same greeting.
This one drives me nuts too OP and it was a big upside to covid that family started avoiding forced hugs and kissing or at the very least asking first. Now when people ask me I tell them I don’t like hugs and offer a handshake instead. My toddler has recently started shouting ´no’ at random people (usually elderly women) on the street who want to tickle his tummy or lean into the pushchair too far. Long may it continue.