Can we stop forcing children to give and accept hugs and kisses?

[Pleasecreateausername]

Just a bit of a rant really. Does anyone else feel the same?

We don't want our DD who is 3 to be forced into giving or accepting hugs and kisses. We say that it's her body and her choice. It's just frustrating as I feel like this boundary is challenged almost daily and on most occasions emotional blackmail is used to get the hug e.g 'I will cry if you don't cuddle me'. Many times, the 'no' is not accepted and they just cuddle and/or kiss her anyway.

Our DPs definitely think we are being over the top - but how can a child navigate keeping themselves safe and understanding consent when they don't have a choice in the matter.

Any advice about how to make this boundary clear and accepted by people who clearly think we are being 'over the top'? I don't want to have to speak for DD, I want them to respect her when she says no.

Grandparents are absolutely included, children still don't have to kiss, hug, sit on your lap etc if they don't want to. They don't owe you physical contact.

In that case, I'm fortunate that my grandchildren do actually hug and kiss me without any coercion. It's wonderful to have grandchildren snuggling up to you when you're reading them a story, and kissing them goodnight when you put them to bed.

If they didn't want to, I wouldn't have a problem with that.

Dh has young grandchildren. I have never instigated hugging or kissing them, and made it clear that I don't want the parents urging it. Now the eldest is a bit older, he does give me a spontaneous hug which is lovely.
I had to kiss my drunken granny which was revolting.

Do they know they can say no though? I didn't, it was expected.
Has someone actually had the conversation?

Sometimes as an adult I want proximity and affection, sometimes I don't want other people in my space. Kids are no different.

I’ve never made my kids hug or kiss anyone. If anyone says anything I just say ‘oh x is not a hugger.’ They all do fist bumps or hi fives. I think that’s enough.

I agree. They can ask but remind your child that they can say no thank you if they don’t want to. Perhaps suggest a high 5?

They should also get given this message at school. I teach PSHE in primary and it comes up when teaching about keeping our bodies safe.

I'm not sure about this one . As a very non tactile adult I have friends that insist on a hug as a greeting and if I wasn't to do it they would be offended and think I was being a bit odd. Friend of dh (male) always hugs and kisses and I do find it a bit bluergh but it's nothing sinister . We always tell our kids to give great nana a hug when we leave for example . She's a 95 year old woman who's been widowed thirty years so doesn't get much physical affection- I don't see the big issue with a two second hug with a trusted relative

I dont agree with this at all. Its not the child's responsibility to make up for a 95 year old losing their husband. Neither is the child to know she is "trusted". As a kid, my parents "trusted" my great aunt but kissing her still grossed me out and disgusted me because she had these horrible ill fitting yellow dentures that gave me nightmares as a kid. I didnt "trust" her- she bloody scared me. If your 95 year old relative is lonely then how about YOU kiss her and hug her and hold her hand instead of forcing a child to do it who really doesnt understand why they are being made to hug someone they dont wish to. Noone is "entitled" to physical contact from anyone, doesnt matter how long they have been widowed.

If your grandchildren didn't want to be kissed by you, would you still do it to them?
One of my children wouldn't let people, apart from me, his dad and his brother, kiss him, and we certainly never made him let them, even grandparents.

Thanks for the replies and the advice on managing this situation. This thread has definitely asserted my belief that forcing unwanted affection is not okay and has given me a renewed sense of confidence to advocate for and educate my DC. We are very lucky to have 6 grandparents, who adore my DC, but every single one pushes this boundary (among other friends and family) so I guess it is time for a more frank discussion about it.

Really interesting to read some of the different perspectives here!

Perhaps I'm overthinking it and I'm genuinely just throwing this out for some perspectives and not to say it's wrong. I often do this myself, but I wonder if suggesting to blow a kiss, high five or hand shake instead sends the message that you still have to compromise and give some sort of physical touch or an affectionate response. Maybe in the future, that could mean they'd still feel obliged to compromise in some way if they were put in a more sinister position where their boundaries were not being respected. What do you think?

I think it is really important that we are getting this right for the future generation. I am a female and can only speak for the female experience - but I myself have been put in a few positions where I didn't have the tools to advocate for myself when I felt uncomfortable. Both as a child and an adult and this made it easy for people to take advantage. Further, every single one of my female friends have had similar experiences. Wouldn't it be great if the future generation didn't have the same problem? I do think it starts with teaching them from a young age that 'no means no' when it comes to physical touch. Obviously there is a difference when it comes to brushing teeth and things that need to be done to keep healthy - that's a different conversation.

I don't always get it right and it's all a learning process but I had to smile to myself this morning when my DD said 'can I have a snuggles Mummy' and we just sat there for ages enjoying the affection. It's so lovely when it happens naturally.

@ParisNoir

OP life is about social interaction and handshakes can be part of life, both professional and social so I would be careful not to scare or overblow the sinister.

@ParisNoir sorry sent too soon. I agree, I think it's an interesting point about trust. Many cases where children have been abused or assaulted are at the hands of 'trusted' friends of the family or even family members. So I guess there is something to be said for the fact that this rule shouldn't have exceptions.

We can greet with words. It is perfectly normal and acceptable and has been since ermmmm 1950 odd.

I very much disagree with your point of view. Nobody, no matter their age should be forced into unwanted physical contact. Ever.

I do think children need to be taught how to greet people appropriately. Whether it's a hand shake, a kiss on the cheek (or two, or three) or a hug. There are societal norms that I think it is important to teach children about.

My appropriate greeting is 'hello', I think it works well within societal norms.

So I am going to go against the grain here . I personally think that human touch and interaction is instinctive and not learned behaviour!
Yes agree that no one ,whatever their age. should be forced into a situation where they feel uncomfortable .On the other hand I personally do not think it’s a healthy approach to suggest to a child that a hug with their family,friends is a negative experience.
Agree that some people including a member of my family absolutely hates being hugged and we respect her wishes but I genuinely believe that most children enjoy a snuggle and actually need human contact.

No one should be forced but I think it's a kind and compassionate gesture to hug a much loved and close elderly relative - and you have to use your instincts. You can never trust anyone 100% but it's a sad state of affairs if we are saying much loved close family can't hug our kids . I don't ask permission to hug my kids. If my kids appeared uncomfortable of course I'd tell them it's their right to not be hugged but I also don't want them to see every adult as someone sinister .

@LethargeMarg for me it is definitely not about not being able to hug and kiss them. Our DD offers and accepts hugs and asks for snuggles with family all the time and sometimes her friends too. We are a very affectionate household. It is just about when she says no and when that isn't respected.

Although I agree about consent and no child being coerced into any form of actual physical contact such as hugs or sitting on a lap, I do think that so many of these posts betray deep seated and really quite distressing attitudes towards the elderly. In many posts they are described almost as if they are repugnant. We will all be old one day!

Because in every example Ive seen on here- people have specifically cited elderly people having some kind of "right" or entitlement to be kissed/hugged either because theyve lost a partner or are lonely. To me, it makes not a jot of difference how old the person is- if a child doesnt want to hug them and squirms away, they should not be scolded for it. Its wrong.

@ParisNoir I was agreeing that children should not be coerced or scolded about not giving hugs but was considering the barely disguised repugnance concerning the physical changes of age when reading other posts about the old.

This is one of my pet hates! My in-laws always want hugs and kisses from our nephews, and when the children say ‘no!’ the in-laws pretend sulk. They tell the children to give us hugs when we arrive and leave, and I always reply ‘no they don’t have to’ but so the pattern goes on and on.

The other day step-MIL leant into the baby’s car seat, took his dummy out, said ‘give Nanny a kiss’ and landed one straight on his lips 🤮

Not looking forward to this conversation with them our baby is here.

Because it CAN be scary when you are a child. Just look at the fairy tales we read our kids!! The witches are always old and deformed whilst the princesses are always young and beautiful. This is a narrative we have been taught our entire lives so its hardly shocking.

Totally agreed.

Because it CAN be scary when you are a child. Just look at the fairy tales we read our kids!! The witches are always old and deformed whilst the princesses are always young and beautiful. This is a narrative we have been taught our entire lives so its hardly shocking.

Should we actually be reinforcing these tropes though? It seems almost acceptable in our (not very nice) society to be openly repulsed by the old. This is as bad as any other form of prejudice.