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Original poster

Can we stop forcing children to give and accept hugs and kisses?

105 replies

Pleasecreateausername · 07/05/2022 22:52

Just a bit of a rant really. Does anyone else feel the same?

We don't want our DD who is 3 to be forced into giving or accepting hugs and kisses. We say that it's her body and her choice. It's just frustrating as I feel like this boundary is challenged almost daily and on most occasions emotional blackmail is used to get the hug e.g 'I will cry if you don't cuddle me'. Many times, the 'no' is not accepted and they just cuddle and/or kiss her anyway.

Our DPs definitely think we are being over the top - but how can a child navigate keeping themselves safe and understanding consent when they don't have a choice in the matter.

Any advice about how to make this boundary clear and accepted by people who clearly think we are being 'over the top'? I don't want to have to speak for DD, I want them to respect her when she says no.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ParisNoir · 08/05/2022 14:09

pigalow27 · 08/05/2022 14:04

Because it CAN be scary when you are a child. Just look at the fairy tales we read our kids!! The witches are always old and deformed whilst the princesses are always young and beautiful. This is a narrative we have been taught our entire lives so its hardly shocking.

Should we actually be reinforcing these tropes though? It seems almost acceptable in our (not very nice) society to be openly repulsed by the old. This is as bad as any other form of prejudice.

Forcing kids to kiss elderly people when they dont want to is not going to fix that. Quite the contrary- its likely to make the "repugnance" as you say, worse. Allowing kids the space to make their own decisions regarding who they feel comfortable kissing and hugging is actually likely to reduce that "repugnance" as you call it. Equally, why should we force kids to kiss relatives "just" because they are old. Ive seen age mentioned multiple times in this thread as some kind of justification- eg "she is 95- she's lonely" etc. Age is not a reason to make kids kiss or hug people- thats a really, really odd justification to me.

gothereagain · 08/05/2022 15:00

Holly60 · 08/05/2022 08:11

On the other hand, I do think children need to be taught how to greet people appropriately. Whether it's a hand shake, a kiss on the cheek (or two, or three) or a hug. There are societal norms that I think it is important to teach children about.

I've seen it with my DH. He was never encouraged to greet people properly, and in fact he didn't used to hug or kiss his parents on arrival or departure (he was so taken aback when he met my family of demonstrative greeters 😂)

Then he got a high status job that required minimum firm handshake and often women would expect a kiss (I.e going in for it) and the look of discomfort on his face was genuinely awkward. It took him years to learn to greet people confidently. He had to learn as otherwise it would have held his career back, genuinely.

On the other hand myself and my DBro were taught how to do it from a young age (relatives hugging kissing and shaking hands) and you can tell as adults it is second nature for us.

Don't allow your children to opt out of greeting people - it might then be something they have to overcome later in life.

A professional and courteous greeting does not need to be physical! I'm in a high level professional role and don't remember the last time I touched a colleague or client, even pre-covid.

Hidingawaytoday · 08/05/2022 15:06

I agree. DD is only 8 months so it's not been too much of a problem but I do forsee arguments later on - I know DM won't be a problem as it's something she's vocal about too (though I'm fairly sure that wasn't the case when I was small) but my in-laws will definitely overstep.

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RedHerring24 · 08/05/2022 23:17

100% agree that children shouldnt be expected to hug, kiss or do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.
As a child one of my grandparents always expected a kiss hello and goodbye. I hated it, i felt awkward, my mum would always say I didnt need to do it but I was always dragged in for the kiss by said grandparent.
It caused lots of unnecessary family upset and anger.

Now i have a DD, currently 5 months I can feel it happening alreadly with MIL.
From the day DD was born MIL has been very insistent on us placing DD on her lap (as a newborn) for a cuddle and she has always made a point of telling us that she must kiss DD before she leaves.
It has made me feel hugely uncomfortable.
DD obviously cannot say no.
I dont know how to approach this issue because MIL doesnt pay any attention to what I say. I have said 'no, DD doesnt need to be kissed, Covid is a risk' etc etc but it has so far fallen on deaf ears.
I can feel it causing an argument because MIL believes it is natural and correct to kiss somebodys elses child without asking the parents.

DiamondSS · 20/04/2024 00:39

I know this was a while ago but I’m in the same dilemma. My in-laws hardly ever see our two very young kids. I think this almost makes it worse as it’s like they’re over-compensating with everything and really make a big thing of insisting on a hug. My toddler genuinely doesn’t know who they are as their visits are so infrequent. Whereas my kids see my mum all the time and my toddler will just go up and give her a hug or kiss her on the leg or something to be sweet.

On the last visit MIL followed him round the room for a good 5 minutes saying ‘come here’ while she tried to kiss him. We made a big point about the no kissing rule as babies and she overstepped that repeatedly and kept trying to play dumb. The other day I was just sort of saying in the background ‘oh he doesn’t need to, I don’t think he wants to’ etc but she just ignored it. What can you actually say in this situation?

My husband’s sister (who also rarely sees them) had no interaction with them during her visit, didn’t offer to play with my toddler or anything but just repeatedly said at the end ‘come and give me a cuddle, can I get a cuddle?’
Maybe get up and actually spend time with him and he’ll voluntarily give you one, which would feel much nicer to receive! How do you politely shut these people down?

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