Can we stop forcing children to give and accept hugs and kisses?

[Pleasecreateausername]

Just a bit of a rant really. Does anyone else feel the same?

We don't want our DD who is 3 to be forced into giving or accepting hugs and kisses. We say that it's her body and her choice. It's just frustrating as I feel like this boundary is challenged almost daily and on most occasions emotional blackmail is used to get the hug e.g 'I will cry if you don't cuddle me'. Many times, the 'no' is not accepted and they just cuddle and/or kiss her anyway.

Our DPs definitely think we are being over the top - but how can a child navigate keeping themselves safe and understanding consent when they don't have a choice in the matter.

Any advice about how to make this boundary clear and accepted by people who clearly think we are being 'over the top'? I don't want to have to speak for DD, I want them to respect her when she says no.

🙄

Absolutely right, my youngest child is autistic so has no qualms about making clear that he doesn't welcome physical affection but I remember hating it as a child myself and dreading having to say hi or bye to people because of it.

As a child who was forced & stiffened up & couldn't respond or even wiggled away : I totally disagree. We make kids get out of their comfort zones all the time in lots of ways, because it's very often hugely beneficial to them.

Yeah yeah, there's abuse & pushiness & all that, is why PP mention 'balance'. But in general, looking back, I'm glad my occasionally-seen relatives invaded my space like that. It did me good. About 5 years ago I took 9yo DS to a 3 day wedding where he withstood the brunt of random great-aunts & cousins hugging & kissing and being tactile. He started out bewildered & stiff backed. By end was thoroughly enjoying the attention.

I don’t see what on earth is wrong with teaching kids to shake hands in later life. There you go- job done. Never in my life have I been expected to hug or kiss complete strangers and I’ve worked in a wide variety of professional domains. Anyone who would try to kiss or hug someone who clearly doesn’t want it is being highly unprofessional in my view.

I remember thinking this when mine were small. But there's a balance. Yes, of course children should be taught about consent but that is as much about them respecting others as asking others respecting them. So when DC were going through a shy stage they were still told to say goodbye to visitors but weren't expected to hug people they were unsure of. But far more of their consent teaching was telling them things like don't climb on people, don't stretch across people, don't shout, don't keep demanding Uncle Mike reads that book 10 times in a row, wipe your nose before you kiss Granny, you need to have a bath before you go to school because you smell etc etc. And, as @Holly60 says, they need to learn to conventions of social behaviour and in most families that involves hugging Granny when she leaves your house.

I kinda agree op

Parents are praised fir their sociable children who talk to everyone and anyone and will happily hug great great uncle Derek having never met him before. Being shy, and quiet and not wanting to be around piles if strangers giving them your life story is seen as a negative. A problem that needs fixing.

We erode their bounderies from.day one. Particularly girls. We call them rude fir being scared if strange adults. Make them feel bad for making then feel like they are some creepy arsehole when they are family. He's been married to your great aunt Susan fir 6 months dontcha know.

Then when the inevitable happens and a child ends up in a situation where they trusted the wrong person or the hug and kiss they thought they were meant to give after they finished talking to them results in having their arse grabbed and someone's tongue down their throat. We then blame them fir their behaviour. Their clothing. The mixed signals they send etc

We expect kids to be able to work out when to act a certain way and when not too even though adults struggle with it and still " get into trouble"

No kid or adult should have to show physical affection if they don’t feel comfortable with it, but children do need to be taught how to greet and say goodbye politely. So many won’t look you in the eye or get up from their game (or dare I say it, horrible screen) to come to the door and greet/say goodbye to a guest.

Children can learn to greet people without needing to hug or kiss them. It's ridiculous to say that not forcing children into physical contact with others will make them unable to greet people as an adult.

Surely the answer is to move away from expecting kisses etc from anyone.

It's not overstating things at all to talk about body autonomy.

How can we tell children their body is their own and then make them kiss aunty Joan.
What's that telling them? We do things we don't want to, to be polite.
You're in charge of your body except if uncle John moans that you never hug him.

The teeth brushing thing is a silly comparison. It's completely different.

I agree op, but often in my experience it’s parents asking their kids to give you a snotty nosed kiss, I hate it, I don’t want to hug or kiss their kids.

Grandparents are absolutely included, children still don't have to kiss, hug, sit on your lap etc if they don't want to. They don't owe you physical contact.

I've watched family members including my mum beg children/grab children for a hug.
I've watched another relative do that 'you're upsetting granny' bullshit along with fake crying!

Ditto fucking tickling. My stepdad was a tickler and it gave me the fucking creeps.

As an adult, I hug my friends and some relatives but actually forced physical contact as a child meant I found it really hard as a young adult and avoided hugs.

I have friends who are huggers and those who aren't. We know that about each other and we respect that.
With children, I ask them if they'd like a hug and positively respond if they say no which they sometimes do. It's so important that they understand no means no.

Sorry @Pootle40 I meant to reply to this post, not yours!

I agree with this. My parents forcing me to hug relatives I felt uncomfortable with and being tickled against my will has made me actually not want close physical contact with anyone I don’t 100% trust. So this idea that forcing kids to kiss people they don’t want to is making them demonstrative and we’ll adjusted is quite simply, garbage.

Honestly I think adults need to stop outsourcing the responsibility of their feelings to everyone else. Instead of taking it personally and emotionally blackmailing children into hugging you because not doing so makes you feel bad, perhaps I dunno , try and identify if there's something you are doing that could be making them feel uncomfortable. Or accept they need time to get to know you and trust you which is a perfectly normal and healthy stance.

Others are not responsible fir your emotional well being. Stop being so paranoid that just because a small child won't sit on your lap when you are loud, maybe eveb a little tipsy depending on thr occasions and several times their size that they and everyone ekse who sides with the kid hates you and always will.

The problem is not the child.

My kids don't enjoy kissing/hugging grandparents, but they will give 98 year old ggd a hug as they know it will make him happy, and he can't communicate with them well.
I wouldn't/couldn't force them, but largely they would rather not.

I remember many occasions as a child being tickled which I found painful (would make me laugh but not in a nice way, I would be hiccuping and it would be really unpleasant) because I was laughing they saw it as a sign to do it more, and I would have tears streaming down my face, couldn't stop this weird laughter (I think I was basically hyperventilating, it was very similar to a panic attack). In my house my kids ask for tickles and I will stop immediately the moment they ask me to or show signs of not being happy. I always give them a choice to hug grandparents or not. If they didn't respect that I would have a word.

I'm not black and white on many things, but when it comes to bodily autonomy i try to avoid Grey areas. I think it needs to be really clear and an absolute priority.

I'm another one who was tickled as a child and absolutely despised it. Words cant express how much I hated it and how awful it felt to me. The sensation of it was so uncomfortable and painful and the horrible feeling of dread that they wouldnt stop when I begged them to that now, if a boyfriend or partner tried to do it as an adult, I'd completely freak out and shout at them to fcking stop. Very good example of how we dont respect kid's boundaries and what effect that can have on them as adults.

The thing with cultural practices and greeting is that you still have the right to say ´no, don’t touch me’. It’s just important to understand the consequences. So in a country where cheek kissing is the norm people might think you’re rude for refusing to do it. But you still do not have to kiss the other person. Bodily autonomy trumps politeness. It’s fine to decide you are willing to do it because it helps social or business relationships go more smoothly, like the pp’s DH who had to learn how to confidently greet colleagues and clients as an adult. But it’s still a fucking choice. Teach the choice part first, and then worry about teaching children how different people in different situations are likely to react later.
Incidentally, I bet that if pp’s husband just decided that in his culture firm handshakes all round were the way to go and in work situations he just went straight in for a firm handshake with confidence everytime with everyone it would probably work out fairly well.

My mil did same hated it!!

And also, you can encourage/discourage your kids from certain careers depending on how they react/tolerate touch from others. Someone who hates absolutely all physical contact would make a terrible medical professional or hairdresser/makeup artist but might be a great secondary school teacher or lab technician or loads of other careers. Equally someone who hates hugs may actually have zero difficulty with touch in a totally non affectionate/strictly rule driven profession like medicine or dentistry.

It's not about receiving hugs and kisses. It's about not being forced to do it. I grew up in a family that never showed affection and whilst I'm very affectionate with dh and dc I'm uncomfortable at showing affection to others. There's nothing wrong with affection being the norm in fact I would say it's healthier if it is. But children like adults should have the right to say no if they don't want a kiss/hug. They should not be taught that they have to do it because they are children.

I agree completely OP, I feel really uncomfortable when DSS tries to get DGC to give kisses goodbye, I don't want DGC to be forced to kiss me, or anyone else. Spontaneous affection (because DGC actually feels affectionate towards me) I love, but I'm more than happy with a wave goodbye if that's all DGC feels like.

No child should be forced/pressured to kiss anyone including a parent or grandparent they should do it because they want to. If you say to your gc "give grandma a kiss" and they do so happily that's wonderful. If they say "no thank you" then you respect that.

My mum will give me a disgustingly wet kiss on my cheek if I hug her, it's disgusting! She may as well be spitting on me! She seems to think it's funny. I won't hug her anymore.

I don't get the concern about children growing up unable to greet people. Teach them to look at a person (eye contact if comfortable) and say hello. That should cover most situations.