Partner hits our child

[ToddlersDad]

My partner has EUPD / BPD. She had therapy and been stated on medication and it has helped massively to the point she is not a bad mother and the abuse I was getting has almost stopped.

on the whole she is good with our little girl (3) now. She does get frustrated but I work part time so she does not have to take care alone more than a couple of days a week alone.

Anyway we are in the car driving home from the airport a couple of days ago.

Our little girl is a bit hyper active in the car seat due to the long flight and has hit mum a few time so mum grabs her hand and squeezes it until she is crying.

Grandmother (my mum) is also in the back. They never hit us growing up so freaks out and is telling my partner she can’t hurt the baby.
My partner is telling her not to interfere as it’s her child.

I tried to discuss this which her after but she just does not get it’s not ok.

I don’t know what to do. I thought about going to the safeguard teacher in her school but I know she will make me take her out of that school if they know what’s going on.

After the last time It happened I told me self I will not let it happen again. Social services did come to the house a couple of years ago after I was assaulted but they where not interested.

She has made such improvements over the last year I don’t want to kick her out (I own the house) at the same time I don’t want to risk loosing my little girl as I know she is not safe with mum alone.

is squeezing the hand as big a deal as I feel it is?

[NerrSnerr]

Is it just one incident of squeezing her hand or has she hit her as well on more than one occasion (as the title suggests)

[Aimee1987]

Yes that is abuse
You need to contact social services and make the school aware of what's going on.

What happens if your at work and she losses her temper and really hurts her ( even worse then what you have already described which is already unacceptable)

[NativityDreaming]

Yes, it is a big deal. If your partner is willing to do that in front of your mum what does she feel comfortable doing when no one is there? Your daughter is not safe with her and you need to report this to SS.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@NativityDreaming

Yes, it is a big deal. If your partner is willing to do that in front of your mum what does she feel comfortable doing when no one is there? Your daughter is not safe with her and you need to report this to SS.

This.

Your partner is a violent bully who has form for abuse.

[Alwayspaintyournails]

@NativityDreaming

Yes, it is a big deal. If your partner is willing to do that in front of your mum what does she feel comfortable doing when no one is there? Your daughter is not safe with her and you need to report this to SS.

Exactly this. If you do not report it and it ensure your daughter’s safety you are complicit.

[Kittykat93]

Your partner sounds vile and abusive.

[Pumperthepumper]

Of course it’s abuse, she deliberately hurt your child. You need to leave and keep your kid safe. Definitely contact the school too.

[worriedaboutmoney2022]

You need to leave her and take your child with you this is awful 😢

[Imperfectp3rf3ction]

That's actually quite malicious I don't condone any type of violence in children but the squeezing is particularly malicious tbh and I would be extremely worried. Do you want you daughter growing up thinking it's okay to be hurt by those that are meant to love us? get your mrs help phone social asap

[Aquamarine1029]

Your partner did this in front of your mother, FGS. Imagine what she'd do when alone.

[Kona84]

My mum used to do this to me, we would be crossing the road and she would just squeeze really hard and I’d cry out and then she would tell me off for being scared of the road.
my mum also slapped us if she didn’t like our behaviour.
growing up I only remember the hand squeezes and the slaps I can’t recall a hug.
I would start keeping a log of instances to help with custody battle if you do decide to leave.

[Neveranynamesleft]

It is abuse and something must be done to stop it.

Imagine what could happen if it was just the 2 of them together. How would you feel if you knew what was going on and something serious / tragic happened.

Without knowing, or wanting to know, I do wonder if she could turn the tables and blame you for something that she had done ?
I suggest getting help for this.

[27glitteryTomcats]

It’s abuse. It’s wrong. Report her and make sure she has no access to the child

[Thinkingblonde]

Squeezing her hand until she cries is worse than a tap on the hand IMO. To squeeze it until the child cries means her mother has kept up a sustained pressure and that is a big red flag.

[Thinkingblonde]

I think social services should be involved here, your partner needs help with her issues. Most of all your child needs protection.
As do you.

[BadNomad]

Your partner is intentionally hurting your child, and you need to ask if that's a big deal?

[HulahoopsBBQbeef]

Have you posted before? If I recall you are a doctor and your partner is a nurse. If it is you then i recall it being a toxic environment and I am surprised that you haven’t left yet.
Apologies if it isn’t. Either way you know that this is an abusive relationship and I hope that you are able to leave and safeguard your daughter.

[GrazingSheep]

The poster who posted earlier today about hitting her child got nothing but support. I don’t think any poster referred to her as vile and abusive. She was reassured that the child would forget all about it and no harm was done.

[Neverreturntoathread]

It is a big deal.

It’s child abuse. She deliberately caused physical pain to a child, that’s illegal and horrific. The child’s behaviour is irrelevant: children misbehave, that’s what they do, doesn’t mean parents can abuse them.

If she’s done it once, she will do it again.

You need to find a way to protect the child. Maybe ask NSPCC for advice, or even ask the police to come and give her a verbal warning. She needs to understand that she’s done something terrible.

[Martz]

I guess you’ve got to ask yourself if her reaction was proportionate to your daughters actions? Was she just restraining her hand to stop her hitting, or was she actually squeezing her maliciously? If it’s the latter of the two then you need to protect your daughter from harm. There are better ways to help a child to understand their behaviour isn’t acceptable than causing them to feel physical pain, it’s cruel and it’s unnecessary. Speak to your safeguarding lead at school and accept the help from social care. It sounds as though some intervention is needed to give your partner support in dealing with your daughter when she’s displaying behaviour she finds difficult. I would not give her any unsupervised contact until you’ve sought advice from social care either as it’s worrisome that she’s prepared to behave like that towards your daughter when other people are there, it begs the question of what’s happening when other people aren’t there.

[doveseternal]

If my spouse was hitting my child I would remove my child from the home, call the police and social services and break up with them.

How can you allow this? You are complicit in the abuse of a child by not reporting it.

[doveseternal]

And her bpd is irrelevant to her being a child abuser.

[gianaInfertilitySucks]

I am sorry you're going through this, and it doesn't sound like you're overreacting. Let the school know and call social services, they should care

[TabithaTittlemouse]

you take your child and leave. I don’t see the dilemma?
stop making excuses for her and protect your child

[Kittykat93]

@GrazingSheep

The poster who posted earlier today about hitting her child got nothing but support. I don’t think any poster referred to her as vile and abusive. She was reassured that the child would forget all about it and no harm was done.

@grazingsheep Erm it was me who called the partner vile and abusive, and for your information I read the other thread you are referring to and I did not support the op of that thread at all, I think it's completely wrong to ever lay a hand on a child.