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Original poster

Partner hits our child

106 replies

ToddlersDad · 30/04/2022 15:42

My partner has EUPD / BPD. She had therapy and been stated on medication and it has helped massively to the point she is not a bad mother and the abuse I was getting has almost stopped.

on the whole she is good with our little girl (3) now. She does get frustrated but I work part time so she does not have to take care alone more than a couple of days a week alone.

Anyway we are in the car driving home from the airport a couple of days ago.

Our little girl is a bit hyper active in the car seat due to the long flight and has hit mum a few time so mum grabs her hand and squeezes it until she is crying.

Grandmother (my mum) is also in the back. They never hit us growing up so freaks out and is telling my partner she can’t hurt the baby.
My partner is telling her not to interfere as it’s her child.

I tried to discuss this which her after but she just does not get it’s not ok.

I don’t know what to do. I thought about going to the safeguard teacher in her school but I know she will make me take her out of that school if they know what’s going on.

After the last time It happened I told me self I will not let it happen again. Social services did come to the house a couple of years ago after I was assaulted but they where not interested.

She has made such improvements over the last year I don’t want to kick her out (I own the house) at the same time I don’t want to risk loosing my little girl as I know she is not safe with mum alone.

is squeezing the hand as big a deal as I feel it is?

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 12/05/2022 11:01

i Know I should have done it my self but I know if I report it she will say I made it up

I understand, but you must see that this is exactly why you DO need to report it, and keep reporting when things happen, so that they can build up a picture.

Save this thread, where you have shown your concern about her making allegations against you. She also has BPD/ mental ill health. Social services are not stupid, they can put together facts, but only if you provide them with the information.

They will only have information if you give it to them - so give it to them!

Original poster
ToddlersDad · 12/05/2022 11:38

Right. Just went to the GP. They will try see me today.

I was saying my partner will try and get me to remove our child from the school if she is aware they know.

I spoke to our little girl and she told me that mummy squeezed her hand again yesterday.

im really really upset but I’m not going to allow her to be alone with our daughter.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/05/2022 16:18

Any luck with the GP?

Your poor little girl having that happen again. I'm glad she still feels able to tell you when asked but that won't last forever if she knows action isn't taken and it keeps happening bless her.

Original poster
ToddlersDad · 12/05/2022 20:28

Not very helpful to be honest. I get the feeling she felt that it would have been ok in past generations.

But she did make a social services referral.

OP posts:
runnerblade95 · 12/05/2022 20:32

What on earth did I just read?

Squeezing the tiny hand of a 3 year old until she cries is absolutely without a shadow of a doubt, abuse, and needs to reported to social services immediately.

You are a better person than me because I don’t care what mental health issues my partner has, if he ever laid a finger on my daughter, he would have much more to worry about than being thrown out of the house or social services being involved.

You have my sympathies, don’t get me wrong, not having a go, you’ve done the right thing posting here for advice but I urge you to take the advice that has been given and act now, before it’s too late.

runnerblade95 · 12/05/2022 20:37

Just seen your most recent update now. I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. You are doing the right thing by contacting your GP. I hope you managed to get an appointment? Please update us.

I’m glad your daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to you about this. Her mother’s behaviour is unacceptable.

Pinkyxx · 12/05/2022 21:18

@ToddlersDad please for the sake of your daughter end this relationship TODAY, require your partner to leave the house. Then make an application to court for supervised access only. Get trauma counselling for your daughter - domestic abuse charities often can help with this. Please never put responsibility on your daughter again, she needs to know you will protect her.

My daughters suffered similar at the hands of my ex husband (who was physically violent to me) and presented similarly to how you describe your daughters reactions at the same age. I am now trying to support a teenager with serious boundary / mental health issues, and that's with years of therapy (at the behest of social services). She lives and dies to please daddy and believes that if only he can be kept happy he will change (despite a decade plus of evidence to the contrary). No matter how awfully he treats her she continues to take responsibility for his actions.

She's literally mid-melt down right now this evening because she has contact with her father this weekend & so anxious at the prospect she can't contain herself. This doesn't get better unless you address it.

Original poster
ToddlersDad · 12/05/2022 21:45

Baby is at my parents now.
im being treated like the criminal by my partner as if I have done something so wrong by trying to protect our child.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 12/05/2022 21:52

Is your DD staying overnight at your parents' tonight? Are you staying there too?

Mum2jenny · 12/05/2022 21:56

You have got your baby to a safe space. That is never wrong. Hope you get the whole issue sorted asap. Poor baby!

Wolfiefan · 12/05/2022 22:35

i am hoping you’re with your parents too.

Pinkyxx · 12/05/2022 23:06

ToddlersDad · 12/05/2022 21:45

Baby is at my parents now.
im being treated like the criminal by my partner as if I have done something so wrong by trying to protect our child.

Just because you're offered a cup does not mean you must drink from it.

You are protecting your child, which is the right thing to do. Blame is part of the abuse dynamic, reject it. Men can be abused too. You may want to call a domestic violence helpline so they can help you think about situation through the lens of DV. Your partner strikes me as abusive to both you and your child.

Original poster
ToddlersDad · 17/05/2022 19:26

Well things just got worse.

I spoke to the GP.
The GP made a referral to social services, social services called me and spoke to me on the phone for 10 min.

offered parenting classes.

they then called my partner, told her I went to the Gp. Then told her what I told the GP.

partner is raging now and has decided she wants to separate and is agreeing to 50:50.

However our kid is telling me mum is telling her to say I Hit her (our child) and squeezed her hand.
This is going to blow up in my face so much, last time when she was hitting me in the past she had told me she will tell the police I hit her if I report it.

further more she threatened to say my father sexually abused our child, my family are a big part of our life and look after our little one several days a week and I often spend my days at their house with our little girl on my days off.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/05/2022 19:33

Tell her to leave and make an application to the court for a child arrangements order
stop fannying about and panicking about her making false allegations and just get her out.

runnerblade95 · 17/05/2022 19:44

@ToddlersDad However our kid is telling me mum is telling her to say I Hit her (our child) and squeezed her hand.

This is going to blow up in my face so much, last time when she was hitting me in the past she had told me she will tell the police I hit her if I report it.

further more she threatened to say my father sexually abused our child, my family are a big part of our life and look after our little one several days a week and I often spend my days at their house with our little girl on my days off.

My God, there is so much going on here I literally don’t even know where to start.

She is coaching your child to tell the authorities that it is in fact YOU that has been squeezing the child’s hand and abusing her? That’s disgusting.

First if all, the father and sexual abuse allegation, forget that for the time being. That will go nowhere with her history of BPD and clearly what I would categorise as Histrionic PD which involves lying and inventing stories of grandiose. She sounds like a total nutcase.

I completely believe you when you say that she has threatened to tell the police that it is in fact you that has been physically abusing her, rather than the truth.

The issue she has here is that it is hearsay until proven otherwise.

I feel for you OP, I really do. She can definitely try to go for 50/50 custody but if you get your head in the game, gather up all the evidence of her abuse, her shortcomings both as a mother and a partner and any other evidence of neglect on her part that you can find, you’ll be on your way.

As for her telling the child to tell the authorities that YOU hit her and squeezed her hand, I wouldn’t worry about that. There are trained professionals who know exactly how to speak to a preschooler and are more than trained to know if and when that child is telling the truth or lying.

Your child’s mother sounds like a nasty piece of work and ultimately, a danger to your child.

Please don’t give up on your child. Keep doing everything necessary to ensure that her mother is either as far away from her as possible on a permanent basis or at least supervised visitation.

runnerblade95 · 17/05/2022 19:45

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/05/2022 19:33

Tell her to leave and make an application to the court for a child arrangements order
stop fannying about and panicking about her making false allegations and just get her out.

Apologies, this is what I was basically trying to say in short @ToddlersDad I was just overwhelmed with emotion at your previous post. I’m sorry about that.

SuziSecondLaw · 17/05/2022 19:47

This thread has broken my heart. You poor thing and your poor dd. I wish I had some advise to offer, I just desperately hope you manage to keep dd safely away from her mum as she sounds like a very dangerous, abusive person to be around...

Original poster
ToddlersDad · 17/05/2022 19:56

And she is angry I go to my parents a lot with our kid but I’m a social butterfly and for one reason or another she has made it that I lost contact with most of my friends over the last 5 years and I get lots of issues if I go out for lunch with old friends.

OP posts:
wpse · 17/05/2022 20:04

Why do you keep making excuses not to protect your child from being abused? It's pathetic

runnerblade95 · 17/05/2022 20:05

ToddlersDad · 17/05/2022 19:56

And she is angry I go to my parents a lot with our kid but I’m a social butterfly and for one reason or another she has made it that I lost contact with most of my friends over the last 5 years and I get lots of issues if I go out for lunch with old friends.

Yes, that is because she suffers from BPD and suffers with fear of abandonment and thus, wants you all to herself. It’s nothing to do with her friends. It’s to do with you and keeping you close at all times so that she doesn’t feel alone. If you are a social butterfly then you’re going nowhere fast with a person that suffers with BPD. They simply will not allow it and in doing so, make you feel bad for being social. It’s an endless road of passive aggressive projection for their own insecurities.

runnerblade95 · 17/05/2022 20:06

wpse · 17/05/2022 20:04

Why do you keep making excuses not to protect your child from being abused? It's pathetic

I agree, but please don’t call him pathetic. He is trying his best to navigate his way through this situation without a) causing harm to his child and b) losing custody of his child all because of a sick twisted lie from a woman who is emotionally unstable.

BadNomad · 17/05/2022 20:16

Well, he's doing a bad job at it. He's going to end up losing his daughter, at least 50% of the time, to an abusive woman he won't be able to supervise.

wpse · 17/05/2022 20:16

@runnerblade95

He needs to record her abusing their child and also get the mother to admit it in texts.

Are you agreeing he should enable the abuse of a baby?

runnerblade95 · 18/05/2022 08:45

wpse · 17/05/2022 20:16

@runnerblade95

He needs to record her abusing their child and also get the mother to admit it in texts.

Are you agreeing he should enable the abuse of a baby?

Absolutely not. Perhaps my previous posts were poorly worded in that respect. I actually didn’t mean recording as in a voice recording. I meant keep a record as in write things down, dates, times, where you were at the time, if you were out or at the supermarket for example then CCTV would place you there. That’s what I was trying to say. Sorry. I was really pissed off while typing that and I feel
horrible for the child.

wpse · 18/05/2022 11:05

@runnerblade95

I'm pissed off too.
Pissed off that a father is enabling the abuse of a BABY. When the abuser eventually 'snaps' and the child is seriously hurt or killed he absolutely shared responsibility for that because he refuses to seek help.