Partner hits our child

[ToddlersDad]

My partner has EUPD / BPD. She had therapy and been stated on medication and it has helped massively to the point she is not a bad mother and the abuse I was getting has almost stopped.

on the whole she is good with our little girl (3) now. She does get frustrated but I work part time so she does not have to take care alone more than a couple of days a week alone.

Anyway we are in the car driving home from the airport a couple of days ago.

Our little girl is a bit hyper active in the car seat due to the long flight and has hit mum a few time so mum grabs her hand and squeezes it until she is crying.

Grandmother (my mum) is also in the back. They never hit us growing up so freaks out and is telling my partner she can’t hurt the baby.
My partner is telling her not to interfere as it’s her child.

I tried to discuss this which her after but she just does not get it’s not ok.

I don’t know what to do. I thought about going to the safeguard teacher in her school but I know she will make me take her out of that school if they know what’s going on.

After the last time It happened I told me self I will not let it happen again. Social services did come to the house a couple of years ago after I was assaulted but they where not interested.

She has made such improvements over the last year I don’t want to kick her out (I own the house) at the same time I don’t want to risk loosing my little girl as I know she is not safe with mum alone.

is squeezing the hand as big a deal as I feel it is?

You can talk to school once you've made sure your child is safely away from your partner. What you've described is unacceptable and abusive. You need to get your child away and to safety. Is there anyone who can help you in real life? Your mum?

I would not want to be with someone who did that. Are you thinking of separating?

She has assaulted you and it sounds like she has hurt your child on more than one occasion. This is a pattern of abuse. I would not leave my child alone with her. The BPD is irrelevant.

It’s irrelevant in that she has capacity, but it’s not totally irrelevant when you think about the wider determinants that this family operates in. Particularly with a husband who potentially enables this abuse because of a “diagnosis”.

You need to take steps to ensure the abuse is documented, and prevent the child abuse from continuing. Ideally the child abuser should be prosecuted, did you report her attacks on you? Can your child have therapy for her awful, traumatic life to date? Your shit girlfriend needs to be removed from your property.

Its all blown up today. I tried to discuss with her about it a couple of times and each time she would deflect and Either justify why she would do such a thing Or make false allegations to try and deflect from what she did.

so I told our child to tell her teacher about what happened and today mum found out that I had said this.

obviously she is very upset and a little angry.

she then threatened to say that my family sexually abuses our child, to say I hurt our child because I grabbed her when she was about to fall in a moving bus last week. Any time I try and talk about what she did she just says I do the same because of I tired to stop her from falling on the bus. I tired to explain that I’m not punishing our child on the busy I simply grabbed her to stop her rolling down the bus.

lucky I record all of this.

the issue I have is that she is not engaging and understanding what she did was wrong and just tried to excuse this or deflect.

Very sadly our little girl is very upset by this and said to me she does not want to come home because mummy squeezed her hand and now she is saying that mummy squeezed my hand because she was being naughty so in her tiny little 3 year old mind she is justifying what her mum did.

I think it’s safe to say she will have to move out, it’s a shame because I have worked so hard for so many years (and she has) to help her to transform her self from being completely unstable, abusive and a bad mum to being a normal nice person most of the time and a decent loving mum.

its only bad at times if she has not taken her medication, or if she is tired or very stressed but at the end of the day it’s still wrong even if it’s only some times.

sorry for rambling.

so I told our child to tell her teacher about what happened and today mum found out that I had said this. obviously she is very upset and a little angry.

I understand you're having an absolutely terrible time but to put the responsibility of whistle blowing and the consequences on your three year old rather than taking that on yourself.

Your poor girl.

I hope the authorities are able to work with you to remove your wide from the home. She is a child abuser.

It may mean you have to go part time due to childcare etc but it's a sacrifice many single parents, usually mums, make in order to keep their child safe.

i Know I should have done it my self but I know if I report it she will say I made it up.

job is not a problem. I actually am very lucky as I work zero hours contract in a very well paid area so I only work 3 days week so I can take care of our child the other days and normally when I’m at work my parents take care of our child as my partner works full time.

I could probably afford to only work only 8 or 9 days a month if I needed to.

But you could have reported and your child reported. You put all that pressure on her and she's three years old. That poor little girl.

It's good you can work 8/9 days a month as that leaves you with 20+ days a month to fight tooth and nail to get your child out of this abusive situation. You'll be able to afford decent legal representation too.

You'll need to fight for supervised access and nobody is saying it will be easy but things can't go on like this.

She's three. She'll soon be answering back, being defiant etc all normal 3/4/5 year old things. Unfortunately because your partner is abusive, this means her abuse will likely escalate as she feels more challenged by her daughter.

She's bullying a tiny child. Please be her protector and don't enable her mum for one more day.

The worst thing that has stuck in my mind, after this happened I took her to the shops. The then whispered in my ear that she wants to buy mummy a dress to make her happy and so she will stop being rude to everyone.

and she literally pulled me by my arm onto the shops to pick a dress.

If you don't need to work, except for 9 days a month there is no excuse not to prioritise your daughter.
Physical abuse of a child is abhorrent.

This is exactly what is happening. She does not get that it’s normal for a child to push boundaries and answer back.

She really thinks it’s ok to hit a child because of this.

You need to talk to social services and the school. You CANNOT ask or expect a child that young to take the responsibility of these actions in getting help.

you should be protecting your child. She is number one that needs you and you are failing her by tip toeing around the issue.

your wife cannot live or be with your daughter unsupervised. How long before your daughter becomes a statistic like so many other little ones that are now angels due to one guardians actions.

that hand could have been crushed. Bones in a 3 year old could have been so easily broken.

a squished hand now.

a broken bone next.

a fatal injury finally.

YOU need to do something now. When it comes out that you knew about the abuse and didn't stop it, your parenting and your ability to protect your child will be judged. You might lose your child too.

Be the adult here. Be the responsible parent here. Call social services.

i have done that before, they did not help.
you have to understand I know how long it’s ok to leave her alone with the child before she gets stressed, I have spent the last few years arranging it so that she never has to look after her by her self for more than 2 full days she is not a bad mum she just has issues.

its the same condition amber heard has, the behaviour is exactly the same.

But now I have recordings of her admitting hitting her and also saying she will make false alignment against me and my parents.

you have to understand I know how long it’s ok to leave her alone with the child before she gets stressed

You're not understanding. It is not ok to leave a child alone with an abusive adult ever. She is a bad mum. She hurts her child and doesn't accept that that is wrong. You need to be a good father now and get your child away from harm.

You need to call social services.

you need to tell them what is happening inside your house. Your child needs to be protected from your wife and you need parenting classes or guidance. Abused children learn to be responsible for the emotions of other people. The damage they suffer is much more extensive than just the effects of physical violence. Your actions are making this situation worse for your daughter. Your job is to be her protector. Never, ever ask her to take responsibility for this situation. .

This is so incredibly frustrating to read. Of course she’s a bad mum ffs. You’ve got to step up and protect your young vulnerable child. She’s barely more than a baby and your inaction is ruining her childhood and formative years in ways you can’t even imagine.

Stop justifying standing by while she’s being abused and bloody do something.

You say that the authorities haven't supported you to get your child away from her abuser.

Then you call that abuser a good mum.

Is it really a surprise that people perhaps aren't understanding how serious (you say on here) you are about the fact this is abuse?

You need to be the voice of your poor little girl and step up. Yes it'll be difficult and probably really shit for a while.

But she needs you.

Why do you think this is school’s responsibility? Of course they will act, when told, but you can be contacting SS yourself rather than putting that onus on someone else. She’s your child.

Could you leave with your daughter and stay with your mum?- she saw the abuse. You need to remove that little girl from a dangerous situation. You need to admit to yourself that it is dangerous.

Social services are on their knees, so I'm not surprised they didn't help. However, that doesn't mean that you don't call them.

If your partner is actually threatening to make allegations against you, unfortunately you are going to have to play the system a bit, and you need social services to have an official record of your side of things.

You need to contact them with these concerns, and you need to raise it with the school as well.

Why do you think that the school will make you take your daughter out if they know what's going on? Schools are a huge protective factor in a child's life, the second biggest after the family (and sometimes the biggest when families fail). They should be helping you and I would be very surprised if they tell you to leave - they should support you and your partner (who is ill and also needs help).

Please do the right thing and share this with all the relevant people. The more people who have information, the better protected your child will be, even if it doesn't seem that way in the short term. Records are very important - not just yours but also the school's, and social services. I would even be saving this thread if I were you.

Op, totally in same situation here. Just wanted to say you are not alone.

I fear I have nothing to say that is helpful but don't beat yourself up. Abuse is such a hard one to deal with.