Partner hits our child

[ToddlersDad]

My partner has EUPD / BPD. She had therapy and been stated on medication and it has helped massively to the point she is not a bad mother and the abuse I was getting has almost stopped.

on the whole she is good with our little girl (3) now. She does get frustrated but I work part time so she does not have to take care alone more than a couple of days a week alone.

Anyway we are in the car driving home from the airport a couple of days ago.

Our little girl is a bit hyper active in the car seat due to the long flight and has hit mum a few time so mum grabs her hand and squeezes it until she is crying.

Grandmother (my mum) is also in the back. They never hit us growing up so freaks out and is telling my partner she can’t hurt the baby.
My partner is telling her not to interfere as it’s her child.

I tried to discuss this which her after but she just does not get it’s not ok.

I don’t know what to do. I thought about going to the safeguard teacher in her school but I know she will make me take her out of that school if they know what’s going on.

After the last time It happened I told me self I will not let it happen again. Social services did come to the house a couple of years ago after I was assaulted but they where not interested.

She has made such improvements over the last year I don’t want to kick her out (I own the house) at the same time I don’t want to risk loosing my little girl as I know she is not safe with mum alone.

is squeezing the hand as big a deal as I feel it is?

It’s an extremely big deal. You can’t watch an adult abuse your very young child. I have a 3 year old, there is no excuse anyone could give me to intentionally hurt her that I’d accept. I feel a bit sick just reading this.

Don't discuss it with her again. Contact school, your GP, your HV and social services. On Tuesday if not before.

Then ask her to leave and keep her away from your child. Your daughter has two parents and one of them is a dangerous abuser so you, as the other one, needs to step up and stop it from happening.

No level of abuse is acceptable. It means nothing to your daughter that mum isn’t as abusive as she used to be. Nothing. No abuse is okay!

It’s his house and the daughter is staying with him. She leaves.

Nothing to do with her diagnosis.

You know the answer. Child abuse is never acceptable.,you will never ever find a reason to make it ok. Watching someone abuse a child and doing nothing makes you complicit.

That poster was full of remorse and guilt.

in this situation, when confronted about hurting the child, the parent defends her actions because she thinks she owns the child.

these are completely different situations.

Very difficult. It's really important that you don't do something that ends the relationship but leaves mum with your child.

I think I might hold my fire for now and document everything as well as getting her into nursery for those two days. It sounds like your dd isn't safe with her own mother but you'll need evidence.

Yes I feel it's a big deal. Maybe not the act itself but the remorseless, vengeful tit for tat attitude seems like it has the potential to become very dark for your dd.

Please don't have more children.

if this escalates OP, and you knew- theyll do you as well for allowing it. Just something to think about
i dont doubt parents can loose their temper on occasion, but you definitely sound like you are worried to leave DD with her now.
and to tell your DM to stay out of it? She must be beside herself with worry, but unlikely to say or report least her contact is restricted
your partner needs help. Hopefully she chooses to seek it herself and can avoid being "forced"
i will say, if my DH did something like that id be sending him out, and to a gp

How does that comment help op?

A distant friends partner (ASD mum) was left alone with their DC. My distant friend arrives home after 3 days away and notices baby isn't moving arm very well and cries when you touch it. DC taken to hospital by mum as distant friend gotta go to work. It turned out to be a twist fracture ie no way its accidental. Mum is now trying to blame her partner who wasn't even there and he wasnt even left with his DC alone ever. It's in court soon, police charging both of them - awful situ. Protect yourself.You do need to separate and keep you DD safely away from her. Harsh I know and I'm sorry.

I hate people who hit kids - no excuse I appreciate mental ill health but it's a zero tolerance thing for me.

Are you able to see any difference between someone who regularly assaults their partner and child and thinks it's fine and someone who does it once and regrets it deeply?

You know what you need to do. Health visitor, SS, school, no later than Tuesday. Good luck

You need to get your daughter out of this situation. What your wife has done is not okay.

Start a 'paper trail' so she can't blame you for any marks etc.

Throw her out. Squeezing the child makes me think the next thing would be shaking til quiet or a thump on the head. It's not a quick tap on the back of the hand.

I missed that it was his house.
you are right.

Her having BPD has fuck all to do with being an abusive parent. Can people please stop with the stereotypes that everyone with BPD is a nasty bully.

yes your partner sounds abusive and you should remove yourself and your child out of the situation. I know that's easier said than done though, from experience.

Squeezes her hand enough to make her cry?
she could have broken it - you sound concerned.
listen to your instincts

That's like comparing apples with elephants

Thanks.

I don’t really know how to respond to the comments.

As I said I did try and talk to her about it but I’m being met with a wall of deflation and she is arguing back that she is trying to Discipline our child.

I guess I really have no option but to talk to the school.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter.
Yes, please do reach out to school. They will know how to support you and your daughter further.
You may also want to look into something like The Freedom Programme for male victims of domestic abuse.
Your partner has manipulated you and is gas-lighting you about the abuse. You know it is wrong, you felt it instinctively, you worried, as did your mum. Those gut feelings are real. Please let them guide you. Any response from your partner which isn't remorseful acknowledgement of their mistake is really off. If you are wary of or scared of your partner, especially following assault, this is another clear 'gut feeling' to heed.
Also, until you receive support, minimise the amount of time your partner is in a position of making decisions which impact on your DD. Take leave if necessary, cut hours to be available whenever DD is not at pre-school, or book a child minder or enlist your DM for wraparound care.

Talk to the school? If she’s hurting your child you need to separate and go for supervised visits only.

OP how often does this happen?

the hand squeezing was wrong, but SS are unlikely to do anything over one hand squeezing incident as their thresholds are incredibly high.

Is this an ongoing thing?

Of course not everyone with EUPD is a violent bully
However everyone with EUPD has difficulties regulating emotions so I do not agree that her diagnosis isn't relevant. The medication ( I'm assuming mood stabilisers or similar) and the therapy will help but not cure, her personality is disordered ( expect to be shot down on this opinion but it's based on my professional life as well as having lived with someone diagnosed)
In your heart do you believe that this is the only time your partner has hurt your child? If not I do think you have a responsibility to ensure your child is safe from harm at all times even if this means reporting the abuse

I thought about going to the safeguard teacher in her school but I know she will make me take her out of that school if they know what’s going on

OP, you've had some good advice. This stuck with me. Are you also being abused? You shouldn't be being made to do anything by anyone. Not sure why, this just didn't sounds quite right.

@hesbeen2021

I agree, the BPD “diagnosis” is most certainly relevant. It’s not an excuse however.

I would argue however that her personality isn’t “disordered”. She will have full capacity over what she is doing but she is struggling to regulate her emotions and behaviours. Therapy can most certainly help trauma responses you are not stuck with a diagnosis forever, there is hope.

First and foremost though does this child need safeguarding or not? Is there systemic abuse happening within the home? Only the OP knows the answer to this question.

OP, a diagnosis of a personality disorder is never an excuse, even though it is relevant to her behaviours. Do not get into the trap of enabling this. Your daughter will simply just see you as an unhelpful accomplice when she is older.

Can I ask what you are expecting the school to do?