Apathetic Grand Parents

[Puzzledparent122]

Hello I know this is Mumsnet but as a dad I want to ask for other peoples thoughts.

My wife and I have an amazing, happy and wonderful toddler who'll be three soon.

When my son was born my parents in law came over from Asia and gave five months of constant care for my son, my wife and when myself. Cleaning, cooking, child care etc etc etc.

My parents on the other hand have been totally apathetic pretty much since day 1.

My mum is 74 in perfect health and dad is 72 and again in perfect health. They say they can't leave their house due to Covid although they're fully jabbed etc.

My mum hasn't seen my son since Dec 2019 and my dad hasn't seen my son Jan 2020.

My parents live about 1 hour 15 mins away and even when I've said... "I'll bring my son over and you can see him in your garden so there's no chance of you catching Covid." The answer has been multiple times that they cancel at the very last minute.

If I arranged for them to drive through and see us in our garden again they cancel again at the last minute.

If I ask to FaceTime my mum will say she doesn't like that modern technology.

If I send photos on WhatsApp there's no text back to say thanks or take interest but if I send to my parents in law they immediately text back.

If I point out that it would do then good to leave the house, get some fresh air and see their grandson I'm told how manipulative I am and also I haven't appreciated what they've done for me growing up etc.

Both my wife and I are very confused and quite hurt.

Sorry for the rant... has anyone else encountered this and am I being reasonable?

Yes, this happened with my MIL. Totally uninterested in our dc, hasn't ever made any effort to see them. When they were little we would take them to see their grandparents (5 hour drive away) but they wouldn't come to us as it was "too far". At the time they were very fit and active retirees in their late 60s. Regularly travelled abroad for holidays. When we went to see them we had to rent a holiday cottage nearby as it was too much trouble for them to have us to stay.

My MIL has never looked after her grandchildren for even 5 minutes.

She is now widowed and in her 80s. Very frail. My husband is having to miss work next week to drive down and take her to 2 medical appointments as she has no one to take her and won't cope with going in a taxi. I'm furious as I feel she shouldn't have our help when she never helped us. To be honest, I wish DH. had gone non-contact with her years ago.

It's up to you, but in hindsight, if we had gone non contact, then we wouldn't now be trying to support someone who doesn't deserve it.

Is it possible your parents have withdrawn with an unreasonable fear of Covid? Could be they are really scared?

Could it be they are not as fit and healthy as you think they are?

The alternative is they are not as interested as you wish they were. That's sad but in the end, their loss.

PS: I haven't seen my parents for at least as long, largely due to Covid. I've reached the point that I've just decided to leave the ball in their court. They will visit if they want to.

Hello, that all seems very familiar.

I feel my parents are hiding behind Covid as a mask but even before that they didn't seem to have much interest.

If I mention that they should see their grandson everything they've done for me growing up is dragged into the conversation. I'm not sure seeing a grandchild every few years is a chore though.

I'm very puzzled as to whether they've always been like this and I'm only seeing it now.

I'm not even looking for child care out of them all I want is my grandson to have memories with his grand parents.

It's getting to the point now where my wife and I are totally exasperated dealing with them.

Yes they're terrified of Covid but even before they didn't have much interest.

I remember Feb 2020 when my parents in law left my dad turned up and I asked...

"Where's mum?"

"She decided to stay at home."

So there's no interest there at all.

It is sad for you that your parents are uninterested in your son. But sadly you can't make them interested. As hard as it is, you need to accept that they don't care.

Honestly - I’d leave it. My inlaws are a bit this way; they claim to be interested, but won’t actually do anything that requires any effort to see or speak to them! I’d just leave them to it, to be honest. If you don’t want to lose contact with them, just talk about what they suggest and don’t bring up your family unless they ask. But I wouldn’t fall over myself to be available for help for them either, I must admit….

Ps my dad last saw my son Feb 2020 not Jan like said in original text.

Do you agree with what they say when they talk about what they did for you as a child? Some GPs feel that they have done their time and now it's your turn to raise your children. Did your parents have much support when you were growing up? I think my parents not having family around meant that they didn't feel obligated to help out much as GPs.

This seems to be a common theme on MN - disinterested Grandparents- and every time I wonder why parents are pushing a relationship.
I am a grandparent, adore my DGC and see them as much as possible ( and help ) however I do know a couple who are very hands off . Their reason is that they have done their share of parenting and don’t want to get sucked into providing childcare . I am not suggested you want that .
I think you should just leave them . It must hurt but ultimately it’s their loss.

You mentioned your parents in law came from Asia. Is your wife is Asian? Are you white? Just wondering if there’s an element of racism from your parents?
What are they like with your wife?

My dad built an extension in his garage last year and complained that I wouldn't help although I had work, child care etc.

I explained that he can't avoid seeing his grandson using Covid as an excuse then work alongside me building a garage.

His answer was "Covid was very low at that time."

So why not see his grandson? 🤷🏻‍♂️

my family’s grandparents are almost all like this (four sets as divorced). I used to be much more resentful but now my kids are grown I just think it’s their loss. They don’t know my children and have made very little effort and that is reciprocated now they are adults. I will be a better grandparent if I get the chance just as, I think, I’ve been a better parent.

I do agree with them about what they did for me as a child and I'm very appreciative for everything they've done in fact.

Also I'm not asking for free child care at all...

All I want is for them to see their grandson so he has memories of who they are.

FaceTime or meet up outside in the garden.

They don’t give a shit about your son. And boy that hurts. And yes their covid anxiety is particularly bad but their lack of interest will continue to hurt as long as you let it do.

they’re also not interested in seeing you, I assume.

honestly, id limit how much contact you have with them massively in the interest of protecting yourself.

So true...

I completely agree with you....

If I'm a grand parent I'll remember this and make an effort to be involved.

It's not racism... they're just not interested.

Thank you for your response.

Although free child care would be great I'd never ever expect it out of them

All I want is for my son to meet them and know who they are.

Thank you for your response.

Although free child care would be great I'd never ever expect it out of them

All I want is for my son to meet them and know who they are.

Although it hurts to admit it... I think your answer is bang on.

It's most painful because the thing that my wife and myself care about most they truly don't seem to give a sh*t about.

Chilledchablis1
This seems to be a common theme on MN - disinterested Grandparents- and every time I wonder why parents are pushing a relationship.

Because the feeling that they don't matter stays with a child, causing long term damage, especially in sensitive, perceptive children.

Take my 13 yo, who quietly told me the other day taht their grandparents (PILs) are "disappointing and they care more about (uncle's) dog than me". Not not great for their self-esteem.

For myself, I'd have cut contact when DC was 2 or 3. Having said that, at least I tried and she knows her parentes have tried in small ways to get them to be interested. But you cannot take a horse to water (and it's its own fault if it dies of thirst).

It is shit OP. Cut your losses and stop further disappointment further down the line - for you, your wife and your son.

I have to agree with you...

I'm getting closer and closer to completely cutting them out of our lives

Ps yes when I was growing up my mums mum was around nearly every day helping out.

Cooking, cleaning, baby sitting etc.

My mil is like this. I don't think she'd care if she never saw any of her grandchildren ever again. My own parents would have been good grandparents but are dead. If my own parent were alive and not interested in their grandchildren I would cut them off without a second thought.

Yep. I booked our second child's birthday party the other day. I told my mum and she said that she didn't know what she was doing two months in advance and had no idea whether they'd attend or not.

No childcare. No practical offers of help.
Very interested in talking about them on the phone and getting pictures but that's it.
My father isn't interested in any of it.

It's at the point where.my husband has said that he isn't prepared to offer any future care to them.