Apathetic Grand Parents

[Puzzledparent122]

Hello I know this is Mumsnet but as a dad I want to ask for other peoples thoughts.

My wife and I have an amazing, happy and wonderful toddler who'll be three soon.

When my son was born my parents in law came over from Asia and gave five months of constant care for my son, my wife and when myself. Cleaning, cooking, child care etc etc etc.

My parents on the other hand have been totally apathetic pretty much since day 1.

My mum is 74 in perfect health and dad is 72 and again in perfect health. They say they can't leave their house due to Covid although they're fully jabbed etc.

My mum hasn't seen my son since Dec 2019 and my dad hasn't seen my son Jan 2020.

My parents live about 1 hour 15 mins away and even when I've said... "I'll bring my son over and you can see him in your garden so there's no chance of you catching Covid." The answer has been multiple times that they cancel at the very last minute.

If I arranged for them to drive through and see us in our garden again they cancel again at the last minute.

If I ask to FaceTime my mum will say she doesn't like that modern technology.

If I send photos on WhatsApp there's no text back to say thanks or take interest but if I send to my parents in law they immediately text back.

If I point out that it would do then good to leave the house, get some fresh air and see their grandson I'm told how manipulative I am and also I haven't appreciated what they've done for me growing up etc.

Both my wife and I are very confused and quite hurt.

Sorry for the rant... has anyone else encountered this and am I being reasonable?

You also didnt mention if you had siblings or if their are other grandchildren.

I know sometimes grand parents can favour certain grand children because they favour the child whose children they are or because they live closer or where younger when they were born and had more energy or they prefer girls to boys or whatever.

I'd just concentrate on those who do want to see them. What would be the point in a forced relationship anyway? That wouldn't be fun for your child so why do that? Just leave them, it's their choice.

My niece... my parents had more to do with her although having said that I do remember baby sitting her when she was young.

They chose to have children. Children do not owe their parents for raising them.
If they expect care in old age they need to give they can't just take

Have you ever considered moving to your wife's home country?

Do they still have a relationship with your niece now?

Are you close to your sibling? Just wondered if your parents had said anything to them about the situation.

Very true that children don’t ask to be born but ‘we won’t look after you when you’re old and infirm if you don’t look after our kids when we want you to’ is nothing short of mercenary.

It has crossed my mind quite a few times.

Very true that children don’t ask to be born but ‘we won’t look after you when you’re old and infirm if you don’t look after our kids when we want you to’ is nothing short of mercenary.

I don't think it is mercenary. If you want love and care out of a relationship you need to have a positive functioning relationship.
If you are ignoring people and putting nothing into building and maintaining a relationship why would you expect a functioning relationship to exist?

These grandparents are putting nothing into the relationship with child or grandchildren, why would they expect anything out of it.

@backtobusy it wasn’t the OP’s post, it came from this:

No childcare. No practical offers of help.
Very interested in talking about them on the phone and getting pictures but that's it.
My father isn't interested in any of it.

those GP are interested, they just don’t want to do childcare.

So they can ask for care but won't provide care in return?

We’re in the same situation, OP.
my in-laws buy lots of Christmas presents for my kids and make all the right noises but are not at all interested in seeing them. Whereas my family will regularly ask when they can see them/us.
DD once referred to my Mum as her “real Nanny” when trying to differentiate between her and MIL.
it’s really hurtful for DH as it’s his parents, and whilst that’s upsetting for me to see, I can’t say I blame my in-laws. Some people just aren’t that bothered about kids. And we all know just how lucky we are to have at least one side of the family who show an interest, so we concentrate on that.
concentrate on your relationship
with your in-laws and try not to take your parents’ behaviour personally - as hard as that may be.

@SockFluffInTheBath no, actually, they aren't interested. We don't ask for childcare. Well, we asked when I had to go to hospital with a kidney issue when I was pregnant. Refused.
We asked when I was giving birth to our second child, they asked if our old neighbour could do it. They came reluctantly and my husband was late arriving to the delivery because he was making their fucking breakfast. When we came home from the hospital we cooked them fucking dinner and then they went home.
So, no, we don't ask.

My mum is interested in having photos and stories to show her friends. As I said, although maybe you missed it, my dad isn't interested at all. No involvement.
Not interested enough to ever come round to our house. Not interested enough to suggest any nice activities for us all to do. Not interested enough to invite us to their house.

As for the care in old age, what's mercenary about not feeling obliged to provide it?
They seem to have no concept of family life. Example...we invited them at Easter for a meal and to see the kids do their egg hunt. No. Couldn't be arsed. My mum even said "is that what people do?" Didn't buy my two kids a fucking egg between them.
Every fucking Christmas we invite them and cook and run around. Not this year. Want to guess how many times we've been invited to theirs'? Never.
Where was the childcare expectation about inviting them to my child's birthday? Is that a normal response, is it? I don't know what I'm doing in two months? On your grandchild's birthday? We've organised it and paid for it. There's no childcare expectation.
We had a party in our garden last time, which they graciously attended, but they just plonked down and expected to be waited on hand and foot. My dad didn't even greet my kids during the whole thing. It breaks my heart. He was an absolutely shit father but I thought he might be different with grandchildren.

I've got loads more examples but I haven't got the time to go through them all.

But, actually, everyone I know with kids has some kind of involvement. I know if my own children have children, I'll be there for them as much as they want and need. It'll be my pleasure.

@SockFluffInTheBath also, what did you mean about them not wanting to "continue" to give childcare? They've never given childcare.

I had a suspected heart attack post emcs at 35 weeks pregnant.. Mil's response was now dh could go on their annual holiday.
When dh refused to leave us 2 weeks pp she snubbed us all. She held ds twice as a newborn and saw him on 2nd Jan after not wanting to see us over Xmas.. .
Less than half an hour his whole life.
Been over 7 years now.

@Maydaysoonenough how terrible. That's staggering.

So sorry for all of you feeling the pain of disinterested grandparents to your children. We took out our 98 year old friend for lunch yesterday, and he touched on how paranoid many elderly people were about Covid, and how ridiculous it was. Being so blinkered and uninterested in their grandchildren is their loss to be honest, although that doesn't diminish your sadness of course.

We're not saints by any means, but our grandson gives us such joy. He's a toddler and we look after him twice a week to save nursery fees for our daughter and son-in-law. We held his Easter egg hunt over here on Easter Sunday (my daughter provided all the paraphernalia, apart from Granny's wicker basket). Often, but not always, it does seem to be the daughter's parents who are more involved. It is lovely that your in-laws have a good relationship with your children and are loving and attentive grandparents, albeit I appreciate that they live abroad. You get out what you put in - I'll be 70 soon and fortunately he'll be in school before I get too old to do it. I agree with the other poster who said she needs a quiet day afterwards, while it's great fun, the responsibility of constant vigilance is tiring. He's a little whirlwind.

I don't think there's a solution here for you. I suppose you could spell it out to them how let down you feel, but as they seem so self-absorbed, I wonder if it will go over their heads. They don't realise what they're losing.

Think for a minute about what would happen if you persuade them to see you.

They are uncomfortable, resentful and just don't want to be there. Your son picks up on the discomfort and instead of there being no relationship it is a negative one for him.

If they wanted to be part of your lives, they would be. I agree with PPs who say to focus on the lovely relationship he has with your MIL and FIL.

We moved less than an hour away and she told her friends (who emailed dh strong words!) that we had cut her out of ds's life! When we lived 5 mins away we still never saw her! Bonkers!

Although I have set boundaries for my parents with regard to help and support. Its done on my timescales not theirs I have seen all sorts from friends who are trying to support their elderly parents. Often they are in houses that are far too big for them and who refuse to spend any money on keeping the house in good repair. One said it wasnt there issue and someone else would sort it out when they were gone. Others are struggling with hoarders (including me). |It was sorted in the end when they went into a home but the days and days spent sorting out their affairs will never be recovered.

I know my Mum who is lovely said once to me that she never thought she would get to a stage where she had to rely on people to do simple things for her. She always thought she was invinceable. I suspect others are like that. They behave as they do and then DO expect their children to step in and help them.

This involves taking calls about all sorts including the Sky TV remote not working (very urgent) and that the garden needs weeding but they dont want strangers in the house so could said child do it.

This is so sad.

It's as if your parents are wilfully choosing to see only what they want to see if your life and ignoring all the rest.

They know they're doing it, or they wouldn't have said what they said about telling others they're good grandparents.

There's an element of self pity and maybe even jealousy there too I suspect - you have a full life away from them and important commitments, and they can't stand it. Hence the resentment that you didn't help in the construction project.

What I advise is reading a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and going to counseling to deal with the grief you must be feeling.

The parents you hoped would always be there for you, would understand fully what it is to be a husband, and father of a beloved child, and lovingly share your life in all its stages have turned out to be self absorbed, selfish, demanding, and irrational. Please find help to deal with the loss and the sadness and disappointment. Don't try to get through this alone.

A counselor can help you identify your feelings here and maybe help make sense of what your parents are doing. They can also guide you through any decisions you feel are appropriate - going low or no contact, for instance - or even just coaching you in how to set healthy boundaries with them so that you can resist the guilt tripping, and speak to them in a way that will make them listen.

I would strongly advise you to find a 'chosen family' - a support network of neighbours, friends, colleagues with young families, etc, and deepen the bonds with your ILs. If there are some nice elderly neighbours it might be a good thing to include them in your circle of friends too.

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to answer.

Your answer cuts very close to the bone because it's exactly how I feel but I can't quite believe it's true.

Interesting to hear from a different persons perspective.

I do wonder a lot if my parents know the trouble that they're causing.

Also I'm not asking for baby sitting etc just for my parents to take an interest in their grandson which I feel is a very reasonable and decent request.

It seems hard to imagine a grand mother that won't even FaceTime her own grandson.

@Puzzledparent122 so sorry for what you're experiencing. There is no good explanation, but I know how hard it is to accept.
The best I can do with the situation is to take it as a learning experience. I will do better with my own. Solidarity!

We had this. It was quite odd really. In laws didn’t really get with the program about being grandparents - their finest moment was explaining they were emigrating because “there’s nothing to keep us in England”. 🙄

They massively let us down the one time we needed them and refused invites for laughably lame reasons.

As young parents we got all upset about it but honestly there’s no point. You can’t control other peoples behaviour. We raised it with them and it caused a load of upset / with hindsight I wish we hadn’t bothered.

We have a civil albeit distant relationship now. Dd2 when aged about 8 asked if they were “still her grandparents” as we didn’t see them much!

I don’t think anyone else has asked this but I have to, sorry.

are your children mixed race? Could that have anything to do with it?