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Original poster

Apathetic Grand Parents

104 replies

Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 10:34

Hello I know this is Mumsnet but as a dad I want to ask for other peoples thoughts.

My wife and I have an amazing, happy and wonderful toddler who'll be three soon.

When my son was born my parents in law came over from Asia and gave five months of constant care for my son, my wife and when myself. Cleaning, cooking, child care etc etc etc.

My parents on the other hand have been totally apathetic pretty much since day 1.

My mum is 74 in perfect health and dad is 72 and again in perfect health. They say they can't leave their house due to Covid although they're fully jabbed etc.

My mum hasn't seen my son since Dec 2019 and my dad hasn't seen my son Jan 2020.

My parents live about 1 hour 15 mins away and even when I've said... "I'll bring my son over and you can see him in your garden so there's no chance of you catching Covid." The answer has been multiple times that they cancel at the very last minute.

If I arranged for them to drive through and see us in our garden again they cancel again at the last minute.

If I ask to FaceTime my mum will say she doesn't like that modern technology.

If I send photos on WhatsApp there's no text back to say thanks or take interest but if I send to my parents in law they immediately text back.

If I point out that it would do then good to leave the house, get some fresh air and see their grandson I'm told how manipulative I am and also I haven't appreciated what they've done for me growing up etc.

Both my wife and I are very confused and quite hurt.

Sorry for the rant... has anyone else encountered this and am I being reasonable?

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RoseslnTheHospital · 27/04/2022 11:48

How much did you see them before you had your child? Was it always on their terms and when they needed help with something, or did they come to visit you?

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 11:56

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/04/2022 11:48

How much did you see them before you had your child? Was it always on their terms and when they needed help with something, or did they come to visit you?

They did come a little before Covid but generally on their terms.

Since my son was born they couldn't have been less interested so it's not a Covid thing.

Key point is as I've said to my parents we're not looking for child care just for grandson to know who they are.

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Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 11:58

FrodisCapering · 27/04/2022 11:47

Yep. I booked our second child's birthday party the other day. I told my mum and she said that she didn't know what she was doing two months in advance and had no idea whether they'd attend or not.

No childcare. No practical offers of help.
Very interested in talking about them on the phone and getting pictures but that's it.
My father isn't interested in any of it.

It's at the point where.my husband has said that he isn't prepared to offer any future care to them.

I feel like this with my parents.

Wife's mum often says things like "you two must be exhausted working full time and having a child."

My mum truly couldn't care less.

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Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 11:59

FrodisCapering · 27/04/2022 11:47

Yep. I booked our second child's birthday party the other day. I told my mum and she said that she didn't know what she was doing two months in advance and had no idea whether they'd attend or not.

No childcare. No practical offers of help.
Very interested in talking about them on the phone and getting pictures but that's it.
My father isn't interested in any of it.

It's at the point where.my husband has said that he isn't prepared to offer any future care to them.

Ps I stopped sending photos and videos on WhatsApp to my parents and actually to my amazement they didn't even seem to notice.

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EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/04/2022 12:02

As I said upthread, I wish DH had gone no contact with his mum.years ago. She and his dad put him in Boarding School and made little effort with him so it's not as though she's done her bit!

DH spends hours each week dealing with her finances, her care package, her medical appointments. He works FT (as do I) and we are 5 hours drive away. If she had ever put herself out for him or our children, I wouldn't resent this at all, but she never has. She has never shown any care or affection for them, has never been remotely interested in anything they do. She has quite often forgotten their birthdays, even when she was much younger/fitter.

You can't make people be interested in you and your children, but you can choose not to interact with them.

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/04/2022 12:09

I would reduce your efforts down to the bare minimum to maintain contact e.g. sending them christmas/birthday cards, but stop inviting them and sending them photos etc.

It is disappointing that they are not interested but there is nothing you can do to make them change their behaviour. At least you do have one set of grandparents who are keen to see you and your child.

Comedycook · 27/04/2022 12:10

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/04/2022 12:02

As I said upthread, I wish DH had gone no contact with his mum.years ago. She and his dad put him in Boarding School and made little effort with him so it's not as though she's done her bit!

DH spends hours each week dealing with her finances, her care package, her medical appointments. He works FT (as do I) and we are 5 hours drive away. If she had ever put herself out for him or our children, I wouldn't resent this at all, but she never has. She has never shown any care or affection for them, has never been remotely interested in anything they do. She has quite often forgotten their birthdays, even when she was much younger/fitter.

You can't make people be interested in you and your children, but you can choose not to interact with them.

Exactly the same for us. In all the time I've known dh, I've never seen his mother do anything for him. She has never babysat, taken the dc out, cooked them a meal. Knows nothing about them. Dh is always at her house doing her diy and any jobs she needs doing. She doesn't even offer him food when he's round there doing jobs for her.. Last time he went round there and came home hungry. I asked him why didn't he eat...why didn't she give him something. Apparently she offered him a drink. Made me so sad for him.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2022 12:14

Sounds like a Covid problem, same here. My parents, mum mid 80s, stepdad late 70s, both in excellent health and fully vaccinated, still refuse to see us. They’re absolutely terrified of contracting Covid. We haven’t seen them since December, 2019.

it’s very upsetting but ultimately their decision, however unreasonable we may feel it is.
there’s nothing you can do, really. Just keep up with the phone calls and photos and hope that in time they’ll become less frightened.

(btw, I would have found 5 months of permanent in-laws horribly stifling, that’s not the norm either so comparing the two probably isn’t reasonable)

GrendelsGrandma · 27/04/2022 12:16

I think it's hurtful doubly, firstly that they're not interested in GC and secondly because that implies they have a negative view of spending time with children, i.e. didn't enjoy bringing you up. That's probably not true but it's likely to be lurking in your psyche somewhere.

Honestly, some people just don't age well. They calcify, stop engaging with people, become set in their ways and anxious about anything that disturbs their routine. Kids are a whole lot of chaos and mess and noise and unpredictability. If you've stopped being active or challenging yourself with new things, you might not want kids around.

It doesn't bode well for what they'll be like when one of them is widowed in the fullness of time. You want to avoid the situation going from this to you being expected to do a whole lot of giving lifts, doing DIY etc.

Can you have a frank conversation with them about what they want from you? Maybe in writing to make it easier? I'd tell them it's hurtful that they don't want to see your child and that you don't want to be there just to help with practical things, you want an actual relationship with them.

If they've been staying in that long they might be depressed and anxious and need a nudge to do something about it.

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 12:22

GrendelsGrandma · 27/04/2022 12:16

I think it's hurtful doubly, firstly that they're not interested in GC and secondly because that implies they have a negative view of spending time with children, i.e. didn't enjoy bringing you up. That's probably not true but it's likely to be lurking in your psyche somewhere.

Honestly, some people just don't age well. They calcify, stop engaging with people, become set in their ways and anxious about anything that disturbs their routine. Kids are a whole lot of chaos and mess and noise and unpredictability. If you've stopped being active or challenging yourself with new things, you might not want kids around.

It doesn't bode well for what they'll be like when one of them is widowed in the fullness of time. You want to avoid the situation going from this to you being expected to do a whole lot of giving lifts, doing DIY etc.

Can you have a frank conversation with them about what they want from you? Maybe in writing to make it easier? I'd tell them it's hurtful that they don't want to see your child and that you don't want to be there just to help with practical things, you want an actual relationship with them.

If they've been staying in that long they might be depressed and anxious and need a nudge to do something about it.

I think they see spending time with children as a chore and not a pleasure.

Strange thing is both my parents say a lot...

"Don't tell anybody we're not seeing your grandson as we don't want anybody thinking we're not good grand parents."

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OberthursGrizzledSkipper · 27/04/2022 12:23

It is really sad to hear this. We didn't get to see our tiny grandchildren for a year because of covid but we spoke to them over facetime as much as we could.

They are too far away for us to do any babysitting and I'd kill to have more time with them. I can understand GPs not wanting to commit to regular childcare but not even wanting to see them is totally bizarre.

CareBearsCare · 27/04/2022 12:28

You need to start accepting that they aren't interested and stop trying to get them to see your son. Why would you want your son to know that his grandparents aren't interested in him? Sometimes it's better to shield them from that inevitable pain. Imagine what a meeting would be like - maybe your son would be walking around happy and energetic while your parents ignore him or act nervous when your son touches something or them. It is hurtful but I've read many stories on here about grandparents physically wary of kids because they assume they'll catch Covid from them.

My parents and ILs aren't interested either. It's sad that they don't have extra loving people in their lives but my kids (teens) accept it fine. They haven't been emotionally damaged by forced contact with uninterested grandparents and I don't regret my decision to let things lie.

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/04/2022 12:29

FrodisCapering · 27/04/2022 11:47

Yep. I booked our second child's birthday party the other day. I told my mum and she said that she didn't know what she was doing two months in advance and had no idea whether they'd attend or not.

No childcare. No practical offers of help.
Very interested in talking about them on the phone and getting pictures but that's it.
My father isn't interested in any of it.

It's at the point where.my husband has said that he isn't prepared to offer any future care to them.

They raised you, unless there’s a drip feed. So you don’t owe them anything unless they keep on giving what you want? That’s very self-centred. I can see why lots of GPs shy away from continuing to give their free time up for their children (who want support with their own children).

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 12:32

CareBearsCare · 27/04/2022 12:28

You need to start accepting that they aren't interested and stop trying to get them to see your son. Why would you want your son to know that his grandparents aren't interested in him? Sometimes it's better to shield them from that inevitable pain. Imagine what a meeting would be like - maybe your son would be walking around happy and energetic while your parents ignore him or act nervous when your son touches something or them. It is hurtful but I've read many stories on here about grandparents physically wary of kids because they assume they'll catch Covid from them.

My parents and ILs aren't interested either. It's sad that they don't have extra loving people in their lives but my kids (teens) accept it fine. They haven't been emotionally damaged by forced contact with uninterested grandparents and I don't regret my decision to let things lie.

Hello...

I feel I don't have much of a choice but to completely cut them out of our lives.

I never thought it would be possible for my parents to be so unloving and so unkind.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2022 12:36

You say they haven’t offered any practical help or childcare.

with the best will in the world, at 74 and 72, however perfect you feel their health is, I think those are asks too far with very young children. I’m 59, fit and healthy, love looking after our toddler grandchild but need a slow day afterwards. I certainly won’t be up to childcare at 74.

tuliplover · 27/04/2022 12:38

That's the way it is - accept it. My in laws are interested if I do the calling and the driving - they have never spontaneously asked us to theirs and the thought of them ever taking the kids out is laughable. My husband wondered if it was him but his brothers have said the exact same - their parents are just not interested in their grandkids.

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 12:38

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2022 12:36

You say they haven’t offered any practical help or childcare.

with the best will in the world, at 74 and 72, however perfect you feel their health is, I think those are asks too far with very young children. I’m 59, fit and healthy, love looking after our toddler grandchild but need a slow day afterwards. I certainly won’t be up to childcare at 74.

Hello,

Absolutely no child care duties expected at all.

All we want is to FaceTime, meet up outside etc.

My mum hasn't seen my son Dec 2019.

I just want my son to know who they are and nothing more.

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Acheyknees · 27/04/2022 12:45

Same here OP, but what I would say is they reap what they sow. Now my children are older, they aren't interested in seeing my parents as there isn't a close relationship. My Mil was very hands on from the start, now we have holidays with her and weekends away. When my Mum hears about these breaks she frowns and tuts because we don't do anything with them. They only want a relationship now as they are getting older and aren't flying off on foreign holidays.

SallyWD · 27/04/2022 12:46

Some people just aren't that interested. It is a shame. My own mum (who is lovely!) once told me that of course she loved the grandchildren but she was more interested in coming to see her own children. Once I suggested she visit during half term to see the children and she said "I'm happy to come when they're at school. I only really come to see you." I was quite surprised. My MIL is the opposite - she only wants to see the grandchildren and is less bothered about seeing her own son. However, despite my mum's preference for seeing me over my children she does make an effort with them. She will come and visit when she can and when we stay with her she spends all her time engaging with the children. She arranges days out for them etc. and ensures we all have a lovely time.

CareBearsCare · 27/04/2022 12:49

I never thought it would be possible for my parents to be so unloving and so unkind.

Did you have a happy childhood ?

The fact that they've asked you not to tell others that they are bad grandparents is very telling what a meeting would be like. Take a photo together as proof they say him then back to business.

I initially took it personally that my kids had uninterested grandparents but they come from a generation where remaining childless wasn't as acceptable as today and it's normal from grandparents to work and live far away.

I line next door to a couple in their 70s who absolutely adore their grandchildren and I know how excited she was to see them after restrictions were lifted. All kids deserve grandparents like that but it's not something that my kids have in their lives. They have phone good things going for them so it's part of our family's normal. It would have been nice to have good grandparents but I'm happy that they've not been damaged by uninterested ones.

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 12:56

CareBearsCare · 27/04/2022 12:49

I never thought it would be possible for my parents to be so unloving and so unkind.

Did you have a happy childhood ?

The fact that they've asked you not to tell others that they are bad grandparents is very telling what a meeting would be like. Take a photo together as proof they say him then back to business.

I initially took it personally that my kids had uninterested grandparents but they come from a generation where remaining childless wasn't as acceptable as today and it's normal from grandparents to work and live far away.

I line next door to a couple in their 70s who absolutely adore their grandchildren and I know how excited she was to see them after restrictions were lifted. All kids deserve grandparents like that but it's not something that my kids have in their lives. They have phone good things going for them so it's part of our family's normal. It would have been nice to have good grandparents but I'm happy that they've not been damaged by uninterested ones.

Yes I'd say my childhood was happy.

My mums mum was always around to help.

I don't think my parents even realize the stress that they're causing.

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backtobusy · 27/04/2022 13:00

What do you say when they say,"don't tell anyone"
I would be honest and say to your parents that your dc don't have any contact with them so really don't know who they are.

Why lie to make them feel better.

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 13:05

backtobusy · 27/04/2022 13:00

What do you say when they say,"don't tell anyone"
I would be honest and say to your parents that your dc don't have any contact with them so really don't know who they are.

Why lie to make them feel better.

My mum and dad went apoplectically mad because I told them that when someone was talking to my son a few weeks ago the person asked...

"How do you like your other grandparents?"

My son answered

"I don't know them."

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Franklin12 · 27/04/2022 13:05

The thing is they WILL come running to you when they struggle as they get older and it probably wont be pretty looking at the way they are now. They will guilt trip you into helping them and have you run ragged. A friend of mine had exactly this and now allows her parents to call her anytime they need anything (they are early 80's) and pester her until she has done what they want in the way they want it. Never mind she works and she has her own family. I have elderly parents (divorced a number of years ago) and you need to set boundaries but a lot of older people become very self absorbed with their own wants and needs.

I agree with PP's. They arent interested now but will expect you to be 100% when they need something.

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 27/04/2022 13:09

Franklin12 · 27/04/2022 13:05

The thing is they WILL come running to you when they struggle as they get older and it probably wont be pretty looking at the way they are now. They will guilt trip you into helping them and have you run ragged. A friend of mine had exactly this and now allows her parents to call her anytime they need anything (they are early 80's) and pester her until she has done what they want in the way they want it. Never mind she works and she has her own family. I have elderly parents (divorced a number of years ago) and you need to set boundaries but a lot of older people become very self absorbed with their own wants and needs.

I agree with PP's. They arent interested now but will expect you to be 100% when they need something.

I'm still getting it in the neck for not helping my dad with a building project last summer.

No consideration of my wife and I working full time with a toddler and literally no spare time.

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