Apathetic Grand Parents

[Puzzledparent122]

Hello I know this is Mumsnet but as a dad I want to ask for other peoples thoughts.

My wife and I have an amazing, happy and wonderful toddler who'll be three soon.

When my son was born my parents in law came over from Asia and gave five months of constant care for my son, my wife and when myself. Cleaning, cooking, child care etc etc etc.

My parents on the other hand have been totally apathetic pretty much since day 1.

My mum is 74 in perfect health and dad is 72 and again in perfect health. They say they can't leave their house due to Covid although they're fully jabbed etc.

My mum hasn't seen my son since Dec 2019 and my dad hasn't seen my son Jan 2020.

My parents live about 1 hour 15 mins away and even when I've said... "I'll bring my son over and you can see him in your garden so there's no chance of you catching Covid." The answer has been multiple times that they cancel at the very last minute.

If I arranged for them to drive through and see us in our garden again they cancel again at the last minute.

If I ask to FaceTime my mum will say she doesn't like that modern technology.

If I send photos on WhatsApp there's no text back to say thanks or take interest but if I send to my parents in law they immediately text back.

If I point out that it would do then good to leave the house, get some fresh air and see their grandson I'm told how manipulative I am and also I haven't appreciated what they've done for me growing up etc.

Both my wife and I are very confused and quite hurt.

Sorry for the rant... has anyone else encountered this and am I being reasonable?

So what happens at birthdays and Christmas then, you don’t see each other at all? Do they send presents for your son? Have you not seen them since 2019/2020? Their reaction about you not telling anyone that they don’t see him is odd. I think you need a proper conversation with them. Ask if they’re genuinely not bothered or if there’s something else going on.

*My mum and dad went apoplectically mad because I told them that when someone was talking to my son a few weeks ago the person asked...

"How do you like your other grandparents?"

My son answered

"I don't know them."*

Since they didn't organise a quick meet up to rectify this, it proves that they aren't at all interested. Did you let your mum go mad at you? The fact that they've never met is not your doing and I would tell my mum that.

Were they excited when your wife was pregnant or were they happy to have the chance to tell their friends and acquaintances that they were going to be grandparents?

My parents live abroad. They come back when it suits them (and only then) and almost always in term time. I don’t resent that they are not giving childcare (although there’s no denying it makes things really hard) but I do resent how they just don’t seem to care about being there for DD. Last year they happened to be in the UK for Christmas (first time since DD was 2) and they chose to spend Christmas with another family member. Not us. They will be coming for DDs birthday because she, herself begged them to. They’ve been around for a couple of her birthdays, but only by chance. Not being there for me, well I’m an adult, that’s OK. Not spending Christmas with your only grandchild? By choice? Jeez, poor kid. It’s so hard to give her a nice celebration with no wider family visiting for occasions.

I’ll keep the relationship open because I don’t want to model LC with your parents for DD. I have a good adult relationship and a working relationship with them and as parents I have no issues at all with them. But as grandparents, they really suck.

"Don't tell anybody we're not seeing your grandson as we don't want anybody thinking we're not good grand parents."

This is so sad and strange- they must know they're not good grandparents. Do they think it's all down to covid maybe? (I know you said they weren't keen before but it sounds like it's stepped up a level- maybe they justify it to themselves as a response to covid.)

A friend's parents have done something similar and basically announced to the family that they won't be seeing them again ever because of fear of covid. Awful fear and paranoia taking away large parts of people's lives.

They're missed my sons first and second birthdays and most likely his 3rd birthday in a few months too.

My mum saw my son last Dec 2019 and my dad last saw my son Feb 2020.

If I mention about meeting up they call me manipulative and unappreciative etc as I'm pushing them to meet up.

I'm growing very tired of all the nonsense but I feel very guilty because it's my parents.

Goodness knows what the answer is.

Are they out and about seeing friends etc?

My mum actually said "We're fantastic grand parents as we look at the pictures you send us on WhatsApp."

Absolutely not at all... Covid is out to get them apparently.

I hope you laughed when your mum said that and when she asked why you're laughing explained that your grandmother is the sort of person who is a good grandparent.

In fact I'm actually worried about them too...

The fear of Covid is so strong that they're living inside a bubble that they can't see out of.

Even when I tell them that the two of the should go for a walk outside as the exercise will do them good they won't leave the house.

Sadly this Covid has created very strong Agoraphobia.

My parents are the same, and always have been. My in laws died before meeting my children.

My best advice is to accept that they are simply not interested, it hurts like hell, but acceptance is key. You can not change them, and it really is best to not even try.

No matter how many beautiful photos you send, loving drawings from your toddler and effort you put in, you will not change their base of indifference. Reflect back to your childhood? Were they highly engaged, affectionate loving parents that cherished you? Wild guess on my part, that is a no then.

Celebrate the fact you have at least one set of Gps that adore your baby, and make every effort to involve them as much as you can despite the distance.Make them a priority now. Build a close network around your family unit of close friends and maybe more interested family members and choose to be happy without them.

Your child will not notice the difference, as he has never had them in his life. My dc did not care as long as we were around for them. GPs is an optional relationship at least. Look after your own unit, and consider going forward how often you wish to see them/help them out in future given their total indifference.
Sorry op it is hard but time is a great healer

Very wise words indeed...

It is painful but unfortunately that's life and somethings can't be changed I guess.

It is what it is....

Covid would not stop them sending loving messages when you send through photos
Covid would not stop lots of phone calls, letters and even parcels to you and your children (they can be collected from the house)
Covid does not stop them asking you how he is, what he is doing etc.
Even the most fearful see people in the garden at a distance

Covid is a fig leaf. My parents don't go out for the same reason (covid), but make a few exceptions, be very interested in those 'exceptions' op, and note you are not a priority for them sadly, and nor is your son. Move on with your life, you can't make people care.

Don't contact them, if they're bothered they can contact you and if they choose to gob off about anything, hang up.

They've been very clear about not giving a shit. Believe them. Return that mindset.
What possible benefit to your kid would there be to know such shitty people? Just because they share genes? Nah.

I'll bet 'everything they did for you' as a kid was simply parenting a kid they chose to have. They don't need thanked for that.

You have the double whammy of being disappointed in your own parents and having PIL from a culture who feel it is a matter of honour to care for their own families. YANBU to be disappointed, but probably need to just suck it up and get on with things, while being incredibly grateful for your PIL!

It’s possible that they have aged a lot in the last couple of years and don’t want you to see how old they have become. One of them might have started having memory issues and the other be struggling to cope.

You are making excuses for them lizzie getting old doesn't stop you caring for other people! It might mean you can't run the London marathon or remember a name or two, you might have creaky knees and a sore back but you still deeply care for your children and your darling grandchildren regardless of age.

Remember one thing if nothing else op:

This is not your fault
This is on them
You have given them every chance to meet up on their terms
You have tried your best

Whatever the issue, it is their issue.
Focus on what is good in your life, remember this is their loss, be the best Dadda you can be to your tot and make up for their lack of interest with double helpings from you. You might even find that being independent frees up your headspace to make the most of your own little family, and feel deeply grateful that you have been blessed with a family to call your own. Refuse to get drawn into the negative. Let them go with love.

My grandparents never had any interest in me or my siblings and I grew up knowing this. I grew up to witness many times how my aunts children (cousins) were more favoured and loved and I resented this. This hurt me a lot growing up but the difference is that my dad never accepted this. He forced us to see my grandparents and forced us to have a relationship and never accepted that his sisters children were more valuable to his parents. I have a toddler myself and I think it will hurt me thousand times harder knowing my parents or my in-laws behaving like my own gp's and I would never forgive them for that and nothing will be the same for me ever again and wouldn't remain in contact with them. I would never want to subject my child to what I have experienced as a child and it's not a nice feeling to experience when your young and you know you're family but not loved or cared about is hurtful. Children feel and know better about this.

What was the relationship like before you had your child ? Did you make time for them ?

Sorry to hear this

I. time as I and many others have done -you will get over the anger and disappointment and adapt.

We have had a similar experience with a few relatives - but as my husband says you cant expect to take out what you never bothered to put in.

And whilst we have kept cordial relations I know myself and my husband wont be going very much out of out way for certain relatives as they age. And to some of them that will be a bit of a surprise as some I believe are naively of the opinion that being family means we all have to look after them if they are ill etc.Sorry but uou have spent the last 15 years not giving a sh*t about us or our kids so wont be getting involved and wont be feeling any guilt about it

Mine was the same
in 20 years she saw the grandchildren a handful of times ,like 6 at most .
she was invited every Christmas to stay offered our bedroom and allowed her dog upstairs,when ours were not allowed up .
never once came ..the six times were us doing the 8 hour round trip in a day ,often to arrive at designated time to her out walking the dog .
she didn’t give a shiny shit .
fast forward
and she’s got dementia,and I’m the silly cow ,doing everything,..everything…..ffs

I (very gently) think it would be a great idea for you to seek some therapy to come to terms with your parents' frankly horrible decision-making and to help you put that to rest and sort out some boundaries you are comfortable with.

Because believe you me, when one of them dies, everything changes. I'll keep this brief bc my situation is very different in that my parents adored my son, but my relationship with my dad was always totally hands-off and difficult until my mother died. Now the amount that he wants/expects from me is enormous and I'm having to work out how to deal with that. It would have been SO much better to have dealt with some of the emotional baggage of my childhood before the practical demands started coming in...

Amen to that ..indeed I too should of dealt with things before having to take over as POA

I second talking it out, making some firm decisions about boundaries and being unavailable, very low contact.

My dp will be having carers as and when the time comes, and I won't be running myself into the ground for them at any point for any reason. gand you can stop if you want to, you owe nothing and it just creates deep resentment that continues through the generations. Put your love and energy into your own children, book the carers or the care home and take a step back and reclaim your time and self respect.