Bond with child severed?

[Notsleepingandnotcoping]

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but I am feeling so much resentment and to be honest rage towards my child just now, I hate him. I feel like he’s ruined my life, to be honest. I know these are powerful words but I haven’t slept in days, my back is in absolute agony and I’m just sick to death of it all. It’s like a horrible job there is no break from at all. I did love him once but I hate him now.

I do wonder if Ds can tell how you feel towards him?

Can you go to family therapy? You and your DH (he belongs to BOTH of you) need to get this sorted now. It won't get better by magic.

In the short term, get your pain meds sorted (also live with chronic pain so can identify). Take a day or two of annual leave and sleep while Ds is at nursery.

Then make a plan about how you can both sort this out

I remember reading once, the opposite of love is not hate, it’s apathy. I am pretty sure you don’t hate your child. But obviously you are extremely frustrated at failing at something you hoped by this stage would be improving (the sleep problems) and in pain. Chronic pain wears away at your ability to cope.

i would give you two pieces of advice:
Plan with your DH that you will go out after tea and then he will do an identical routine of bath, milk, story and bedtime, every night for a week. My kids behave totally differently when I’m in the house.

Second, deal with the back pain. If it is physio you need , find the money for some private sessions and do the exercises religiously. Go without to find the money if need be. If you deal with the pain you will have better perspective.

If your dc is NT, as you state, and no medical issues, then everything is a phase, and everything can be retrained. To be frank - if you died tomorrow, do you think your dc would never sleep again because dc will never sleep for daddy? no. It is a biological certainty your son would sleep.

My son would never settle for DP until I went back to work and did some night shifts. And then he had no choice. The first night it took 2 hours of screaming for DP to get him down, the next an hour and then the next 20 minutes. And the relief when I had days off and DP could do bed time and night wake ups was incredible.

Maybe show your child you are leaving the house at bedtime, wave goodbye and then sneak back in so he doesn't know you are in the house? And then leave DP to it.

I make sure they have a full tummy at night time, give him a good supper with protein and carbs like beans on toast or toast with gammon and some milk. He might be hungry at nights and I’d still give him. Bottle of milk at night even though he is 17ish months. Just make sure his teeth are brushed twice a day so milk acid won’t erode them. Good luck and wishing you a better night this evening.

It's shit op, you're exhausted and everything you try makes things worse. I've been there.

In the end, you have to sever this nighttime sleep association. I know how difficult it is, but the only way it'll get better is if you have a short period where it's worse.

I know you've said you can't take time off, but can your DH? If he takes over bedtime and night wakings there will be more screaming for a few days and then your DS will learn that you're not coming, no matter how much he screams and settle for your DH. I know you won't be able to sleep whilst he's screaming - but you're not sleeping now. You could watch television or go out for a night time walk. I've done both.

Failing that, you go in to him but just don't pick him up. Yes, he'll scream but he can't keep it up forever. It's not a magic fix, but I've had to do it with both of my children. They're still not perfect sleepers, but at 2 & 4 it's manageable after some very difficult years.

A sleep constant might help - not because they'll tell you anything groundbreaking , but because once you've paid for the advice you're more likely to follow it.

Again, sorry if this advice is patronising. Of course it's all easier said than done, but I couldn't just read your post and not say something. I've been there and I needed help.

I promise you I get it. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. People who haven't suffered it, who think you are just 'very tired' have zero concept of what it actually does to you. Your hatred of your child is a natural response to him as the source of your torture.

From what you say, his crying for you and only you, his settling only when you are around suggests he's not actually ill. Some children scream all night due to pain but he doesn;t sound like one of them.

Forgive me for seeming to rehash previous advice, but I'm suggesting it with a different intent. It's possible that he's picked up on your stress around him - your raised cortisol etc and is having an instinctive reaction to it by constantly checking you won't desert him. His job as a 17-month-old is simply to survive and his best chance of doing so is to keep you right by him at all times.

So my suggestion (which I tried myself for reasons similar to yours) is to love bomb him, To overly reassure him you are here and love him. You can pretend to love for now. That works. Co sleep with him. I know it's not lovely and cuddly. I know he will wriggle and squirm. DH and I once woke up on the floor either side of the double bed with tiny squirmy screaming spark out alone on the bed. I understand. But if you cuddle him and sing to him and do 48 hours of massive over-indulgent reassurance that you're going nowhere, then he might relax a bit. It wasn't a magic trick for us, but it did work.

If I had my time again, I would get into debt to pay for a night nurse once a week while i booked into a travelodge and slept through. The need for an unbroken night, to restore your sanity, your mood, your mind, your strength - it should be a legal clause in motherhood. It should be your right, at least once a week.

I’m so sorry OP, I will say it does get better but it does take time.
My DD refused to sleep without me from day one, I did give in and co-slept with her but even then we went through sleep regressions and we were functioning on 1/2 hours sleep a night, it was hell and we were exhausted.
I couldn’t ever put her down, even in the day time I had to take her with me EVERYWHERE.
If I put her down in her play pen to have a wee she would cry so hard she’d throw up, I was terrified of leaving her so I had to drag her bouncy chair around the house with me so if I ever needed to put her down I could.
She is much older now, I’m not going to lie bed time has always been difficult for her but we eventually got to a point where it was so much easier once she started sleeping through the night and I could sleep in my own bed again.
I know you say you can’t take time off work, can you arranging staying with a friend/family member for a night or two on a weekend to give yourself a break? I’d also speak to your GP and health visitor if you haven’t already to see if they can offer any additional support or advise.
Does your child have any additional needs?
There are sleep charities that offer help to parents, Cebra would wonderful to speak to and helped us with our daughter.

OP I couldn’t read this and not respond. You’ve had loads of advice (some of which I personally rate and some of which I couldn’t personally implement - anything involving co-sleeping would just never have worked for me). But I’m not sure you want advice…

Sleep deprivation drives people to extreme depths emotionally and physically. It literally leads to cell death. You have endured 17 months of absolute hell and I echo PP who said that anyone who describes you as ‘tired’ simply hasn’t been there. You are beyond tired at this point!

I have a PhD in the anthropology of sleep and work in the field. I just wanted to validate your position really. Anyone surviving on <3 hours/night for an extended period, working and taking care of a toddler would be totally screwed.

I would be happy to provide advice, which would be in line with capitalising on the circadian rhythm together with reconfiguring sleep associations. But this is hard work, and you need to be totally committed to doing it (probably for around 5-10 days since baby is a bit older) and 100% consistent. The question is whether you have the wherewithal to ‘dig deep’ at this time and go through more acute short term pain for long term gain. The older baby gets, the harder it will be, so you’re in a tough place. I really hope you can find the final store of energy together with DH and turn things around. Totally appreciate it feels like you can dig no deeper and go no further right now.

This sounds awful, feel so sorry for you.

Does your husband feel the same way - no bond, I mean? If you both feel like that maybe you could think about giving him up/having him stay with a relative. People used to do it a lot more in the olden days. Or if your husband doesn’t want this you could leave and become a weekend parent? I would consider this in your case.

Not a real solution but it does help, I know as I tried it, book a very cheap hotel room for a couple of nights and as long as your DP is on board (as he will get no sleep) go and stay there and leave them to it. It is really hard, and difficult not to get resentful. You need to rant as much as you want but the toddler could be picking up on your frustration making the situation worse. If possible, take yourself out of it for a few days.

Not trying to get your back up OP but people are trying to be generally helpful and think of solutions to your problems. Sleep deprivation is horrible. I've had two terrible sleepers, the eldest who is now 5 has still never slept through the night but I don't hate her for it.

If you are feeling this bad I think you need to go to your GP and explain how terrible you are feeling and also get your bsby checked to see if there is anything causing the night wakings.

You say that DH can't settle your child but it would need to be a consistent approach it won't happen over night, it will take weeks before he can settle your baby. There's not going to be a magic overnight cure for it but if you are feeling so desperate that you hate your child what other option do you have?

I know you say you hate ear plugs but surely that is preferable to the way you are feeling now, most parents have to go through this to if they want to get a partner to settle a child.

Go to the GP, get your baby to the gP, buy some earlplugs, put the telly up and let DH settle your baby, I don't see what other option you have?