Bond with child severed?

[Notsleepingandnotcoping]

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but I am feeling so much resentment and to be honest rage towards my child just now, I hate him. I feel like he’s ruined my life, to be honest. I know these are powerful words but I haven’t slept in days, my back is in absolute agony and I’m just sick to death of it all. It’s like a horrible job there is no break from at all. I did love him once but I hate him now.

But he won’t sleep for DH, @SleepingStandingUp I have said this. So what do you actually want him to do?

I’m not sure about something like Home Start. It’s primarily nights I need help with as am at work all day anyway.

No one is saying you don't have a problem, I'm angry on your behalf that you feel this is your burden, and you'll just have to hate life and hate your kid forever because, well that's your responsibility.

Will he sleep in the car? How easily can you transfer him from car to house? Drive til he sleeps then DH sit up with him?

Have you tried a whole night where DH stays with him and you go to a hotel?

Does he like being with Dad without you in the day time? Could he take him out for the day on a weekend and you sleep then?

If Dad can't handle him in the day, he needs to work on that.

This child isn't your burden to bear, he's both of yours. And if that means DS crying more, we'll he's being held by someone who loves him, he's fed, he's warm, he's dry. He will sleep.

What has the GP said about silent reflux?

Let you sleep. If that means that he sits up all night with him, or takes him to the zoo all day, then that is what happens. You need looking after too and you need to sleep.

Have you tried DH having him all night? If you tell me DH say and held him and he cried for 11 hours then I'll retract my thoughts in your DH but you still need him to do that so you can sleep.

Even getting up and taking over at 5, every morning Inc weekends and letting you sleep til 10 would help you

I don’t think he’s got silent reflux. If he was screaming due to being in pain lying down he would stop when picked up which makes sense except he continues screaming if DH picks him up.

I am actually with you on that, I wish DH would go out with DS for the day but it’s challenging getting him to leave the house at the best of times. So that we agree on. I just think if I’m going to complain about DH it should be based in fairness. DS screams if DH goes to him at night. Fine, let him scream except it’s not like I’m having a relaxing nights sleep then anyway.

Why wouldn't he let you sleep if you booked a day off? I know yo u said he's wfh but surely he doesn't need to be that loud.

It sounds like he's screaming For you. If your DH goes to him without fail, your baby will learn that there's no benefit to screaming and he will eventually learn to go back to sleep on his own. It will take a few days, but is worth it. It has to be every single time though. If you go sometimes the baby will get the message to scream more.

Ear plugs!

Yes but like I say it doesn’t actually help, I’m not getting any more sleep from the baby learning this lesson. Anyway, I do need to try to sleep. I’m just absolutely raging. Was full of resentment when the first scream of the night happened.

MN and their bloody ear plugs.

ear plugs are horrible, point one, I fucking hate things in my ears

ear plugs do not cancel sound they only muffle it

OK so you're exhausted beyond compare and he refuses to take his own son out so you can get some rest. I'll entitled to think he's being a shitty husband unless you're telling him DS sleeps through and you're loving motherhood.

Book a cheap hotel room. Put him down to bed and leave. Turn your phone off. Do it on a day when DH can catch up on sleep.

DS loves you more than anyone in the universe. Which is why he settles easier for you if you hold him. You have the top he likes to put his hand down, you smell right, you hold him in the right position. Dad is fine but he doesn't do it like you. But if you walk out tomorrow and don't come back he'd have to work it out. DS wouldn't just never sleep e er again. He'd have to find a way to settle him. Car, buggy, the soothing bits of Cbeebies, no own cares how but he would have to learn.

Your at your wits end and you are not alone OP. Time to ask for some support from a family member, maybe a grandparent could have the toddler overnight.
Its so frustrating but you need to become closer and available to the toddler. Perhaps take some time off work or give yourself a break and bond again with the little one. They’re hard work but he needs you.
Im cosleeping with my three year old again as she’s going through a stage where she just needs company. Doesn’t happen every night though and I sneak away into her single bed.
Just know that the bond is not broken and you are not alone. But time to make some positive changes.

All babies wake up several times in the night. Most of them don't make a sound, roll about a bit, grab their feet, go back to sleep. That's what sleeping through is. They don't actually sleep through. Sometimes you have to teach them the habit, but if they get something good (you) when they scream, they get in the screaming habit.

Fully agree, they give me ear ache. How about something that doesn't go down your ear but you can play music on? I had an eye mask with integrated earplugs so it went OVER not in and then I could blue tooth white noise / music to

Yes OK @SleepingStandingUp if you like. I’m a piece of shit and that’s all I deserve yes I get it. Thanks.

There are no grandparents and I can’t take time off work.

And I get the rage op, I Do. When I feel it I tell DH he needs to go and sort them and I cry into my pillow (I'm not a screamer), put headphones on and sleep.

When have I called you a piece of shit? I've said he's being a shitty husband not you being shit.

You didn’t, I did.

I've jsit reread my last five messages. I have no idea why you think I've called you a piece of shit who deserves this?? I've said he's letting you down unless you've lied and he thinks e everything is fine, as in if he doesn't know he can't help. That doesn't mean you deserve it. It was my singular caveat for excusing DHfor not doing more.

I've told you your DS adores you but ultimately your DH needs to learn to do his job.

Don’t you have any friends or relatives whatsoever? If you were my friend I’d tell you to leave them to it and come sleep in my bed for a week while I have the sofa.

But you're not.
You're exhausted.
You love him else you'd be able to sleep through him crying and you wouldn't feel so cut up about leaving him with DH when you know he prefers you.
None of that makes you a piece of shit or a bad Mom and not of it suggests you actually hate him. Just that you hate where your life is right now.

You sound really angry and frustrated but never put yourself or the baby at risk of harm. There is some good advice on Parentline for this sort of crisis.
ps I’m with Doona on this, she said by the third child, she’s learnt to ignore and the kid soon learnt to self settle. I experienced that too.
mid it possible to go to the GO and ask for something to help your nerves? Crying infants are known to provoke anxiety in parents so you may need medication to calm yourself down.

i wouldn’t expect any of my friends to come and stay in my house and see to my child, or have my child at theirs for a week.

no relations.

I am in a lot of pain which always makes me really bad tempered and generally unpleasant to be around.

Hey OP,

That sounds really tough and realistically a 17 months old should not be screaming at night anymore.

How long does he cry for if you don't go ? Or do you always go hold him after a few minutes ?

Honestly you have merit because in your place I'd probably have whipped out ear plugs and decided that I'm getting at least 6 hours of sleep tonight, screaming or not.

Does your husband manage to sleep through the screaming ? Or what does he do ?

I do think that you going away for the night would help. If your DS knows you aren't there, there's no point screaming. (He'll still scream obviously but he's more likely to stop sooner). He needs to learn to settle for dad. But for it to work you'd have to keep at it for at least a couple of weeks.

Honestly considering how bad it is I don't really have a better suggestion than either you going away or using ear plugs. Your child is in bed, safe, fed, clean. Crying for a night won't hurt him. I'm probably gonna be called an awful parent on here but I think it's more dangerous for your child to have a sleep-deprived mom than to be left in his cot for the night.

Sleep consultant if you can afford it.

Your DH absolutely 100% needs to take your son outside on the weekends so you can sleep. It doesn't matter if he cries. You're the parents, you are in charge. If you've decided that he's going to the park with daddy then that's what he's doing, it's not a democracy and he doesn't get a vote.

Your DH also needs to take care of the housework in the week if he doesn't already. Cleaning, groceries, cooking, washing. You both can relax your standards obviously as you have a lot on your plate but if you're up all night soothing a baby he can bloody well do other things so you don't have to. Maybe he already does that, if so that's good (but he still doesn't get out of being a dad the rest of the time).

So yeah, that's long but to sum it up - you may have to just let your son cry. You can't control how he reacts to your rules, but you do decide what rules to have and they need to be sustainable for you. The current situation just cannot continue. You sound at breaking point, which is totally understandable. You need to step back big time.

Try acting-sis if ur in Uk, lines open 24 hours I think. Here is the link
www.cry-sis.org.uk/