Bond with child severed?

[Notsleepingandnotcoping]

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but I am feeling so much resentment and to be honest rage towards my child just now, I hate him. I feel like he’s ruined my life, to be honest. I know these are powerful words but I haven’t slept in days, my back is in absolute agony and I’m just sick to death of it all. It’s like a horrible job there is no break from at all. I did love him once but I hate him now.

OP my son did not sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old so I feel your sleep deprivation.
What I ended up doing was drawing a picture of a baby's body on a large A3 sheet and going through every part of his body and considering what could possibly be affecting his sleep.
I think if a child is screaming this much they have a physical issue.
If you only do one thing my suggestion is you take him to a cranial oestopath who specialises in babies. Children get crushed up /their nerves get crushed during the birth process and this can make them feel uncomfortable when they sleep. If this is the case you will notice an immediate difference after one session. If you have health insurance then sometimes they pay for this.
From some of the things you have said about yourself it sounds like you might have sensory issues? Maybe he does too - I'm guessing at 17 months he is no longer swaddled. Did he sleep better when he was a smaller baby and you swaddled him at night?
One of the reasons my son screamed was he had an undiagnosed diary intolerance. Is he pulling his legs towards himself?
He was also getting gastric reflux so acid burn when he lay down. This was resolved with medicine and raising the top of his bed so it was on a slight slope and he was never flat.
Another reason my son screamed was he had excema that you could not see - it only showed up one day when my husband put him in a shower that was a bit too warm and we could see his spots. He was screaming because he was itchy.
Sleep deprivation is the worse thing. And to compound things its hard to think clearly when you are tired. I really hope you can take him to a cranial oestopath as I have recommended this to about 12 mums and all of them found it helped.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. It sounds very, very hard.

Is your DH getting more sleep than you?

I understand that you don't feel these suggestions are helpful but in a situation like this, especially with you both working, I would be asking my DH to share the load a bit more to prevent me having a breakdown (which is what you sound on the verge of).

The first thing you need is a chunk of uninterrupted sleep. I would be booking an airbnb/Hotel for the weekend and leaving DS with DH. After that, I'd do shifts. If DS won't sleep for your DH, it makes sense for you to go to bed as soon as you get back from work and get as much sleep as you can while your DH does dinner/bath for your DS and tries to put him to bed. If he screams, you can get up then but hopefully he'll get used to your DH doing bedtime eventually and you can just deal with the night wakings, having had a chunk of sleep. You also need to split the weekends... your DH takes DS out for a few hours, either morning or afternoon, so you can sleep.

I know you said you didn't want a pile-on regarding your DH but your son has two parents. This is not your problem to bear alone. Splitting shifts may be the answer for now.

Sorry I forgot to address the 'hate' thing. I've been that low - but my son now is the most adorable teen boy and I am so lucky to have him in my life. You are exhausted - you feel like you hate him but you hate the situation. Once you can sort his sleep out the love for him will come shining back through. I am very sorry you are experiencing this but I can promise you it does get better.

the way you talk about your child is concerning. thats not normal no matter what problems you have, i would consider either giving him up for adoption or leaving your dh to it.

When my son was little, (he is now 25 so thus could be out of date) he suffered from severe travel sickness. We found that after discussing with his doctor a small dose of Benadryl helped this but also made him really sleepy too. Another alternative could be melatonin. A short use of either of these might help with sleep. Perhaps discuss with your GP as it is vlearlgg to having a major effect on your lives

Op i feel your pain, my dd is now 2 and it has gotten better but still not amazing. At 18 months I lost the plot and couldn't cope any longer with the constant night wakings, waking at 2am and screaming for hours until 6am for eg. I did consult a sleep consultant then and to be fair I did what she recommend and things got much better. Like that id hear the first scream of the night and instantly be in bad form. It is pure sleep deprivation and it is sh^t.

I cried more times than I can remember, sitting on a chair in her room with her jumping all over me and if I tried to put her down she screamed and screamed.

Bottom line is that your baby probably hasn't learned to self.soothe so when they wake at night they need assistance to go back asleep. A sleep consultant will help you to break that. I contacted one on Instagram and she just gave me advice online and I didnt have to pay, I implemented it and life was wonderful, I would consider paying now again as we have moved dd to a bed and still are getting maybe 3 nights a week when she wakes. She isn't awake tonight and I am...my sleep patterns are all over the place too.

Its total sh^te. I have huge sympathy for you. Thankfully my Dh gets the same reaction as me most nights so we share the pain but most nights I find it difficult to go back to sleep.and sometimes she only wants mammy.

I'm sorry OP babies can be assholes....although not really through any fault of their own. Please, for your sanity, contact a sleep consultant. Throw the books out the window and just do it. And at 17 months he definitely still needs his 2 hour nap if not more. Sleep breeds sleep. Maybe he needs to restore to 2 naps. My 2 older dd all regulated sleeping naturally by around 15 months but youngest dd hasn't done that so it's not you...all.babies are different.

Good luck and sending a handhold x

No advice from me, just sympathy. I've been there. Sleep deprivation is pure torture and drives you to a very dark place.

One day you will sleep through the night again, this isn't forever. I hope it comes soon for you.

You won’t have a relaxing night that night or maybe the next but if your DH makes the effort and shares the nights and your DS grows to trust him, you will in the future. Your DH should be doing more how is it fair that you work yet you do all of the night wake ups and how did it get there? If my experience is anything to go by it’s because your DH refuses to do nights when you were on ML and then DS didn’t want him at night while refusing to accept you can’t do everything on so little sleep…

Go to the GP and talk through how you feel.

I understand. Had the same, only mine would often scream whatever I did for hours upon hours. No advice worked, no sleep training worked, no cosleeping worked. He had everything I could buy/try, cranial bloody osteopathy didn’t work. It can be hard to accept, and hard for others to understand, that sometimes absolutely nothing works.

In my case my son was autistic (this was apparent way before 17 months and I’m not suggesting your son has ASD). I definitely hated him at times, but when the fog lifted still loved him and had a bond so I wouldn’t presume that has permanently gone.

My exH was a useless piece of shit and never ever helped. Only you know if your H is willing to step up (I didn’t admit this at the time). Doesn’t matter if your son still screams, or if you can’t sleep; he needs to give you time without a baby on you and he needs to share the burden.

Fwiw, I’m writing this at 5am having been pestered since 2. Probably had about 1.5 hours sleep in total, so in my case it still happens but it’s much more infrequent and I can cope a lot better. I have been internally screaming stfu and go to fucking sleep you little monster for the past couple of hours. I’ll be fine in the morning and even though it’s impossible to believe right now, you will be fine again too.

sympathy and solidarity!

@JennyForeigner has given some seriously good advice here.

@Notsleepingandnotcoping - I feel your pain. DS10 was the same but it wasn't just all night, it was all day too. Reflux, then dairy intolerance were diagnosed. The GP put it more bluntly: "he's allergic to your breast milk" (I know that now had I given up dairy it might have helped but DS' father was crap so I simply couldn't envisage giving up chocolate or cheese).

Essentially, because he was in pain, he screamed.

It was 3 years before it was fully sorted and to this day I don't know how I managed. Thankfully he was a very cute baby (when he wasn't screaming, quite rare). He loved being in the bath and I think that's what eased his tummy pain, he also would sleep in the car but wake the minute I stopped which made me furious (I would have napped in the car otherwise).

Just want to offer a handhold because I know how fucking miserable it is. And some cake.

Does anyone in rl no u feel this way op?

This sounds really hard. I'm sorry you're having to go through it.

Back pain can't be helping. Is it related, from picking child up/holding in awkward positions or a separate issue? Have you been to the dr for help with the pain or found anything that helps?

I read there can be a sleep regression around this age. So hopefully things will get better again!

huckleberrycare.com/blog/18-month-sleep-regression-what-parents-need-to-know

I'm no expert, ours used to scream on every wake and every transfer when young, I was a softie and at 1yo still hold her to get to sleep and then for another 20 minutes into deep sleep, now she will transfer asleep and often sleep through. I also played the same soothing music every time and if she struggles to get to sleep now, the music normally works. I can relate to feeling entirely touched out, it's horrible. I would consider trying anything you can to lower stress for parents and toddler like walks, baths, yoga, exercise, soothing music, time to yourself, time in nature or with animals, just lying in a darkened room or whatever floats your boat, it's no magic bullet but may ease things a little to help you all get through this. Hope things get better soon for you

Hi op. I hear every word. I know you're reluctant to discuss your dh and I also understand that because I too am the default parent who is the only one who can settle the kids etc. It's enraging beyond words. I am however a bit further down the line from you and honestly if I could go back and change anything about that dynamic I would because it doesn't just stop with problems sleeping. It becomes EVERYTHING. Mine are now 12,10 and 8 and to this day anything they need to be settled / calmed from, it falls to me because that's all we all know. And it's killing me frankly. While my dh says he would do anything to be able to take some of the burden and I believe him it obviously benefits him hugely that it's not possible. I know the frustration of lying in bed trying to prove a point by letting dh deal with it and thinking I'm still awake I might as well be down there sorting it more quickly but I'd advise you to rethink that. I never did and I regret it. The benefit here is actually for your dc. They'll eventually get the message it will be dh who might also come in the night and even if they never sleep through the night you only have 50% of nights to worry about. Honestly I am still do filled with anger and resentment that I'm still in this position 12 years later and a large part of that is being annoyed with myself for letting it happen. Because it didn't have to be like this.

If he's screaming all night somethings wrong. Either he's in pain and the reason he's able to sleep on you is because the pain stops or he stops feeling frightened. If it's pain you need to go to gp and tell them what's happening. Or if your sure it's not pain then it's falling asleep, he only knows how to fall asleep on you which mean you need to teach him to go to sleep, there's lots of methods online/books so it's worth researching, what we did was lay beside him til he fell asleep then gradually reduced contact, so laying next to him with hand on him and slowly moving further away until not touching but in the room and eventually leaving the room. It takes weeks/months but it does work, once a child can settle then selves back to sleep they won't need to wake you to do it. The main reason babies wake is because they fall asleep in one place and wake in another which frightens them. Also dh and I tag teamed, I went to bed about 8pm -1am (ear plugs in) and then dh went to bed 1am- 6am and we survived on 5 hour sleep plus any extra we could grab during our shift. You do sound depressed I would encourage you to go to your gp or health visitor and tell them how you feel, ask for counselling or meditation what ever you feel will help.

My first was a terrible sleeper and at that age went through a phase of being awake between 2 and 5 am every night. Since the age of about 2 she’s been sleeping through the night most nights, occasionally waking once and being easily settled back to sleep.

I just wanted to give you some hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I emphasise with the rage. If it’s at all possible to pay a babysitter and go stay at a hotel overnight you should do it. Get a proper adult not a teenager and let them know he’s not a good sleeper, and pay well. One night will help you reset.

Thing is, some little kids just need a body to snuggle up to. He sounds like one of those kids. You may feel like you hate him but to him you are his whole everything. This does end eventually.

Sounds like you need someone else to take him so you can get a good kip. Can his dad not help?

OP

Get the Ferber book.

Read it.

Do it.

I had a two year old that would only sleep on my boob, kicked me all night and woke every hour, I went to the GP suicidal and he said 'you're not depressed just f*cking knackered'

It's hard work, DS will scream for a few nights but sounds like you're not sleeping anyway.

He will then sleep. As will you. And then you can both reassess.

If you're really at the end of your tether go stay in a hotel for a few days and get DH to do it.

Unless you try and change things nothing will change, DS is currently getting what he wants so he's got no need to change unless you force the issue.

Solidarity. No one understands the level of despair chronic sleep deprivation/touching brings unless they've been through it

I feel for you. My DS was the same had to be holding my breast or hand to sleep or he'd scream. Woke up all the time, always wide awake and ready for the day at 5.00 am. It was a killer I was so exhausted. I don't have any solutions to offer. I ended up co sleeping badly. He eventually grew out of it.
Can you sleep anywhere else for a few nights, tent in the garden ?, friend's house ? It will be tough for DH but after a few days your DC will realise you're not there at night and you could break the cycle.

I remember feeling like this so well. Mine didn’t sleep until he was 3. It felt like torture.

some practical steps:

1. Go away for a night this weekend. Just you. Even if you book into the nearest travelogue, just go there, get into the bed and sleep as much as you can. Your DH will jus have to cope. If he’s awake all night with your son, then oh well. It’s just one night and he isn’t working the next day so it doesn’t matter.
2. book a. Appointment with a cranial osteopath. They usually work with younger babies but your son might have something that can be fixed or eased especially if you had a csection, forceps or ventouse when he was born.
3. see if the cranial osteopathy helps - give it a few days. If it doesn’t it’s likely a habit that he’s got into that needs breaking. You could try controlled crying as he’s old enough for you to explain to. Leave to cry for 1 minute, go in, stroke his back and say he needs to go to sleep and you’ll be just outside the room. Then leave for 2 minutes, then 4, then 8 and so on. It’s tough and I couldn’t do it when my son was tiny because I felt cruel but 17 months is old enough for them to have a little more understanding.

I appreciate the replies. How I feel in the middle of the night and how I feel now are different. Realistically, a night in a hotel won’t solve anything and nor will Ferber et al.

DH and I just have far too much on, we are both struggling and doing our best but life is just hard right now.

You know what? Those things may very well solve things. Your life is feeling so difficult and impossible at the
moment because you are severely sleep deprived. If you can solve the sleep deprivation then everything else feels so much easier. You won’t lose anything by giving it a go. If it works then that’s brilliant. If it doesn’t work then you’re back here anyway which is where you would be for the foreseeable future if you don’t try the suggestions anyway. A night in a hotel won’t solve the sleep problem but it would stop you from feeling tired for the whole of the next day. The Ferber method or any other suggestion might not work…but it probably will or at least will improve things a bit.

I’m sure one of your friends could have your child for the weekend, I know I certainly would if one of my friends needed help. You sound so mentally and physically drained, sleep deprivation is just soul destroying.

I would either pay for a sleep consultant or get your husband to sleep on a mattress next to your sons cot for a few weeks. Yes you won’t get much sleep at first as you will still hear him crying but you say you aren’t getting much sleep anyway! He will very likely start sleeping much better within a few weeks.

You're in pain and sleep deprived. It's impossible to feel positive about anything. It's also hard to think creatively about how to break the cycle. You really need to, though. Somehow you need to get some sleep.

You could take a day's sick leave and sleep at home (assuming your DS goes to nursery).
You could sleep at a friend's house for a night, and leave your husband to cope.

What you can't do is carry on. It will make you ill. Really ill. And it could be tragic.

Its so so hard OP so you have my sympathy. Somebody posted higher up about the physical pain of sleep deprivation alongside the pure mental fatigue and I can so relate. I also hate co sleeping - if you’ve got a lovely snuggly baby who’s happy to be in your arms then great. It just sent DS even more wild! The clawing at my top/face/hair used to make me want to scream!

it got better for us at about 14 months. Combination of night weaning and me working night shifts did the trick of both dad and cot acceptance. You need to find what works for you though, for sure. It’s not a one-size-fits-all with baby sleep. It’s gruelling when you go back to work - I don’t know about you but I mostly am still surviving day by day a year down the line. Making changes often feels like too much mental strain compared to sticking with the status quo. It’s okay if you can’t face doing anything differently and you just want to come on here and say ‘this * sucks!’ We get you!

Good luck x