Telling kids to hit back

[TreeRoad]

My LO is starting nursery soon. They’re very young so will be in the baby room so this is more of a curiosity/hypothetical question.

I was having a glance through the various nursery policies and wondering what everyone’s stance on other kids hitting your child, and whether you tell them to hit back or take another approach?

Do you think it’s always wrong to use violence, even if the other person hits first? Or is it important that your child stands up for themselves and isn’t a target for bullies in the future?

My LO is my first and I haven’t really considered what I would tell them if the situation ever arose. Equally, I’d like to be prepared if it did.

I am in the "violence is always wrong" camp, though there have been robust debates about this on MN before.

I always told mine to use words, move away, and tell an adult - and tell me, because if the problem is ongoing I will raise a concern with the setting.

I think telling children to hit back does them a disservice, in that it undermines the message that using violence to solve problems is wrong, and deprives them of the opportunity to develop better, more useful strategies. It also very often doesn't solve the problem - it just means two children in trouble for hitting, rather than one.

No, I wouldn’t tell my kid to hit back. Hitting in nursery is usually just a phase, and while it will be upsetting at the time - it’s not likely to be prolonged or aimed at them specifically.

Me and my son read a book called “Hands are not for hitting” at bedtime occasionally (he’s 2) and it’s got a page about telling someone to stop and telling an adult if someone hits you.

I think I might feel differently about it if he was school age and being hit purposely, but I don’t think saying “hit back” really helps anybody.

Teach them that it’s always wrong to use violence.
In reality, as they get older, they will come across some children that frankly deserve someone turning round and retaliating, but until they’re older they don’t have the ability to process how bad something is and identifying the rare occasions when violence would be justified. Therefore it’s best to teach a ‘violence is wrong’ message.

Not at nursery.

Agree its an age thing. Told DS absolutely no hitting until just this year when bullies got quite aggressive (10 and 11), then had a serious chat and told him 'don't you ever start anything but you have the right to shove to protect yourself or yank someone off a buddy, also running away is totally acceptable'. IMHO he needs to feel he can protect himself, there isn't always a supportive adult around but at nursery there ought to be.

I had a couple of friends at school (in the early 2000s) whose parents told them that if someone ever hurt them and they didn’t hit them back, they’d hit them harder when they got home.

I think that mindset is rare now, but I do understand taking a different approach in the later childhood years.

My limited to under 10s experience is that every child I have known where the parents were firmly in the ‘always hit back camp’ had children who were known for starting things. I’ve ended up telling my children to avoid those children like the plague and I know I’m not alone in that.

Not at nursery because children hitting tends to be a developmental phase. That said in Primary after I had spoken to the teacher on three occasions about ds1 being hit by a particular child and nothing changing. I told him to hit back and hit hard next time. I did get called in to speak to the teacher as ds made him cry but I simply said "Good, maybe he will think twice next time" Pretty sure didn't approve of my stance but I had given her opportunities to address it.

I was bullied at school. For a year I took it and would walk away and tell the teachers, who did fuck all. Then I fought back and the bullies finally left me alone.

Now I tell my primary school age kids that they're only ever allowed hit if it's in self-defence.

I personally think the 'turn the other cheek', let someone punch you and just suck it up teaches kids they have to be 'perfect victims', which is dangerous - particularly for girls. And it teaches the bullies that they can do it and get away with it.

My son got hit by a school bully recently. He retaliated by punching him in the face. I was glad he stuck up for himself and fought back. The bully hasn't been anywhere near him since.

People love to think that it's somehow morally superior to not retaliate. Maybe there's an argument to be made that as adults, there's a need to conduct ourselves with more dignity. But the reality of the school playground is that if bullies perceive you as weak, they'll go for you.

I would never teach anything other than hit back. I think teaching your children to allow people to hit them is awful. Especially in school as the teachers very rarely actually give any sort of consequences to the offender and they go without punishment.

Mine have been taught that lifting their hands is out of order unless someone hits them first, then you can put them on their arse.

I was bullied at school and now I work in one, nothing has changed. Tell a teacher? What shite. Nothing is done…the bully parents rarely give a fuck what their kid is up to and there’s no real protection to be had.

Might as well stop it as soon as it starts with a hefty response. Bully kids rarely come back to a genuine threat. They prefer the ones that tell a teacher.

No not at nursery age. I would teach my child to just be kind from a young age. Tell a grown up if someone is mean etc.

By the time primary school roles round kids are smart they avoid the violent ones. Well mine have anyway and those kids are excluded usually from games etc because kids don’t want to be around them.

My oldest is at secondary now and I still do not advise hitting back. He himself though told me last week it is necessary to hit back sometimes in self defence so that’s his own judgement that he’s made himself.

i wouldn’t worry about it. Kind kids gravitate towards other kind kids and it’s happened with all 3 of mine.

I tell my son who is 6 if someone is hurting him, ASK them to stop, then tell them to stop then MAKE them stop.

Most of the time it works out best at school to not respond and tell the teacher. That way as a school you can focus 100% of the sanction on the right person.
However, one time I remember a quiet boy absolutely plastering this real thug of a kid and I had a genuine surge of joy. Probably shouldn’t admit to that.

Not at nursery. At that age, it is very important to explain to them that hitting is wrong and if anyone hits them to shout: don't hit me, it hurts, then tell a grown up.

As they get older, I'd warn them that it is inevitably the retaliator who gets caught and blamed in a fight, so better not to retaliate. However if someone has decided to pick on them systematically, ime, a single punch proves the bully should leave them alone. Not ideal. But effective. Rather this than years of fear and bullying and attacks and ineffectual teacher/parent meetings.

I agree with the previous posters that it's an age thing. Little ones need to be taught not to hit.
Nurseries are usually good at dealing with hiting and it's often a phase from toddlers born out of frustration. Older DC need to know that they can defend themselves and can do what they need to to stop others hurting them.

I would add that they were 14.

@Penguinsmum

i wouldn’t have told my 6 year old son that advice as I believe once you’ve been taught that there’s no going back and it’s a different day and age now. My area has a problem with knife crime and with my son now being at secondary I do believe the best approach is a less reactive one.

i speak from experience as a scrappy working class kid who would never dream of not hitting anyone back. Worst that happened was a punch though back then.

Many of my friends too from my old council estate don’t give that advice anymore. It’s more of a walk away approach now. Seems to be people who advocate for the hitting back approach are on the more naive side of life!!

Ask them to stop? What if they’re punching him in the face? Your boy would be a bigger target the bullies would find it hilarious.

Don't hit back. Think of it in adult terms, it's not a good way to take things.

You get punished in DS's school exactly the same as the first hitter if you hit back.

My son is 11,year 6,and as far as I know, despite being small, is not suffering physical bullying. I don't think there is an issue in his class at all. He is encouraged to be verbally menancing/in the face of a threatening bully (if he can reach😂) and to tell teachers and ourselves, if he is threatened. He also knows that if he hits them back, he is likely to get into trouble at school, but mam and dad would 100% have his back. No incidents of him being violent to anyone as yet. We have been very lucky with his school - those boys who were violent in earlier years, have grown out of it.

Depends on the age of the children and the situation.

I would think at nursery/ toddler age it's not ok to hit back. Children need to learn impulse control and know hitting is wrong.

An 7 or 8 year old at Primary School hitting (which can be bullying) is a different matter.

At nursery absolutely not. At school, if it's been reported at least thrice and the situation continues, give them a good whack back, it works wonders. Thankfully I've never had to do this but I know people who have and wished they had done it sooner.

I agree that it's age dependent. In nursery, and infant school, it's kind hands and tell a grown up if someone's unkind.

As they get older, each situation will be different so they will need to make a judgement call based on experience. In school, I'd give the teachers a chance to resolve it, but also encourage them to find the way they are happiest with, including hitting back if they judge that to be the most effective way to end it.

Out and about, facing aggression from a stranger, I'd advise them to run away.

But the bully has learned their lesson and in my experience leave their victim in peace, mission accomplished.