Telling kids to hit back

[TreeRoad]

My LO is starting nursery soon. They’re very young so will be in the baby room so this is more of a curiosity/hypothetical question.

I was having a glance through the various nursery policies and wondering what everyone’s stance on other kids hitting your child, and whether you tell them to hit back or take another approach?

Do you think it’s always wrong to use violence, even if the other person hits first? Or is it important that your child stands up for themselves and isn’t a target for bullies in the future?

My LO is my first and I haven’t really considered what I would tell them if the situation ever arose. Equally, I’d like to be prepared if it did.

@Clymene

It is the stuff of movies. A lot of bullies are “hard” because they are angry kids who quite often have shit lives with nothing much to lose.

vs a typical mumsnetters kid fighting back? Nar they don’t stand a chance. Much better to teach your child the art of keeping themselves to themselves. Minding their business….. not snitching etc! There are many unwritten social rules than can stop your child from being a target.

Definitely not for nursery! And not as blanket advice for life generally. Maybe there will be a special occasion in life where hitting back really is the best option, but certainly I would never tell DD to do so as the first avenue.

Nursery, DD knows that if someone hits or hurts her, she is to tell her key worker or one of the other grown-ups. It happens occasionally but it's dealt with.

The rough kids at my sons school all seem to be learning some form of martial art as an extra curricular. Hitting back won't help, it will just escalate things.

@YoComoManzanas

the rough kids at my sons schools don’t do that but a few have been excluded for carrying knifes. Not sure what martial arts or boxing could ever achieve when the bar is set in this way. 🔪

the whole thing is incredibly sad.

My DC is in nursery and I wouldn't say or tell him to hit back at this stage.
They all have a little push or shove at their age. It's not done with intention.

School life and bullies are completely different and I will be saying if your hit first hit back to defend.

Are you seriously asking if telling your child to hit back is ok ?!
Of course they shouldn't hit back. What a lazy approach. And of course, we don't want our children to be bullied or victimised and that's a normal worry but it's not ok to teach them to hit back from a young age.

Chances are, with your child being little, they probably will naturally hit back. Or not depending on their temperament. At nursery you won't be there to see it.

I find when they are young it's hard to show them what to do but as they get older around 3/4 years old you can teach them to block the other child's hand/hold firmly the other child at a distance with their hands/arms/shout loudly "don't hit me". Show them how to stand firmly and strongly and speak loudly/ask for help...

If your child is repeatedly being hit by another kid then that's a different matter, and the nursery should be doing something about it. Your child may naturally hit back eventually but it should never be taught as the go to approach by the parents. Your child might be the one hitting others... and you on the receiving end of embarrassing complaints where your child has hit another kid. How would you feel then ? Proud ?

At this age it’s tell an adult. Don’t hit back.

however when they get older, I’d say eleven or so then you teach them if someone hits you hit back and harder, otherwise they are going to be bullied. Bullies won’t bully anyone who will fight back.

Yep where I live, hitting back is an excuse for the bully's mates to start laying into you.

I agree with you 100% @JollyWilloughby that the best thing to do is to avoid being a target.

I wouldn't say this to a child at nursery as it's just them learning how to socialise. But if my daughter was bullied when she was in school I would tell her to never hit first but she has a right to defend herself if someone is purposefully hurting her which she'll hopefully know how to do quite effectively given that her dad used to be pro MMA.

NRTFT

I’ve always taught mine if someone hits them to tell the other child to stop, tell the teachers etc… BUT they have a 3 strike rule, if the same child dosnt stop after being asked and the teachers told 3 times my child has my full blessing to hit back. If the school or childcare setting can’t keep my child safe from being hit then I’m not going to allow my child to be a punch bag of victim, they need to know to stand up for themselves.

as my DCs are getting older, oldest starting high school school next year, I’ve told them that they never start a fight but if they can’t walk away from it for what ever reason they defend themselves.

Nursery age absolutely not. My experience of children that age is that they're either hitters/biters or they're not (and for those who are, it's usually a phase). Very foolish to encourage a small child otherwise not prone to violence to hit back on the basis of justifiable self-defence when they're too little to understand the concept. They might start hitting for things like someone else having the toy they want. A clear no hitting rule is best. And they shouldn't need to protect themselves by hitting back in a properly run nursery with competent staff who will resolve situations like this appropriately and keep an eye on frequent offenders.

For older children, it's more complex because the violence is often malicious and targeted - I do think they should be able to use justifiable force in self-defence.

Children should always be taught that it is perfectly acceptable to defend themselves.

Let’s face it if as an adult someone was violent towards you and you had the ability wouldn’t you defend yourself by slapping them back or whatever? I bloody well would, and have. All this be kind stuff is all very well, but all that teaches bullies is that bullying is ok because the more you bully, the less likely someone is to do anything because everyone will be scared of you.

Most bullies are cowards. Just look at violent men. They pick on their wives, their kids, most bully children pick on the smaller kids, the ones with disabilities, the ones who are different from them, and they do it because they believe that person won’t retaliate.

Hitting back doesn’t mean you have to start brawling. But a slap never went amiss in the right circumstances.

But I wouldn’t teach that lesson at nursery age, but neither would I punish a child if they had been hit and retaliated.

You have to know the system you're in and work it.
Our system is set up so that the kid who hits back is punished/has opportunities taken away from him. Same in adulthood.

So what happens if you teach to hit back, and the bully then hits again - how many times does this go on?

Depends on the age. I was always told if someone hit me, to make sure I hit them back twice as hard. No negotiation.

In nursery, I'd tell them to tell a grown up.

Younger primary, I would, and did, tell my DS that on the first occasion he should tell an adult. If he got hit/pushed again a second time by the same person, he was to hit/push back, and hard. From about P4 onwards, hit straight back.

Why more violence as they get older?

Because as others said, telling an adult as they get older only makes them more of a target. Both for the physical attacker, and for others.

Not in nursery as this is part of development. However my DD was being repeatedly hit by a boy in her class age 9. I spoke with the teacher on numerous occasions.

So I told her to hit him back, she said she didn't want too as that made her naughty just like him. ( was very proud of her response to me and slightly ashamed I had told her to hit him)

I understand why parent tell DC to hit back if they have attempted to resolve the situation and nothing has improved.

I would never tell my children to hit back. The only times they have ever been hit have been when at nursery or when older by a child with additional needs, in both those situations it would be completely inappropriate to hit back. If they were in a class with bullies and being hit then I would remove them from the school, not leave them to fend for themselves. I actually think it can be pretty dangerous advice to tell your child to hit back, It could massively escalate the situation. Are they prepared for a knife to be pulled on them? Are you prepared to have the bullies rough family coming round to your house threatening you?

As pp said, you get punished in DS's school exactly the same as the first hitter if you hit back.

I am trying to teach DS(6) that violence is always wrong. Unfortunately DS is nonetheless one of the kids that like to hit people. I do care very much and we have severe and consistent consequences at home, but I sometimes do wish someone would just hit him back hard enough to make him think a bit!

But it’s illogical to expect them to have more control when they’re younger and more reactive.

In nursery saying "no" or "stop" loudly is the way forward.

After Reception, the amount of playground supervision decreases dramatically and telling a playground supervisor often ends up with the child being told not to tell tales so hitting back is necessary imo.

This makes me so sad, I worry so much about my teenage son

The problem is that parents who tell their children to hit back will be contradicted and undermined while the child is at school, and if a child follows their parents advice they could just as likely end up with the same punishment as the one that threw the first punch. Regardless of whether that’s right or wrong, teachers and school staff are never going to have the rule that it’s ok to hit back and it’s always going to be best for children if their parents and their school are on the same page.

From nursery, reception, and all the way through primary schools I’ve worked at, children are taught to use their words, shout loudly, and tell an adult if they are hit.

@HeArInGhandsgirl11

Me too. 😢