Telling kids to hit back

[TreeRoad]

My LO is starting nursery soon. They’re very young so will be in the baby room so this is more of a curiosity/hypothetical question.

I was having a glance through the various nursery policies and wondering what everyone’s stance on other kids hitting your child, and whether you tell them to hit back or take another approach?

Do you think it’s always wrong to use violence, even if the other person hits first? Or is it important that your child stands up for themselves and isn’t a target for bullies in the future?

My LO is my first and I haven’t really considered what I would tell them if the situation ever arose. Equally, I’d like to be prepared if it did.

that was at @Lastsecondfail

Not in nursery, but in school I always told them to hit back twice as hard. Luckily they never needed to.

From my now adult DCs’ accounts of their school days, snitching to a teacher would result in you getting bullied far more. And any response short of hitting the bully back would be seen as weakness.
DD1 suffered bullying at high school until she punched the male offender in the face. It stopped forthwith. She has since completed a krav maga course and now volunteers as security at feminist meetings!

Thing is once it’s been taught it’s really hard to reverse!

I can reflect on many of the fights I had at school (primary and secondary) and they were all without fail with kids from similar backgrounds to myself who had no doubt been told the same advice. It wasn’t bullying either, they were one offs but we were all just too reactive!

i was told to hit back twice as hard and always in the head. As an adult if someone hit me I really do think I would hit them back. I don’t even think I would have time to think …..

The above is not the way forward and i know that. I would never want to conduct myself in that way.

thankfully all 3 of my kids have never been given the advice that I was given and not one of them has been involved in a physical altercation. They are kind and popular kids, they rub along with allsorts from many different types of backgrounds and are just generally quite well rounded.

From what I can gather now hearing about fights from their schools…. angry kids fight angry kids.

bullying is something else entirely and really quite difficult to deal with and I don’t pretend to have all the answers.

In our school, the punishment for hitting someone was to stand on the balcony and miss break. I told ds if anyone keeps hitting him after reporting it, he should hit them back and then stand on the balcony too. <shrug>

My DS started school this year, and I told him absolutely no hitting back, to shout no thank you and to go and tell an adult. But from what I've heard from other parents, I absolutely seem to be in the minority there, so I have no idea if that's the best approach! Nursery age, there's not a chance I'd be telling my children to hit anyone back. School is very different to nursery, in my very short experience. Seems to be very boistrous and less adult supervision, so I do worry a bit now! I wouldn't be concerned about that even being an issue at nursery however, personally.

I got called into after school to get told about DD's 'behaviour' once. She was being repeatedly, bullied physically by a group of boys. One day she was standing somewhere, one of them wanted to stand there, he kicked her a few times. So she pushed him (hard) and put him on this arse on the floor.

The staff clearly wanted the 'walk away' talk. I asked them what they would have done if she'd walked away and found them. Would she have been out back in the spot she wanted? Nope, they would have 'had a talk'. I told them verbally, then in writing, that I would not be telling my daughter that being physically hurt by a group of boys was anything other than abuse. And that if they couldn't control it and protect her, I would be telling her she could protect herself. And I said it loudly.

Oddly, she wasn't bullied again.

I've taught her some breakaway techniques as well. And she knows if she ever starts the fight, she's in a great deal of trouble. I grew up in South London and backing down and asking nicely doesn't always work. It does most of the time and I encourage it. But once someone is physical, particularly a group of boys against one girl, all bets are off.

My ds was bullied awfully and never ever retaliated.

After a serious incident I simply said violence is never ok, it's never ok to initiate but everyone has the right to defend themselves physically if needed.

I think this needs to be a message taught from a young age but I'm not sure how you can.

He'd taken it onboard that it's never ok to hit, you don't hit back etc and hadn't ever realised self defence was an exception.

I’m in the allowing kids to protect themselves camp.

They know not to start anything but if somebody hits them, they are to hit back twice as hard and then run to find some help.

I was always in the walk away camp but as they get older the kids around them care less and less about being told off so there was no way I’d let them take a pasting and hope they school would deal with it - my experiences are that schools are notoriously crap at dealing with any kind of bullying.

My 3yo DS had told me a boy kept hitting him at nursery. I told him to tput his hand up and say "stop!" loudly and then tell a grown up. I also told the staff my child had been hit.

I think it did my DS well to stand up for himself without being violent. He also learned it was good to tell us about these things as he is no longer being hit by the boy anymore.

No hitting. Run away. If you do this as an adult you have no idea if the other person has a knife or gun.

I agree with all of this.

A victim doesn't have a level playing field if he/she is much smaller than the aggressor. My son is tiny, he would get battered.

When he is a teen, or perhaps even before (sigh), enemies might resort to knives. I'd rather him avoid that situation at all costs.

It doesn't always work out with the bully being taught a lesson.

Teaching your child not to hit back makes them a ideal target for bullies.

Give a bully a smack back and 9 times out of 10 they won't be back.

Telling a teacher is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Kids need to know how to stick up for themselves.

@HumunaHey

Same. My son is very small for his age and we live in a hot spot area for knife crime. Not the best advice telling him to retaliate.

He does however say hello to the local psychopath each morning on the way to school just to be you know …. Polite 🤦‍♀️.

Thankfully he isn’t a target but I’m pretty sure if he went round thinking he was hard he might well be…..

I always told my kids get away if you can. Run away if you can. Call out for help. Tell an adult. Do everything you can to get out of the situation.
But.
If you are unable to get away and you can't get help then punch them and make it a good one.

I didn't think that was wrong then and I don't now.

I'm of the 'defence not offence' camp.
They were taught hitting and bullying is wrong, and to tell a grown up.
At the same time, we taught them that when that doesn't work, and your safety is at risk, you do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
We also had them in combat martial arts, so they could do so as safely as possible.

@Indoctro

Never taught mine to hit back. Never been targets.

ive worked in secondary schools and usually the kids who are targeted are the ones who

: openly display weak and submissive behaviours usually due to a lack of self esteem/confidence which bullies can smell a mile off

: kids who are disadvantaged to the point where other kids know for example scruffy hair, trousers that are too short, cheap clothes etc!

: kids who have various talents / really good looks that bullies might be jealous of

as far as I am aware my kids haven’t fitted in to any of those brackets. Now of course that’s an overly simplistic version of bullying events from when I used to do pastoral work in inner city states. Point being there’s more to getting bullied than the advice your parents gave you in regards to hitting back or not.

I always teach kindness and no hitting for nursery kids as they aren't capable of understanding the complexity of hitting back.

My 9 year old had issues this year with a boy at school, he kept doing the 'right thing' and telling the teacher, I went into school and was told he has issues and they basically shrugged. That day I taught my son how to punch. He knocked him on his arse a few days later when the lad started on him and weve never had issues since. School got short shrift from me when they told me what he did.

However my youngest at nursery got pushed off her chair so she dragged the boy who did it off his and gave him a pelting. I had little to say to the nursery teachers that day too 😆

This thread fascinates me. My DC are now 19 and 20. years ago a similar thread was on MN and i posted that DS1 had defended himself with a punch after 3 years of bullying and I told him he'd done the right thing. Loads of people piled on to say what an awful mother I was to condone his violence. But he didn't get bullied again. 3 years of turning the other cheek. I'm interested that more people these days recognise the value of allowing children to stand up for themselves if they are bullied.

This is similar to my stance. If someone is hitting/pushing/hurting you:

Tell them to stop.
If they don't stop, tell an adult and get them to help.
If there is no adult around or they won't/can't help, do whatever you need to do to get the person to stop, and if this includes punching them in the face, fine, and I will deal with any repercussions from the school.

Also - particularly with boys - you do not have to take their shit and they are not entitled to do anything EVER that makes you uncomfortable.

My daughter is quite mild mannered and hates any sort of altercation but she did have a situation recently where a boy was playing rough and wouldn't stop and she slapped him. I think he got the shock of his life. He told his mum who told my daughter she did exactly the right thing and gave her son a good bollocking.

I think nursery is very different to school.

My DH grew up in a really tough part of London, if he hadn't hit back when he was bullied or hit his life would have been miserable. He has never ever initiated a fight but he is tough and I know he would never shy away from bullies. I would teach my children the same. Use words but last resort one punch can mean you never get bothered again.

It depends on the day on MN. Millions of users!

No I don't tell my children to hit back. Violence in this family stopped in the last generation. Violence breeds violence.

The idea that a weedy kid swings one punch at the bully who instantly backs off is something that happens in movies, not real life. In real life, that just means you're in a fight and you've just escalated the violence.