Telling kids to hit back

[TreeRoad]

My LO is starting nursery soon. They’re very young so will be in the baby room so this is more of a curiosity/hypothetical question.

I was having a glance through the various nursery policies and wondering what everyone’s stance on other kids hitting your child, and whether you tell them to hit back or take another approach?

Do you think it’s always wrong to use violence, even if the other person hits first? Or is it important that your child stands up for themselves and isn’t a target for bullies in the future?

My LO is my first and I haven’t really considered what I would tell them if the situation ever arose. Equally, I’d like to be prepared if it did.

The school bullies picked on me for a while until I lost my temper and punched one of them in the face and made her nose bleed, I got suspended for a week but they left me alone after that. My younger sister had no problems at all, surprise, surprise.

I have worked in rough inner city schools. There are two types of violence you see 1, the rough aggressive kids fighting with each other & 2, bullies picking on weaker children. I think you are deluded if you think your child being bullied is going to turn around and punch their bully and that will be the end of it. Much more likely they will get beaten to a pulp or have a knife pulled on them. All of the posters that claim this has happened more likely actually just have aggressive children who are scraping with the other aggressive children.

Totally agree.

My son fell into the bracket of vulnerable. He's autistic and couldn't even stand up for himself verbally as his communication is bad.

However one day he retaliated and shoved a bully really hard. The bully fell and broke 2 fingers.

The school were brilliant and said they saw the boy jump ds from behind and he just shoved him and told him to fuck off.

After that everyone wanted to be ds friend as they saw him as the big strong one. He told them all they had stood by and watched him get bullied and no - he wasn't befriending them in case they were next.

I've never been as proud of him as I was that day.

@3WildOnes as someone who grew up in a then rough part of London the blanket advice of hit back harder is BS. Ideally keep your head down but it's imperative to read your opponent to know whether you fight or talk your way out or run!

@itsgettingweird

bless him. It’s so hard when a child is vulnerable like that. Pleased the outcome was good for him in the end.

I agree with you 100% @JollyWilloughby that the best thing to do is to avoid being a target.

Nice bit of victim blaming going on here. Of course just avoid being a target... ffs.

@giggbig

Totally agree. It’s about teaching your child that level of awareness. Some kid in my sons year was constantly shoving my son down to the ground repeatedly so one day he did it back as it was annoying him. He told me it was no bother and the kid is “okay deep down just really annoying and did need to be warned”. By all accounts now they’re actually friends.

i am 99 percent certain my son wouldn’t “warn” the local psychopath who walks alongside him now and again to school (much to my annoyance but better to keep some kids superficially on side).

its just not a blanket rule is it. Know your audience sort of thing.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

i can appreciate it comes across that way. It is never the victims fault. Bullies are truly horrendous and any stories of bullying upsets me.

it is a minefield. I am just a normal mother trying to keep my son safe whilst walking to and from school on his own in a hot spot area for knife crime.

i will not apologise for that. If there are things I can do to help him not be a target then I will continue to do so.

And I think in the context of this thread “hitting back” could potentially make him an even bigger target. If I taught my son to display reactive behaviours I think this is inviting a higher probability of physical of violence. This is why I do not advocate hitting back, despite being that scrappy working class kid myself who would never have dreamed of not hitting back.

it is a different world now.

@JollyWilloughby agree

Not at nursery age or infants no. But from junior school then yes, DS was told to thump someone back if they hit him first. It's the only way as the majority of teachers are wet lettuces when it comes to bullying.

Nice bit of victim blaming going on here. Of course just avoid being a target... ffs.

There is a grey area here though. Did I go down certain streets or take shortcuts after dark as a teenager? no because that was dangerous for me. Even now I see teens with their headphones in & phones out etc I don't walk around with my phone out. It's not about not being a target & of course we shouldn't have to do it but it's being streetwise. Having an awareness of your surroundings, walking with purpose etc

Would anyone honestly support schools saying ‘just hit them back, that’s absolutely foolproof in stopping bullying’?

At that age, no.
They should be supervised closely enough that an adult can intervene.

No I don't think schools support 'hit them back' but in my experience the schools don't do much about it either. So the child needs to make sure bully knows they won't be picked on.

It's a sad state of affairs but it's how it is.

I think I would tell my child to hit back tbh. I don't want him to become a bullies dream. He must never hit first but can absolutely defend himself. Maybe not at nursery but defo at school.

Where do you stop with your victim blaming?

The girl who wore a short skirt?
The kid with hearing aids?
The lad that needs to wait at the unlit bus stop?

The fault is with the aggressor.

@giggbig

My niece was mugged last week by two lads on a moped with a knife. They stole her gold necklace.

She didn’t deserve this, she wasn’t at fault. No one in our family blamed her. However wearing that chunky gold necklace was not the wisest idea she’s ever had.

i mean wouldn’t it be lovely if we lived in a world where we didn’t need to worry about things like that? Unfortunately it’s just not real life is it 😢

Teaching awareness is so important.

But should they support it? Should we be telling the kids in our class to hit back?

I’ve told my little boy that if someone at school keeps hitting / pushing him then it’s ok to hit/ push them back if they don’t leave him alone after he’s told them too. I don’t want him to be bullied and schools don’t do anything about bullies these days.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

no one is disputing fault lies with the aggressor though are they? We all agree. No one is blaming individuals for being bullied?

That doesn’t mean we can all just walk round and forget about the bad guys unfortunately!….. damn I wish we could.

I think you have to teach it as wrong no matter what. The best response to any physical confrontation is to walk away - if you can.

If you are provoked and strike back, and the person you hit gets hurt or worse then you will be held responsible.

As kids get older, especially sadly boys, they need to learn how to avoid a confrontation (the old "don't go looking for trouble") and avoid fighting. Sadly, weapons are often brought to fist fights nowadays.

It's not being a target to walk away. It might save a life. Obviously this applies to older kids/teens and not to nursery age. But I wouldn't want to install "hit back harder" in my boys young.

Would you support schools telling kids to hit back?

The fault is with the aggressor.

Who claimed it wasn't? But in the real world you have to be aware of risk & like I said if you grow up in a rough part of the world it's ingrained. Where did you grow up?