What are the hardest years?

[isntlifeacrazyride]

As a parent of a 14 mo, I wonder what would you say are the hardest year(s) of raising a kiddo?

Being called naive (whatever others say - teaching DOES make me qualified. Parents consistently seek my advice, I see where parents do well, where they make mistakes, I reflect, I learn, I spend every day having individual meetings with students and guiding them, I'm often shocked by the parents misinterpretation of the child's feelings when shit hits the fan) is exceptionally insulting

As I said upthread I'm a primary teacher and have secondary age DC. I have parented my own DC through the ages I teach and it's two totally different things. There just isn't the same emotional link. Also, kids behave differently for their teachers than they do for their parents. Before my kids were primary age parents used to ask advice about stuff at home and I used to give what I thought was obvious advice. Once my kids were that age, it was a different ball game when they were my own. I obviously have insights into kids behaviour and I know a lot about what they've been doing at school but there is a difference between dealing with kids professionally and personally.

@Skelligsfeathers

Oh give it a rest!!!!

Sorry, you are right.

@raspberryjamchicken

Being called naive (whatever others say - teaching DOES make me qualified. Parents consistently seek my advice, I see where parents do well, where they make mistakes, I reflect, I learn, I spend every day having individual meetings with students and guiding them, I'm often shocked by the parents misinterpretation of the child's feelings when shit hits the fan) is exceptionally insulting

As I said upthread I'm a primary teacher and have secondary age DC. I have parented my own DC through the ages I teach and it's two totally different things. There just isn't the same emotional link. Also, kids behave differently for their teachers than they do for their parents. Before my kids were primary age parents used to ask advice about stuff at home and I used to give what I thought was obvious advice. Once my kids were that age, it was a different ball game when they were my own. I obviously have insights into kids behaviour and I know a lot about what they've been doing at school but there is a difference between dealing with kids professionally and personally.

Sigh. I'd have to come back in 16 years to say "See - I knew I was right" wouldn't I? But I won't, noone would see it, I'll forget, it's a long time to wait for the payoff so agree to disagree I suppose. I think I've indicated enough alternative perspective and solidarity for other people who need to hear that toddler is hardest for them. I'll leave it there.

I found 0 to about 18 months very hard, but the teenage years are challenging. There can be outside factors like bullying but they're also often stroppy rude and generally difficult and expect you to be a personal 24hr taxi service quite often.

0-4 in my opinion. The older they get the easier it is for me. Dd is 25.

Teens definitely- all 3 of my dc were nightmare teens.

And I'm a secondary teacher with 20 years experience (pastoral lead too!) and I thought I was so well prepared...

@PurpleHollyhocks

Oh dear *@CaptainMyCaptain* I can imagine that this would be very difficult and just when you think they are independent and maybe in a position to assist you rather than the other way around

Obviously this doesn't happen to everybody but my real point is that you don't ever stop being a parent and they don't stop needing you or causing upset when they reach 18.

@CaptainMyCaptain This is very true

Newborn was the hardest for me

Yrs 1-3 when there's no escape. I used to hide really well when playing hide and seek. DS wasn't difficult, I just really needed the space. Teen years were easy once he had a good desktop computer. Off to uni soon & will miss him terribly but can see he's so ready to go.

@NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy

Teens definitely- all 3 of my dc were nightmare teens.

And I'm a secondary teacher with 20 years experience (pastoral lead too!) and I thought I was so well prepared...

Ditto. Teaching secondary gave me an insight into talking to teenagers but that's where the preparation ended. It's the emotional turmoil they're in and there's nothing you can do to make it better.

As for control, I dont think anyone who has mentioned it has wanted to control the behaviour of their teenager but I don't think parents of smaller children realise how nice it is to know where their dc are at all times, who they've been in contact with, what they've had to drink etc... My younger dc walked to the local shop today whilst I am left worrying she might bump into her bully. I can't stop her leaving but wish I could stop her meeting that girl who is making her life a misery.

I went shopping with my 13 year old today and a twenty something man swaggered over to chat her up 🙄. With me right there ffs.

Young adults. Still need you but don't think they do. Swing between fierce independence and criticising your parenting skills and wanting your help. Get serious with partners you are worried aren't suited and will hurt them. A weird time

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Teens, when they're bullied.

You may as well have ripped out my heart and broken it in front of me.

😭 So hope things have improved now.
My younger sister was bullied and it was horribly visceral just to witness as her sister, I can't imagine being the parent and powerless.

My eldest is 14 and this is the worst bit so far. He was a sunshine child until end of Yr8 when he had a Kevin & Perry style teenage transformation basically overnight. I miss my sweet baby. 😢

Also found 3-6 months hard with both of mine.

Loved the pre-school years the best, hard work but so rewarding and SO CUTE!

A lot of the problems with teens aren't the teens themselves, but from outside agencies.

Like @TheLightSideOfTheMoon I felt my heart was being ripped out when DD was having a terrible time in year 10. I had to hide all the sharp things and paracetamol in the house from DD because she was so depressed and anxious as a result of the bullying. She had removed the blade of a pencil shaprener and was self harming as well. It was an awful, awful time.

Then there is the pressure of GCSEs, A levels and UCAS. I honestly don't know how parents of multiple children cope.

Our sons are 25 and 21.

With the 21 year old the hardest years were 14-16 but he’s grown into the most wonderful, funny, caring and thoughtful man who is so easy to get on wigh. He and I have football season tickets and I love spending that time with him when we go to matches.

The hardest years are from 21 to now with his older brother. He moved back home after university at 21 and has never really settled back into home life and it’s really really awkward a lot of the time, by his doing. It almost feels as though he thinks it’s our fault that he’s still at home and resents us for it so will make our lives difficult in revenge.
He’s a teacher and is clearly more than ready to move out but his long term girlfriend is dragging her heels and while they’ve got a deposit for a house he can’t buy without her and she’s too busy apparently to view houses (she’s not, and she’s being very picky about where they live, which unfortunately is a town where very few houses become available and those that do are out of their price range or need a total renovation).

@Angrymum22

Just to reassure those who think that sleepless nights are a thing if the past when they reach the teen years we’ll it gets 100x worse. They start to socialise, drink, go to parties and expect a lift home at 2am. Or are sleeping at a friends house. My DS is happy for me to track him via find my phone. I find that I can’t settle until I know he’s home or at said friends house. And as for “festivals” that a whole different stress level. 10000 teenagers all trying to use their phones in a small area means that getting in touch with them is almost impossible. You have to let them go but my god is it stressful. Totally different level of stress to the first time you leave them at a birthday party or they go on an overnight school trip. I found the first 12 years a breeze, the last 2 have been a very bumpy ride even though DS is a pretty laid back and well behaved teen. As a child a cuddle fixed most things now I just “know nothing”.

This sounds stressful but not 100x worse than chronic sleep deprivation with poor sleepers in the early years.

I’m finding 2.5 and a 4 month old very hard as sometimes both of them need me at once, and I can’t physically split myself in two and it’s so stressful and I feel like I’m failing everyone. I am severely sleep deprived. I feel physically broken and ill.

The way that teenagers are (or can be, mixed responses) hard seems to be of such a different quality that trying to rank the experiences barely makes sense. I can imagine the extreme anxiety not knowing if they’re safe, how heartbreaking it is not to be able to fix their problems any more. Bullying etc etc. It sounds immensely distressing.

I do think that some people might have forgotten just how intense and difficult the early years are. But I get the points about the new difficulties with teens.

The teen years for me, in particular 14 to 17. They think they know everything and you know nothing. As a parent you need very thick skin. By 18 or 19 they’re a little more mature, pleasant, and not embarrassed to be around you.

@BingBangB0ng

I’m finding 2.5 and a 4 month old very hard as sometimes both of them need me at once, and I can’t physically split myself in two and it’s so stressful and I feel like I’m failing everyone. I am severely sleep deprived. I feel physically broken and ill.

The way that teenagers are (or can be, mixed responses) hard seems to be of such a different quality that trying to rank the experiences barely makes sense. I can imagine the extreme anxiety not knowing if they’re safe, how heartbreaking it is not to be able to fix their problems any more. Bullying etc etc. It sounds immensely distressing.

I do think that some people might have forgotten just how intense and difficult the early years are. But I get the points about the new difficulties with teens.

^ this. But then we're told we cant comment because we haven't had them yet. I think we'll be proved very right if we can try to retain the horror. I wonder if any parents of teens have had a lie in or been away for the night without their kids recently? Near 3 years for me, bar one night. No lie ins apart from when I had noro (neither had my DH - neither of us wants to parent solo if it can be helped, least of all in the morning)

Definately the early teens was hardest stages for me. Lone widowed parent , no support. Two strong willed, strapping assertive sons. l did feel very out of my depth at times and worried sick as to how bad things were going to get. Thankfully now through that stage and life is so much easier, its a huge relief.

I think it's so dependant on the child!

DS1 is 18. He was a lovely baby, pretty good toddler/pre schooler. Horrendous 6-11 year old - I actually really feared for his future (he was angry, resentful etc). Hit secondary school and he became the lovely boy again. Over his teens i had so many compliments about him, his manners etc. Now he's 18, still lovely, but OMG would I rather he was a toddler and not worry about him so much?!! I've enjoyed his teens, watching him grow etc, this part is HARD!

DS2 is 13 - gorgeous baby, demon toddler/pre schooler, delightful 5-12 year old (so easy to parent). Hit teens and has a bit of attitude, but nothing I can't handle...yet...

So the answer to the question, by far now 17+ - just because you have to let go and hope you've done a good job..

It depends on your definition of "hard". Baby/toddler years are undoubtedly physically harder and more draining because of having to meet all your child's physical needs and constantly supervise them. Although I am actually am more tired now with older DC than I have been since the newborn days as I am juggling working full-time with all the ferrying my DC around, supporting school work and later bedtimes which mean I have to do my own work later in the evening. Combined with my increasing age of course. But the children can obviously be left much more unsupervised which helps.

Pre-teen/teen (I am only at the early teen years so can't comment about older) are more mentally hard because there is so much more to worry about and so many more doubts about your own parenting. I like awake at night worrying about things that are making my DC unhappy.

There are challenges at all ages but I think what makes it more challenging as they get older is that awful feeling you get when your child is having a difficult time or they are making choices you feel risk their happiness and success but you don't know what to do about it. It's different from the challenges of sleep deprivation or the frustration of completely unreasonable toddler behaviour. All of these are hard but in different ways.

And my youngest didn't sleep through the night until 6, so I know all about sleep deprivation!