What are the hardest years?

[isntlifeacrazyride]

As a parent of a 14 mo, I wonder what would you say are the hardest year(s) of raising a kiddo?

My DD was a dream. Sailed through teen years with no drama, lovely group of supportive friends.

DS (now 15) has had me to the brink a few times. He's more settled now than at 14 but still makes poor choices and is impulsive.

DS2 will be a handful at some point, I've no doubt.

@3teens2cats

Teens. You can't fix their problems like you can with a little kid and it's heartbreaking.

This

Baby and toddler. Horrific.
School age, great, loads of fun.
Teens, fab, but can be emotionally painful at times.
Young adults, as teens but much more fun and less intense, financially mega ££££££££
I pray to God that he doesn't make me endure the hell of young kids again, lol

0-4 for me as it was so physically exhausting. Then it just got better and better. 5-11 was lovely, but I've enjoyed the teen years the most. I've really enjoyed their developing independence and personalities, and it's been much, much less hard work for me. We're not out of the woods yet though as we still have a 16 year old to get through GCSE, A-levels and university.

@MsTSwift yes that is definitely what I meant about being in control. We have had a horrendous time with ds2 and there is nothing I can do to 'fix it'. My 3ds were not exactly easy babies and toddlers - terrible sleepers, 2 with SEN, and 3 under 4yrs at one point but nothing prepared me for the emotional strain of the teenage years.

My DS is 2 and we’ve just had a horrifically bad day at the beach in front of Kayleigh from Car Share!! 🙈 when does it get easier????

Baby until 4. The sleep deprivation and terrible 2's are very trying. 4 upwards is a joy. My teens were ok, I was strict and consistent and they didn't dare swear or slam doors like I hear of on here. Moodiness was as bad as it got.

Currently have a dd who is 12 and started high school this year. This is by far the hardest year, she doesn't enjoy school anymore, having petty arguement with friends, mood swings. The 'easiest' years were primary school.

[quote lorisparkle]@MsTSwift yes that is definitely what I meant about being in control. We have had a horrendous time with ds2 and there is nothing I can do to 'fix it'. My 3ds were not exactly easy babies and toddlers - terrible sleepers, 2 with SEN, and 3 under 4yrs at one point but nothing prepared me for the emotional strain of the teenage years. [/quote]
But the whole point of parenthood is to raise happy, functional adults. I'm not even arguing or point scoring here. You absolutely can fix it by helping them navigate it or by providing a strong place of love to come back. Stepping back and just being there to gently nudge when they allow you to, but otherwise listen and love is surely what it's all about? I hope so anyway! Being a guide, not being in control or being able steer someone through every hurdle but helping them learn how to make the jump themselves?

I also have a theory that the toddler years require effectively a crash course in how to be a parent under the most extreme and sudden circumstances.

Completely agree with this BUT I think actually people's need for a crash course in anything can come at different times. Toddlers have been fine for me but I think it's primary age I needed that - I absolutely lost my way with DS1 when he was about 4 and definitely needed that crash course which I cobbled together really slowly by the time he was about 9 or 10! I struggle with that in between age because it's a lot of set the limit, give them a chance to fuck up, then respond to that... I find that hard. I don't like the testing boundaries thing. DS2 is 3.5 now and he's doing it and it makes me feel like an absolute dick to say "If you do that again I'm going to...." and then follow through on it because (obviously) he does it again because he wants to know that I will do it (or do something anyway). I feel like you can be really teaching and understanding and gentle while they're little and when they're big enough you can talk to them (if they'll talk to you) but in between you just have to be the mean one who says no, I am not going to discuss this endlessly, the answer is just no because it's my job to look after you and I don't think it's a good idea. And I don't like that. I would rather have a conversation.

So many posts mention control.... I don't feel I have that now and I can't imagine what's its like to want to control my teenager (I've not had them)
Frankly I loath having responsibility for a human as is! I take that responsibility of course, but its not natural to me. I think i would relinquish every inch of control that k safetly can over time? so the evidence now suggests I'll much prefer it but we'll have to wait and see? Its all just conjecture and words until I get there isnt it? Check in with you in 16 years!

Hahaha! Also absolutely feel this, BUUUUT with a massive massive pinch of humility because I'm so aware we haven't really hit the teen years yet, 13 is nothing and I'm completely aware he will probably just stop talking to me/seeing me as a relevant source of input at some point so my current best tool/thing will be completely useless, and then it's just kind of wait and see, isn't it. We are doing a lot of coaching and problem solving now because he has ADHD, so that causes issues with school and home and socially, and everything could indeed go spectacularly wrong. I'm trying to kind of pre-load him with as much info and tools and trust as I can, so that hopefully he can manage on his own and might look to us for help or god knows maybe pick someone else reasonable to look to for help, but in the end it's his life and very little is the end of the world at 16 or so. Drugs, serious accidents, crime and MH problems are things I would worry about and I have limited option to influence those things. Even he only has limited influence over these things even if I was great at controlling him (which I don't intend to be). Teen/young parenthood, debt or failing school are obviously not great starting points for life, but nothing insurmountable.

Oh well bold fail, sorry.

Yeah Dh and I do all that. But it’s fucking heart breaking at the time. You would really go to bed patting yourself on the back and feeling happy in yourself because “we have provided a strong place of love” for a still distraught teen - so that’s all alright then? Sorry you sound totally naive.

Teenagers.

They think they know everything, don't want to take advice, want independence yet make bad decisions.

Despite living in a village, we've been told they've been offered drugs at the park and we worry about County Lines etc!

You want to keep them safe at home but need to let them find their way!

What with the pandemic too, my anxiety has been through the roof!

For me it was definitely the pre-school years. SEN DS2 never slept so we were severely sleep deprived as well as worn down by the lack of medical support for his needs.

Teen years have had some very tough moments including DS2 being very lonely. But at least when they are teens you can openly support them, talk through the issues and also set reasonable boundaries so you get what you need (e.g. sleep!) When they were tiny and too young to express themselves, just screaming in distress 24/7 it was horrendous.

Depends on the child

For me baby years.
More so when you have one that doesn't sleep of course.

Sleep deprivations is officially classed as a torture for a reason.

I loved the teen years. Teens are fab.

Just to reassure those who think that sleepless nights are a thing if the past when they reach the teen years we’ll it gets 100x worse. They start to socialise, drink, go to parties and expect a lift home at 2am. Or are sleeping at a friends house. My DS is happy for me to track him via find my phone. I find that I can’t settle until I know he’s home or at said friends house.
And as for “festivals” that a whole different stress level. 10000 teenagers all trying to use their phones in a small area means that getting in touch with them is almost impossible.
You have to let them go but my god is it stressful. Totally different level of stress to the first time you leave them at a birthday party or they go on an overnight school trip.
I found the first 12 years a breeze, the last 2 have been a very bumpy ride even though DS is a pretty laid back and well behaved teen.
As a child a cuddle fixed most things now I just “know nothing”.

I am not talking about controlling my teenager I am talking about controlling what happens to him. With my toddlers and babies I would take them places, take them home, give them food, put them to bed. With my teenager I can't control him being offered drugs and alcohol, I can't control him being physically assaulted and threatened with being stabbed, I can't control the abuse he was sent on social media, I can't control him being so depressed and anxious he can't leave the house. I can love him, support him, be there for him. It is not my teenagers I want to control but I would love to be able to stop all the horrible things he has had to go through.

@lorisparkle

I am not talking about controlling my teenager I am talking about controlling what happens to him. With my toddlers and babies I would take them places, take them home, give them food, put them to bed. With my teenager I can't control him being offered drugs and alcohol, I can't control him being physically assaulted and threatened with being stabbed, I can't control the abuse he was sent on social media, I can't control him being so depressed and anxious he can't leave the house. I can love him, support him, be there for him. It is not my teenagers I want to control but I would love to be able to stop all the horrible things he has had to go through.

I will stop because whatever I say - "I haven't done it" will always be the comeback. Plenty of people have said teens are easy above. Nothing you say scares me. It's the reality of raising a child (the reality that I was actually AWARE of before having them! Had no idea what kids below 11 were like and it's been a fucking awful, soul tearing, miserable wakeup call. I am absolutely NOT early-years in my skillset or interests. Navigating abuse, bullying, drugs and alcohol - that's the day job. Yes, of course, it'll be different when it's my kid, but my experiences won't be for nothing and i remain convinced that I'll shine in that age group. People are different. People have different strengths. I think if you walked a day observing my toddler parenting you'd perhaps agree that this will be a much harder phase for me :)

Late teens, no contest!

@MsTSwift

Yeah Dh and I do all that. But it’s fucking heart breaking at the time. You would really go to bed patting yourself on the back and feeling happy in yourself because “we have provided a strong place of love” for a still distraught teen - so that’s all alright then? Sorry you sound totally naive.

What else could you have done? If you've given them all the support and love that you can, and it wasn't given in an incompetent way that made the whole attempt pointless, then yes - pat yourself on the back. These issues aren't abnormal - they're part of the progression to adulthood. I'm not saying you / I wouldn't go to bed hurting FOR them, but supporting them is the parents job while they go through it.

Thanks for calling me naive. That was constructive. I've refrained from calling your emotional attachment to your teen and desire to control their lives overbearing and needy, so you could extend me the same courtesy? Rude.

Teens are very hard work but I think toddlers are marginally worse because you cannot leave them alone or take your eyes off them. That's what I found hard. I felt unbearably trapped as a mum of toddlers...you can't go and do some chores in another room or sit in a separate room for a while. At least with teens you can get on with stuff round the house or sit and read a book or watch tv in relative peace without worrying they will be swallowing lego or trying to stick their fingers in plug sockets!

Teens without any doubt - 3 years of sertraline are testament to that

Personally I found toddlers harder than teens!

I'm actually finding the transition to adulthood really testing, mine are 18 and 21.

I think early primary school years were the hardest physically, but the emotional drain when they're teens and older is something else.

@Sillymummies123

I'm a teacher too (upper ks2) and I felt exactly as upu do about mine until they hit 4. Well, 5 if I'm completely honest! Really struggled.

It does get so much better when they get older, hang in there.

I can never understand anyone who enjoys the baby and toddler age! They are crazy little dictators who drive you round the bend, yet somehow by the end of it, you're totally in love with them.

But yes, it's so much better when they can do things for longer than five minutes, and be reasoned with.