What are the hardest years?

[isntlifeacrazyride]

As a parent of a 14 mo, I wonder what would you say are the hardest year(s) of raising a kiddo?

@Sillymummies123

What are you on about? You actually do sound naive. How does it help other other people that you think you will shine with your kids teenage years and belittle how they feel?

How does it help a parent who feel the lack of control is terrifying. The bullying, the drugs, the late night. The rational feeling of wanting to control but not be able to. Are you not allowed to have that feeling without you criticizing their fear for being too emotional attached.

If you read on, upon retaliation to the patronisation me for being 'naive because I've not done it yet', I posted a piece saying that it's all hard and different people find different things hard and that's okay 👌

Teenage hands down

[quote Soffana]@Sillymummies123

What are you on about? You actually do sound naive. How does it help other other people that you think you will shine with your kids teenage years and belittle how they feel?

How does it help a parent who feel the lack of control is terrifying. The bullying, the drugs, the late night. The rational feeling of wanting to control but not be able to. Are you not allowed to have that feeling without you criticizing their fear for being too emotional attached.[/quote]
Also, please give your head a wee wiggle. It's entirely possible that you didn't experience crippling unhappiness during the pre-school years (as many in this thread have / are) and therefore can't imagine what it's like to have someone tell you absolutely subjectively that "teens are much harder because x, y, z) - granted it started as weighing in, but for myself when I tried to question that and offer that perhaps I'd be okay because of my own preference, skill set, goals, was unanimously shot down by the offending parties. Not just for me - but for others in the same position that's SO demoralising. Hence I argued alternatives, as much for me as to have solidarity with others who came here (there will be many) looking down reassurance that it gets better

I'm finding 18+ really difficult because I have absolutely no control over anything, I am not needed for anything and I can see that I am absolutely bottom of the list of priorities. As I should be.
I have spent all these years doing everything and being part of everything and now it is all stopped.
I hate it.

@Sillymummies123 I've read the whole thread and I still can't believe how rude you were to a person in distress.

And, I find it naive to give poetic advice on "gently nudge", "being a guide", steering and learning how to jump.

It's like I would give advice to someone with and elderly parent with alzheimers, even if I never had one myself but I think I know best anyway. Because of I have a parent (not with alzheimers but how hard can it be, I better give some unsolicited advice).

@Skelligsfeathers

I'm finding 18+ really difficult because I have absolutely no control over anything, I am not needed for anything and I can see that I am absolutely bottom of the list of priorities. As I should be. I have spent all these years doing everything and being part of everything and now it is all stopped. I hate it.

Yes! And yet somehow you still feel responsible for it all too.

[quote Soffana]@Sillymummies123 I've read the whole thread and I still can't believe how rude you were to a person in distress.

And, I find it naive to give poetic advice on "gently nudge", "being a guide", steering and learning how to jump.

It's like I would give advice to someone with and elderly parent with alzheimers, even if I never had one myself but I think I know best anyway. Because of I have a parent (not with alzheimers but how hard can it be, I better give some unsolicited advice).[/quote]
You don't think I'm also the person in distress? How interesting

[quote Soffana]@Sillymummies123 I've read the whole thread and I still can't believe how rude you were to a person in distress.

And, I find it naive to give poetic advice on "gently nudge", "being a guide", steering and learning how to jump.

It's like I would give advice to someone with and elderly parent with alzheimers, even if I never had one myself but I think I know best anyway. Because of I have a parent (not with alzheimers but how hard can it be, I better give some unsolicited advice).[/quote]
What if you work every day with the relative and have specialised in the care of people with Alzheimers? Would you still think you had no useful advice to give? You'll say no, we'll both know that you, in that instance, were probably more qualified than the relative.

@Skelligsfeathers

I'm finding 18+ really difficult because I have absolutely no control over anything, I am not needed for anything and I can see that I am absolutely bottom of the list of priorities. As I should be. I have spent all these years doing everything and being part of everything and now it is all stopped. I hate it.

I don't identify with this at all. Maybe it is because we are older parents, but we are really keen for DD to be independent and not need us as we won't be around forever. Also she is an only child so needs to be resilient and be able to cope with what life has to throw at her on her own.

@Sillymummies123

You seem to be and I am sorry about that, but someone calling you naive does not justify you criticizing their parenting style with being too emotional attached or too controlling.

I don't see anyone criticizing your parenting just because you think it is hard. Even if I thought toddler years were a breeze (I didn't) I would not criticize someone I know nothing about.

@Sillymummies123

I would, if I was asked. And not start with the point of view that know how it is to have a parent with alzheimers and then criticizing the upset receiver of the advice.

@RampantIvy
I want mine to be independent too and resilient and all that. And they are! And that is brilliant.

But gordon Bennett i miss them an I miss parenting them an being right in the middle of everything.

[quote Soffana]@Sillymummies123

You seem to be and I am sorry about that, but someone calling you naive does not justify you criticizing their parenting style with being too emotional attached or too controlling.

I don't see anyone criticizing your parenting just because you think it is hard. Even if I thought toddler years were a breeze (I didn't) I would not criticize someone I know nothing about.[/quote]
Being called naive (whatever others say - teaching DOES make me qualified. Parents consistently seek my advice, I see where parents do well, where they make mistakes, I reflect, I learn, I spend every day having individual meetings with students and guiding them, I'm often shocked by the parents misinterpretation of the child's feelings when shit hits the fan) is exceptionally insulting. The knockon implication of that is that "it will no be easier for you when they're a teen, because it isn't for me". Ten attempts into explaining that everyone has different skillsets, I was getting nowhere and AS IVE SAID ABOVE - That is demoralising not just for me, who actually has the confidence that I'm a teen pro, but for others who are here asking this question because they want to hear (what might actually be their truth) that teen years will be better.

[quote Soffana]@Sillymummies123

I would, if I was asked. And not start with the point of view that know how it is to have a parent with alzheimers and then criticizing the upset receiver of the advice.[/quote]
I think I may have missed something to be perfectly honest. Apart from saying how difficult it is not having control over and over I haven't noted any advanced turmoil in those posters? Have they posted about a specific event?

Oh give it a rest!!!!

@Skelligsfeathers

Oh give it a rest!!!!

Any specific post?

Honestly? In their 40s when they get divorced.

Oh dear @CaptainMyCaptain I can imagine that this would be very difficult and just when you think they are independent and maybe in a position to assist you rather than the other way around

I would have said toddler for sure until DD entered the pre teens! I have sometimes felt like leaving & never coming back! Have to say though, she is very likely on the spectrum with ADHD as well ( we’re waiting for tests) plus she has attachment disorder. She’s 13 now.

Maybe the hardest stage is always the one you're in now?

A friend of mine now has her 4 grandchildren living with her after her DS and his wife decended into drug addiction in their 30s

I think toddler / preteen-teen are equally hard in different ways. I have both at the moment. The emotional tantrums are very similar! Parenting a toddler is physically demanding and can be a grind at times whereas the teen is more about the emotional needs; hormones, friendship problems etc. Because they don't need you to be there all the time you have more time to yourself. With my Dds I found they hit a sweet spot between 5-9 when it gets easier then it starts again around 10!

Teenagers, they're both the most rewarding and the hardest years. I only have one teenager left though. Mine aren't even particularly hard teenagers, no real behaviour problems, polite, responsible etc. but they have opinions and you have to listen to them and consider them, even when they're blazingly wrong, lol. They're so expensive too!

Different perspective but I was an amazing teenager - polite, respectful, did what I was told, wore the clothes I was told to, never wanted a lift late night (as I knew I wouldn't get one), didn't express opinions. Very meek and mild and 'responsible'.

Because I was scared of my Mum. Ended up having a breakdown in my 20s and now (40s) avoid spending time with her as much as possible. Even pre-Covid only saw her 3-4 times a year.

Teens, without a doubt.